Horatio stalked into his office and closed the door behind him, the only reason he didn't slam it was because it was made of glass and he didn't want it to shatter all over the place. Eric looked up from his bench where he was comparing fingerprints and then glanced over to trace, where he saw Calleigh and Ryan looking concerned. They too had seen H's entrance that morning.
Going to the staffroom, Eric picked up his mug and filled it with coffee, Calleigh and Ryan soon joining him. "So Eric, Kate say anything to you?" Calleigh's soft question made him turn with a shake of his head.
He sighed, "Seems that H and Mich are going through a rough patch again and judging by his mood this morning, this time the argument was a bad one…"
Ryan was a little mystified, he didn't know Mich that well, though he did know she was very independent and self reliant. He asked if that was the problem.
Calleigh shrugged her shoulders, "It could be part of it, we all know how protective H gets of his family and friends and Mich can't help pushing it down his throat that she is quite capable of looking after herself."
Eric nodded, "The only thing they can seem to agree about these days is Amber…"
&&&
Horatio pushed the file to one side after signing the report, as usual his team had done a thorough job and the case was tight. There were a couple of areas which could be tricky in court, but he was confident that they would get through it well.
Pulling the next file from his pile he sighed as his eye caught the photograph. Taken the previous Christmas the smiles on his and Mich's faces hid the tension underneath. Picking it up, he opened the drawer and put it inside, he couldn't take it anymore, why did she have to be so damn stubborn.
After winning the state championship for the first time the previous year, several people had come forward asking for training – either for their horses or for themselves. Mich knew that many only came because she had won and knew that the following year they would leave, but she still accepted them.
Part of him knew that it was business and that the equestrian industry was very volatile as he had learnt over the last two years. However that did not help him when he suggested to Mich that she should get extra help in the barn.
She would be up nearly every day at five to check out the horses and give them their morning feed before coming back inside to do breakfast. He and Kyra would leave soon after – him to work, Kyra to school on the bus, leaving Mich to spend a couple of hours with Amber before the Nanny came.
That had been his first battle… While Amber had been a baby, Mich would put her in her pram and take her to the barn, and put her in the office which was clean and quiet so Mich could keep an eye on her. With Nicky and Kate around, there was always someone watching over her and H, though uncomfortable with the idea, had accepted that it was ok.
However, when Amber had become mobile, he had suggested that they get someone to help. Mich had rejected the idea instantly, though H knew from Nicky and Kate that she was finding it difficult to juggle daughter and job. In the end, after several weeks of arguments, he had gone behind Mich's back and got a part-time help to look after Amber.
Mich had flipped, but said nothing when Horatio had firmly told her that the help was here to stay. He had refused to budge on the matter and she had given in. From that day, whenever they had discussed Amber's welfare, or her future, Mich had never argued with him. In fact, these days, Amber was the only thing they didn't argue about…
That was part of the reason why he had gone to check his condo out a few days before… The summer tenants had left and the place was clean, it wouldn't take him long to move his stuff back in. The night before he had been home late and Mich had been angry about it… again.
He had pointed out that it was his job and the discussion had gone steeply down hill from there. H had slept in the guest room that night and woken up early, Mich had stared when she came back from the barn, seeing him putting his things in his car.
"What are you doing…?"
"Moving back into my own place. You need space Mich and I cannot be your whipping boy any more. I'll pass by when I can to see Amber, but I am not going to live like this…"
Mich's face turned pale, "Horatio, please… Can we talk about this?"
H looked her in the eye, "I've tried… You've never been interested. Run your life Mich. Do what you have to do, but I can no longer be part of that."
Getting into his car he had noticed the tears running down her face and realized how hurt she must be – Mich never cried… For a moment, he wanted to go out and hold her tightly, she still held that power over him, he still loved her, but he couldn't go on like this.
As he turned onto the main road, he saw her in his rear view mirror, crumpling into a ball. Gritting his teeth, he kept on going.
&&&
Kate was worried. She had never seen Mich like this. It was so much worse than when she and H had broken up before Amber was born – but then Mich had broken things off, trying to protect him from what was going to happen when her true work as an MI5 assassin was revealed. This time Horatio was the one that had walked away – and Mich would not talk about it.
She had continued her teaching and training, but Kate could see the strain she was under; the smiles and laughter around the stable were slowly disappearing. Mich was disciplined around the barn, but liked to have fun just as much as everyone else… However, everyone was picking up on her sombre mood and staying quiet.
The only thing that could bring a smile to her face was the girls, Kyra and Amber. Kyra, knowing her mum's moods was careful, but it actually helped Mich – making her more attentive to her eldest. Amber, still innocent, did not notice and could bring a hug and a chuckle from Mich at any time.
Kate had to acknowledge one thing though… Without Horatio around, Mich was falling apart. She had never realized how much Mich leant on H, though knew all about the arguments, she had heard them often enough. Knowing that her friend and boss needed help, Kate began thinking about what she could do, how she could help, but always came up with the same answer… Horatio…
&&&
Mich walked back to the barn to do her last check of the day. Reaching Zephyr, she gave the big grey horse a pat on the neck and sighed. Of all the horses in the barn – and people – he was the one who seemed most tuned in to her emotions.
Dropping his head, the grey placed it against her chest, blowing softly. Mich clung to the horse, tears running down her face. Zephyr was the only horse Horatio had the courage to hold on to, talk to, though Mich had never pushed him to do so with others. As her tears dried, she began to breathe more deeply and came to a decision…
"You're absolutely right Zeph… I have to speak to him, I need him. He's the only one who can help me…"
Going back inside, she went upstairs to their room. Finding it empty again. After changing, she slid into bed and pulled the pillow that Horatio had used tight to her chest, the tears came quickly as she cried herself to sleep.
&&&
H glanced at his cell as it began to move across his desk. He had switched it to silent mode when in the lab – partly so he could concentrate – partly because he didn't want anyone to know how many calls he was getting. It had been five days since he had walked away from the barn, and he hadn't slept a wink.
The cell kept ringing. He knew from the number it was Mich, but refused to answer, he couldn't talk to her. Had to make a clean break. He wanted to see the girls, but knew he had to tough it out for now, Mich had to understand.
He sighed when the call ended, Mich would not try again for a few hours. That she wanted to speak to him was obvious, but he realized she respected his work. She would call in the morning, possibly hoping to catch him before he started at the lab, then mid-morning, late afternoon and late evening.
The realization hit him hard. She was not being obsessive, but careful. She knew when his busiest times would be and didn't want to cause problems for his career. He cast his mind back, trying to identify where things had gone wrong…
Throwing his pen down he grumbled to himself and went to get a coffee, he just couldn't get her out of his mind and until he did…
&&&
Eric sighed, Kate was on her regular day off and they had managed to meet for lunch – which would normally be cut short, but today at least they could see each other. Kate had just told him about Mich's state of mind the previous day and he was concerned.
"I thought she'd be giving you hell by now, knowing what her temper is like…"
Kate shook her head, "That's just it Eric… Everyone sees her temper – but it's her emotional state that's the problem. When her temper blows it's usually for a good reason – and afterwards she's fine. I've got to know her so well now…"
Eric gave Kate a disbelieving look, but realized that his wife was telling the truth. "So why do you think she and H were arguing so much?"
Kate sighed, "I don't know, she won't talk about it – she's a very private person Eric – I don't think she can talk to anyone and she certainly wouldn't talk about H behind his back, she hates any kind of gossip in the stable."
Eric gave his wife a soft smile, "So… Use my trade. Turn CSI… You'll work it out."
**
Kate gave him an exasperated look, but he had set her mind turning over. She out of everyone knew Mich the best – including Nicky who had in the past been able to talk to Mich about anything, but was now also being shut out.
Giving Eric a beaming smile, she stood up to leave, "You know… One of the first things you do is speak to witnesses right?" Eric nodded, "So then I need to get Mich to talk…"
Eric stood next to her, trying to control his mirth – with little success, "Good luck. Mind she doesn't bite…"
Kate sighed, but then gave him a strange look, "Maybe that's it…"
Eric became curious, "What do you mean?"
Leading the way back to her car, Kate looked at him thoughtfully, "Everyone thinks Mich has this really bad temper – I know she doesn't. Ok, so she threatens a lot, but very rarely follows through because she doesn't need to, the threat is enough."
"Eric if Mich were really that bad, do you think that I would still be working for her? That Nicky would still be at the barn? She's a great boss and fantastic to work for, but I know how stressed out she gets by many of the clients, but she never, never takes it out on us."
Eric wasn't sure where this was going but pressed Kate to continue.
"She knows that Nicky and I work hard – she says so… She thanks us everyday for our help. We know that she appreciates what we do – it's why we're such a good team. But she also knows us very well. After Thomas was killed, Nicky went to pieces for a while and she became so protective of him. He's like a kid brother for her now… She won't hurt him in any way."
"She's always said you're like a sister to her…" Eric was also thinking, "The one thing Mich wants more than anything is family around her, so she's not going to hurt those people by getting on their case, she doesn't want to lose them."
Kate nodded, "because if she did, we wouldn't take it. Not because we're employees Eric, because it would hurt her to hurt us. She knows that when she's in a really bad mood we can't handle it, because of the way we react. She's so strong, we can't match her…"
"Oh I can stand my ground – and I have done, but I know in a real match up – I'd back down. Every time."
Eric shook his head, "I don't get it, she needs family so much. So why does she give H so much hell, why does she take her stress out on him? He IS her family, more than the rest of us…"
Kate sighed, "Because Eric, he's the only one that can stand up to her and win. She knows that."
Eric became frustrated, "Ok, that I can understand, but why? It's not necessary, surely she knows that – especially with H."
Kate dropped her head, "Maybe she needs the fight, needs someone strong, someone who can hold their own against her."
"But why does she need to fight all the time?" Eric paused for a moment, "Maybe that's why H left… Maybe he decided he'd had enough of fighting."
"I don't know, something in her past maybe… I really don't know."
Eric pulled Kate close realizing how upset she was becoming for her friend, she and Mich had developed a close bond over the past year, even more so after Jackie had left for Europe to do some specialist training. Kate's older sister would then head for Africa, helping the medicines sans frontiers group with their work, Mich was filling in the void that Kate felt after Jackie had left.
As he held her close, he felt helpless, the whole team knew how H was feeling. In the past their boss had been able to lock his feelings away, show an emotionless mask to those around him. He and Calleigh knew different now, they had been with him so long, they could see the signs. The way his shoulders tightened up when he was angry, the way the eyes would narrow and change colour…
Natalia and Ryan could just sense something was not right, but all of them were being careful when H was around… Careful not to discuss anything with him apart from case files, keeping the jokes to a minimum while they were taking a break. The lab was quiet at the best of times, but now…
"Kate, you know H isn't going to move on this…"
Kate straightened up and nodded, "I know, Mich has to make the first move if she wants him back… I think she knows that…"
"But she also needs to know that she better start talking…"
Kate sighed, "and I guess I'm the one who needs to speak to her…"
Eric gave her a smile and a kiss on the cheek, "That's my girl…" He was about to add more when his cell went off and he sighed.
Kate chuckled, "Duty calls… Go… I'll see you later."
Eric ran to the Hummer, asking for details, but did not forget to blow a kiss to his wife as he left, hoping that she would be ok. Kate slowly got in her car, trying to decide whether to go home or not. Putting the keys in the ignition, she made her choice, taking a deep breath, she headed for the barn.
&&&**
Horatio pulled up in the Hummer and stepped out cautiously. The whole area was quiet – too quiet. He had received the call that someone had spotted something suspicious about this warehouse located in a little used area of the docks of Miami's container port. However, the anonymous tip now seemed to be a set-up of some kind as no witness came forward.
As he was thinking, Eric pulled up in the other Hummer and the two of them began to approach the warehouse carefully. "I don't like it H… First we get a hot tip that people have been spotted acting suspiciously – then when we show up, the place is quieter than Alexx's morgue."
"Do we have back-up on the way?"
Eric nodded, "Frank and a couple of cars – but they're probably held up in traffic. There's been an accident near the PD."
Horatio swore quietly under his breath which surprised the younger man slightly. When H wasn't happy, you could see it in his face, but he rarely vocalized when anyone was around. He was about to say something when H drew his glock and started to move toward the building. "Let's have a little look around Eric, see if we can spring anything."
Eric became concerned; it was not like H to move without back up in a situation where he wasn't sure what was going on. As he moved to H's side, a line of bullets kicked up the dirt around them, sending the two CSI's diving for cover behind H's Hummer.
"Well H – it seems that we sprung something…"
His boss nodded grimly, the minute they had taken cover, the shooting had stopped, but he was under no illusions as to what would happen if they moved away from the Hummer. For a moment he remained silent before deciding on a course of action. "Eric – you work your way around the Hummers – move toward the warehouse from the other side, and I'll draw their fire."
Eric pulled a face, not happy with the situation at all. "Shouldn't we wait for back-up? It would help a lot more…"
H shook his head, "If we wait – we might not catch our adversary over there. Lets get moving."
Waiting until Eric had moved to his position, H cautiously peeked around the front of the Hummer – unable to see anything. Then receiving a nod from the younger man, he carefully began to move slowly forwards, aiming for the right hand side of the warehouse, while Eric did the same toward the left.
Nothing happened.
Eric began to feel wary, something wasn't right… All his senses were screaming at him – telling him that he should return to the safety of the Hummer, but H was moving out into the open. The next moment, the first of two patrol cars slid to a halt just behind him – the other heading in H's direction to provide the Lieutenant with some form of cover.
The move came too late.
More bullets sped across the open space catching H with nowhere to hide. Eric returned fire trying to make his way across to his boss, but only succeeded in drawing attention to himself. He could hear H cursing loudly and felt slightly relieved, but until H was under cover, he would not relax.
The shooting from the warehouse stopped as abruptly as it had started and Frank took over – ordering the patrol officers to spread out and be careful, before moving to H's side. Eric was already on his cell calling for fire and rescue.
Joining Frank Eric became worried; from what he could see H had been hit several times, though fortunately his boss was still conscious which was hopefully a good sign.
Frank however, was not impressed, "Now what in hell possessed you two to try and go in by yourselves? You got a death wish or something?"
Eric said nothing but glanced at H, making Frank realize that something had not quite been right about the situation. Horatio also remained quiet, obviously in pain, but trying not to show anything as Eric worked quickly to stem the blood that was flowing from a knee wound, as Frank did the same to an arm.
When the paramedic arrived, Eric was relieved to be told that H's wounds were relatively superficial, though one bullet had probably shattered the kneecap and another had embedded itself in Horatio's hip. He would be taken into surgery immediately. Helping Frank to secure the area, Eric was furious to find out that the shooter had escaped and called Calleigh for help to process the scene.
It did not help his temper when they discovered a cache of crack cocaine at the warehouse, the amount large enough to warrant attention – but not enough to be a significant bust. Horatio had been shot almost for nothing.
&&&**
Horatio tried to relax back in the ambulance, the morphine was helping to reduce the pain from the gunshot wounds, but his brain was anything but numb. Of all the crazy, stupid… He sighed a little trying to get more comfortable, but only succeeded in causing another wave of pain to pass through his body.
Why had he insisted on going in? Eric had been right, they should have waited, but he had over-ruled the younger man. Guilt passed through him for a moment – Eric could have been hurt too – yet he had decided to go in anyway. He shook his head, for the last few days he had not been able to think clearly, his mind not on his job.
As the paramedic placed the mask over his face to prepare him for the anaesthetic that he would need for surgery, an image formed in his mind. An image that he had not been able to rid himself of for several days… an image of Mich dropping to the floor, fear showing on her face. It was an image that had haunted him day and night; he had accepted that there might be tears – anger, even pain, but not fear.
Why would Mich be so terrified of him leaving? It was a question he couldn't answer. As his mind again began trying to work out the conundrum, the ambulance arrived at the hospital where he was taken straight into surgery, the anaesthetic taking him blissfully into unconsciousness.
&&&
Kate turned off the engine of her car and took a deep breath; she could see Mich working with Knight in the arena and even from this distance could see that her boss was not happy. As she stepped out and walked closer, she could see that Mich hadn't noticed her arrival, completely distracted by her thoughts.
As she walked closer, Kate was shocked to see the tears that were sliding down Mich's face, covering the last few metres to the gate into the arena quickly, she stepped inside the sand floored school. Walking over to where Mich was trying to get Knight to perform a rein back with little success, Kate spoke quietly.
"Mich, what's wrong?"
Mich jumped, surprised that Kate had managed to moved so quietly, "Oh, nothing you need to worry about… Just something I have to do."
Kate frowned and caught hold of Knight's rein to stop Mich from continuing her training. "Mich please, I know something's wrong. Maybe I can help."
Mich dropped her head her voice barely above a whisper, "I can't… Please Kate, don't push me on this, it's something I have to fix. There's only one person I can talk to…"
Kate swallowed and stood her ground before speaking softly, "No Mich. This is what friends are for – to help each other, I know you've always worked alone and how difficult it is for you to accept help, but…"
A shout from Nicky cut her short telling Mich she was wanted on the phone. Kate sighed and joined him in the stable holding Knight just outside the office door. The next moment she threw the reins to Nicky as Mich sank to the floor, head in her hands, tears flowing down her cheeks though no noise came.
Wrapping her arms around Mich to give comfort, Kate asked what had happened as Mich dropped the phone on the floor.
Mich clung to her best friend for a moment, saying nothing. Then with a shudder she spoke quietly, "Horatio… He's been shot. They wouldn't give me the details except to say he's in surgery."
Kate and Nicky traded looks and acted immediately, Nicky returning Knight to his box, Kate taking Mich inside the house. "Get changed Mich, I'll drive you in."
Mich nodded and started to move to the stairs before pausing, "What about the girls?"
Kate gave her a gentle nudge, "They can stay with me and Eric, now go, I'll get you to the hospital before Horatio comes round."
&&
Horatio stirred. His mouth felt terrible, as if something had crawled inside and died there. Trying to stretch a little he noticed that one arm had been immobilized and saw that a small I.V. had been set up, probably painkillers he thought to himself.
He tried to move slightly again, but found his legs would not respond. For a moment he panicked, did a bullet hit my spine? The panic abated when he realized that the lack of movement was not caused by anything physiological, but rather a weight resting on the lower half of his body.
He blinked his eyes open further, his shoulders dropping when he saw the long dark blonde hair spilling over his waist, one arm across his thigh, the other hand underneath her face, resting gently on the side of his uninjured hip.
He swore quietly to himself, Mich was the last person he wanted to see right now, but another part of him was relieved that she was there. He glanced up as the door to his room opened quietly and a nurse stepped in, giving a soft smile when she saw he was awake.
"Welcome back Lieutenant, you gave us a little scare you know. Miss Bailey insisted on staying with you even though we told her that it would be a while before you would wake up." She passed him a small cup of water which barely held a mouthful of liquid, but at least it took the dryness away.
"How long?"
The nurse sighed, "Surgery took four hours to get the bullet fragments out of your hip and knee, fortunately the arm was a through and through. Then another two hours to try and fix your knee and tidy up a couple of grazes. The doc will give you the details in the morning; I suggest you get some more sleep."
Refusing to pass on any more information she turned and walked out of the door. Glancing down at the sleeping form resting against him, Horatio's face softened slightly. He could see how pale Mich was and how gaunt she seemed, spotted the tracks on her face that the tears had made.
Allowing his head to drop back onto the pillow he sighed, he was relieved that she was here and could feel the strength of the bond that had built up between them. He cursed slightly, angry with himself when he realized he could not walk away from their relationship, he needed her in his life too much for that. Pulling a face he decided in that moment that things would have to change if Mich wanted him to return to the barn.
&&**
Mich slowly lifted her head, slightly disoriented for a moment until she remembered where she was. From the items around her and the position in which Horatio was lying, she guessed he had woken at least once during the night.
Tears came to her eyes as she noticed how pale he still looked, before she fought to regain control of herself. The last thing Horatio would need was her crying and begging him to return home, she needed to remain calm, to tell him why she needed him there, needed him to keep away the nightmares.
Quietly she stood up and walked to the window, staring out across the streets below. While Horatio had still been under the anaesthetic, Kate had brought the girls to say a quick hi, before taking them to the condo that she and Eric owned. Amber had been quiet, only understanding that her father had been hurt but would be ok soon.
Kyra however, had cried for almost ten minutes before Mich had been able to calm her down, making her mother promise that she would make sure Horatio came home. Mich had known that her eldest had become attached to him, but until that point had not realized how deeply the twelve year olds feelings ran. It made her more determined to try and work things out, the only problem was – would Horatio accept?
A slight sound made her turn and she swallowed as she saw that Horatio was awake and watching her, his face impassive. Slowly she walked back to the bed trying to work out how she could open the conversation. She shied away from the obvious 'How are you feeling', knowing that he would see the falseness behind the statement, knowing that there was something else on her mind.
Horatio stole the moment for her. "Why are you here Mich?"
Anger flared, before she bit back a snide comment and answered carefully, "I needed to be sure you were ok."
Horatio's eyes narrowed, he had seen the anger flare in her eyes for a brief moment, knew that she had thought about her answer, chosen to answer him with calmness instead of anger. Something was going on. He challenged her again to confirm his thoughts.
"Well as you can see, I'm going to recover – I don't know how long it will take, but I'll be back at work soon. It was good of you to drop by, but I think you need to get back to your business."
Mich bit her lip, Horatio's coldness wounded her deeply, but in a way she wasn't surprised by it – he had after all walked away from the barn. "The Barn can look after itself for a couple of days, Nicky and Kate are fully capable. The doc said you might need some help after you leave hospital and…"
Horatio cut her off, "That won't be necessary Mich, I'll be at home – I'm sure the team will drop by to see if I need anything."
His answer made Mich turn white, fear showing clearly across her face, before she turned to hide her face from him. Her words, spoken so quietly he barely heard them, sent a chill down his spine when he heard the desperation in her voice.
"Please Horatio, come back to the barn. You're the only person in Miami that can stop me doing something crazy… The only person who can help me."
Horatio was about to decline, when he saw the look on her face reflected in the window. She wasn't begging him, nor threatening him with any kind of insane behaviour in any way. However, the terror on her face when she realized he might refuse was enough to make him recognize that there was more to her request than a simple return to their relationship.
He sighed, "Mich, I cannot come back if things stay as they were, I can't take it anymore."
Finally a tear escaped from the corner of Mich's eye, "I understand, I know I've been a bitch Horatio, but I can't help it. I've sent you to hell and back, and I really don't deserve your help, but without you around…"
Mich paused for a moment and Horatio could see her fighting to keep her emotions under control. This was not a woman who was becoming hysterically obsessed and would make his life a misery if he didn't return to the barn. He knew then that Mich's fear was very strong, very deep and very, very real, but before he made a decision, he needed to know what was going on.
"I'm listening."
&&
Mich took a deep breath, she had always told Horatio that she would never be able to tell him things about her past and he understood and respected that. He realized that much of it would be classified, relating to operations that she had been on, the rest would have been as a result of Mich's training – in case she had been caught, she would say nothing.
Horatio remained silent, sensing the battle that was going on inside her. Her conditioning would forbid her from talking about any aspect of her work as an MI5 agent, but her need for survival and – he hoped – the trust she had in him was trying to break that.
"I wasn't always an MI5 assassin. My initial brief was in intelligence – working undercover, collecting information. After a few 'soft' targets – including the case that later involved Robert, myself and another agent that I had trained with were sent overseas to somewhere a little more dangerous – Iraq."
"It was just as the first war broke out, our cover was that of clerks working for one of the relief agencies. Saddam was very careful at the time where the agencies were concerned, because he had infiltrated a couple of them to trade in arms from abroad. At first we managed to do our job quite easily, but then..."
Horatio looked carefully at Mich – her face had lost all trace of fear but what he saw worried him. As her memories returned, her eyes became cold and hard as flint, her face – normally alive and animated – became lifeless. Reaching out, he touched Mich's hand, waiting for her to continue her story.
"My friend and I were caught up in the middle of everything and became part of his infamous 'human shield', we stayed quiet, watching as other people around us argued and fought with Saddam's people to be let free. MI5 and the CIA were working together to try and get us out."
"The chaos that followed was incredible, but the last straw was when Saddam threatened to kill the kids while we were in the holding room. He held a gun to a boy's head himself, Sasha and I couldn't help ourselves, we managed to get the boy away, but as a result someone realized we were more than what we were pretending. The civilians were released immediately, the following day Sasha and I were thrown into a prison."
"At first the guards left us alone, unsure what to do, but then they must have received orders. Initially it was basic questioning that the two of us were able to endure, but then it started to get physical. I've always had a high pain threshold because of the falls I've had through riding, but after a while Sasha broke. She was careful to only give them small amounts of information – things that they already knew."
"Initially we were questioned separately, but when they realized that I wasn't affected by pain, they started putting us together. A guard spotted that I flinched slightly when they gave Sasha an electric shock." Mich paused for a moment, tears coming into her eyes and sliding slowly down her face. "They realized that they could do what ever they liked to me and I wouldn't give in. Sasha was my weakness – I hate seeing anyone being treated badly."
Horatio remained silent remembering how angry Mich had become when anyone was nasty to her staff or the horses. He wasn't surprised that she had reacted to the treatment her friend had received. Mich remained silent for a short time, allowing Horatio to think – watching her closely, he saw the muscle in her cheek twitching – a sure sign that she was fighting her emotions.
He had never seen her like this and realized how hard it was for her to talk. Though he didn't quite know where the story was going, he recognized that to talk about something that she had bottled up inside her for over fifteen years was extremely difficult for Mich and that she would have to re-live some of her past to show her trust in him. A past she didn't want to remember.
&&
Horatio waited, Mich had been quiet for nearly ten minutes, saying nothing sitting as if turned to stone. Her hand in his was cold, as cold as ice and he became worried, afraid that she would pull away and not continue her story.
He had to get it out of her, he had acknowledged to himself how he felt about the ex-MI5 agent and it wasn't something he could let go of easily. That fact that Mich was here and had started talking was an indication of how she felt in return, but…
"Mich, if you don't want to tell me what happened, it's ok. I understand that you've been conditioned into not talking about what you've done." He was about to continue when she pulled away and walked to the window.
"But it's not ok Horatio, all through my career I've only had one person I can rely on besides myself – and now I can't talk to him in case his cover is blown. You stepped into that void without realizing it. He understood me, accepted the tantrums and nasty comments, because he was part of the organization himself, knew what was going on."
"You have never been able to know what I did – yet I treated you the same way and the longer you stayed, the more I thought I would be able to find a way out on my own. I was wrong, you have the patience of a saint – how else would you be able to put up with what I put you through? I need your help and the only way to convince you to come back and help me is to tell you what happened… It's just so damn hard."
Horatio could hear the sob in her voice as she finished talking and knew Mich was trying to be honest with him. He cursed all government agencies that sent their people overseas to do jobs that they had no way of talking about to ease their conscience. Then he had an idea.
"How about I ask the questions?"
Mich turned to face him a helpless look on her face, "Horatio, I've been trained in fighting interrogation techniques – you think you can get around me? I didn't talk in Iraq – you sure as hell aren't going to get anything out of me if we go that way.'
Horatio gave a wry smile, "I wasn't going to… I was thinking more along the lines of a de-briefing…"
Hope flared in Mich's eyes for a moment as she thought about the suggestion. Horatio startled her by calling for the nurse and asking for breakfast for them both. As she gave him a look of consternation he chuckled and lifted a hand towards her, inviting her to sit down next to him.
"One thing different about a de-briefing and an interrogation… The atmosphere... Join me for breakfast and we can talk."
Mich gave a slight smile, maybe it would work – she could sense that Horatio was trying to make it easier for her – though she knew he would not agree to a return to the barn without good reason. His smile gave her hope, but his eyes told her he was not completely convinced it was the right path to follow.
Quietly she returned to his side and sat down, "Ok, let's give it a try."
**
Horatio took a moment to think and decided to keep clear of her work for a moment, something told him that Mich wanted to talk, but she was scared for some reason. "Tell me about your controller – no specifics, but why he was able to understand you. You say I stepped into his place – but I didn't do it intentionally. Are we that alike?"
Mich nodded shyly, "You both encourage me in what I do – support me as much as you can without interfering. Yet when it comes to the tough decisions, you are both strong in what you have to do. When I need consoling or I'm upset by something, you're both there. It doesn't matter if I can't talk about it – you know that something is getting me down and you are there for me."
"At times when I'm taking too many chances, or crossing the line, you are strict and disciplined enough to pull me back and you're not afraid to stand up to me when I lose control of my temper." Mich paused while the porter brought in their breakfast, and Horatio could see that she was getting upset again.
As the tears began to slide, Mich began talking again, "That's the worst part… I can feel the anger building inside of me, but I can't always control it. I manage to keep it inside while around the others at the barn, Kate, Nicki – my clients - I fight not to let it show around them. Poor Kyra occasionally gets it, especially as she's growing older, I can't help it."
"Horatio, it's not that I don't trust you, I do, but when I get really angry I don't trust myself – I'm afraid that I'm going to do something that will really hurt someone. My controller understood that – used to let me take my anger out on him, he realised I needed an outlet, I guess I saw that in you too… Took my frustration out on you not to hurt anyone else."
"It's what made you leave – isn't it."
Horatio sighed, "I couldn't understand why you were always so angry with me, and I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to switch off after a hard day and home was becoming more stressful than my job."
Mich gave a sad smile, "I never wanted to hurt you Horatio, but I know I have driven you away with my actions. I am so sorry to have treated you this way. I never needed to talk to my controller about my work, about why I got angry because he already knew… You didn't and I couldn't tell you, I want to try and fix that, but I don't know how to start without losing my temper and that's what scares me – what stops me from talking... But I really want to try."
"Mich, I've seen your temper. It's bad, but not that bad…"
Mich shook her head, "Believe me Horatio, you haven't seen anything and I hope you never will. Even my controller never saw me at my worst."
Horatio was curious, "from what you're saying, you were closer to your controller than most agents get. How come?"
Mich swallowed her tears, "You've heard the expression – you hurt the ones you love the most – I guess that's true for me."
"You loved your controller?" Horatio was puzzled, if the people at '5' knew about the relationship, they would have ended it quickly so how was Mich able to keep it going for so long?
Mich smiled softly, "Of course I did, I still do. He's my father."
&&
Horatio stared at Mich, confused. He had found out that Derek Foster was her father just before Amber was born and the fact had answered a few questions – some of the things he had said when Horatio had called him during the case two years ago. The way Foster had known how Mich would react – and ways to pin her down.
"But I thought your dad was Scotland Yard…"
"He is… The head of a joint operation against the Cartels. He gets news through the police about what is happening on the streets and MI5 information about what is going on at the top, he then co-ordinates any action that needs to be taken. It's how the UK has been more successful against the dealers over the last 20 years compared to other European countries. It's why I was brought in for the operation at the start and why he has to keep his cover – if the Cartels ever find out who he is..."
Light dawned in Horatio's mind, "You weren't just an escort… If any of the top players turned up later on, it was your job to take them out."
Mich nodded and remained silent, allowing Horatio time to absorb the news. She had never meant to keep it a secret from him, but at the same time her training and conditioning had prevented her from talking about any of her past – except in the most general way. Now she knew she had to talk, wanted to, she just wasn't sure how or where to start.
Quietly they ate breakfast, each lost in their thoughts, Horatio trying to see how he could help Mich further, she trying to work out how she could talk to him in return. Suddenly feeling cold, she reached for her sweater that was lying on the chair.
"How long did you sleep?"
Mich shrugged her shoulders indicating that she wasn't sure, "A few hours maybe."
Horatio frowned, "Grab a blanket and get some sleep Mich – we can't do this if you're tired." As she looked up he noticed the look on her face and was aware that she was about to reject his suggestion with her need to talk. "If you want me to come home Mich – do as I ask."
Mich dropped her head and acquiesced immediately, curling up on the chair she was asleep within moments. Horatio sighed, realizing that it was as Mich had admitted – she needed someone in her life to be stronger than she was – to set boundaries to help her keep control.
The thought saddened him a great deal. Mich certainly was a product of her training – just like a highly trained guard dog which would be released on command – some could never become family pets when their working life was over, they were just too dangerous.
As he looked at her his face softened, asleep, Mich was totally relaxed, almost serene and he knew how deep her feelings ran, if only he could bring that softer side to the fore… He took a deep breath – it would be one hell of a challenge, maybe he would even find the real Mich underneath.
He chuckled to himself realizing that he had given in to her wish – he would return to the barn, needed to help the woman he loved – not only for her sake, but for his too. He didn't know why, but he got the feeling that one day in the future it would be worth it. Pushing the small table to one side, he dropped his head back on the pillow and allowed sleep to claim him. The more he slept now, the faster he would be able to leave – the sooner he could help Mich – he just wouldn't tell her yet, not until he had found out why she couldn't control her temper - why she was so scared of her own emotions.
&&**
When Horatio awoke, it was to a pair of blue eyes, but much lighter blonde hair than he was expecting. "Kate? Where's Mich?"
The young woman chuckled, "So you do miss her," giving him a soft smile she continued. "Eric dragged her away to get something to eat – she hasn't been eating properly since you left the barn. She didn't want to leave you at first, until Eric threatened to tell you that she hadn't eaten. She gave in quite quickly then."
Horatio raised an eyebrow, Mich give in to Eric? That was a rare occurrence – so rare that it made him become silent for a moment. A slight noise near the door made him turn and he saw Eric, the grin on his face lighting up his features.
"Good to see you awake H, you had us worried for a moment."
Horatio smiled in return, "How's things at the lab?"
Eric chuckled, "I knew you'd ask me that – but I'm under orders not to tell you anything. Cal is going to come and fill you in at the end of the week."
"How's she doing?"
Eric winked, "Had a run- in with Stetler yesterday afternoon – but she sent him away with a fly in his ear – and a warning that if he came to the lab again, or disturbed you, she would arrange for Mich to drag him around the barn at the gallop."
Horatio started to laugh, it was well known in the PD that Stetler was terrified of Mich after a prank at a fund-raising event for a local children's charity had gone wrong. Mich had brought Storm and two other horses for the kids to ride on and the IA agent had pretended to start them in a race using a horn.
One horse, fortunately being held by Kate, had panicked and the child had got a fright. Mich had exploded and grabbed Stetler and thrown him to the ground, pinning him down before saying exactly what she thought of him – all without one swear word and not raising her voice above normal conversation level. Stetler had turned white as a sheet and now avoided Mich at all costs.
A fact that Horatio had come to appreciate at other, more formal functions – where he was regarded highly by his peers – and often involved in high level discussions. Discussions that Rick Stetler had no right to be part of, but had – in the past - managed to slide into. A glare from Mich would send him sliding away into a corner, where he would spend the rest of the evening.
Another soft chuckle made him smile as he spotted Mich making her way around Eric's muscular build to his side. "You look better than this morning."
Mich gave him a shy smile, startling him slightly, "Lunch helped… Though not as much as breakfast."