Odin's List
After a really, really long day of parenting a sugar-crazed pair of teen boys, Odin writes out a list of new rules for both sons.
Things I, Loki, am not allowed to do:
Team Loki does not provide free cake.
It's Thor's job to kiss Jane, not mine. It doesn't matter how pure she is.
Whenever a person is about to fall into a pond of piranhas or a bunch of spikes or whatever, you shouldn't be screaming, "BELLY FLOP! BELLY FLOP!"
Don't even think about singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" to Mother. She's not gonna chuckle with understanding; she'll take it the wrong way.
It's rude to ask Mother if her curls are natural or permed.
Laufey's corpse does not need plastic surgery. Father was very clear.
Starting an animal rights foundation will not get you many opportunities to meet and bond with other warriors.
Teaching Thor how to say "snot" in Chinese will only lead to unnecessary complications.
Suggesting to Thor that he buy alcohol for minors will get you both in trouble
Breath mints are not a good birthday present to give to a dragon.
Sif is not a Barbie girl.
Hogun and Fandral aren't either.
By the loosest definition, Thor is NOT a Barbie girl.
Pepper spray will not fend off Thor's hugs.
Turning on a metronome and putting it in a dark place will immediately set everyone into Code Yellow distress. (Code Yellow: Bomb attack)
The capital of Asgard is not Sparta.
Asking Sif if she has a Nut Museum in her house will end up with you trying to teach and explain Connecticut's history.
Making Thor lifeguard of a pool of fan girls may result in serious consequences.
Sif will dress up boys in girls' clothes.
She doesn't do that for guys older than 21. Exceptions are made if you're really cute
I am not really cute. And I never was.
I must not give Sif a fake dentist appointment warning and then be the dentist and pluck out all her teeth.
Math traps where you have to answer a math problem correctly will not be used to confuse Thor.
If I beat up Sif then dress up just like her, Father will find out, and I will be punished.
When the Council pass around the suggestions box, it's rude to put in, "Join the Frost Giants."
It is rude to dress up as a Frost Giant and scare people.
If I leave lists of what I plan to do (and get banned at), I will be taken away to the deepest dungeons in the city.
Things I, Thor, am not allowed to do
Team Thor, on the other hand, provides free beer.
Everyone wants free beer.
Hold out my hands when Loki's spells go wrong and say, "It's snowing!"
Loki does not stalk me because he loves me.
None of the Frost Giants do.
While riding a horse when you're drunk is legal in Asgard, drunk driving on Earth is illegal.
I must not give Father a pamphlet on parenting.
English cooking is not a weapon.
iPads, iPhones, or iTouchs will never be in Asgard.
Even if they were, Loki would not be addicted to Angry Birds and forget about killing you.
Just because I spent time with Loki does not mean that he will refrain from killing me.
If Loki starts tearing his hair out, it is because he is angry, not because he decided to go monk.
If I want to go bald, I should use the barber service, not Loki's free baldness treatment.
Speaking of baldness…I should not put balding cream in Mother's conditioner.
Mother's bird feeders are for birds, not me.
I must not tell Team Loki that they do not get free cake.
I must also not ask people, "Team Loki or Team Thor?"
When the Council pass around the suggestions box, it's rude to put in, "Join the Frost Giants."
It is not my job to ruin the innocence of a new warrior each year, it's Loki's job.
Don't invite your friends from alcoholic visions to your house. The Frost Giants will mug you.
President Coin is the president of the USA, not a super rare coin. She will not fit in my mint album.