Title: The Cost of Heroism
Summary: Ed reflects on his own humanity – the cost of heroism and those affected closest to him as he nears his breaking point; but gets what he needs before all hope is lost and a new start is made with his team and his family. Post Ep OS to eppy 5.11 'Fit for Duty'
Disclaimer: If I owned anything to do with FP Ed would be all mine! Hehe *alas* I own only my DVD's that fuel my imaginative muse Alice.
A/N: *sobs* okay am okay now lol *oye* I think. I don't want there to be only 2 eppies left *sobs* okay back to the script here ahhhhh I wanted to do this one a bit differently and focus on my Eddie from first person POV. I tried to get into his head which is tough at times even for me but I do hope you like this and yeah…okay you might need a few more Kleenex – sorry!
Warning: You might need a few Kleenex for this piece (there I warned officially lol)
Note: Words in italics and double quotes taken directly from episode (plain italics are his own inner thoughts)
Today I nearly lost my future. Me. Edward Tucker Lane. I nearly lost it all. Today.
"We can talk about anything here Ed. You know that. You've already paid for this week's session. You're here anyway. Just tell me about your day."
My day.
Today.
How did it all come down to this?
How did I get to this point?
How the hell did I let things get this far?
Why am I here? I know why. I wanted to end this…end this inner misery…guilt…turmoil and angst. I came here to hear her say I wasn't fit for duty…that I was to blame…that it was over. But I came here on my own. Why? You know why.
"I just came to drop off the books. I am done with the sessions. Just wanted to let you know."
"Why are you done?"
"This isn't for me."
It's not. I didn't lie. Then why am I still here? Why am I telling her all this? You know why, my brain echoes.
I do know why. I need help. I came here for a reason. I want help. I have said the words before…to a friend, a close friend; my boss. They were just words. But today…today I am actually allowing myself to realize that I need help. I am here to get help. I needed her to push and push hard. I want this to work. I want to get better. Help me.
"Tell me about today."
"Today…today was…"
A typical start. As much as I want to lie to myself and tell myself that it was happy and everything was perfect, it's not. "Okay I woke up alone in the basement where I have been sleeping for the past two months; it's just easier that way. Disconnected with my family. My son doesn't talk to me. Is that what you want to hear?"
Why am I saying all this? This is weakness. This is the truth and you need to continue…you know you need to.
As I start to confess my darkest fears about the day and what haunts me most, my mind is now opening up…showing me things I had shied away from…things I was afraid to confront…things I didn't want to face. Today I am facing them. Today I will confront them head on.
My vision is blank…staring straight ahead; heart rate rising. I know she's there and yet suddenly I am alone. Where am I? You are inside your mind, my brain utters. Why? Because today you need to be here. Today you need to take back what you are rapidly losing. What's that? Your very future existence. But why am I here? Questioning everything? I don't do that…I don't question…I was taught from a young boy to take the order…follow the order…execute the order…no questions asked. I must leave. My mind starts to swirl again, heart rate elevated – damn sniper breathing isn't helping. What's…what's happening to me?
"I can't…do this. I can't…"
"Ed stop. Just breathe. Look at me. Shortness of breath…"
"I'm not having a heart attack."
"You're having a panic attack."
Why? Why am I having this now? I have faced fears before…head on. I am trained to kill for a living. Why am I questioning today? Because you finally can't take it anymore. I blew it today. You still have a chance to take back today. How? How can I take back today? It's over. It's not over. I am at the end…I have nothing left inside…nothing to say…no words to say…Edward Tucker Lane you pick yourself back up and keep going. I can't. I can't do that. It seems simple and yet…I can't.
"That must be hard. Rushing to a scene, not knowing what you're about to face. I would find that hard, scary even."
"Well you hope for the best and plan for the worst."
"Tell me about your day…"
I am – trying. A few months back, Greg had told me that talking…just talking would help. There is no harm in talking right? I just wanted to talk. I didn't want anything else. Then why hasn't it worked? I was honest was I not? I kept to my appointments did I not? Why haven't they helped? Why isn't this all over yet? Why am I still here? You are here because you haven't given the system a chance yet. You haven't been completely honest. You haven't opened up fully. It's always been the same…that's why you are sleeping alone…not talking to your son…the way you are. One last time…please for the sake of our very existence. Tell her everything. TODAY!
No. I failed today. I don't want to talk about it. But you need to. Today nearly ended everything for me. Today was in a word – Hell! I let down my team…myself...society at large. What else is there to say? Lots! Let it out…my brain urges. Talk it through…talk it all though.
All of it?
ALL OF IT…you can't heal properly unless you let go of all that haunts you. You haven't done that yet. I have told…you have held back! Now's the time….if you don't you are out of time and you know it. My brain is right. I stand at the emotional threshold – alone. I see that now; one more step…one more…just one. One more and it's all over. It's all over. I don't want that. How do I step back? Take another turn? The right turn? How do I keep going?
"I…" my voice waffles as my vision clouds again; shifting between the day's events and things of the past.
"Ed…Ed? Can you keep going?"
Can I? Yes you can! I take a deep breath and close my eyes again for a few more seconds….my world instantly changes…taking me back to a place a few hours earlier…a place where fate and destiny collided – my very soul on the line and my future in the air as both unseen forces waged a fierce dual for my sanity. I feel myself pulling back on the trigger and then freezing. I can't do it. I see May yelling at me to spare her life. I see his face – Harold's. Then I see hers again. I freeze. I can't take the shot. I have failed. Sam is calling to me…Greg…everyone. I'm done. You are not done! And what happens tomorrow? I left the scene. I broke down in front of them. How do I face the team tomorrow?
Can I keep taking lives…saving the innocent and not be called to account one day…by my own inner judge, jury and executioner? Who holds me to account? Is that day today? Was I called to account today?
I try to take a step…I can't. I look out now and see nothing before me…family…friends…my team…gone…just white space. The future? Is it blank? Gone for good? Have I lost it by my own doing? Suddenly I hear a voice in my head…ringing in my ears and drowning out the pounding from my heart. I have been called to account. But by who? By your own doing. Can I protest? Offer my own defense? You haven't before. Maybe I need to start. Never too late to start.
I followed the order…I took the shot as directed…I never questioned…I never…that was May. Today you didn't take a life. I failed today. No. You. Didn't. She haunts my every waking minute. "I see her in my scope every day…every night. I see her…all the time."
I failed her. I failed myself. I did. Why do you think that? I know why. Yes you do. This is why. I'm not fit for duty. I failed at my job. What am I fit for? Trial? And now the evidence against me is presented. The memories that haunt me. Will I ever absolve myself of them?
No…you need to face them head on. Embrace them. Embrace the pain. Heal from it. Heal from it and move on.
Embrace the pain. I try. But as soon as I open my mind…
That's when I see them…faces…faces of those lives I have taken…Goran Tomasic…his son Petar yelling at me that I murdered his father. George Orstan…a man who merely wanted money to help his Alzheimer's stricken wife. Darren Kovacs…a former solider suffering from survivor's guilt…May Dalton…oh god how that face haunts me now….the young woman I was forced to kill…the young woman trying to protect herself and her mother from their abusive father. She haunts me the most. The reason I am here. The reason I am the way I am. Will I ever get over taking her life? You didn't kill Harold. He still died. Shouldn't have ended like that. Not like that. Another life wasted too soon. He needed help. I was no help. He made it personal…just like May. In that moment I saw May and I couldn't kill Harold. He made it personal. Damn scales! I can't kill him. Can't have his face beside May's. I am trained to kill. Today I failed. Can I go now?
No. But fate isn't to be kind; it's not done presenting the evidence yet. I sit and listen to the silent testimony.
Then I see those who died on my watch that I wanted so desperately to help but couldn't…Jackson Barcliffe, the young man who was trying to do the right thing and ended up paying with his life in a drug bust gone wrong, dying before his very eyes…innocent party goers at the hand of a vengeful patron…a friendly neighbour in the wrong place at the wrong time…others…too late to help the ones taken. All on my watch. They all haunt me.
The second set of witnesses is called. I am waiting for my turn to speak.
Then I see those lives affected in the line of duty by forces beyond their control…Wordy…my best, closest and most trusted friend of over twenty years, taken from my side by an unseen and merciless enemy; his absence still pains me each day I enter the SRU. And then of course my mentor Danny Rangford…who had shown me what the high price of heroism really entails by nearing ending his life in a hail of bullets and booze. I talked him down only to take his place.
The last set is called. I am doomed.
Then I see strained family relations and personal trials. My brother Roy…things have never been normal between us…always some animosity. I am the elder sibling…was that my fault to not make amends first? My wife…she has put up with so much but has shown me that she's human and will only take so much; she left once. Could it happen again? Would that be my fault also? My daughter...she gets the leftovers of my personal time at the end of the day. My son…does he really still respect me? We made a small breakthrough a few weeks back but was that enough? Will he still talk to me? He didn't this morning. It's my fault. Is hope lost for good? Do I give up on all of them? Would it be fair to abandon my wife and orphan my children? That would be my fault. I would be to blame. Me.
Case closed.
Why didn't I take stock of all this before?
"Tell me Ed…tell me what you see," I hear her voice again.
I can't. Why not? Because I don't need to. Yes you do. No. I am fine. That's a lie right? But I am fine. Are you? That's the Ed Lane tagline isn't it? That's what I tell my team…my family…myself. I. Am. Fine. Greg said I'd have to do the math one day. How many times have I actually uttered those words as a bold faced lie? I'm fine. Am I? Maybe I'm not. Maybe today's the day I finally do the math on all the I'm fine's and realize I have been lying – to myself. Maybe today I finally look at all the times I merely shrugged it off as doing my job…following an order…obeying without asking questions. Maybe today I realize that I'm more human than I thought. My father did it…why can't I?
Your father wasn't SRU, my brain correctly reminds me and everything stops once again. He wasn't…he never faced the hot calls I have…never taken as many lives as I have…never had to live with the pain…anguish…guilt that I have. He still faced demons, he just never told you. He never taught me to deal with my pain. Never. I have been lying to myself and now…now I am paying the price. I am paying the price for being human. It's all I was taught. All I know.
I'm sorry. I am…sorry…oh God I am so sorry…I am…but who…who takes stock of that? Who can absolve me of my guilt? Release my inner torment? Who? Me? Do I have that strength? No. Greg? Can Greg do that? My wife? Can Sophie do that? This doctor? Can she do that? Can anyone? MAY I'M SORRY!
Can I face another day on this job? Taking the lead in taking a life if necessary? Can I justify that to myself day after day after….day? How do I keep going? Can't I just say I'm done and that's it…I take my life back…my family…my future…my damn sanity!
I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I hear myself yelling into the stale air. I WANT IT BACK…I WANT IT BACK NOW…NOW…GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK…PLEASE…DAMN PLEASE…please give it back…I continue to shout into the nothingness before me…my watery blue eyes looking frantically around at the blank horizon ahead. You can have it back…you know what to do. The power is mine…to take back my life and I know that. Why can't I just take it?
What started this all? What was it that has held this all inside? You know. Was it pride? Fear? An arrogant ass attitude that kept me from acknowledging my humanity until I was forced to? I didn't want to let down the team. They look to me. How can I lead them now? How can I let them see the crack in my armor? Let them know I am weak? That I am human? Wordy showed his humanity and they still respect him. He doesn't lead them, I promptly argue back; my soul starting to grow weary and my frame wanting to just collapse. How can I come in tomorrow after this meltdown? What will they think? Say? Do? How will they act? Treat me?I am not fit for duty. You can be…you know how.
"How do I go back? What do I tell them? Tell my family? My team?"
You tell them the truth! That'll tell them I'm afraid to face them, I push back in misery as my head invisibly shakes. It'll tell them you need their support! My brain continues to argue in return…my ears refusing to hear anything but my own self-proclaimed misery. I show myself weak and right away one of my team has a bad day and calls it in. And? Is there anything wrong with exercising a right that is given to you by your employer? NO!
I can't listen to this. I take a step forward…in my mind I only see white…no definable horizon. I know I am still in the chair…I hear her voice asking me questions, forcing me slip between reality and my own inner damnation.
"Ed…where are you?"
I…I don't know. Where am I? Where am I going? Where is my future? Waiting for you to take it back. It's there…waiting. Waiting…and then what? What happens when I take the next step? Where will I end up? Will it erase Petar's voice calling me a murderer for taking his distraught father? Will it silence May's cries as she asks why I took her life when she was just trying to help her mother escape abuse?
"How do I face that? She was 18. Had her whole life ahead of her and I took it. I took it. How can I face that? Her whole life…and I took it. How can my kid look me in the eye?"
She's always there…this young girl…its May. How do I get her out of my head? Will the next step erase her from my memory for good? Will it put an end to my own inner accusatory jury…the myriads of voices that refuse to be silenced? They hear the voices. They've seen the evidence…passing judgment is easy. I'm already condemned. In your own mind! That's all I have! – I wearily argue back.
"I kill its black and white."
"You take the kill shot you are blamed. And if you don't kill you judge. You blame. Yourself."
Edward Tucker Lane you are guilty of all emotional charges. Fight them…fight the evidence…show your side…tell them your side. My side…I have no side. I am paid to kill. I take lives…YOU KEEP THE PEACE! I uphold the law. You're human.
"Why are you here really? To hear me tell you you're a monster? Or why you can't talk to your son? What do you want Ed?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. You know it. You have to tell me. I have to hear you say it."
I can't do this. Yes you can! I take another invisible step…my stance slightly faltering and so I halt my movements before I give way – with no one to catch me. I want to leave this place…leave the blank space in my mind…and run…but to where?
"The only person you are running from is yourself."
She's right. When I look around me all I see is empty desolation. That's what you are projecting currently, my brain utters in truth. You only see bleakness…let go of your inner anxiety and see what the future can hold.
WHAT? I shout back in anger as my fist invisibly punches the air. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF FUTURE CAN I HAVE? Voices…images…faces…calling me names…murderer…killer…I can't…I can't take it anymore. I can't…do this. It's over. The voice…pulling me out of my morbid stupor. The voice of help…pulling me back from the brink.
"Ed where are you?"
"I am there…in the moment. The moment I kill someone. Breathing slowed. Heart rate steady. Pressure on trigger. We are trained to break that instinct so in that moment it's like a switch that goes off…you kill. This is my job now. I must kill. But I can't do it. I didn't take the shot. I don't think I can do this job anymore."
I'm done.
Silence.
Never thought it would end up this way. It's over right? What else is there? Can I really quit this job? It's all I know…my life. Can I change? Do I want to? Tell my wife so she can say I told you so and to urge me to look for a safer job? Tell my best friend and hear him say it's okay…maybe take it easy for a while. Tell my team? And hear them say of course…you're only human – maybe you do need a break. I DON'T! I want to give in. No don't give in! You can rise above this! SHUT UP! I yell at myself…not wanting to hear my brain arguing back with solid facts…wanting to offer real life suggestions that might help. Would it help? Taking some time off…how could I come back? How could I face the team after that? How?
You take it one day at a time.
I used to hate hearing that. Used to tell myself that it was for everyone else but me…that I didn't need that kind of stuff…that one day was same as the next and I wouldn't allow myself to be affected by the stuff that affects everyone else. But I am affected. I need this to end. How the hell do I end this?
I stand fixed in place and look around; this time I see myself on the job, I hear the call…see the subject…feel my fear…hear Greg's…Sam's…Spike's…Leah's…Jules...voice…whoever else is there…on the call…at the time. I hear myself giving instructions…orders…watch myself being shot…kidnapped…confronted…taking the shot, taking a life.
But you are missing the hugs…the thank you's…the thank god you save my life comments…the good jobs…the well done's…the lets go home and be happy no one died today! STOP FOCUSING ON THE NEGATIVE!
IT'S ALL I KNOW!
And with that the images fade, my eyes water again and the image of myself sags to my knees; my heart racing and my body urging my mind to just accept defeat. Another inner panic attack? Maybe this is the end for me. I've earned this right? This is my penance to bear? My shield to carry? My banner for the world to see?
It's all I have.
I hang my head, silent tears slowly escaping and dropping to the grey ground one droplet at a time. Should I count them? One for each life I've taken? One for each family I've had to talk to? One for each SIU debriefing I've attended? One for…
My team.
"My team. They'd give their lives for each other. For me." They have my back. Always. I count on them. Rely on them. They are my strength. Just like they rely on me. That's why this is has been so hard to me. "I am their team leader. When we are on a call; they look to me. To be calm. To be in control." Your team will back you no matter what. I need them. They are there…waiting to help. Trust them. Today.
Now…what about your family?
My family. They keep you grounded. Keep me grounded. Always proud. Never ashamed. I let them down. You can get them back…they are waiting. They love you; always have and always will. I want them back. I want what I had before May's death…before that. I want it back. Take it…my brain whispers. How? Who can help me? I will help you.
Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up…I see…my future. I flash back to the morning…my beloved daughter is in my arms. I look down with a tender smile, my heart swells and for a few seconds I have peace. But then I remember another child crying and instantly rage clouds my happiness. That is until I hear a soft voice calling me back; not letting me go.
"Daddy…I love you…" Izzy's soft pink lips utter and my heart shatters instantly. I try to shake my head…wanting to tell her NO YOUR FATHER IS A MURDERER! A failure! But I can't…I just look at my beautiful baby girl in tormented silence. I reach out…but she's just out of reach…my fingers…can't get her.
"Come back daddy…come back to me," she whispers as my tears continue their silent descent. Get up! Go to her! My brain commands. I want to say no…I want to yell at her that she doesn't know what kind of monster her father is…what kind of failure she'll come to see him as…what kind of man can take a life and then go home to her as if nothing happened out of the ordinary. Then one day completely break down and show his weakness in the worst way possible. Giving in…giving up. You are a fighter! Fight this!
"I can't…." I utter in torment. "I don't…I don't deserve…"
A second chance? My brain interjects. Because that's what this is…and you do so deserve it – TAKE IT.
Where is my son? Why isn't he here? I let him down right? You need to connect with him. How? You know how. I don't. You do; you know him.
"Scales. How did you know…Clark plays doesn't he?" I knew that. I know my son. I know him but I hate the silence between us. The silence that is my own doing. I want my son back. "I was happy. Made me think of Clark." But Clark's not here. He's gone. Ashamed.
"That is my legacy," I whisper in misery as I hang my head.
No it's not…look up! See what you have before you…what you have to live for…
I dare to lift my watery eyes, not expecting to see anything more than a blank canvas before me. However, I am wrong. I see my family…I see my friends…I see my team. I look over and see my daughter as she's going to school on the first day. I am there. I won't miss it. I see Clark's graduation from the academy. I won't miss it. I see…
Possibility…promise…hope…your future.
I have…
Too much to live for to give up now. Don't give up…don't give in…just don't.
I don't want to give up, I finally acknowledge as I blink away several anxiety filled tears. I don't want to give up…or give in…I just want…I want this to end…this torment, this guilt, this inner pain. HELP ME END IT! Find a balance…embrace your humanity and let those around you…those that love you help you. I hear others now…friends…family…those closet to me. I hear Greg's voice…Wordy's…Sophie's…Danny's…all telling me to keep going…not give up…not give in. The future is there and it's worth fighting for. Take back the future!
I…
That is why you are here…you are taking that step…allow the system to help you…the process to guide you…your team to heal you and your family to love you. You're not lost. You just lost your way; but it's not gone. Now it's time to take it back. It's there. Take it. Hear me now and listen. Listen and act. Before it really is too late.
I…
"Ed?" I hear my name again. She wants to help, let her help you.
Can I do this? Maybe I can. I look past the person I'm talking to and focus on an image a few feet away. It's my daughter…it's her wedding day…I'm there…at her side; happy and proud. That future is attainable…it's there…remember what Greg always told you: 'Admitting your weaknesses does not diminish your strengths; it shows your courage.
I can do this…I can.
"Ed?"
I…
"Ed? It hurts to be the one to take a life. So you can quit your job, stop talking to your son, run away like my father or Harold. But none of that is actually going to help you face the one thing you are running away from. So the question is Ed, can you allow yourself to feel the pain?"
"How? How do I face that?"
And then I break down. I confess all. It's May. She started this. I start talking and I don't stop. It hurts…oh god it hurts so much. My body gives way…the tears come. Confession is heard. My heart is about to give way but my brain won't let me stop. I have to keep going. Keep talking. Embrace the pain. Accept the pain. Let go of the pain. The weight is lifting. I…the pain…it hurts…oh god it hurts…but its leaving. You needed to feel that. You needed to get that out. I did it.
Silence.
I'm back. But where? A rooftop…I saw May…oh God I still see her face…hear her voice. I…let go…just let it go. I can't. Yes…yes you can. You just did. I just did. I did. I let it go…I let go. I looked over the edge of emotional precipice and…you stepped back. I stepped back. Will I be okay? You will.
I hear her voice and for the first time in months…I believe. I believe I can now walk out of here and face tomorrow. I have purpose. I have hope. I can do this.
"Ed when I look in your eyes I see a cop, a hero, a father, a husband, a man. I'm not worried about you, if you hadn't come to see me today I would be worried. You are going to be okay. You are. Just remember the job is black and white how you feel about it isn't."
"That's…that's okay?"
"Yeah. That's okay."
"If you want to look your son in the eyes you need to tell him how it is."
I look back at the kind face before me and offer her a heavy sigh; my body finally sagging into the wall I am leaning against and my brain finally getting its voice heard. I know what to do. I know what I want…I just need to know how to get there. She did it. She broke through. It was in you all along. You just finally allowed it to break through. You did it. I did it.
"I have people I have to talk to. Yeah a few people I think I need to talk to."
"Thank you for being honest."
I leave the building…the session…at least I think I do…I feel my body getting up and walking toward the elevator…offering some cordial parting sentiment and heading for the door…my head pounding and heart racing…my entire frame covered with a thin coating of sweat. I will be back. I will finish this. I will win. I will take back my future.
I always remember something my father told me as a young child…something that defined him and will now define me: 'We don't know how strong we are, until being strong is the only choice we have.'
I neared the breaking point…I walked up to the edge and looked over…I saw nothing. Not nothing…you saw the cost of not realizing that you can't do this alone…day after day after…day; the human cost of not letting go…not forgiving yourself. I saw my future – it was blank…it was empty…it was…one future if you continued on that path, my brain corrects. But then I saw hope…saw my family…my friends…my team…calling me back. That's the other future; the one that's waiting. They never gave up on me…never will. With them at my side…day after day after…day. I cannot fail.
I reach the barn, my hands shaking as I sit down with the May Dalton file in my hand and then I look up at Greg, my eyes pleading for a small reprieve. I see kindness…strength…acceptance. He won't let me fall. He hasn't yet. Here I have hope. I can do this. The team around me. Their kind faces. No one is judging me. They are here for me. To help me. We talk. The team listens and then they talk. Like we always have. And I tell them the stuff not in the file. I tell them what has been bothering me. Why I left the call today. Why I acted the way I did today…the past few months. We talk. And when I am done I realize…I am fine. I really am fine and for the first time in I think years…I actually believe those three simple words. I. Am. Fine.
"I need a break," I finally confess as I look at the last person in the room.
"I'll take you home," Greg tells me warmly.
I can only numbly nod in compliance. I have nothing left inside to fight with…although I do have lots inside to fight for. I see that now. I don't want this end…I want to fight…I want my life…my future…my soul back.
"Eddie…"
"Boss I'm good."
"Tough day all around. You okay after all that? Telling the team? That was big."
"I should have told them sooner."
"You told them now; that's what counts," Greg assures me. "How are you otherwise? I mean today…when you left the scene I was worried."
"Boss I'm sorry."
"Don't be Eddie…I was worried but you went to the right place."
"How did…you know?"
"I called home and then I realized you did what I would have done," Greg answers. "How are you?"
"I'm…I'm tired," I confess in truth. "What else did she say?" I ask in apprehension.
"Fit for duty. That's it. Was there more you wanted to tell me?"
"No," I half whisper. "Greg…"
"I know Eddie…I know. It's going to be okay now. Welcome back."
In the end I realize that it never left…my future was still there…there all along, I just lost focus and my way to see that it was still there and I wanted it. I let myself get blinded by my own imperfections and that sometimes I just need to ask for help and that asking for help is a sign of strength and trust not weakness or something to be ashamed or afraid of. And I will continue to get that help. I am not ashamed. Now I want it. I will take it one day at a time. I paid the price. Now I am to reap the rewards…bad and good. I will learn from the bad and embrace the good. I will win. I can to this.
XXXXXXXX
I enter my home with mixed emotions; I see my wife holding my daughter and feel my heart swell. I have love. I have purpose. I am offered a second chance with my wife. Tonight I take it. I walk up to her and give her a warm hug, kiss Izzy on the cheek and look at her with a small frown.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"I do. Later. In bed," I whisper so that only she can hear. Her grasp around me tightens; her eyes water as she looks up at me in concern, understanding and love. Not judgment. Not questioning. Just tender support. I made the right decision. The tension of the past few months is finally starting to fade. "My nights of sleeping alone in the basement as I have for the past two months," "end tonight," I utter to myself; she knows the pattern, I don't have to tell her. But tonight that ends. Tonight I take my life back.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
I pull away and enter the living room, gazing at my son with a small smile of pride. I want him back. I want us back; me and him. He looks up; at first almost afraid to continue. One step at a time.
"Sorry, I can do this later," Clark utters to me in uncertainty as I look at my son with affection.
"No it's okay…don't stop…it's beautiful."
This is a start…a small start, but it's a start. I see his smile…feel the warmth growing between us once again and know that I just need to put forth the effort, it's worth it. I want it. I can do this. I go and sit down beside him. I take the chance and we start fresh.
Today I took back my future. Me. Edward Tucker Lane. I took it back. Today…I won.
THE END!
A/N: and deep breath! *phew* Okay so how was that? I wanted to end with more hope than uncertainty but I do hope you all liked it a little and hope the POV didn't suck. First time doing this for such an emotional eppy but hope I did it and our fave character some justice. Please do let me know by way of a review before you go and thanks so much! Gosh only 2 of these left and then….*fade to black* (cue dramatic music) haha okay go review! Lol thanks everyone.