Ever wanted to know what the collective noun is for a group of Gondorians? So has Merry. A light-hearted mini fic in which Merry asks Gandalf some questions.

Dedicated to all those wonderful people who appreciate the character of Merry, the Most Overlooked Hobbit (TM)

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Collective Nouns

Gandalf laughed. 'A most unquenchable hobbit!' All Wizards should have a hobbit or two in their care – to teach them the meaning of the word'. – p 588, The Lord of the Rings

'A subtlety,' Gandalf said, patiently.

'Really? A subtlety of wizards? But that doesn't seem very appropriate.' Merry paused, and there was silence for a second or two. But Gandalf barely had time to feel hopeful before Merry started talking again. 'Remember when I accidentally borrowed most of your pipeweed?'

'Yes,' he growled. He couldn't believe he'd come back to Middle Earth for this.

'You weren't subtle at all,' said Merry, for whom the memory was still impressively vivid. 'You were quite vexed. Everyone could tell.'

Gandalf glared, but the glare was entirely wasted for Merry could not see him. That was a shame; it was such a good glare. Never mind, there would be plenty of opportunities to glare at Merry again.

'I think it should be a meddle of wizards,' said Merry innocently.

Gandalf harrumphed. 'I do not meddle,' he said, 'I correct situations.'

Merry decided not to push his luck, in case he found himself walking. He changed the subject hurriedly. 'What's the collective noun for bees?'

'A swarm.'

'Oh yes, I knew that one, of course. I know... what about badgers?" Gandalf was sorry to note that there was no trace of sleepiness in his voice.

"I believe the scholarly term is a curmudgeon of badgers' Gandalf invented. He wasn't very good at admitting he didn't know something.

Merry barely paused to digest this information. 'And what's the collective noun for dwarves?'

'A… a sturdiness,' Gandalf improvised. 'Or maybe it's a mine of dwarves. I did know once, but I have so many more important things on my mind.' He glared again at the back of Merry's head. "Like Saruman's strange comments. Now, when we –"

'Well, I think it's very important. What if you accidentally insulted Gimli by referring to a collection of his relatives by the wrong term?'

'He wouldn't mind,' Gandalf said. 'He has an inexplicable tolerance for you and Pippin, although I have repeatedly tried to warn him.'

'But what if it was… a really important dwarf. Like whatshisname?'

'Dain? But that's completely hypothetical,' said Gandalf. 'And as we are talking of purely hypothetical situations, what if you were quiet for half an hour?'

'Then you might fall asleep,' said Merry reasonably.

'Believe me, I would welcome the chance.'

There was silence for a minute or so. Gandalf was just getting lost in thoughts about the peril Gondor faced, when:

'What about elves?'

'What about elves?'

'What's the collective noun for a group of elves?'

'A glamour,' said Gandalf. 'Unless you're talking about Mirkwood elves, in which case it's a suspicion. Although a 'paranoia' would be more accurate,' he added, very quietly.

'Don't worry, Legolas is still getting enthusiastic about ents,' said Merry, with characteristic perceptiveness. 'He isn't listening – oh, what's the collective term for ents? A forest? No, that would be trees… I suppose there isn't really much use for the collective term, any more, now there's so few of them?' Merry sounded sad for a moment. Then, 'Oh! It must be a moot! A moot of ents.

'Er, yes. Now, speaking of ents, I'd be rather interested to-'

'What about Gondorians?' said Merry.

'I'm glad you're taking some interest in the affairs of Middle Earth,' Gandalf said snippily. But he enjoyed intellectual challenges like this too much. 'A grim of Gondorians'.

'That's not very flattering,' said Merry. 'What about a stern? '

'So many questions!'

'A citadel of Gondorians. That would be better.'

Merry always had a lot of questions, Gandalf thought, and usually he begrudgingly put up with them. Well, he tolerated them. Well, if he had to admit it – but only to himself! – he quite liked them. Gandalf had always admired Merry's bright curiousity, sharp intellect and his willingness to engage with the outside world. He supposed they were traits that should be encouraged. Still, Gandalf felt this particular line of questioning had gone on for long enough. Merry had received far too much encouragement lately.

You have a very one-track mind this evening,' he reproached Merry. 'Why the sudden interest in grammar?'

'It's fascinating,' Merry said. Then yawned. Gandalf held his breath hopefully. 'But I should still like to know…'

'What now? A chatter of hobbits? A nosiness of Tooks? An interruption of Brandybucks?'

'Very funny,' said Merry in his most dignified tone. 'As we all know, a collection of hobbits is a geneology. Wizards don't know very much about hobbits, do they? I mean, that's a fairly obvious one, isn't it? Fancy not knowing that one.'

Gandalf muttered into his beard

'What about Rohirrim?'

Gandalf didn't reply.

'Don't you know that one either?'

'Of course I know, I was just recollecting. A stable of Rohirrim, that's what it's called.'

'A stable?' Merry snickered.

Gandalf did not comment. He could not for the life of him remember why he'd persuaded Elrond to let Merry and Pippin accompany the Fellowship.

'What was I thinking?' he said out loud.

'Really Gandalf,' Merry said. 'You do ask some odd questions.'