Well, this might just be my first 'plausible' humor story. yay!
Oh Sith! Literally
Having just picked up Jolee Bindo and the information from the Kashyyyk Star Map, the crew of the Ebon Hawk were relaxing in the ship's lounge. Half an hour into their hyperspace journey to Manaan, an alarm tone sounded from the cockpit.
With a sigh Carth laid aside the datapad he had been reading and stood up from his seat in one of the acceleration couches. "I'll go and see what that is…" he mumbled to no-one in particular.
Revan looked up from the game of dejarick he was playing with Jolee and nodded, "Go ahead."
A loud Telosian curse followed by a distinct sense of frustration and anger emanating from the cockpit sent all Force-Sensitives on board the ship running to see what was going on.
"Sithspit!" cursed Carth, frantically typing away at the navicomp console as the others ran into the bridge. Bastila's rather urgent queries went ignored as the republic pilot tried to correct some fault or another. When he recognised that all his efforts to change the flight path were in vane he slumped in his seat and swore again.
"Carth, answer the bloody question! What the Sith is going on here?" bellowed Revan.
Onasi turned to face him, "The Sith is exactly what is going on here!" His audience remained silent, no doubt waiting for an explanation. He was more than willing to oblige, "The Hawk's fuel cells are nearly empty, the navicomputer has diverted us to Apsolon. Apart from it being the only developed planet that we can reach on the power we still have, the computer is locked and not even T3 could override it I think."
"If memory serves me well," Bastila pronounced thoughtfully, "Apsolon is aligned with the … Sith Empire!"
Instinctively everyone drew their weapons and pointed them into every nook and cranny close at hand, as if they expected Sith Troopers and Dark Jedi to pop out of no-where.
"Oh calm down will you! It's still forty-five minutes away!" Carth chided the group, "It's no big deal. Land on a Sith-occupied planet, get new power cells for a Jedi-affiliated ship, slaughter half the garrison and get off-planet without anyone noticing. What could be simpler?"
Everyone's jaws dropped. The first to recover was Juhani, "Ah Caaarth, are you all right? Let's get you to the med-bay. I think you might have obtained some head trauma."
Bastila looked at Revan, "I think you rubbed off on him a bit too much…." The former Sith Lord shrugged, he was glad that Carth finally developed a sense of humour. He just didn't expect it to happen so suddenly.
"Blast! This isn't fun!" moaned Carth as he tried his absolute best to avoid the enemy fire coming from Apsolon Base's anti-space batteries.
"Looks like the Sith took a turn for the worst in my absence," Revan commented dryly from his sensor ops seat. "We didn't shoot at harmless smuggler's ships back in my day."
Bastila snorted, "Harmless smugglers! Malak probably has this ship decorating every wall and vidscreen in the Empire!"
Revan gave no reply as the ship lurched to the side after a lucky shot impacted on the starboard shields. T3 chirped from his place at a terminal that one more direct hit on the front-right quarter and the shields would be down.
"Can somebody tell me what that trash can said?" Carth growled through gritted teeth, his attention almost fully diverted to avoiding enemy fire and finding a same place to land.
"He said that—" Revan was cut off by the sound of a failing shield generator and the screeches of several alarms, "…too late for that."
Carth spared one look at the diagnostic console and cursed again. Belatedly he tried to change course but it was far too late.
A rapid burst of fire from an as-yet unused battery knocked out the Ebon Hawk's starboard repulsorsfield generator and the ship began to plummet.
"There's a landing pad at point-three-two," Bastila gestured in the aforementioned direction.
As Carth fired the emergency manoeuvring jets and prepared to crash, a gasp from behind him caused him to involuntarily jerk the thruster controls.
"Oh Sith!" Chorused the two Jedi behind him, he looked on the sensor readout and repeated the sentiment.
The loud banging on the ship's boarding ramp jolted Revan into full alertness.
"Wake up!" he hissed at the others, still slumped in their crash restraints.
Bastila's eyes opened, "Wha-what?"
"We have company," he explained, already jogging down the cockpit corridor, "and I think they may be hostile."
"Gee, ya think?" snorted Carth, also conscious.
The group assembled behind the three bulkheads near the boarding ramp. HK and Revan took up positions behind the doors directly opposite the access hatch, Jolee and Canderous hid in the airlock to the starboard dormitory while Bastila and Juhani waited opposite them.
"Come in!" shouted Revan when everyone was in position, casually using the Force to lower the ramp.
When it did, three black-clad figures marched up it.
"Oh Sith!" exclaimed Revan, inadvertently informing everyone of the nature of the threat.
"Yeah, dur!" their leader replied, "Who d'ya think? Vrook?"
Giving up on the plan, Bastila opened the door in front of her and activated her lightsaber, "Which one are you again? I quite can't remember." The Sith were so shocked that they forgot to draw their own weapons.
"Darth Crony," the leader introduced himself, not quite knowing why he did so.
It must have been the will of the Force that assassin droids didn't come with a humour module for, as all present bent over double, laughing, he was the only one who could do any damage. He chose to follow his programming.
When the three Jedi and two remaining Sith managed to get their breaths back, they saw the body of Darth Crony sprawled on the deck, a smoking hole in the centre of his chest. Contrary to what you might think, instead of attacking the Jedi, or at least being disheartened by the loss of their leader, the Sith clapped Revan on his shoulder,
"I always wondered why he never told us his name… now we know!" exclaimed the shorter one. The moment was short-lived however, because Canderous chose that very moment to open the door to his and Jolee's hiding place and to step forward, blaster in hand.
For a moment he gaped at the scene in front of him, then he decided to put it off as another one of those strange Force things. Coolly, with all the detachment of a Mandalorian, he opened fire on the closed Sith. Two shots was all it took.
Suddenly Revan remembered that this was a Sith-aligned planet. He felt on his belt for his lightsaber and to his shock realised that it had fallen to the floor sometime during his laughing fit. He was about to address HK, but the assassin droid beat him to it. A Shot from a heavy blaster rifle sounded from behind him and the remaining dark Jedi crumpled to the deck beside his companions.
Two beings clad in Sith livery rushed out of the compound and leaped up onto the boarding ramp of a hovering ship. One of them tapped a control and the ramp retracted and sealed. Revan threw back his hood and ran over to the dorsal turret. Twenty minutes and ten downed sith fighters later the Ebon Hawk was clear of Apsolon's gravity well and made the jump into hyperspace.
"Sith armour really sucks!" Bastila complained as she returned to the main hold of the ship after changing back into her usual attire.
"Whatever goes on the Council Report, this little incident doesn't!" Revan's voice left no room for argument, and seeing how he was the former Sith Lord, Bastila quickly agreed. The others followed her example, for even if they didn't know what she did, they understood the threat in his eyes quite well.
The End