Hello everyone. First off I just want to say thank you for even bothering to ponder reading this. It means a lot. Secondly I own not a thing (though I wish I had ;) ) Also pleeeeaaasse review. Either review on what you liked or even what you didn't like so I can fix it. When it comes to writing fanficitons I thrive on reviews. They keep me going. So if you want to see more, please review. Enjoy.
Skins: 1st Generation
Chapter 1
Tony
"Tony? Are paying attention?"
Tony looked up at me with familiar distaste, his coking little grin edging from his lips, eyes wide and blue…mocking. I knew this look all too well and immediately frowned in disappointment. I hoped Tony could see my eyes piercing into him, but his defiance to give a shit proved it ineffective.
"Car." He replied, at first confidently. Right away he knew that was wrong. He'd meant to say no but his brain still wasn't working right. Speech was one of his many problems.
I watched the disgust form on his face like he couldn't even believe that word had flown from his lips. Tony was way too hard on himself. He'd just survived being hit by a bus and it was like he was expecting to get better over night for Christ sakes! The kid was an annoying twat but I hated to see kids beat themselves up.
"Tony…." I began.
"Don't!" he interjected. "I…I…I….I…I…" he couldn't get the words out but he was forcing it to hard. Soon enough he was doubled over, continuously spewing out Is like he was a having a seizure.
"Oh Christ!" I got up and moved to Tony's side, placing two hands on his should to steady him and keep him from rocking.
It took a few minutes before Tony was completely calm.
"Just breathe, okay? It's a process. Everything won't be fixed overnight." I then bent down to look him straight in the eyes. Tony fidgeted in his seat.
"Do you hear me?" I continued. "You're rushing things." I said as softly as I could, hoping it was getting through to him. However Tony never met my gaze like he was too high and proud to do so and that finally did it for me.
"I don't understand ya. Do you want to get better? Do you like being practically a vegetable? Tony you read on a first grade level and you've been out of college for over a month. You could fail college you know. Do you want that? Your mother, your poor mother is fuckin depressed over you. Do you realize that? She has to take pills from practically dying from the stress. You're the cause of all this. Just let me help you, I can help you with all this."
I looked at Tony for a long moment, expecting a response. I knew that it was all cruel of me to say but I'd only meant it to get him to talk, to stir something out of him. But yet he said nothing, still staring at the floor.
I gave a big sigh, signally my surrender.
"Tony I just don't know what to do with you." I said, walking back to my desk in defeat. Tony still hadn't moved and inch, not even blinked but somehow that cocky little smirk had made its way back to his face.
"I watched him from my desk, wandering if we ever were going to get anywhere. I'd never met a kid soo against counseling he was willing to sacrifice getting better just to piss me off. I leaned back in my chair, meeting his silence. We stayed like that for the whole session up until the last 5 minutes when he finally spoke.
"One d-day I-I'm going t-to g-g-get bett-tter and happy be I'll." He paused and said again. "And I'll be h-happy. Miserab-ble you will be still. I will laugh." And with that he dismissed himself.
I hate her. How could she talk to me that way? She wasn't the one that got run over by a fucking bus. She's supposed to be the understanding one that can help me? If that's what helps like then I'd rather be dumb for the rest of my life. She called me a fucking vegetable. If I was better I'd have her sued. Who does she think she is? Fuckin wanker.
I burst through the doors that separated the psychiatric ward from the rest of the hospital. I had made this journey so many times that the nurses and doctors down the hall recognized me and waved like they want to be my fucking friend, like they knew anything about me; bunch of tossers if you ask me. Now if only I could actually put to words what I thought of them then I'd set them straight. The Tony before I became…this, certainly would have. God I feel like I hardly know that Tony but I'd give a right arm and leg to be him again.
I turned the corner towards the exit. I remember the first time I was left alone here and I'd gotten lost on the way out, even with directions as simple as walking down a hall and turning right. My parent had purposely hired me the shrink the closest to the exit in to prevent this but of course I'm too much of a dumbass not to fuck it up.
"Tony!" yelled a blonde haired kid near the exit doors, already running to me.
"Hey."
"What here doin M-maxxie?" I became scared instantly. I got nervous whenever I was around people that were not either my family or my therapist. I was afraid they'd laugh at the way I talked.
"Parent couldn't take you home. I volunteered." He beamed, obviously happy over his 'good deed'. I wandered if he got off on that sort of thing.
"But why?" Who'd want to have to deal with me? I'm enough of a burden to my family as it is. Most of my friends were smart enough to me abandon already.
"Why not?" he continued to smile.
"Whatever." I pushed past him, too tired to argue. "Just don't d-do the whole sm-miling thing on the way th-there okay?"
"Why not?" he followed me out the door and eventually caught stride with me. "Too infectious."
"Too annoying."
"Right." He laughed, not believing me. Great, this was going to be a long ride.
We eventually arrived at his car. Without even thinking, Maxxie walked to my side and started opening the door for me.
"No!" I pushed him away. His bright smile faltered for a second, surprised.
"What?"
"Do it I truck." I pointed the door handle. I was about to fix what I said but Maxxie spoke first.
"Fine." He said, throwing his hands up. "You don't need my help." Then he went to his side of the car and got in with ease, not looking back.
This stunned me more than I thought it would. I was so use to people babying me and doing everything for me that the fact that he just left me to open the door without trouble or arguing truly flabbergasted my mind to the point where I just stood there.
Maxxie rolled down the window.
"Come on Tony get in." he said impatiently from the car.
"Right." I said, then looked down at the handle. I slowly raised my hand to the lever. I could see all the steps I had to take to get the job done but of course, my hand failed me. You have no idea how it feels to know what you're supposed to do or say but for the life of you can't put into action. It's like ordering your favorite desert but not being able to eat it. It's like buying those rare concert tickets and not being able to go. It's like working your ass off for a grade that doesn't end up counting. It's so frustrating it makes you want to scream. I tried it again but failed.
"Tony." Maxxie said.
"No I've got this." Third attempt, still a fail. Fourth attempt, fail. Fifth attempt, fail. Sixth attempt, fail, and so on and so on untill I was hitting my hand against it like that would work. I could feel my heart beat racing again like it always does right when I'm about to have a fit. Harder and harder I hit it then I'm twisting about and screaming, throwing a tantrum like a two year old. That's when I feel Maxxie's arms around me.
"Stop it! Stop it." He tried to hold me down but I was to out of control. I'd expected him to just open the door for me and throw me in but he said something I didn't expect.
"Stop it, you can do! Just try again!" And then I stopped, the shock of his response mystified me.
"You're not just going to do it for me?"
"Hell no, you're 17. You can do it yourself." He let me go then spun me around to face him. "I believe in you Tony. Just try again."
I looked at the handle once more and without hesitation tried to open it but of course, I failed. I started to have a fit again but Maxxie wasn't having that.
"Try fucking again." I looked at him. I expected to see his face mad and red and annoyed but it wasn't. He wasn't smiling anymore but he wasn't mad either, almost serine and I believed with a doubt that we were not going to leave this parking lot till I opened that door.
I shook him off of me, and took a slow drag of air before I lifted my hand to the handle. With slight pressure I was able to lift it up and I heard that beautiful click, the sign that the door was indeed open. And I did something I hadn't done in a while, I smiled.
"Told you my smile was infectious." I turned to see him and that everlasting smile was plastered on his face again. This time is was almost broader. "Now get in, you tosser."
I obeyed and lifted myself easy enough. And before I knew it we were leaving the parking lot and heading home.
I was silent for most of the ride while Maxxie went on and on about stuff I honestly wasn't paying attention to. Stuff about dance I think but I really couldn't of cared less. My mind was off wandering things about the others; Sid, Michelle, Jal, Chris, Janwar, and Cassie. I was told that when I was unconscious in the hospital all of them came to see me. However once I awoke only Maxxie, Chris, and Jal continued to show. And then it was just Maxxie, Maxxie and my sister Effy. I never like to think about them because it's pointless…right? I hardly remember a thing about them but yet I still feel hurt. This is what I've become, Tony the pussy.
"….and my boyfriend Dale and I have been together now for—"
"Your boyfriend?" I'd just happened to catch the tail end of the conversation.
"Yeah Dale, do you know him? He goes to college with us."
"He's a bully?"
"Was, well…we're going great." The tone in his voice was all wrong I could tell.
"Why you going out with a bully?"
"Look he's a lot nicer than you think." His smile completely left his face. He looked odd serious.
I wasn't quite sure why this was all bugging me so much. I looked down at the car floor thinking, feeling like there was something that I was missing, something that I'd forgotten. Then it came to me.
"Wait a minute. He's not just a bully, he was your bully. He's a homophobic prick."
"Oh the things you remember and the things you don't." Maxxie mused.
"Explain to me. How in fucks sake are you two dating?"
"Things just happened alright; let's just leave it at that." Maxxie said defensively. His usual smile pressed into a hard line.
"You're not telling me something."
"Who says I have to tell you everything."
"I'm only curious."
"I said leave it." He barked. "Sorry, I didn't mean that." He said after a short pause.
"Yeah you did." I looked back at the window in front of me. "Tell you it's nice to see a different side of you. Not so sun shiny all the time now are you?"
"Fuck off."
"Point proven."
"You can't say anything you know. It's a secret."
"Of course it is." I say disproving. Maxxie just glares at the road.
There was a long moment where we sat in silence, then out of nowhere Maxxie started to laugh.
"What you wanker?"
"Nothing just glad to hear you're improving."
"I never said that."
"You didn't have to."
I was going to ask what he was going on about when another question popped into my mind.
"Why did you continue to visit me in the hospital when no one else did?"
"Because no one else did." He sounded annoyed again.
"What?"
"He sighed. "You don't remember all that well but we were all really close, like a family. The fact that they just stopped seeing you just made me livid. I know this sounds kind of silly but I think the reason I came so much was to…kind of….replace everyone—no not replace but almost….."
"Spit it out."
"…fill the gaps. Like instead of coming as one person I came as everyone." He looked at me. "Weird I know but…I don't know."
"Why do you care?" He had turned his face back towards the road but I could still see his cheeks blushing. "I guess I'm just a good person." His famous smile returned.
"Bullocks."
"But what else could it be?"
"You tell me."
"Well I don't know." He chuckled. I know it's odd but his being happy almost made me want to be happy. I felt myself forgetting all of my problems.
"You're smiling again." He noted.
"Nothing to do with you for sure." My widening smile betrayed me.
"I'm good for you."
"What?" Okay gayboy can't be coming on to me now.
"Calm down." He said as if he could read my thoughts. "I meant I'm therapeutic for you."
"How so?" I asked accusingly.
"You haven't messed up in speech since you set foot in this car." And I was dumbfounded. He was right. I hadn't stuttered or mixed words at all. I stared into space unbelieving, mouth ajar.
"Why do you think that is?" Maxxie asked curiously but I was too shocked to answer.
For the remainder of the ride neither of us talked. I was too confused and dazed to really speak and I think Maxxie sensed I needed to think so he didn't talk as well. When he drove up into my driveway I didn't get out immediately.
"Is there something you want to tell me?" Maxxie asked when 5 minutes had gone by and I hadn't moved.
"I haven't messed up." Was all I could say.
"Nope, noticed it about half way through our conversation but I was afraid if I said something it would mess it up."
I just couldn't believe it. Since the moment I woke up till this very day, my speech had always been screwed up. It was rare I could say a sentence perfectly yet here I've just had a whole conversation perfectly without even realizing it. And the whole car door thing. I haven't done a thing for myself since I opened my eyes a month ago. I didn't want to admit it but Maxxie was good for me.
"Are you thirsty?" I asked.
"What?"
"What?" I didn't see the oddity in the question.
"No not really. Tony?"
"Hungry maybe?"
"Tony if you're inviting me in just say so."
"I'm no gayboy." I said defensively.
"Right." He said starting to get out. "You're definitely getting better."
"Where are you going?" I yell at him through the window.
"I believe you indirectly asked me to your house." He said, already walking to the door.
Oh great, what have I done.
Without having any problems I get out of the car and manage to lock it to. All the while I'm wondering what the hell Maxxie's done to me.
"Don't you want something?" I ask as Maxxie instantly heads for my room.
"Yeah I want to see Tony Stonem's infamous room."
"Infamous?"
"All the sex. All the stories."
I say nothing as he enters the room. He looks around nodding his head.
"Yep."
"Yep?"
"This is exactly what I imagined your room to look like. The bed spread's a nice kink. Not my type though."
"Ya know, sometimes I have no idea what you're going on about." I say from the archway.
"I know." And he plops right down on my bed, lying on his back, with his hands behind his head.
"You're comfortable." I tease, sitting my chair.
"Mmm." Is all he says, smiling of course. We're silent again, then Maxxie speaks.
"So." He plops back up. "Why'd you invite me in?"
"You know, technically I didn't. I only asked if you were thirsty or hungry."
"Whatever." God, could his smile be even more stunning.
"I was being a good Samaritan." I fake sincerity.
"Of course you were." Playing along as he laid on his stomach, elbow propped up to rest his head in his hand, facing me. "But seriously, why?"
"I don't know." I say honestly.
"Don't you want to know?"
"Know what?"
"Don't you play dumb with me."
"I'm not playing at all. That p-passing bus took m-my IQ along with it."
"Oh shut up." Maxxie rolls over to his side. His response pisses me off.
"M-maxxie you're n-not the one who g-got—"
"—hit by the bus, yes I know. But you're also the one feeling sorry for yourself. You're never going to get better if you play the victim card. You are still smart; you just have to try a little."
"I try do."
"No you don't. I could tell by the way you left your appointment things didn't go well."
"Wasn't f-fault my, she c-called me a f-fuckin' vegetable!"
"Do you know what the definition of a person who is a vegetable is?"
"Well yeah of c-course do rice."
"Say it."
"Maxxie—"
"Say it!"
"Someone who can't do shit for themselves."
"And how is that different from you?"
That took me back. I always have a quick response, witty at that, but I had nothing to say here because it was true.
I sulked back into my chair defeated.
"Oh no don't you do that!" Maxxie got up from the bed and walked straight towards me, finger raised. "Don't you feel sorry for yourself. I mean did you notice how as soon as you started talking about that bloody accident and how you can't do something, your speech got fucked up again."
I looked over my last couple of phrases in my head and he was right. I'd started messing up again. What is wrong with me?
"Tony, do you hear me?"
"Yeah." I say weakly, avoiding eye contact.
"Christ! Maybe you do need it." He says, starting to walk back and forth in front of me as if deciding something.
"What?"
He looks at me for a moment, puzzling over whatever it is. I stare back at him thinking, why is this boy being so nice to me? I may not remember everything about my so-called friends but I do know that Maxxie and I were never very close so why does he care now? Also maybe it's because of this fact that I'd never noticed how handsome he was, with strong cheek bones and gorgeous blonde hair. I'd definitely have a crush on him if I were gay.
"Oh fuck it!" he says which I remember being one of Chris's popular phrases, having said it several times in the hospital regarding smoking inside. "The whole lot of us are going out to this party tonight. We wanted to keep it a secret from you because one; you are recovering but you're not 100% and 2; I just thought it might be a bit awkward. Though I think if you go it might be good for you."
That stung. I'm not sure why but it stung. They were hiding things from me. I definitely remember going to parties together. That was like our thing. And now they don't even want me to come. But that shouldn't matter to me right? They were as good as strangers, strangers that had abandoned me…
"Shit you're moping even more now. Oh come on then. Tell me what it is." Maxxie sat at the edge of the bed awaiting an answer. When I didn't reply he asked the same question as before,
"Do you want to know?"
"Yes." I say without hesitation and without beating around the bush. "Yes I want to fucking know."
"Good." He took a deep breath, exhaled and began without stopping. "Well first there's Anwar. He's a Muslim boy, sex crazed, and one of my closest friends. Anyways you weren't that close to him but like I said, we were a family. Not everyone in a family is close. He talks a mile a minute, always on to the next thing if you know what I mean, same with Chris. He's a complete nutter and the biggest junkie of us all—always swallowing pills and shit. He's also dating the Psychology teacher, Angie, or whatever her name is. But he's a laugh, loves everyone, and does what he wants because he can. That's why we all love about him. Jal, Jal's really sweet, probably the most sensible of us all. She knows how to say no, knows what's good for her. Really sassy to, wouldn't cross her. Plays the clarinet and is really talented at it. She's going places. Cassie, you weren't close to Cassie either. She's real thin, she' blonde, and says 'oh wow' a lot. Exactly like that. She's really messed up in the head though. Been to tons of doctors, even stayed at a health institutes. She's anorexic you see, really low self esteem, it's kind of tragic. She was introduced to all of us by Michelle. Michelle was/is your girlfriend. I don't know that's up to you. You call her nips on account of her funny nipples—or at least you say. I don't notice. She has a completely jacked up family. Mom's always got a new husband worse than before. Sid was/is your best friend. Again that's up to you. He used to look up to you like you were God or something. Did whatever you told him to. His father recently died which suck 'cus he also has really low self-esteem. Both he and Cassie kind of have a thing for each other but for some reason they make it all complicated.
Maxxie took another big breath when he finished and looked up at me. I just sat there, soaking everything up. If I was going to go to that party tonight it be nice to have some of those details handy.
"What about you?" I asked, just noticing he left himself out.
"Me?" he seemed surprised.
"Yeah you didn't tell me about you."
"Oh well you want to get to know me then." He smirked. "Well, I'm a dancer. My favorite's tap but I also do hip-hop and lyrical. Um…I'm gay but I think you remember that, kind of funny you do." He laughs. "My dream is to make it on West End as a featured dancer in some musical. I plan to move to London when I leave college."
"But what about us?"
"What?" he was clearly confused.
"How were we as friends?"
"Oh." For the first time he seemed genuinely uncomfortable.
"What?" Now it was my time to be confused.
"Like I said, we weren't very close."
"But we were still friends." I prodded.
"Yeah but…I mean…we were closer when we were little."
"Just tell me Maxxie, there's obviously something you're not telling me." I was getting slightly annoyed.
"Well, we—meaning our history class-took this trip to Russia. And…well…in my moment of weakness, you sort of…well….tried to….suck me off."
"What?" I didn't even realize when I'd decided to stand up but here I was, towering over Maxxie.
"It was nothing; it didn't even get very far."
"Why?"
"I don't know I think you were just bored."
"No I mean why didn't we go very far?"
I wasn't sure why that question was so important to me but it was. Maxxie seemed just as stunned as me.
"Because I came to my senses." He stammered out. "It's not like you fancied me or anything."
"Didn't I?" It seemed the only plausible reason I'd do such a thing. Even though Old Tony was nothing short of a far memory, I knew myself now enough to know I wouldn't have done such a thing even I was bored to tears unless there was another motive behind it.
"Did you?" Maxxie eyed me quizzically. Most likely wondering the same question I was. Then the door opened.
"Tone Mom says she's been trying to reach you—oh. Maxxie?"
"Hi Effy." I watched as Effy's eyes flew from me to Maxxie. I hadn't noticed at all that we'd gotten rather close and we'd just been staring at each other….
Maxxie must have realized the same thing.
"I-It's not w-what it seems like." It was his time to stutter. However Effy threw up her hands as if to stop him in his tracks.
"Look I'm not here to judge. I'm just telling Tony that mom told me that she's been trying to contact you to see if you got home safe because you haven't been answering her calls. In other words, call her."
"Effy-." Maxxie persisted.
"I don't care." She interrupted, and then walked off to her room. I took out my phone and looked at the call log. Sure enough mom had called at least 9 times.
"I've got to call her." I said to Max.
"Yeah you do that." He said as he started walking out.
"Wait, you're leaving?"
"Yeah, I've got to get ready for the party and frankly get out of here before your parents arrive. I don't want them thinking whatever just went through Effy's mind."
"Well fuck her."
"No Tony." He sighed and walked back over to me. "Are you going to the party or not?"
"Yeah." Maxxie's face was literally a few inches from mine. I could smell the cologne off his skins. Somewhere in me I knew that the distance should unnerve me but I couldn't find it in me to care.
"Fine. Then I'll pick you up later. Be ready by 10 and for fucks sake don't be late." He headed for the door.
"Maxxie!" I called out. He stopped and turned.
"Yeah?"
"You smell nice."
Maxxie gave another one of his award winning smiles.
"I know. Bye Tony." And he left.
"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Maxxie asked the thousandth time.
"Maxxie if you ask me that one more time, I'm literally going to yank your balls off."
"Is that a threat or a promise?" He smiled.
I just rolled my eyes and kept heading up the hill to the party. It was at some big old house. It probably looked pretty in the day light but at night with a least a hundreds teenagers defacing its property, it look haunted.
"Tony wait up." Maxxie yelled from behind however I had no intention of slowing down. I'd been cooked up in my house for way too long and I was absolutely ready to party.
"Tony please."
"What's your deal?"
"Just warning you to take it easy alright."
"Yes mum." I mocked him. Then from behind I felt a warm hand turn me around.
"I'm serious. I'm going to be fuckin' responsible for you if something happens."
"Nothing will." I fought back, taking a step closer.
"You don't know that." He echoed my approach and I swear there was visible electricity running between us. I gazed down at his lips. I couldn't look away.
Great now I'm fucking queer. And without warning I turned back to the house, refusing to stop anymore.
"Tony!"
"What?" Earlier Maxxie had been preaching about doing shit for myself and now he's acting like my fucking mother.
"When you see the others, they're going to act a bit weird. I didn't tell them you were coming."
Now for the second time I stopped walking and faced Maxxie.
"What?"
"I thought I'd be a nice surprise?" He said, hands in the air like he was some innocent little kid.
"You fucking pussy. You just didn't want to have to tell them." I started walking towards the house again, this time more to get away from Maxxie.
"I'm sorry, I know."
I didn't respond, not that it would matter anyways. We'd made it to the house and the music was on full blast. Maxxie couldn't have heard me even if I'd yelled.
The lights, oh the lights. So many of them, twirling about and blinking. They turned the room into a spinning chaos filled with heart pumping music, sweat, and drugs. Everything about it was just so….so…familiar.
We walked through the crowd silently, looking for the others. Then Maxxie spotted them by the bar. He ran up to them first, I trailed along far behind. I felt that familiar nervousness creep back up. Shit now I was going to be talking like an idiot again.
"Maxxie!" The Indian boy I remember being Anwar called out, pulling Maxxie into an embrace. I made sure to stay quiet so they wouldn't notice me.
"Ahaaaa! Bro we just got a shit load a free spliff." He held up a bag the size of my head full of it.
"I hope you're taking in everything now." Said Chris joining Anwar, wrapping his arm around his shoulders. "Because you won't fuckin remember any of it by morning." All three boys held up the bag admiring it and laughing, that's when Michelle noticed me.
"Tony!" She half screamed. All eyes turned toward me. No one was laughing anymore; they just all stared at me. I was too afraid of opening my mouth and saying something stupid to say anything.
Chris was the first to break the tension coming towards me and patting me on the back.
"Welcome back mate." Still no one moved. Then it was Maxxie's turn to break the tension.
"Who's ready to get spliffed up!" he yelled, holding the bag up even higher. There were cheers of agreement from Chris and Anwar as they began partying and dancing away. I didn't want Maxxie to leave so I was about to follow him when Michelle called my name once more.
Crap, what am I going to say to her?
She walks over to me without waiting for my response. Looking at her I wish I could feel whatever it was I felt before the accident but the feelings just won't come.
"Well aren't you going to say hi." She smiles. She's very pretty. Her rich brown hair had grown longer than I remember seeing it. Granit these memories are brief but it was enough to notice.
"Okay, maybe I should start. Hi." She clearly wants to have some sort of conversation but I'm to afraid so I just stand there, saying nothing.
"Are you not going to talk to me?" I look down. It stupid I know, but I don't want to look at her right now and see the disappointment that's evident in her eyes, even after what she's done to me.
"Tony I'm so sorry." Her voice cracks. I'm sure she is crying but I still refuse to look.
"I couldn't see you, no like that." She pauses. "Tony look at me. Look at me please." And like the Pussy I've become, I obey and sure enough I was right. Three tar streaks down the right cheek, three on the left, symmetrical, perfect.
"Tony…" She starts. But catches herself before she says whatever it was she was about to say and starts again. "Tony—"
"Oh wow, Tony you're here." I heard a thin-like, whimsical voice from behind and I knew it could only be one person. I take another glance at Michelle who's closed her eyes, blocking me out for sure. I just hope it wasn't forever.
"M-m-Michelle!" but by the time I'd gotten out her name she'd already walked away.
"Tony." The same thin voice said again. I turned around to see her.
"Oh wow, you look the same. I don't know why I just expected you to look different. But you don't so don't worry. How you feeling?" She asks after a moment. I don't even bother to open my mouth. "Words still difficult for you?" A feature about Cassie that I'd forgotten just came back up. On the surface Cassie seems quite simple but really she might be the smartest of us all. "That's alright." She answers anyway. "I'm glad you're here." Then not-so-subtly I notice her eyes drifting to a spot behind me. I turn to see she's looking at Sid whose eyes are boring into Michelle's back who's unaware.
My thoughts go back to the conversation I had with Maxxie about their feelings for each other and it being difficult and I hope to God Michelle is not the reason why.
"I think you ought to talk to him." She says nonchalantly though her eyes betray her. In them I can see that she urns to be the one to talk to him.
And then I speak.
"W-why should I? I-I d-don't know h-him that w-well." She doesn't look at all surprised at me speaking.
"But you do. You feel it in your heart. You love him, you don't know why but you hate for it. You hate him and you hate yourself."
At the moment I wasn't sure if whether she was still talking to me or to herself.
"W-why you do—why d-don't y-you t-talk to h-him." I say.
"I'm not the one who hasn't seen him in months." She smiles and then begins to walk away when I suddenly remember something.
"C-cassie….S-scotland?" I didn't bother getting out the whole question.
"I just came back this morning." She smiles even brighter and walks away. It was only when she was gone that I realize that, that would mean she hadn't seen Sid in months to. She lied.
I face Sid, who's both staring at Michelle and avoiding my gaze. I gather up the courage and I walk over to him.
"Sid." I say flawlessly. He still doesn't turn towards me. I look over at Michelle who's now talking to Jal.
I turn back to him.
"Sid." I say more forcefully however he still doesn't acknowledge me.
"Sid!" I yell this time. "Sid!" This time I slap him, finally getting his attention.
"Ow!" His hand flies to his face that's just looking at me shocked. I don't say anything more.
"What, what you want?...Tone you got to say something….Tone!...You bastard say something!...Tone please!" I only wasn't talking because I was afraid to say something dumb but it seemed that silence worked better. It was making him nervous, making him squirm and I felt like he deserved it all. As I stood there, the anger built up inside of me from a place I didn't know existed and I just had to speak.
"You never sh-showed grass—no up!" Fuck this was annoying. "I n-never you see-see you." I paused to make sure I got these next words perfectly. "Why weren't you there?"
Sid just stares up at me like he was the silent one now.
"Fuck!" I yell in his face, slamming my hand against the counter. This startled him and then he was crying, even harder than Michelle.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." He bent over, taking off his glasses that were getting wet. "I wanted to be there but I couldn't." Then he looks back up at me. "I couldn't." he says firmly.
I stand there for a moment, pondering what to do next. And then it occurs to me.
"Not enough." I say, and I walk off to find Maxxie, leaving Sid to himself.
When I find Maxxie, I can already tell he's in an awkward position. He's sitting in one of the lounge areas with Chris and Anwar and a boyish looking girl, literally standing right over him. When he sees me, his face is full of relief.
Hoping up almost too quickly for the odd girls liking, he walks over to me.
"Hey Tony, you feeling okay?"
"What?"
"You know, sure you don't feel like you need to go home or anything." His eyes are very tight as he points them in the direction of the girl who, as if on cue, appears right as his arm.
"Hi I'm sketch." She holds out her hand.
"Tony." I shake it.
"Nice to meet, are you one of Maxxie's friends?"
"Um…yeah."
"That's great. Maxxie deserves friends."
"Right." I look back over at Maxxie whose giving a look that could only read, help me out this bitch is crazy And I immediately get his initial incentive.
"Oh." I fake double over. "Oooh." I'm not a very good actor but Maxxie plays along anyways.
"Oh look, see I knew this would happen." He fakes disappointment.
"I'm going to have to take him home."
"Oh no." says Sketch, already looking like she's about to freak out, not over me but over Maxxie leaving.
"Yeah when he gets like this things get pretty bad. You know, he starts throwing up, turns blue and all that. You don't want to see that."
"Oh no it's fine." She says in a hurry.
"Oh no trust me. It's truly awful, I mean wow. I have to go now." He takes me in a protective embrace like I'm about to fall over.
"See you, bye Sketch. Bye Anwar, bye Chris." And we we're leaving in such a hurry I didn't get a chance to take once last look at Michelle.
When were outside Maxxie apologizes.
"I'm sorry but she was crazy. Like I feel like she's been fuckin' stalkin' me, it's weird. Sorry the party was short."
"No it's okay. I wanted leave anyway. No one wanted me there." Wonders how now I can speak perfectly.
"That not true."
"Okay beside you Tosser." We begin walking to the car.
"Chris was, it seemed Cassie was."
"There were only merely trying to be nice."
"There you go with the self pitying."
"I know I know I ought to stop it but it's just too easy ya know, blaming everything on that damn bus."
And like I often do now-a-days, I begin to sulk. I fully expected for Maxxie to begin yelling at me but again he does something I don't expect. He takes my hand, giving it a little pressure.
"Everything will be alright." He says with his figures intertwined with mine. We walk like that for the rest of way to the car which is actually a while away.
Getting in the car without any help or set back at all, I get in and allow Maxxie to drive me home. We're silent throughout the whole ride. I knew I'd be quiet but I didn't expect Maxxie to be. At one point I looked over at him and he seemed to be in deep thought. I wandered what he was thinking about so hard.
For a second time that day Maxxie drove his car into my driveway and I hesitated to leave.
"What is it this time Tony, I'm really tired."
"How come I can talk perfectly around you but around others I'm shit."
"I don't know. Maybe 'cus with me you actually try 'cus you know I don't baby you. I believe you can do it and maybe…however sappy it is….it inspires you to believe in yourself."
"Maybe." I say, staring off at nothing.
"Goodnight Tony." This is a clear dismissal.
"Goodnight Maxxie." I get out of the car in a haze of all of today's events. It's like somehow, somewhere I'd done a complete 180—no that's wrong. I know what happened that made this change and his name is Maxxie.