Kingdom Hearts: Every Fan Fiction Ever

Soku, the man who is eerily similar to both Riku and Sora, BUT IS STILL A TOTALLY ORIGINAL CHARACTER, sat on the beach.

"Wow… This is an awful way to start a fan fiction… Maybe, when I'm done expositioning, someone will do something worth narrating about-"

"Hey, Soku!" Soku's friend, Yaomi, called. "Want to hang out with me and Mary Sue?"

Yaomi's name was very descriptive. His fondness for gay-sex was unmatched-

"I'm straight." Yaomi commented.

Too bad, you can't argue with the Narrator.

"… F ck you."

I've heard that a lot. Anyways, Soku and Yaomi strolled across the island, until they found Mary Sue, who was sharpening her katana.

"Hiii everybody!" Mary Sue greeted, "I'm just sharpening my katana!"

"I know," Yaomi replied, "I read the narration."

"Can we actually move along with the plot?" Soku whined, "I heard I get to kill things later in the story, soooo…"

"Alright, alright!" Replied Mary Sue, "Let's get on with the plot!"

"Because I asked you to?" Soku asked.

"No, for a completely different reason!" Mary Sue answered cheerfully.

"Ooooof course…" Yaomi commented. The studio laugh track was then put on for that hi-LARIOUS remark.

"Wait, what was that?" Mary Sue asked.

Soku scratched his chin in ponderment, "I don't know…"

Yaomi face-palmed, "Am I the only genre-savvy person in this entire group?"

Mary Sue and Soku nodded, "It's one of my few actual flaws. That, and being clumsy." Mary Sue replied.

Yaomi sighed, "Okay, so. This is a modern Disney-based thing, and, all of you have seen Disney Channel, right?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Exactly. So, the extremely over-used laugh track was just being played by the Narrator-"

You can hear me?

"This wouldn't be a crappy fan fiction parody without it."

Ah.

"CAN WE JUST GET BACK TO THE ACTUAL F CKING STORY?!" Mary Sue snapped.

"I just wanted to pad out the word count, but fine." Soku replied.

"We need to build our raft, so we can SAIL TO OTHER WORLDS!" Mary Sue said with whimsy.

"… You realize that's not how Worlds work, don't you?" Yaomi asked, after a brief pause.

"Why don't you think so?"

"Well, Mommy and Daddy told me so, after they told me how babies are made. It was a weird day." Soku answered.

"AREN'T YOU THIS STORY'S IDIOT?!" Mary Sue yelled.

"Aren't you this story's main 'damsel in distress'?" Yaomi commented, "You should calm down, so that the bad guy actually wants to kidnap you."

"I WILL STAB YOU IN THE GUT REPEATEDLY." Mary Sue threatened. Laugh. Anger is funny. I've stolen from- I mean, read enough fan fiction to know that.

"I love you so much." Soku squee-d. Yes, that's a word now. Deal with it, I'm the Narrator.

"You know what, Mary? We'll do this for you, but only for one reason."

"And what reason may that be?"

"… You're f cking hot." Soku answered.

"I would've said that it's because we're friends, but sure."

"Oh, silly Yaomi!" Mary Sue laughed, "You can't find me attractive! You're attracted to Soku!"

"Now, why do you think that?"

"Cause the Narrator told me."

It's true.

"CAN WE STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL?!" Yaomi whined like a little bitch. "That's not helping, Narrator."

"The Narrator has had more lines than me…" Soku sighed.

Take that, bitch.

Yaomi sighed, "Let's just go. I'll go with Soku-"

"Aw hell nah!" Soku rejected, "I'm not gay."

"I can't believe this series is going down into gay jokes… And I'm straight, dammit." Yaomi fumed.

"You know what? No. I'm not going to date you."

"I'm not asking you out-"

"NO, don't beg. You're only making yourself look stupid."

It's true. You're extremely stupid.

"SHUT UP, NARRATOR!"

"I'm out of here." Soku said.

"Where are you going?" Mary Sue asked.

"Angst Beach. You know, the usual hangout of RPG protagonists."

Soku then left Mary Sue's house. What, we never mentioned they were at her house before? Well, I'm not that good of a Narrator. Sue me. Anyway, Soku left, and walked up to Angst Beach.

"When will my adventure start…?" Soku sulked to himself as he skipped rocks, "Maybe chapter three…"

"How about chapter RIGHT THE F CK NOW?"

Soku looked at the Man who approached him. He was the Man With No Clever Name. He wore a top hat and a cloak, with a blank slate of a mask. He was unoriginal. He totally isn't an author insert for the author, Noklevername. He had the most physical description of any character in this story.

"Who are you?" Soku questioned.

"Read the narration. I know you can."

Soku promptly read the narration. He gasped, "You're obviously a villain! AND a shameless self-insert!"

The Man With No Clever Name took out a long, silver blade, that was kinda sharp and pointy. Aren't I a great Narrator? "Take that back, you little CENSORED."

"Don't kill me!" Soku cried, "I'm the main character!"

"That's why I'm here…" The Man With No Clever Name said, as he drew back the blade, "This is a Pick Lock Blade."

"Kinda like a Keyblade?" Soku asked, confused.

"The Author said it isn't. Here, take it." The Man With No Clever Name offered Soku the Pick Lock Blade.

Soku grabbed it eagerly, "Yay, pointy things! Yaomi doesn't usually let me near them, so this is really cool!" Soku paused for a moment, "So, why are you giving me sharp-pointy thing?"

"I come here on behalf of the Author."

"Who?"

"The Author! The Man Who Created This World! I'd say he's our God, but he's Christian. So he settles for the Author." The Man With No Clever Name explained.

"So, he's a narcissist?"

"HOW DARE YE-" The Man With No Clever Name fake-coughed into his sleeve, "Sorry about that. Anyway, the Great Author needs his idiotic original characters, or OCs, to do his work for him. I'm here to give you an offer…"

Soku woke up, "Wait, what? Sorry, I'm not good at speeches."

The Man With No Clever Name sighed, "I'm offering you the ability to travel through all the Worlds. Defending them. Killing things. Meeting new people. And furries. I know that's your fetish."

"No!" Soku yelled, "That's impossible!"

"Look into your Heart. You know it to be true."

"This is a crappy reference."

The Man With No Clever Name sighed in slight shame, "Yep."

"But still, I SAY NO!"

"WHY?!" The Man With No Clever Name fumed.

"Because I'm still hitting on Mary Sue, dammit. Plus, if I leave, Yaomi will probably go all emo!"

"WHAT?! You have to be kidding me! I'LL KILL YOU- Hehe, sorry. Anyway, take that Keybla- I mean, Pick Lock Blade. Anyways, I'll do anything to get this plot moving, you little bastard."

The Man With No Clever Name then opened up a dark purple Portal. "Wh-where does that lead to?" Soku asked nervously.

"The Author's Home." The Man With No Clever Name answered, "I'm out of here. Remember. PLOT!"

The Man With No Clever Name left Angst Beach, and Soku sat down on the sand. He sighed, "That was needlessly ominous."

Soku examined his new Pick Lock Blade. On the handle, it said 'CWDIOYENMASLPATNY'. Soku wondered what it meant.

"Hey, Narrator!"

W-what is it?

"You know what this means, right?"

Um, yeah. Sure.

"Then what does it mean?!" Soku asked, like a little brat.

Um…

Soku sighed, "Never mind… I'm out of here."

Soku then picked up his Pick Lock Blade, and skipping-rocks, and trudged home.

Please review, and tell me what you think! I could really use your opinions, Readers!

Thanks for reading!

PS, yes, the Organization are going to make an experience...