Set after the S2 Finale and unlike the usual, it is not based on Buffy dying just the plot idea of Buffy dying and instead centres around Angel and Cordelia but with a surprising twist.
Summary: Guilt is a heavy burden to bear when the people you failed are around you everyday. Cordelia must choose between Fate and saving a soul.
Disclaimer: it's simple, it ain't mine, it's Joss' so don't sue and I'll still have enough money to go to Uni!
Feedback: Silly question...YES PLEASE! Send by form or directly to gingernutt@lycos.com!
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*Hidden Truths*
By
Zoe Morrison
The words seemed to echo around the mostly abandoned hotel. "Buffy Is Dead" Each echo hammering the words futher home. Willow rose, shattering the silent shock that had descended on the four people in the small office.
"I think that I better go now, I have to go and tell Buffy's dad and make plans for Dawn. Angel I am so sorry that you couldn't have found out sooner."
Willow looked down in sorrow at the devastated Vampire and shared his grief at the loss of their friend. Wesley joined her side, not knowing what to say to Angel or Cordelia, who was sobbing quietly in the corner.
"I'll see you out Willow." He said placing a light hand on the Wiccas shoulder.
The couple left, leaving Angel and Cordelia alone in the main office. Cordelia stood up from her corner and ran the back of her hand across her face, wiping away her tears. She reached out her hand tentatively and placed it on Angels shoulder.
"Angel I'm so sorry about Buffy." Cordelia whispered.
Angel whipped around, his vamp face on and bloody tears running from his yellowed eyes. "Sorry! Why would you be sorry? You should be glad, Buffy is dead, now you can make your move on me. That is what you have wanted to do ever since the Bronze."
The tears were soon replaced as Angels words hit her like a sledgehammer. "Angel what are you saying? That I am glad Buffy is dead? I would never wish anyone dead. I tried it remember and it didn't work."
"Why didn't you see it? Why didn't you see the worlds best Slayer die? Doyle did!" Cordelia stood still in shock. "If I hadn't been off saving you again then I could have stopped her dying. Instead I saved your life; I lost her because of you."
Cordelia felt her world fall apart at his last sentence. She spun on her heels as all of her senses went into overdrive. Cordelia ran down the hall, grabbing her bag on the way out.
Next Day:
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Angel descended the hotels main staircase, having got no sleep the night before, dressed completely in black. He spotted Wesley sitting in his office, solemnly fixed on a text but seeing nothing on the page but meaningless words. He stuck his head around Cordeilas door expecting to see her with the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. Instead it was empty, having not been touch since Willow turned up the pervious day.
"Where's Cordelia? Is she in?" Angel asked quietly.
"No. She has a week of solid auditions so she phoned me last night to tell me she might not be around the office much. She sounded very upset about Buffy."
Angel wandered into her office, her desk empty of files. There was a clear line in the dust on her desk where her picture of the Doyle and Angel had been: it was gone. He flicked through her rolla-deck to find her ID card was missing as well.
A Week Later:
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Angel sat alone in his office, Wesley had left a hour before to go and have lunch with an old friend from his school days and Gunn was catching up with his homies. He was filing away the latest case, stilling trying to get to grips with Cordelias filing system when he spotted an A4 Black book, hiding away at the back of one of the cabinets. He pulled it out to find it was a diary with 'AUDITIONS' printed across the front of it. He flicked through the pages until he came across that weeks entries but it was empty. Cordelia hadn't had any auditions since two weeks before. She had lied to Wesley about where she was. He rushed over to her desk and dialled her apartment number but got an automated voice telling him her line had been disconnected. He dialled the cellphone number but it was switched off. Panic began to over take the Vampire as he picked up his duster and left the hotel via the sewage tunnels.
Half an hour later he arrived at Cordelias apartment block and he knocked firmly on her door. There was no answer so Angel forced the lock open with one firm pull of the door handle. He found the apartment deserted of life and dust sheets covering all the original furniture, a thin layer of dust showing that she hadn't been there all week. A white envelope floated towards him, his name written in Cordelias scripture hand writing. Angel hurriedly opened the unsealed envelope and read the letter:
Dear Angel,
Now that you are reading this it means I have gone. As you can see the apartment is empty, any new tenants will probably be scared away by Dennis and his dodgy music.
I took the cowards way out; I left, walked away. You were right, as always: It was my fault that you couldn't save Buffy and I am so sorry. I could never make it up to you, all that pain of losing the only one you truly loved. It is probably months since you last saw me and due to my uselessness, you haven't noticed I was missing from the office.
I have left to try and find a way to make up for what part I played in Buffys death. There are so many people I have down: Buffy, Giles, Dawn, Willow, Xander, Wesley and even Spike in some twisted way. But I let you down the hardest and to see you everyday would both of us hurt too much.
I won't be back so could you find some way to let Dennis go, I think he will be very lonely by now. He doesn't know where I am going, hell, even I don't know where I am going. Let me repay Buffys debt and maybe, when I'm ready, I'll come back.
Faithfully Cordelia.
The letter floated gracefully to the ground as Angel ran to her room and threw open her wardrobes to find them void of her clothes but her trapped scent flooding out over him. Angel stood in the middle of the living room, looking around at the starkness of the apartment. He turned towards the door and ran out to the sewers, leaving the door wide open. Dennis floated, dishearten, over to the door and closed it finally. He knew that Angel would never find Cordelia.
FADE OUT
Six Years Later:
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Angel watched, intrigued, from the shadows as the two figures moved and counter moved. Their figures, even with Angels eyesight, were silhouetted against LA's harsh city scape. The woman dived then high kicked at the demon who sunk painfully to the ground. She saw his moment of weakness and made her move. Angel watched in amazement as the woman pulled out a bladed axe and swiftly removed the demons head like a knife through hot butter. If he didn't know any better he would say the woman was a Slayer but he knew Faith was too heavily pregnant to slay and a phonecall from Willow the day before had told him that there was no sign of a new Slayer in Sunnydale yet. The woman looked up from the demons disappearing corpse and searched in Angels direction. He sunk futher into the bushes but the tall woman bolted off in the other direction.
Angel revealed himself from the shadows and sniffed the air. The wind carried a hint of a familiar fragrance and it took him a few seconds to place it. It was the perfume that he had gave to Cordelia as the first Christmas present he had given anyone since Buffy. He had given it to her for their first Christmas as a trio, Cordelia, him and Doyle. He had searched for hours and eventually the counter girl had passed him a bottle and as soon as he smelt he knew that it matched Cordelia perfectly. It brought his senses alive and now he couldn't let it go. He watched a black Porshe roar away at high speed and back onto the main streets of LA. Curiosity got the better of him and he jumped onto the Chopper and pulled into the traffic after it. He lost the car after about 10 minutes and had to rely on his sense of smell to track the mystery woman.
Angel followed the scent until he came to a beachside house. A black Porshe sat outside the front of the house in the large driveway, a light on at the side of the house and the livingroom fully lit. He sniffed the air a final time and found the scent surrounded the house and hung with the salt in the ocean air. He climbed the stairs and knocked cautiously on the door and stepped back as a figure neared the door.
The door opened to reveal a tall, thin figure standing with a grey cat in her arms. The cat hissed at Angel as Angel stood with his eyes wide in surprise and his mouth open. The woman standing in the doorway mirrored his expression.
"Cordelia?" Angel stammered.
"Angel." Cordelia whispered back hoarsely.
The two estranged friends stood for a few minutes just staring at each other before Cordelia connected her brain back up to her mouth and invited Angel into her home.
Angel stepped wearily into the expansive livingroom, the cat watching him carefully from the safety of the open plan kitchen. Cordelia motioned for him to sit down on one of the huge black couches that were in the room. He looked around and saw the picture of them sitting on a lime wood sideboard against the back wall. It was sitting next to a picture of Cordelia dressed in a white muslin dress, roses in her hair, and she was standing next to a man who was dressed in a morning suit smiling broadly while a little girl dressed in a white summer dress held a small bouquet. Angel put the people together and realised that is was Cordelias wedding photograph and the man must be her husband. He looked around expecting to see him walk out one of the rooms, but no one did. Cordelia walked over to the opposite couch and placed a cup of steaming coffee in front of him on the coffee table.
"So it was you in the bushes. You followed me back here." Cordelia started. "I thought I had sensed you but I have felt that a couple of times and always got away in time."
"Cordelia what is going on? Where have you been? Why did you leave?" Angel asked, all the questions coming out at once.
"Angel I had to leave. I had let everyone down and I knew you would never forgive me for stopping you saving Buffy so I walked out and left the apartment."
"I saw you fighting a demon, I saw you kill it. You acted like a Slayer would. I don't get it." Angel looked directly at her confused.
"That's me a Seer and Slayer in one. Two in the body of one. I was called to the Oracle Chamber the day after I left A.I and they knew that I wanted to make-up for Buffys death so they offered to take my visions away or I could become the next Slayer. I chose to become the next Slayer. All of a sudden I had all this strength and I could fight so that is what I have been doing for the last six years, without help from the Council. You never told that the Oracles were under the Post Office. Kinda poetic huh?"
"So you've replaced...Buffy." He struggled to say a name that hadn't been spoken since Willow left LA six years ago. " I never meant those things I said. I was upset, angry and I was looking for someone to blame where there wasn't anyone. I never thought you would leave. I tried to find you but you vanished."
"No you were right. I'm trying to make up for it now though." The cat padded back into the room and sat beside Cordelia. it started hissing at Angel again. "Don't worry, it's only because your a Vampire. Cats are sort of sensitive to these things. She protects me kinda like Dennis did but you can see a cat. What happened to Dennis?"
"We couldn't set him free and we both were getting very lonely after you left so he haunts the hotel now and he found plenty to tidy up so we are happier together."
Silence descending between the two, each revelling in the sight of the other.
"So Wesley let you borrow the Chopper huh? How is the Watcher?"
Angel inverted his eyes to the floor and searched for the right words to tell her. "Wesley died two years ago." He felt Cordelias shock "We were fighting a chaos demons and it got the upper hand. We tried to get away but he rammed the car and tipped it over. I was flung from the car and broke my back but it took 6 hours to cut Wesley from the ball of metal that was left after the demon had finished with it. He died later in hospital. You see we've both let people down."
Cordelia felt her heart fill with sorrow that she couldn't have saved him as well but she had learned a long time ago that a Slayer can't save everyone. "What about Gunn? Is he OK?"
Angel let out a small laugh. "He got married to Faith of all people. Their expecting their first baby in two weeks. Faith only got two years for GBH because they couldn't prove that she killed the Mayors assistant. You should see Gunn get goggily eyed over baby booties. I don't think Faith is going to slay anymore. So you got married as well huh?"
Cordelia looked at the picture on the side board and her smile fell. "Yeah, after I left the Chamber I went to New York and stayed with my mother. I got a job working in the Plaza as a waitress and that is where I met Jack. He was a regular in the restaurant. He owned a shipping business and we were married 6 months later. I only ever married him because I was lonely and I needed to feel loved and wanted again."
"So you got what you wanted? A rich husband, big house, and car to match."
"Angel I had what I wanted before Darla then Buffy but I ruined it. Things were OK at first with Jack but he couldn't handle my nightly disappearing acts when I had to patrol. One night I came home and he accused me of having an affair. That was the end. We got a divorce, I got the half of the business that was in my name and I moved back here."
"So did you have any kids? Who's the little girl in the photograph?"
"She was Jacks niece. I still see her when she comes to LA. No we didn't have any kids, I can't have any." She saw Angels shocked face. "I was fighting a Butta demon and he had claw hands. One swipe and he sliced me open. The doctors said I was lucky to be alive but the scar that the claw left stops me having any children, not that a Slayer can have children sensibly anyway. I have Smokey, my cat, instead. so you still have the Vampire thing going on then."
"Oh I got the permanent soul but I'm still waiting for the Shansu to happen. Wesley and I finished translating the scrolls before he died. We figured out that the battles and plagues all started when I got my soul and when I was in Sunnydale so we figure it should only be another 10 years or so. We translated that I get my Shansu given to me by Ruler or the Keeper of Sights, then I have to figure out what it is mean by 'The silence shall speak and the unions be joined.' So when I figure that out I will get my Shansu."
"You don't sound excited about it." Cordelia stated.
"I didn't seem worth it anymore because I have no one to share it with once Buffy had died and then you left me. I thought I could cope with Wesley but then I couldn't save him so I gave up on the whole human thing. I can't believe I've found you again."
"Angel I never wanted you to find me. I have hurt you too much, with my moaning, saving me all the time and then Buffy. Has there been any sign of her coming back?"
"No. If you have been called that means she did die and she isn't going to come back."
Cordelia wrestled with her own thoughts as Angels pain was clearly displayed on his face. She had been granted the knowledge of the future on the condition she kept it safe. Cordelia knew what had happened to Buffy, one of the reasons she had taken on the Slayers life. But maybe this was the only way she could ever truly make it up to Angel and Buffy.
"Angel what if I could tell you what has happened to Buffy?"
Angel looked at her in disbelief and shock. "How could you know what happened to Buffy if you weren't even there when she died?" Angel asked, confused by Cordelias statement.
"When I was granted my powers, I was also shown the future of those closest to the Powers so that I could protect them. I was told that I had to guard the future, I became Fate for the Powers closest. One of those was Buffy. I know where she is and what happened to her."
Angel sat on the edge of his seat, unable to process what Cordelia was telling him. Cordelia respected his silence and continued; it was too late to stop.
"When Glory died, Buffy was still alive - just. She was so badly injured that they didn't think that she would survive. The Council took over and flew her to England so that she could be treated where they knew how best to deal with a Slayer. For all she had disowned them, they still needed her in the field since they couldn't call another Slayer. She recovered all her strength and she was on her way back to America when she had an accident and lost her memory. The Council decided enough was enough and gave her a new identity as Anne. They lost contact with her but when I received Fate, I went to look for her and found her. She lives in London, in a house. She makes her living as an artist. They say she has untapped memories and the art is her trying to remember."
Angel felt angry towards Cordelia. "Why didn't you come and find me. I could have went back to her and we could have been together. You said you wanted to make it up to me, why didn't you tell me?"
Cordelia sympathised with the Vampires angst and felt his pain echo in her own heart. "Angel I didn't tell you because I wasn't allowed to. She is to never remember her past as the Slayer and she doesn't remember it. If she sees you you might stir up old memories even if she thinks she doesn't know you."
"But I didn't even get to say goodbye to her. That's all I ever wanted, was a chance to say a proper goodbye."
Cordelia wrestled with what she knew was the right thing to do and finding peace for her best friend. "I'll take you to where she lives, in London, but you can't talk to her or meet her. I'm sorry but that's the way it is." Angel nodded his head reluctantly. "Right meet me at LAX in an hour and we'll take my jet out. Don't worry, it can be sun proofed and given the time difference we should arrive there at around 9pm so the sun should have set."
Angel parted her company in double haste and rushed straight back to the hotel having phoned ahead to get Dennis to pack some things for a trip. He didn't tell him that he had found Cordelia or that she was the Slayer: That would come later, once he had time to come to terms with it himself.
He threw his bags at the taxi man and jumped in the back, trying to bribe him with extra if he would drive faster along the airport freeway. The cab skidded in the parking bay. Cordelia was waiting for him, free of baggage and a baggage man waiting to take his bags and escort them both to Cordelias jet. The blinds had all been pulled down and a blacked out car had been hired and was waiting for them in London. The large black limousine pulled up outside the hotel Cordelia had booked, the sad, dreary weather reflecting what they were both feeling inside. Angel was excited but heartbroken at the thought that Buffy had been alive for these six years and he hadn't known about it. Cordelia was apprehensive at the Powers That Be's punishment for breaking her six year old oath to them but glad that she could, at last, help her best friend find peace again.
x-x-x-x-x-x
Angel knocked tentatively on the Cordelias suites connecting door. A muffled 'come in' made him pull down the gold handle and he walked into Cordelias darkened room.
"Cordelia are you ready to go yet? I really want to see her as soon as possible."
"Angel, there is something I want you to see first so you can really understand why I don't want you to meet her. I know you want to see Buffy but you have to realise that things have changed for her. She isn't the Buffy that knows about Vampires and Masters and Helldemons; she's the Buffy that knows about dipers and water-colours. She isn't the Buffy who you fell in love with!"
"She'll always be the Buffy that I fell in love with Cordelia." Angel snapped. "I even loved her when she killed me."
Cordelia laid a claming hand on the old Vampires arm. "So why do you keep talking in the past tense?"
"'Cos I loved someone else as well. I fell in love with you as well. Before you..."
Cordelia stood in shock in the middle of her bedroom only moving to steady herself on one of it's four post. "Your lying! You can say what you want but I won't let you speak to her. Stop LYING Angel."
"I'm not lying but you took off before I could tell you how I felt. God Cordelia this is a mess. You said you had something to show me."
"It's a gallery, with Buffys work in it. Nothing major, just a private art house that exhibits art for students. I want you to see what she is trying to unlock when she paints, just like you when you draw."
Angel nodded his head in a reluctant agreement and Cordelia reached for the phone to arrange for the limousine to pick them up.
The gallery wasn't modern looking from the outside or indeed grand looking in anyway as Angel had grown to expect like the galleries in L.A. Cordelia took his hand and led him inside to the low-lit room, picture lights showing off the paintings to their best. She walked him passed pictures of naked women and men, bowls of distorted fruit until Cordelia stopped him in front of a dark looking picture of a field of wooden crosses towering at least 7 foot in the air. A black, silhouetted figure in the foreground caught his eye. The figure looked as if he were walking among the crosses, searching, looking for something he had lost. Angel looked for the artists name and almost choked in surprise... Anne Summers. Buffy had painted that picture. Cordelia put a knowing hand on Angels shoulder, knowing what he must be thinking.
"It's called ''The Hunted Memory.' The figure in the picture is you, walking among the graves of all the people you killed. She doesn't know this because it is her untapped memories. Look at this one."
Cordelia pointed to a large canvas with what looked like a spinning circle, a vortex, in bright purples and deep reds. A deed red heart was in the middle of it with a silver sword passing down through it and a wooden stake going the opposite direction.
"Alcatha!" He muttered quietly to himself, though Cordelia heard it. A disadvantage of a Slayers hearing.
"This one is what everyone said was her best work but not even I understand it and I was part of all this." Cordelia placed him in front of a smaller painting but just as powerful.
A silver cross hung from a long matching chain and was suspended from a pale female hand, whos palms were facing upwards. Angel took in an unneeded breath and smiled.
"It was the cross I gave Buffy when I first met her, the time I finished up on my butt. I left it in her hand just before I turned back in Angelus, when we..um..spent the night together." He looked sadly away from the painting, away from the pain.
"I'm sorry, I should never have brought you here." Cordelia mumbled.
Angel took her hand in his and smiled at her. "No I am glad you did. I understand everything now. I still wanna see her, but I promise I won't try anything else."
The couple headed out to the waiting limousine and headed out to the Notting Hill area of the sprawling metropolis of London. The Victorian houses stood starkly together, an occasional fenced in garden in the middle of the houses. They pulled up, down the street from the house knew was Buffys and waited...They waited for a hour until a midnight blue Ford Focus pulled up outside the door and the familiar blonde stepped out. Cordelia heard Angel gasp at the sight of the thought dead Slayer.
Anne Summers opened the back door of the little car and undid a seatbelt in the back and pulled out a chair like object. She locked up the car and turn towards her house. As Anne passed under a street lit, it's florescent beam caught the chair-like object and the fragile bundle it was carrying.
Cordelia felt Angel turn to look at her, feeling the confusing look on his face. She had the same look but probably mixed with a little more surprise. The fragile bundle was a baby, a baby just three months old and, now, sadly without a father.
Riley had died at the hand, or should that be claws, of a Ranther demon - thing that went bump in the night still intruding on Buffys new life. After she had 'died' Riley had came back to Sunnydale for her funeral and gave up all hope of love until a sighting from Forrest, who was in London tracking down a cult, had sworn he saw her. Riley didn't waste a minute, went AWOL and tracked her down to the same gallery where Angel had seen her work and she was there at a sale. They went on dates, got serious and then, three years after her accident, they were married in a little church in Suffolk.
"Cordelia who is thing she is carrying?" angel asked the inevitable question.
"Angel, it's a baby boy, not a thing. His name is Jack and he is about three months old."
"That would mean she is married because Buffy said she would never have children unless she was married. She was traditional that way."
"Yeah she was until last month when he...he died."
"Who was he?"
Cordelia turned away from the hurt Vampire. "Angel I don't think that...
"Cordelia just tell me."
"Riley!" She whispered. "He found her before you found me, three years ago. I'm sorry Angel but Fate had to take it's course, you said you understand. He died from complications after an operation to repair some kind of a heart murmur caused by the pills they gave him in the Army. Buffy is still recovering."
Cordelia watched his face flash between anger and pity at the woman he once loved so powerfully but still held a place for her in his heart. "Angel the sun is nearly rising, I think that we should get back to the hotel and you can come back tomorrow night... without me. I can trust you now."
Cordelia turned away, her long hair flickering in the breeze like a candle about to go out. Angel looked at his watch and saw it was only 2:00am but sensed Cordelia discomfort of the situation. He tore himself away from Buffys house and started off towards the Limousine. The driver stood by the door and motioned for Angel to get in. The driver muttered. 'Miss Chase may be gone sometime.' Angel nodded and got inside the sleek black car. Inside a white envelope sat on the crisp leather seat, Cordelias handwriting gracing the front of it. Angels stomach it the floor, this is how Cordelia had left the last time. He tentatively opened the sealed shell and pulled out a white piece of paper:
'Dear Angel,
You don't know what finding you has meant to me and now that I have paid back my debt to you I feel released. But now I have one more twist to Fate to make in order to fulfil a promise I made to the Oracles. I knew that once you found Buffy you wouldn't let her go so I am helping you on you way, removing the only obstacle standing in your path: Me! Don't try and find me as I am probably gone...again. Go to Buffy if that is what your heart wants; don't make the mistake I made and go with heart because it knows what it wants. Let me explain a few things: First of all I am the one who grants you your Shansu. You see I am the Keeper of Fate as well as Sights so Wesley got I wrong again. 'The Silence Shall Speak' is us..we are the warriors that are silent and now that we have straighten things out we are no longer silent!!! I always said the Powers were warped in some way. Our union comes in the shape of a little girl called Hope who will come to you age 2. She is our little girl. I know what you about to say: I'm a Vampire, you can't have kids, the Powers have screwed us over again but this time it is for real. She is in every way genetically ours, our blood, our features and YES she is half Vampire but they say without the blood lust. Look after her as your own because she will be your FIRST shot at parenthood. Twice tonight I will borrow someone else's words but this one is a poem read by my Aunt at my Grandma's funeral.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glint on the snow.
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quiet birds in circling flight,
I am the soft starshine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.
I'm sorry, Love Cordelia.
Angel scrunched the letter in his hand as a silent tear ran down his cheek in an effort of his soul to rationalise the meaning of Cordelias words 'I am not there, I did not die.' She was going to kill herself, to stop Fate from dictating HIS future. She was doing this for him. Angel closed his eyes and imagined he was in Cordelias body, looking out of Cordelias eyes, seeing what she was seeing. He remembered it from his days in London with Darla, Dru, and Spike. She was heading near Hyde Park, fresh from a Vampire battle, he could smell their scents. He shouted to the driver to take him there and reluctantly he agreed.
The limo pulled up as Angel watched Cordelia stumble away from a fledgling Vampire, now dust in the airless night. He pounced from the car and landed in front of the exhausted Slayer/Seer.
"ANGEL!" She shouted "What are you doing here? I told you had business to take care of."
"This is business that is going top stay unfinished. I figured out your coded message. I thought I was the only one who was allowed to be cryptic."
"Angel just leave it." She shouted weakly, the tears streaming down her face. "I have to do this, it's my pay back, my punishment."
"I think that we have punished each other enough, don't you?"
"NO! I seen the way you looked at Buffy, you still love her. Well I am giving the only chance to be with her." Cordelia closed her eyes and started to chant:
I See The End,
I Hold The Future
Let him Be Free
A Child To Nurture.
His Soul Sealed
His Demon Gone
Let His Heart
Beat Its Now Faithful Song
Angel felt the pain rip through him as the blood began to pump again around is body, his long un-used heat starting to pulse again, the warmth flooding back through his body. His hearing was still acute, the strength still built up in his body like 'Popeye'. Cordelia still looked crystal clear in front of him, through the black of night.
Cordelia looked at him and smiled at his flushed colour. She turned away from his and moved towards the pavement edge. Two blinding lights neared them at the legal limit of 60mph and Cordelia saw them, saw her chance. She stepped off the pavement and onto the tarmac of the road. A blaring horn, a dull thud and a screeching halt sealed Cordelia Chase: The Vampire Slayer's Fate.
Angel tried to reached out and grab her but she was too far ahead of him. He watched her thin body being thrown over the bonnet and hitting the windscreen. The smash of the windscreen echoed through him, the final thud as she hit the cold, hard tarmac. Angel ran to her side as the car skidded to a halt thirty meters down the road. He rolled her body into his lap, comforted by his strong arms.
"Cordelia don't go!" Angel cried, in crystal clear tears.
"YOU can't cheat Fate Angel, but I can. Let it be and take care of Hope." She snuggled her ear closer to his jumper, searching for the long redundant sound.
Angel held her as her heart slowed, muffled then stopped. The last sound she heard was the Lub-Dub of his own heartbeat. A life in exchange for a life.
-x-x-x-x-x-x
Angel stood next to the freshly covered grave and let a single tear of mourning fall down his cheek. Cordelias grave sat next to the grave of the man he hated and thanked in every way he had ever known.
'Riley Finn'
'Your Son Will Know You'
'Died 12.11.06'
The petite blonde slowly made her way along the grass path that marked the boundaries between graves. The carrier in her hand swung gently in the late afternoon sunshine, it's passenger sleeping soundly. She noticed the black clad figure, almost silhouetted against the orange sky of the setting sun. She noted the new grave beside her husbands. The mourner looked up in her direction with familiarity in his eyes.
"It gets easier you know." She started.
Angel was taken aback at her long unheard voice. It filled him like an echo in a cavern; slowly growing louder then fading altogether. "Not in any lifetime. I won't get her back this time."
"You have any kids? They help you pull out of it."
"Yeah, one, a little girl called Hope. She's about Two years old."
"Two Years old? Then she'll need her daddy now that her mum has gone. I lost my husband only a month ago. It's hard but they need you more than you need grief. We all have a part of us we don't know until some event unlocks it."
"I know. I knew who you were before the accident, when you first met Riley at Sunnydale University, when your mum died and we sat by the tree like we had forever. I know what events your missing but I'll never know what I missed out of her life."
Buffy turned her face away from Rileys grave at the mention of her accident: no one except Riley knew about it. Sunnydale? Her mum? Instead she found the dark man gone and a silver ring like the one on her middle left finger rocking gently on Rileys grave.
Sunnydale was a good place to start.
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Sadness in my eyes
No-one guessed, well no one tried
You smiled at me
Like Jesus to a child
Loveless and cold
With your last breath you saved my soul
You smiled at me
Like Jesus to a child
And what I have learned
From all these tears
I waited for you all these years
Then just when it begun
You take your love away
But still I stay...
George Michael - Jesus To A Child
Summary: Guilt is a heavy burden to bear when the people you failed are around you everyday. Cordelia must choose between Fate and saving a soul.
Disclaimer: it's simple, it ain't mine, it's Joss' so don't sue and I'll still have enough money to go to Uni!
Feedback: Silly question...YES PLEASE! Send by form or directly to gingernutt@lycos.com!
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*Hidden Truths*
By
Zoe Morrison
The words seemed to echo around the mostly abandoned hotel. "Buffy Is Dead" Each echo hammering the words futher home. Willow rose, shattering the silent shock that had descended on the four people in the small office.
"I think that I better go now, I have to go and tell Buffy's dad and make plans for Dawn. Angel I am so sorry that you couldn't have found out sooner."
Willow looked down in sorrow at the devastated Vampire and shared his grief at the loss of their friend. Wesley joined her side, not knowing what to say to Angel or Cordelia, who was sobbing quietly in the corner.
"I'll see you out Willow." He said placing a light hand on the Wiccas shoulder.
The couple left, leaving Angel and Cordelia alone in the main office. Cordelia stood up from her corner and ran the back of her hand across her face, wiping away her tears. She reached out her hand tentatively and placed it on Angels shoulder.
"Angel I'm so sorry about Buffy." Cordelia whispered.
Angel whipped around, his vamp face on and bloody tears running from his yellowed eyes. "Sorry! Why would you be sorry? You should be glad, Buffy is dead, now you can make your move on me. That is what you have wanted to do ever since the Bronze."
The tears were soon replaced as Angels words hit her like a sledgehammer. "Angel what are you saying? That I am glad Buffy is dead? I would never wish anyone dead. I tried it remember and it didn't work."
"Why didn't you see it? Why didn't you see the worlds best Slayer die? Doyle did!" Cordelia stood still in shock. "If I hadn't been off saving you again then I could have stopped her dying. Instead I saved your life; I lost her because of you."
Cordelia felt her world fall apart at his last sentence. She spun on her heels as all of her senses went into overdrive. Cordelia ran down the hall, grabbing her bag on the way out.
Next Day:
`````````
Angel descended the hotels main staircase, having got no sleep the night before, dressed completely in black. He spotted Wesley sitting in his office, solemnly fixed on a text but seeing nothing on the page but meaningless words. He stuck his head around Cordeilas door expecting to see her with the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. Instead it was empty, having not been touch since Willow turned up the pervious day.
"Where's Cordelia? Is she in?" Angel asked quietly.
"No. She has a week of solid auditions so she phoned me last night to tell me she might not be around the office much. She sounded very upset about Buffy."
Angel wandered into her office, her desk empty of files. There was a clear line in the dust on her desk where her picture of the Doyle and Angel had been: it was gone. He flicked through her rolla-deck to find her ID card was missing as well.
A Week Later:
`````````````
Angel sat alone in his office, Wesley had left a hour before to go and have lunch with an old friend from his school days and Gunn was catching up with his homies. He was filing away the latest case, stilling trying to get to grips with Cordelias filing system when he spotted an A4 Black book, hiding away at the back of one of the cabinets. He pulled it out to find it was a diary with 'AUDITIONS' printed across the front of it. He flicked through the pages until he came across that weeks entries but it was empty. Cordelia hadn't had any auditions since two weeks before. She had lied to Wesley about where she was. He rushed over to her desk and dialled her apartment number but got an automated voice telling him her line had been disconnected. He dialled the cellphone number but it was switched off. Panic began to over take the Vampire as he picked up his duster and left the hotel via the sewage tunnels.
Half an hour later he arrived at Cordelias apartment block and he knocked firmly on her door. There was no answer so Angel forced the lock open with one firm pull of the door handle. He found the apartment deserted of life and dust sheets covering all the original furniture, a thin layer of dust showing that she hadn't been there all week. A white envelope floated towards him, his name written in Cordelias scripture hand writing. Angel hurriedly opened the unsealed envelope and read the letter:
Dear Angel,
Now that you are reading this it means I have gone. As you can see the apartment is empty, any new tenants will probably be scared away by Dennis and his dodgy music.
I took the cowards way out; I left, walked away. You were right, as always: It was my fault that you couldn't save Buffy and I am so sorry. I could never make it up to you, all that pain of losing the only one you truly loved. It is probably months since you last saw me and due to my uselessness, you haven't noticed I was missing from the office.
I have left to try and find a way to make up for what part I played in Buffys death. There are so many people I have down: Buffy, Giles, Dawn, Willow, Xander, Wesley and even Spike in some twisted way. But I let you down the hardest and to see you everyday would both of us hurt too much.
I won't be back so could you find some way to let Dennis go, I think he will be very lonely by now. He doesn't know where I am going, hell, even I don't know where I am going. Let me repay Buffys debt and maybe, when I'm ready, I'll come back.
Faithfully Cordelia.
The letter floated gracefully to the ground as Angel ran to her room and threw open her wardrobes to find them void of her clothes but her trapped scent flooding out over him. Angel stood in the middle of the living room, looking around at the starkness of the apartment. He turned towards the door and ran out to the sewers, leaving the door wide open. Dennis floated, dishearten, over to the door and closed it finally. He knew that Angel would never find Cordelia.
FADE OUT
Six Years Later:
`````````````
Angel watched, intrigued, from the shadows as the two figures moved and counter moved. Their figures, even with Angels eyesight, were silhouetted against LA's harsh city scape. The woman dived then high kicked at the demon who sunk painfully to the ground. She saw his moment of weakness and made her move. Angel watched in amazement as the woman pulled out a bladed axe and swiftly removed the demons head like a knife through hot butter. If he didn't know any better he would say the woman was a Slayer but he knew Faith was too heavily pregnant to slay and a phonecall from Willow the day before had told him that there was no sign of a new Slayer in Sunnydale yet. The woman looked up from the demons disappearing corpse and searched in Angels direction. He sunk futher into the bushes but the tall woman bolted off in the other direction.
Angel revealed himself from the shadows and sniffed the air. The wind carried a hint of a familiar fragrance and it took him a few seconds to place it. It was the perfume that he had gave to Cordelia as the first Christmas present he had given anyone since Buffy. He had given it to her for their first Christmas as a trio, Cordelia, him and Doyle. He had searched for hours and eventually the counter girl had passed him a bottle and as soon as he smelt he knew that it matched Cordelia perfectly. It brought his senses alive and now he couldn't let it go. He watched a black Porshe roar away at high speed and back onto the main streets of LA. Curiosity got the better of him and he jumped onto the Chopper and pulled into the traffic after it. He lost the car after about 10 minutes and had to rely on his sense of smell to track the mystery woman.
Angel followed the scent until he came to a beachside house. A black Porshe sat outside the front of the house in the large driveway, a light on at the side of the house and the livingroom fully lit. He sniffed the air a final time and found the scent surrounded the house and hung with the salt in the ocean air. He climbed the stairs and knocked cautiously on the door and stepped back as a figure neared the door.
The door opened to reveal a tall, thin figure standing with a grey cat in her arms. The cat hissed at Angel as Angel stood with his eyes wide in surprise and his mouth open. The woman standing in the doorway mirrored his expression.
"Cordelia?" Angel stammered.
"Angel." Cordelia whispered back hoarsely.
The two estranged friends stood for a few minutes just staring at each other before Cordelia connected her brain back up to her mouth and invited Angel into her home.
Angel stepped wearily into the expansive livingroom, the cat watching him carefully from the safety of the open plan kitchen. Cordelia motioned for him to sit down on one of the huge black couches that were in the room. He looked around and saw the picture of them sitting on a lime wood sideboard against the back wall. It was sitting next to a picture of Cordelia dressed in a white muslin dress, roses in her hair, and she was standing next to a man who was dressed in a morning suit smiling broadly while a little girl dressed in a white summer dress held a small bouquet. Angel put the people together and realised that is was Cordelias wedding photograph and the man must be her husband. He looked around expecting to see him walk out one of the rooms, but no one did. Cordelia walked over to the opposite couch and placed a cup of steaming coffee in front of him on the coffee table.
"So it was you in the bushes. You followed me back here." Cordelia started. "I thought I had sensed you but I have felt that a couple of times and always got away in time."
"Cordelia what is going on? Where have you been? Why did you leave?" Angel asked, all the questions coming out at once.
"Angel I had to leave. I had let everyone down and I knew you would never forgive me for stopping you saving Buffy so I walked out and left the apartment."
"I saw you fighting a demon, I saw you kill it. You acted like a Slayer would. I don't get it." Angel looked directly at her confused.
"That's me a Seer and Slayer in one. Two in the body of one. I was called to the Oracle Chamber the day after I left A.I and they knew that I wanted to make-up for Buffys death so they offered to take my visions away or I could become the next Slayer. I chose to become the next Slayer. All of a sudden I had all this strength and I could fight so that is what I have been doing for the last six years, without help from the Council. You never told that the Oracles were under the Post Office. Kinda poetic huh?"
"So you've replaced...Buffy." He struggled to say a name that hadn't been spoken since Willow left LA six years ago. " I never meant those things I said. I was upset, angry and I was looking for someone to blame where there wasn't anyone. I never thought you would leave. I tried to find you but you vanished."
"No you were right. I'm trying to make up for it now though." The cat padded back into the room and sat beside Cordelia. it started hissing at Angel again. "Don't worry, it's only because your a Vampire. Cats are sort of sensitive to these things. She protects me kinda like Dennis did but you can see a cat. What happened to Dennis?"
"We couldn't set him free and we both were getting very lonely after you left so he haunts the hotel now and he found plenty to tidy up so we are happier together."
Silence descending between the two, each revelling in the sight of the other.
"So Wesley let you borrow the Chopper huh? How is the Watcher?"
Angel inverted his eyes to the floor and searched for the right words to tell her. "Wesley died two years ago." He felt Cordelias shock "We were fighting a chaos demons and it got the upper hand. We tried to get away but he rammed the car and tipped it over. I was flung from the car and broke my back but it took 6 hours to cut Wesley from the ball of metal that was left after the demon had finished with it. He died later in hospital. You see we've both let people down."
Cordelia felt her heart fill with sorrow that she couldn't have saved him as well but she had learned a long time ago that a Slayer can't save everyone. "What about Gunn? Is he OK?"
Angel let out a small laugh. "He got married to Faith of all people. Their expecting their first baby in two weeks. Faith only got two years for GBH because they couldn't prove that she killed the Mayors assistant. You should see Gunn get goggily eyed over baby booties. I don't think Faith is going to slay anymore. So you got married as well huh?"
Cordelia looked at the picture on the side board and her smile fell. "Yeah, after I left the Chamber I went to New York and stayed with my mother. I got a job working in the Plaza as a waitress and that is where I met Jack. He was a regular in the restaurant. He owned a shipping business and we were married 6 months later. I only ever married him because I was lonely and I needed to feel loved and wanted again."
"So you got what you wanted? A rich husband, big house, and car to match."
"Angel I had what I wanted before Darla then Buffy but I ruined it. Things were OK at first with Jack but he couldn't handle my nightly disappearing acts when I had to patrol. One night I came home and he accused me of having an affair. That was the end. We got a divorce, I got the half of the business that was in my name and I moved back here."
"So did you have any kids? Who's the little girl in the photograph?"
"She was Jacks niece. I still see her when she comes to LA. No we didn't have any kids, I can't have any." She saw Angels shocked face. "I was fighting a Butta demon and he had claw hands. One swipe and he sliced me open. The doctors said I was lucky to be alive but the scar that the claw left stops me having any children, not that a Slayer can have children sensibly anyway. I have Smokey, my cat, instead. so you still have the Vampire thing going on then."
"Oh I got the permanent soul but I'm still waiting for the Shansu to happen. Wesley and I finished translating the scrolls before he died. We figured out that the battles and plagues all started when I got my soul and when I was in Sunnydale so we figure it should only be another 10 years or so. We translated that I get my Shansu given to me by Ruler or the Keeper of Sights, then I have to figure out what it is mean by 'The silence shall speak and the unions be joined.' So when I figure that out I will get my Shansu."
"You don't sound excited about it." Cordelia stated.
"I didn't seem worth it anymore because I have no one to share it with once Buffy had died and then you left me. I thought I could cope with Wesley but then I couldn't save him so I gave up on the whole human thing. I can't believe I've found you again."
"Angel I never wanted you to find me. I have hurt you too much, with my moaning, saving me all the time and then Buffy. Has there been any sign of her coming back?"
"No. If you have been called that means she did die and she isn't going to come back."
Cordelia wrestled with her own thoughts as Angels pain was clearly displayed on his face. She had been granted the knowledge of the future on the condition she kept it safe. Cordelia knew what had happened to Buffy, one of the reasons she had taken on the Slayers life. But maybe this was the only way she could ever truly make it up to Angel and Buffy.
"Angel what if I could tell you what has happened to Buffy?"
Angel looked at her in disbelief and shock. "How could you know what happened to Buffy if you weren't even there when she died?" Angel asked, confused by Cordelias statement.
"When I was granted my powers, I was also shown the future of those closest to the Powers so that I could protect them. I was told that I had to guard the future, I became Fate for the Powers closest. One of those was Buffy. I know where she is and what happened to her."
Angel sat on the edge of his seat, unable to process what Cordelia was telling him. Cordelia respected his silence and continued; it was too late to stop.
"When Glory died, Buffy was still alive - just. She was so badly injured that they didn't think that she would survive. The Council took over and flew her to England so that she could be treated where they knew how best to deal with a Slayer. For all she had disowned them, they still needed her in the field since they couldn't call another Slayer. She recovered all her strength and she was on her way back to America when she had an accident and lost her memory. The Council decided enough was enough and gave her a new identity as Anne. They lost contact with her but when I received Fate, I went to look for her and found her. She lives in London, in a house. She makes her living as an artist. They say she has untapped memories and the art is her trying to remember."
Angel felt angry towards Cordelia. "Why didn't you come and find me. I could have went back to her and we could have been together. You said you wanted to make it up to me, why didn't you tell me?"
Cordelia sympathised with the Vampires angst and felt his pain echo in her own heart. "Angel I didn't tell you because I wasn't allowed to. She is to never remember her past as the Slayer and she doesn't remember it. If she sees you you might stir up old memories even if she thinks she doesn't know you."
"But I didn't even get to say goodbye to her. That's all I ever wanted, was a chance to say a proper goodbye."
Cordelia wrestled with what she knew was the right thing to do and finding peace for her best friend. "I'll take you to where she lives, in London, but you can't talk to her or meet her. I'm sorry but that's the way it is." Angel nodded his head reluctantly. "Right meet me at LAX in an hour and we'll take my jet out. Don't worry, it can be sun proofed and given the time difference we should arrive there at around 9pm so the sun should have set."
Angel parted her company in double haste and rushed straight back to the hotel having phoned ahead to get Dennis to pack some things for a trip. He didn't tell him that he had found Cordelia or that she was the Slayer: That would come later, once he had time to come to terms with it himself.
He threw his bags at the taxi man and jumped in the back, trying to bribe him with extra if he would drive faster along the airport freeway. The cab skidded in the parking bay. Cordelia was waiting for him, free of baggage and a baggage man waiting to take his bags and escort them both to Cordelias jet. The blinds had all been pulled down and a blacked out car had been hired and was waiting for them in London. The large black limousine pulled up outside the hotel Cordelia had booked, the sad, dreary weather reflecting what they were both feeling inside. Angel was excited but heartbroken at the thought that Buffy had been alive for these six years and he hadn't known about it. Cordelia was apprehensive at the Powers That Be's punishment for breaking her six year old oath to them but glad that she could, at last, help her best friend find peace again.
x-x-x-x-x-x
Angel knocked tentatively on the Cordelias suites connecting door. A muffled 'come in' made him pull down the gold handle and he walked into Cordelias darkened room.
"Cordelia are you ready to go yet? I really want to see her as soon as possible."
"Angel, there is something I want you to see first so you can really understand why I don't want you to meet her. I know you want to see Buffy but you have to realise that things have changed for her. She isn't the Buffy that knows about Vampires and Masters and Helldemons; she's the Buffy that knows about dipers and water-colours. She isn't the Buffy who you fell in love with!"
"She'll always be the Buffy that I fell in love with Cordelia." Angel snapped. "I even loved her when she killed me."
Cordelia laid a claming hand on the old Vampires arm. "So why do you keep talking in the past tense?"
"'Cos I loved someone else as well. I fell in love with you as well. Before you..."
Cordelia stood in shock in the middle of her bedroom only moving to steady herself on one of it's four post. "Your lying! You can say what you want but I won't let you speak to her. Stop LYING Angel."
"I'm not lying but you took off before I could tell you how I felt. God Cordelia this is a mess. You said you had something to show me."
"It's a gallery, with Buffys work in it. Nothing major, just a private art house that exhibits art for students. I want you to see what she is trying to unlock when she paints, just like you when you draw."
Angel nodded his head in a reluctant agreement and Cordelia reached for the phone to arrange for the limousine to pick them up.
The gallery wasn't modern looking from the outside or indeed grand looking in anyway as Angel had grown to expect like the galleries in L.A. Cordelia took his hand and led him inside to the low-lit room, picture lights showing off the paintings to their best. She walked him passed pictures of naked women and men, bowls of distorted fruit until Cordelia stopped him in front of a dark looking picture of a field of wooden crosses towering at least 7 foot in the air. A black, silhouetted figure in the foreground caught his eye. The figure looked as if he were walking among the crosses, searching, looking for something he had lost. Angel looked for the artists name and almost choked in surprise... Anne Summers. Buffy had painted that picture. Cordelia put a knowing hand on Angels shoulder, knowing what he must be thinking.
"It's called ''The Hunted Memory.' The figure in the picture is you, walking among the graves of all the people you killed. She doesn't know this because it is her untapped memories. Look at this one."
Cordelia pointed to a large canvas with what looked like a spinning circle, a vortex, in bright purples and deep reds. A deed red heart was in the middle of it with a silver sword passing down through it and a wooden stake going the opposite direction.
"Alcatha!" He muttered quietly to himself, though Cordelia heard it. A disadvantage of a Slayers hearing.
"This one is what everyone said was her best work but not even I understand it and I was part of all this." Cordelia placed him in front of a smaller painting but just as powerful.
A silver cross hung from a long matching chain and was suspended from a pale female hand, whos palms were facing upwards. Angel took in an unneeded breath and smiled.
"It was the cross I gave Buffy when I first met her, the time I finished up on my butt. I left it in her hand just before I turned back in Angelus, when we..um..spent the night together." He looked sadly away from the painting, away from the pain.
"I'm sorry, I should never have brought you here." Cordelia mumbled.
Angel took her hand in his and smiled at her. "No I am glad you did. I understand everything now. I still wanna see her, but I promise I won't try anything else."
The couple headed out to the waiting limousine and headed out to the Notting Hill area of the sprawling metropolis of London. The Victorian houses stood starkly together, an occasional fenced in garden in the middle of the houses. They pulled up, down the street from the house knew was Buffys and waited...They waited for a hour until a midnight blue Ford Focus pulled up outside the door and the familiar blonde stepped out. Cordelia heard Angel gasp at the sight of the thought dead Slayer.
Anne Summers opened the back door of the little car and undid a seatbelt in the back and pulled out a chair like object. She locked up the car and turn towards her house. As Anne passed under a street lit, it's florescent beam caught the chair-like object and the fragile bundle it was carrying.
Cordelia felt Angel turn to look at her, feeling the confusing look on his face. She had the same look but probably mixed with a little more surprise. The fragile bundle was a baby, a baby just three months old and, now, sadly without a father.
Riley had died at the hand, or should that be claws, of a Ranther demon - thing that went bump in the night still intruding on Buffys new life. After she had 'died' Riley had came back to Sunnydale for her funeral and gave up all hope of love until a sighting from Forrest, who was in London tracking down a cult, had sworn he saw her. Riley didn't waste a minute, went AWOL and tracked her down to the same gallery where Angel had seen her work and she was there at a sale. They went on dates, got serious and then, three years after her accident, they were married in a little church in Suffolk.
"Cordelia who is thing she is carrying?" angel asked the inevitable question.
"Angel, it's a baby boy, not a thing. His name is Jack and he is about three months old."
"That would mean she is married because Buffy said she would never have children unless she was married. She was traditional that way."
"Yeah she was until last month when he...he died."
"Who was he?"
Cordelia turned away from the hurt Vampire. "Angel I don't think that...
"Cordelia just tell me."
"Riley!" She whispered. "He found her before you found me, three years ago. I'm sorry Angel but Fate had to take it's course, you said you understand. He died from complications after an operation to repair some kind of a heart murmur caused by the pills they gave him in the Army. Buffy is still recovering."
Cordelia watched his face flash between anger and pity at the woman he once loved so powerfully but still held a place for her in his heart. "Angel the sun is nearly rising, I think that we should get back to the hotel and you can come back tomorrow night... without me. I can trust you now."
Cordelia turned away, her long hair flickering in the breeze like a candle about to go out. Angel looked at his watch and saw it was only 2:00am but sensed Cordelia discomfort of the situation. He tore himself away from Buffys house and started off towards the Limousine. The driver stood by the door and motioned for Angel to get in. The driver muttered. 'Miss Chase may be gone sometime.' Angel nodded and got inside the sleek black car. Inside a white envelope sat on the crisp leather seat, Cordelias handwriting gracing the front of it. Angels stomach it the floor, this is how Cordelia had left the last time. He tentatively opened the sealed shell and pulled out a white piece of paper:
'Dear Angel,
You don't know what finding you has meant to me and now that I have paid back my debt to you I feel released. But now I have one more twist to Fate to make in order to fulfil a promise I made to the Oracles. I knew that once you found Buffy you wouldn't let her go so I am helping you on you way, removing the only obstacle standing in your path: Me! Don't try and find me as I am probably gone...again. Go to Buffy if that is what your heart wants; don't make the mistake I made and go with heart because it knows what it wants. Let me explain a few things: First of all I am the one who grants you your Shansu. You see I am the Keeper of Fate as well as Sights so Wesley got I wrong again. 'The Silence Shall Speak' is us..we are the warriors that are silent and now that we have straighten things out we are no longer silent!!! I always said the Powers were warped in some way. Our union comes in the shape of a little girl called Hope who will come to you age 2. She is our little girl. I know what you about to say: I'm a Vampire, you can't have kids, the Powers have screwed us over again but this time it is for real. She is in every way genetically ours, our blood, our features and YES she is half Vampire but they say without the blood lust. Look after her as your own because she will be your FIRST shot at parenthood. Twice tonight I will borrow someone else's words but this one is a poem read by my Aunt at my Grandma's funeral.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glint on the snow.
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quiet birds in circling flight,
I am the soft starshine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.
I'm sorry, Love Cordelia.
Angel scrunched the letter in his hand as a silent tear ran down his cheek in an effort of his soul to rationalise the meaning of Cordelias words 'I am not there, I did not die.' She was going to kill herself, to stop Fate from dictating HIS future. She was doing this for him. Angel closed his eyes and imagined he was in Cordelias body, looking out of Cordelias eyes, seeing what she was seeing. He remembered it from his days in London with Darla, Dru, and Spike. She was heading near Hyde Park, fresh from a Vampire battle, he could smell their scents. He shouted to the driver to take him there and reluctantly he agreed.
The limo pulled up as Angel watched Cordelia stumble away from a fledgling Vampire, now dust in the airless night. He pounced from the car and landed in front of the exhausted Slayer/Seer.
"ANGEL!" She shouted "What are you doing here? I told you had business to take care of."
"This is business that is going top stay unfinished. I figured out your coded message. I thought I was the only one who was allowed to be cryptic."
"Angel just leave it." She shouted weakly, the tears streaming down her face. "I have to do this, it's my pay back, my punishment."
"I think that we have punished each other enough, don't you?"
"NO! I seen the way you looked at Buffy, you still love her. Well I am giving the only chance to be with her." Cordelia closed her eyes and started to chant:
I See The End,
I Hold The Future
Let him Be Free
A Child To Nurture.
His Soul Sealed
His Demon Gone
Let His Heart
Beat Its Now Faithful Song
Angel felt the pain rip through him as the blood began to pump again around is body, his long un-used heat starting to pulse again, the warmth flooding back through his body. His hearing was still acute, the strength still built up in his body like 'Popeye'. Cordelia still looked crystal clear in front of him, through the black of night.
Cordelia looked at him and smiled at his flushed colour. She turned away from his and moved towards the pavement edge. Two blinding lights neared them at the legal limit of 60mph and Cordelia saw them, saw her chance. She stepped off the pavement and onto the tarmac of the road. A blaring horn, a dull thud and a screeching halt sealed Cordelia Chase: The Vampire Slayer's Fate.
Angel tried to reached out and grab her but she was too far ahead of him. He watched her thin body being thrown over the bonnet and hitting the windscreen. The smash of the windscreen echoed through him, the final thud as she hit the cold, hard tarmac. Angel ran to her side as the car skidded to a halt thirty meters down the road. He rolled her body into his lap, comforted by his strong arms.
"Cordelia don't go!" Angel cried, in crystal clear tears.
"YOU can't cheat Fate Angel, but I can. Let it be and take care of Hope." She snuggled her ear closer to his jumper, searching for the long redundant sound.
Angel held her as her heart slowed, muffled then stopped. The last sound she heard was the Lub-Dub of his own heartbeat. A life in exchange for a life.
-x-x-x-x-x-x
Angel stood next to the freshly covered grave and let a single tear of mourning fall down his cheek. Cordelias grave sat next to the grave of the man he hated and thanked in every way he had ever known.
'Riley Finn'
'Your Son Will Know You'
'Died 12.11.06'
The petite blonde slowly made her way along the grass path that marked the boundaries between graves. The carrier in her hand swung gently in the late afternoon sunshine, it's passenger sleeping soundly. She noticed the black clad figure, almost silhouetted against the orange sky of the setting sun. She noted the new grave beside her husbands. The mourner looked up in her direction with familiarity in his eyes.
"It gets easier you know." She started.
Angel was taken aback at her long unheard voice. It filled him like an echo in a cavern; slowly growing louder then fading altogether. "Not in any lifetime. I won't get her back this time."
"You have any kids? They help you pull out of it."
"Yeah, one, a little girl called Hope. She's about Two years old."
"Two Years old? Then she'll need her daddy now that her mum has gone. I lost my husband only a month ago. It's hard but they need you more than you need grief. We all have a part of us we don't know until some event unlocks it."
"I know. I knew who you were before the accident, when you first met Riley at Sunnydale University, when your mum died and we sat by the tree like we had forever. I know what events your missing but I'll never know what I missed out of her life."
Buffy turned her face away from Rileys grave at the mention of her accident: no one except Riley knew about it. Sunnydale? Her mum? Instead she found the dark man gone and a silver ring like the one on her middle left finger rocking gently on Rileys grave.
Sunnydale was a good place to start.
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Sadness in my eyes
No-one guessed, well no one tried
You smiled at me
Like Jesus to a child
Loveless and cold
With your last breath you saved my soul
You smiled at me
Like Jesus to a child
And what I have learned
From all these tears
I waited for you all these years
Then just when it begun
You take your love away
But still I stay...
George Michael - Jesus To A Child