a/n I: Ahem… I own nothing except Elizabeth 'Ellie' Smith… all events and the majority of information is fiction unless otherwise noted, so please don't sue me… Read On…
a/n II: Also this story is just for fun and pure amusement, not meant to be seen as a cruel insult to any wrestler(s). No slash occurs in this story since that's not the way I role or write, no offense to those that enjoy a slash fic.
Man, I Feel Like a Woman
Prologue
(3rd Person POV)
(XXXX)
"Pipe bomb," shouted CM Punk to the crowd of thousands in the arena leaving a steaming John Cena and Big Show in his wake as he left the ring with the classic smirk laying across his face as Raw's cameras cut off shooting for the evening as the monitors and the screens in the back went black.
The backstage area was a hustle and bustle as many wrestlers and crew started to pack everything up to head to the next city they would present the show in. Many of the wrestlers had already left for the evening, leaving only the major stars to finish out the show, just like how the crowd liked it. Most of the crew had left as well except a few of the jobbers, who were helping to clean up the area, but there was one person who seemed very out of place in the mass chaos in the gorilla area.
Elizabeth Smith, more commonly known as Ellie by everyone in the WWE, sat on a pile of crates waiting for her boss to make his way back to the gorilla. Ellie wasn't a jobber and certainly wasn't a diva either, nope those weren't either of her jobs. Her job was much more special and highly regarded by the higher powers that happened to be the McMahon family. Other wrestlers gave her respect for what she put up with as her job. Ellie was one of the most respected women in the back, while most respected by almost everyone that is, except her boss.
Ellie had come to the WWE after graduating from Iowa State University with a Bachelor's Degree in communications. The job market had been tough since the recent recession and not everyone could find something fitting their college degree expertise. The young redheaded woman had been resilient at first, but over time she wore down with the inability to find a job and make ends meet. The bills had started to pile up and things seemed to be getting bleaker as jobs couldn't be found.
Until her father told her he could pull a few strings for her and see if she could get a job with the WWE. Ellie's father was one of the greatest men Vincent Kennedy McMahon had ever known. Mr. Smith had been the head of the backstage WWE crew for years setting up and taking down shows so when he called, Vince immediately dug through paperwork to see if he could find an opening for one of his favorite employee's daughter.
Vince didn't find much, but what he did find was his current WWE Champion had been slacking off from his duties and not making time for commitments like he was supposed to. The chairman had known from experience it was best to give a wrestler a personal assistant so they knew what they were doing and what was up with the company. Vince tried to warn the redhead about the job she was going to take from him, but she would have none of it. So she was hired and had a job in the WWE.
Ellie loved her job every second of it, while until she met her new boss.
C.M. Punk, the WWE Champion, had already run off three P.A.s in the last two months and he was now Ellie's boss. Ellie wasn't going to be like those other P.A.s, oh no, she needed this job and she wasn't going to let some high and holy wrestler take advantage of her.
That was six months ago, fast forward to present day with two weeks from SummerSlam, the biggest party of the summer and Punk being WWE Champion for over a year, his head had gotten so big it was the size of a hot air balloon. Plus he still didn't see the need for Ellie, she was just dead weight holding him down, but Vince insisted on having her.
Punk had tried to get the fiery redhead to leave numerous times. Being over obsessive about what comic books she picked up for him, throwing coffee at her face if it wasn't mixed right, telling her she looked absolutely horrid on a day she looked perfectly stunning. Punk had even gone so far as to have her clean up his one night stands. Now mind you, Punk was straightedge so no unprotoitious sex, but that didn't mean the champion couldn't enjoy having a few lady friends over now and again.
Punk had made Ellie's life a living hell, so what? She still got through it. At the end of every week she still got a promising paycheck that paid the rent and kept a roof over her head. It still didn't mean she wasn't looking for other work, the sooner she could get the hell out of dodge, the happier she would be. No more pranks, no more cleaning up one night stands, no more of it!
There was one thing really ground Ellie's gears together: Punk's utter disrespect for women. The WWE Champion wasn't the lady's man everyone thought he was. He mocked the women of the WWE in great distaste behind their backs. He pushed them around with no care for their feelings and insulting them if he felt like it. Ellie had gotten over this months ago, but to have someone in such a prestigious company be insulting and bulling grown women, now that pissed her off to no end. She could take care of herself, but to have others deal with it was something else.
"Hi Ellie," a small voice squeaked beside the redheaded assistant as she broke from her thoughts of what an asshole CM Punk was and how he shouldn't be WWE Champion. Ellie turned to see that her good friend and General Manager of the Raw brand, AJ Lee, had joined her upon sitting on the crates, "What you up to?"
"Just pondering the meaning of life," Ellie said with a smile while turning to the petite diva turned GM, "Shouldn't you be making matches, Miss GM?"
AJ playful shoved Ellie and rolled her eyes, "I can't spend all my time in an office dealing with everyone else's drama. I wanted to come and see you, Punk have you running around for him like a dog again?"
Ellie snorted, "How'd you know?"
At that importune moment, the WWE Champion burst onto the scene of the two females sitting on the crates talking as he sent a glare towards Ellie in annoyance.
"ELIZABETH!" shouted Punk as Ellie jumped off the crate waving good-bye to her friend.
"I'll see you later, meet in the hotel bar at 11:30?" questioned Ellie hopefully as AJ smiled and nodded her head yes in response.
"ELIZABETH!" roared Punk as AJ shooed Ellie off.
"Go on, before he hurts some innocent soul with his rage, he's like a Bridezilla only in male form," chuckled AJ as Ellie grinned waving good-bye to her friend and rushing off after her boss.
Ellie rushed through corridors and followed Punk to his locker room where they would go over the next day's schedule, errands needing to be run, and any appointments to be made. Punk would shower and then give Ellie what she had deemed 'The Glare of Death' to make her recite the schedule. Punk would then proceed to complain about his commitments for about five minutes and finally she would be allowed to leave for the evening telling Punk if he needed anything to call her, which he wouldn't. When morning came around there would probably be a woman she would need to console thanks to Punk's stupidity of leaving a girl alone in a hotel room.
The personal assistant leafed through her bag while she waited for Punk to emerge from the shower. She smiled as she found her daily planner she liked to call the 'Bible of Punk.' Sure, it was kind of a nudge at Punk's whole crazy straightedge kick from back in the day of the Straight Edge Society which some of other wrestlers had been happy to tell her about, but hey it wasn't often one could get an upper hand on the WWE Champion.
Just as Ellie opened the page did Punk emerge from the shower and issued 'The Glare of Death' right on point to signal Ellie should recite what she needed to and leave. Ellie immediately obliged.
"At 8 a.m. you have an interview with channel 4 in Phoenix promoting SummerSlam, at 10 a.m. you have a shoot and interview with WWE Magazine talking about your reign as champion, and after that you're free until the show." Ellie stated simply as Punk chewed on his lip ring getting ready to rant about how he shouldn't have to do all this.
"Why can't they send someone like Cena to do these stupid local interviews? Why do I always have to do them, or even one of the jobbers! There is an idea!" Yep, rant of how stupid the company is, right on time. "I mean, come on, Zack Ryder could do this! Or better yet, maybe a monkey!"
Ellie counted in her head, one minute, two minutes, three minutes, four minutes, five minutes…
"I'm sure the monkey is smarter than some of the women around here, a monkey could probably do your job and do it better than you too. I'd like a monkey as a personal assistant, I could feed it bananas and teach it tricks."
"While look at the time," Ellie said through gritted teeth trying not to kill her boss, "I got to go, but if you need anything call me, otherwise I'll see you in the morning."
With that, Ellie slipped out the door, put away the 'Bible of Punk' and grabbed her car keys. Sometimes she wondered how she hadn't committed murder in the last six months by having to deal with the WWE Champion and his derogatory remarks to the female part of the population.
"Deep breath, Ellie, don't let him get to you, you've done this for six months and haven't committed any illegal crimes, and you're not going to start now." Ellie muttered to herself as she unlocked car and climbed in. As soon as she got herself situated she started the car and drove off into the night.
The sooner she got away from C.M. Punk, the happier she would be.
(XXXX)
"So how was your night?" questioned Ellie as she slide up beside AJ on a barstool in the hotel bar later in the evening. "Please tell me it went better than mine."
AJ laughed at her friend and sipped the martini she had before speaking, "Huh, yea right, I think some of those wrestlers are going to drive me to be an alcoholic if they aren't careful. Some of their demands are completely stupid."
"I saw some of the show, it was… interesting to say the least," Ellie said choosing her words carefully.
"Yea, you're telling me," AJ muttered, "You'd think by now men would have a more civilized way of solving their problems than beating the living snot of each other in a wrestling ring, but I don't think our society has evolved beyond that yet. Enough about me how was your night?"
Ellie rolled her eyes at her friend as she groaned.
"I just got told a monkey could do a better job than me by Punk, doesn't that just scream confidence builder right there?" the redhead sarcastically stated as AJ patted her arm reassuringly.
"It could've been worse," AJ suggested with an innocent shrug of her shoulders. Ellie turned to look at her with an unoptimistic expression on her face, "It gets worse doesn't it?"
"He said the women in the WWE could be replaced with monkeys! Who says those sorts of things, April? Not normal people! I hate how every girl is convinced he is this chivalrous guy! In real life, he wouldn't know how to treat a girl if Betty White slapped him upside the head numerous times!" Ellie exclaimed in frustration.
"It's okay, El, things will get better," AJ said as she rubbed circles on Ellie's back to cause her to loosen the tension in the knots. Punk was giving her stress, "And if worse comes to worse I can fire him!"
Ellie laughed as she smiled at her friend happy she was there to support her.
"Thanks girl," Ellie said as she sipped on her virgin margarita. Even though Punk claimed to have made her straightedge, he hadn't. Ellie just didn't like the whole alcohol and losing control thing so she was usually the responsible one and kept her body pure, "I just wish Punk would learn what it feels like to be a girl, ya' know? Maybe if that happened he'd finally get it's not so much fun to pick on the girls or even your personal assistant."
AJ smiled weakly at Ellie, who huffed in annoyance and shook her head.
"Listen to me, I'm talking nonsense I think I should go head up to my room and get to bed, I have another long day of listening to Punk tomorrow." Ellie said getting up from her spot and smiling at AJ, "Thanks for the late night drink, April. I miss hanging out with you backstage."
"I miss you too El, but I'm always here if you need me," AJ stated simply as Ellie nodded throwing a twenty on the bar and walking out only turning back to give AJ a small wave good bye.
"And it's not nonsense Ellie, Punk needs to be taught a lesson. And I know just how to do it too."
(XXXX)
It had been years since April had practiced the art of voodoo. Her grandmother Beatrice had taught her it when she was a young teenager going through life and having trouble with school, boys, and regular teenage drama. Beatrice had taught AJ everything she knew. When she passed she had given AJ an old spell book, sure AJ had used it for her beneficial gain like having three men fight over her, being a special guest referee in a pay per view match, and essentially getting the Raw GM job, but hey no one needed to know that.
She scoured the pages until she found what she was looking for muttering to herself as she went.
"No, not the turn a prince into a frog spell, that's been done already."
"Put a girl into a deep slumber, hmmm, I should come back to that… maybe if I do that to Eve she'll shut up for a while?"
"Ah-ha, the one to turn a man into a woman to teach them a lesson," AJ smiled triumphantly as she looked at the list of ingredients and saw she had everything she needed even a personal effect of the male. She was happy she did a story line with Punk now because she yanked an old, ratty Ring of Honor t-shirt out he had given her and threw it by the other ingredients.
With a cackle, AJ began the incantation while throwing the ingredients together carefully making sure to go in the right order. If she didn't, Punk might turn into a goat instead of a woman, either way it was still going to be screwy.
"Snails, puppy dog tails are what little boys are made of, but let the wrestler see what it's like to be sugar, spice, and everything nice… a girl for a little while!" AJ declared as the thunder boomed and lighting streaked across the sky as she finalized the spell. The GM turned around to find there wasn't a storm coming in from looking out the window.
"I wonder if it always happens with this stuff or if it's just a cool supernatural side effect?" AJ shrugged it off and smiled content with her work for the night. She headed off to bed, excited to see what tomorrow morning would bring.
(XXXX)