And I come to find a refuge in the Easy Silence that you make for me. It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me. And the peaceful quiet you create for me. And the way you keep the world at bay for me. The way you keep the world at bay
Dean sat in the empty motel room. He was alone once again. Only moments he had been yelling at Sam for being the incomplete man that he was. Dean of course knew he couldn't help this, but sometimes he just became so frustrated. He became desperate, so he lashed out but only because it was easy to lash out at a soulless person. Sam hadn't cared what Dean had called him, but he had left any away to give Dean some space and to head over to that bar that was located just a block away from their run down motel.
Dean was struggling. Everything he did was wrong. Everything he said was wrong. What had he ever done right? The only thing that had even done right was be with Lisa, but now all that pervious relationship did was make him spend long hours with his phone clutched in his hand desperately waiting for her to call him and say anything and everything that could possibly be said. He was lost. What could he do? What was left for him? Maybe he was the soulless one instead of Sam? At this point he thought that might be possible. He closed his eyes and tilted his head up towards the ceiling. His hands clasped together and came up and pressed against his forehead.
A fluttered a wings made Dean's eyes flash open and tilt his head back down as he stared upon the rather stern looking face of the angel Castiel. Castiel had warned him not call unless it was an emergency, unless he needed help. Dean thought he didn't really need any of those things, but he had called the angel anyways and now he was going to get scolded.
Dean remembered the old Castiel. Dean missed that part of him. The angel who had been brave enough to rebel against heaven for him, the angel who had stood beside and was his friend, the angel who had risked it all to save the world because he had believed in humanity as much Dean had.
The end of the apocalypse had also brought the end of that Castiel, and Dean missed him. Dean had missed him a lot.
"Hey Cass." He said a strained smile forming upon his face as Castiel just continued to glare at him. "I missed you." Dean finally continued.
"Dean what's the matter?" Castiel finally rasps out as he broke his gaze with Dean to survey the confines of the dingy motel room.
"Nothing's the matter." Dean lied as he continued to stare at Castiel, who was still gazing around the room looking for whatever it was that Dean called him about.
"No, something has to be the matter. I told you not to contact me otherwise." Castiel muttered as he looked back over at Dean, who just shrugged his shoulders.
Castiel suddenly looked furious as he marched forward and yanked Dean to his feet from the bed he had perched upon.
"Dean I told you not to contact me unless you were in danger." Castiel snapped and Dean just flinched as he tried to move away from the angel.
"I know…. I just." Dean's voice faded into silence and he looked up at Castiel once more and their eyes locked.
Castiel's eyes softened in the next moment, so Dean took another step closer to the angel. Another long moment pasted without them moving until finally Dean rushed into Castiel arms and burying his face into Castiel neck as his hands balled up the angel's trench coat in his fists. His sobs were loud at first, but the longer then went the quieter they became.
Castiel's own arms were wrapped protectively around the hunter's shoulders. They stood there in the middle of the cold motel room in each other embrace. For the first time since he had left Lisa, Dean felt like he belonged back in the world he was living in. During, the time Dean was sobbing Castiel never said a word. He just continued to hold Dean close, until finally Dean released his clenched fists allowing Castiel to pull away but the angel didn't. Castiel continued to stand motionless with his arms still wrapped around Dean.
"Cass, I am sorry I called you. " Dean's voice cracked from all his crying.
"No. It's okay Dean, I understand." Castiel whispered into Dean's ear.
More silence fell upon them until Dean finally pulled himself away from Castiel, who looked at him with great concern. Dean tired to smile, but knew it wouldn't look convincing due to his tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. Dean felt a stray tear dripped from his eye lash and down his cheek, but before it got down to his chin the angel standing before him wiped it away with his thumb.
Castiel thumb lingered on Dean's cheek probably long then the angel had originally intended, but when he pulled back Dean reached up and gripped Castiel's slender hand.
What was he doing? Dean wasn't sure why he was doing what he was doing. Was he just over emotional? No, it had to with being here with this Castiel reminded him of the one he had lost. Just for a brief moment he would allow himself to believe that he was back in the presence of the angel he had cared for so much. "Cass, I missed you." Dean whispered as he brought his head back down onto the angel's shoulder.
"I was never gone Dean?" Castiel muttered due to the confusion he probably felt by Dean's last statement.
"Yes you were. The Castiel I knew has been gone for awhile now. Where did he go?" Dean muttered as his hands slid up Castiel arms until they were cupping Castiel's cheeks.
"I don't understand Dean." Castiel stammered suddenly sounding upset as he pulled his face away from Dean's grasp.
"You left with barely even a goodbye, Cass. Did you ever think about how I felt about that?" Dean stammered and Castiel's eyes narrowed.
"Don't talk to me about that Dean because you never asked how I felt about you going off with Lisa." Castiel voice got soft and he looked away from Dean embarrassed by his statement.
"What?" Dean's voice rose in surprise
Castiel just continued to look away avoiding eye contact with Dean all together.
"I….I" was all Castiel could manage to stammer shaking his head still staring at the floor until Dean grabbed his chin and forced his head up so they looked each other in the eyes once more.
"You missed me too didn't you?" Dean muttered as a small smirk tug on the corner of his lips
"No…Yes….Of course." Castiel stammered once more.
Dean leaned closer to Castiel once more pulled him closer by placing hands on the back of Castiel's head and weaving his fingers through his hair.
"Dean?" Castiel voice was so low that Dean could barely hear it despite being so close to angel.
"Yes Cass?" Dean said slowly pulling back gently
"I'm sorry."
Dean felt suddenly confused. Why would Castiel be sorry? He was the one who had all the problems not Castiel. It also wasn't his fault that he needed to leave to help heaven. Dean didn't hold that against him, he only missed seeing the angel, who had saved him and the angel who he loved. His eyes grew wide in surprise as the revelation hit him like it was a freight train.
"Don't be sorry Cass." Dean muttered as shook his head "You had to do what you had to do. I just missed that's all." Dean paused then continued again "But could you possibly stop by a little more. Just being around you makes me feel so much better. I just want to see you because I love you Cass."
Castiel blinked twice in rapid succession as if he couldn't believe what Dean had just said. Dean waited patiently for Castiel to speak, but the angel remained silent.
Dean bit his lip and nodded like he suddenly understood something. "I get it Cass, you can't possibly love someone as broken and as misshapen as me." Dean muttered looking away and heading for the motel door.
"Dean, wait that's not it." Castiel called "I love you too."
Dean's body froze in the middle of him reaching for the door knob to exit the motel room.
"You do?" Dean stuttered as he whirled his body around and stared back at the angel, who just looked frightened that the hunter was leaving him behind. But now that Dean had stopped moving towards the door his tense shoulders slackened and let out a long held breath.
"Yes, I had always thought it was obvious." Castiel muttered his cheek reddening slightly.
Dean just blinked at Castiel in surprise then rushed forward slamming his lips upon the angel's.
It was a hard and desperate kiss that had a year worth of pent up longing.
The door knob suddenly began to rattle and the Castiel and Dean quickly pull apart as Sam pushes open the door. Sam raised an eyebrow as he stared at the two panting men who were standing in the middle of his and Dean's motel room.
"Did I interrupt something?" He asked slowly as he watched both men shake their heads vigorously from side to side.
"I was just leaving." Castiel said abruptly turning and nodded to Dean. "I'll be back soon, Dean." Castiel said with a small smile and his hand a tight squeeze before he vanished in a rustle of feathers.
"Hey why was Castiel here?" Sam asked as he shed his shirt before he vanished into the bathroom.
"He was just helping me with a few things. In fact I am surprised he showed up." Dean paused then smiled "But I am glad he did."
Dean now felt that the weight of the world was off his shoulders. He had never expected that those long moments of silence he shared with Castiel would make him feel so much better. Castiel helped kept Dean troubles at bay and with Castiel Dean was able to handle life so much better, not even his soulless brother could upset him. Had Castiel always affected him this way? Of course he had, it had just taken him this long to realize it. Who knew silences what silences could bring out of people? Dean was just sure that they were starting to grow on him.