Raven sipped the amber covered liquid, sucking idly on a ice cube while she tried not to think.

Tea was the only thing that could top fine malt whiskey.

She looked at the pictures on the mantle, and wondered if any of them remembered. Fifteen years to the date, since the titans had been initiated. A few years since they had all split up, still friends but needed in different areas. They teamed up on rare occasions, when their schedules permitted. When none of them had dates or obligations.

Starfire spent much more time on Tameran. And when she wasn't there, she was with Nightwing, patrolling or spending personal moments. Beastboy was affiliated as the instructor for the Titans South. He lived on site. What better leader for a gaggle of hormonal brats? And Cyborg..

Cyborg was Cyborg.

Raven felt the glass in her hand break, and cursed softly, heading to the bathroom, dropping the remnants in the wastebasket as she handled her wound. In the garbage, next to the shattered remnants of her glass and her band-aid wrapper..

And a wedding invitation.

It had been her twentieth birthday, when she had killed Trigon. When he had escaped for the first and last time. She had known it would never end, if she didn't. So Raven had gathered the strength and had done the deed. Five hours later, Cyborg had taken her to a concert. The music had been loud, near deafening. He'd shoved her into a mosh pit.

For the first time in her life Raven had embraced her now free emotions. Needless to say, a lot of people went home bruised. And after that, almost an hour of crowd surfing, of thousands of foreign hands she trusted to carry her through the night, staring up into the softly drizzling sky, ignoring the dissipating smell of fire. On the drive home, Cyborg had stated to her firmly that he had feelings for her.

Snorting, Raven lifted up the wedding invitation, reading it again.

Your presence is hereby requested at the joining of Victor Stone and Jane Albright.

Jinx.

After the accident, he had saved her. Raven had supported the decision. She felt like an idiot now, for not seeing it sooner. Not seeing those glances as he fixed her, as he spoon-fed her and taught her to walk again. Maybe Cyborg had a thing for helpless cases. They'd dated for seven years. And he'd left her for Jinx. Not left. That was too hard a word. He had " explained". Jinx needed him, he had loved her, back at HIVE.

And so she didn't say a word, and he went running into her arms.

Did he take her to concerts and throw her into mosh-pits too? Did he let her help him with the T-Car, when it needed an oil-change, or fuck her with the windows open when the rain kept pouring in?

She tore the invitation neatly in half, and went back to the kitchen to replenish her drink.

Raven wasn't going to go. Starfire had shown up, dragging her into the shower, doing her hair. She had even picked out a pantsuit and a small, flattering hat for the woman called Rachel Roth to wear. Everyone knew Raven didn't do dresses. When she was badgered into a vehicle, Raven was silent throughout the ordeal, only giving her friend the vaguest of questioning looks. Starfire returned her look with a brief chastisement.

" If you do not come, Friend Raven, Victor will be most hurt. He will think you have not forgiven him, for being with Jinx."

She was silent as the cars rushed by on her left side, her forehead gently pressed against the glass. Closing her eyes for a small moment, wondering if this stabbing inside of her was jealousy or real pain.

" I haven't forgiven him, Star. Did any of you ever consider that?"

In answer, the redhead smiled. Cryptic, with those damn twinkling eyes.

" Yes you have, Friend Raven, you simply don't know it yet. "

The ceremony had been a silver and midnight blue monstrosity. Raven had sat through boring vows, nauseating declarations of love and affection, cake..

And now ,a reception. She would have left, but frankly the looks Star kept sending her told her she'd get a lot of grief if she didn't give a dimestore effort. So Raven sat with a free drink ( the real reason she hadn't put up more then token protest) and watched , hoping the bride would get drunk and someone would start a brawl. Of course, this didn't happen.

The bride and groom where absorbed with each other, dancing fast and slow, smiling like a couple of kids on the short-bus and laughing at their own stupid jokes. Beastboy was whirling Terra around. She still didn't know how that had happened. But their relationship was new , tenuous. The woman was still very frail from years of bodily stasis.

Raven didn't care. She glared at Terra from across the room. If the woman tried anything..

But she gave that up after the first thirty minutes and settled on getting drunk. It was fairly hard because of her background. She remembered the now dead Azar telling her God loved Drunks and Fools. And her mother, with a tiny glass of sherry, asking Raven why she always stared. And Cyborg, handing her the first glass of liquor she had ever consumed.

The music was never ending. About three hours in, she heard that song. The one they had shared at that concert from so long ago. And the pressure of a mechanical hand on her shoulder. She remembered him singing it into her ear when she had woken sobbing, knowing without a doubt that everything she remembered of Azarath was gone forever. He'd done this on purpose.

He thought that in front of all these people, she would dance with him, to this song, and would forgive him. Raven felt the first tears come and settled on the only safe emotion.

She turned around, her very old and almost rarely used Ice Queen face. And slapped Cyborg so hard he had to grip the shoulder of the man beside him to keep from falling. She would never forget that look in his eye. But she didn't wait for anything more. Instead, she took to her dark raven form.

Raven flew fifty miles, to the place she knew it would take them the longest to get to. She didn't, and couldn't withstand anyone right now. The new teenage titans didn't ask when she slammed the door, asked them in a shrill voice why they weren't out patrolling and stomped up to her little used bedroom.

She slammed that door hard enough to put a fissure in the wall, before sliding down the doorframe until her spine curved against the unforgiving metal. Raven kicked off heels and unpinned her hat. She felt the hot tears and welcomed them. Cyborg. He had been pitying her with that hand. He had been offering her one last chance to dance with him, to a song he had given to her when she had needed it most. But she had been on his mind. He belonged to that woman, not Raven. Never her.

Large eyes blinked, wiping off the smallest traces of mascara. She had been stupid to even go. Had she expected him to look at her, to suddenly realize what he had lost? To take her into those hard, mechanical arms and tell her that she was his Rae, and that she didn't have to worry, that she wasn't a murderer and he could feel her pulse and that it didn't make her a monster to kill someone so evil..

Raven didn't know why she tore the clothes off, resting in nothing but undergarments and her own skin. She went to the window. The city was dark, unnaturally quiet. Robin had Gotham and Starfire, Beastboy had the New Titans and Cyborg had Jinx . She was herself. Afloat with nothing except a body and a purposeless need to save people. To redeem herself.

Her apartment had been too close to the ceremony, and Raven wished it hadn't been. Cyborg had built this tower. She could almost feel his creativity in every inch of her own room. Curling to her bed, Raven didn't move. She used her powers instead, and let them ravage every possession she had. Books tore themselves in halves, the window shattered, the bed frame shook. And she just laid there. After a few hours, silence reigned instead of shattering glass and tearing papyrus.

She stood on wobbling legs. Raven tripped unceremoniously over a wooden box, on her way to the bathroom. The Titans would be asleep by now, and she had a robe. Stubbing her ankles and feeling a soft trickle of blood, she snarled, until she saw the carvings.

Her own hellish Jack in the Box. Of course, it would be today of all days that she would see it. Almost fifteen years since Malchior had tried to kill them all. Since the paper man had seduced her into almost killing her friends via dragon-fire. Since those ice-blue eyes had spoken to her, understood her. Raven suffered a raw laugh at that. Would he even recognize her now? With the long hair, the curvier body? Yes. But he would be disappointed. She hadn't lived up to his expectations, most likely.

But at least he had broken her heart right off the bat. Cyborg had drawn it out.

She took the wooden trunk and set it on hr bedspread. The bathroom could wait. She traced the runes with a small , shaking hand. Cyborg had done the same thing to her that she had done to Malchior. Shoved her into a box and forgotten she had existed. She undid the lock with little thought. He couldn't escape the book. The box was of no consequence.

Setting the dangerous tome on the spread, she left to clean off her face. To prove to herself it didn't matter, that the thick book wasn't going anywhere. And when she returned, padding down the halls with bare feet, it was still laying innocently against the plush down comforter. Raven held it against her chest. She remembered what that first love felt like. Remembered how cruel she had been to her friends.

Malchior had offered her the same thing Cyborg had. Companionship and understanding. But neither of them had been able to deliver. Neither had been true to her, had really wanted anything like love. Raven didn't know why she bothered. At least when she hadn't been able to show her emotions, people had stayed away. Now, every time she felt the experience was still so new, and her face gave her away.

She didn't want them to know how she felt, how desperate she was for human contact. So instead the short, curvy woman sat in her undergarments on her bed and clutched a silent, closed book for a few hours, until she fell asleep. She remembered nights with it underneath her covers with her, like a teddy bear. Raven found that it still had the same appeal. The inherent warmth of the living tome radiated into her skin, and soon, she drifted off, her eyes raw from crying and her shins still bleeding from running into the wooden chest. But she didn't feel any of it. And her dreams were safe, and restful Raven would never see those two blue eyes open on the cover of the book, study the woman; who looked so much different from the girl but still the same. Malchior saw an opportunity. God forbid he pass that up.

The next morning Raven woke, someone pounding a fist on her door. She had. a splitting headache from drinking, and realized she still had the damn book. Stumbling out of bed, she locked it into the chest again and kicked it until it skidded into the wall. And then, she approached her door and unlocked it. Raven would much rather get this meeting over and done. The fact that they hadn't overridden the door commands was enough to suggest they weren't as angry as she had originally thought. Her footsteps were quick, lest they decide to change their minds.

Raven needed a confrontation, she just wished they had waited until she was completely awake and sober. The door opened after she unlocked it, and instead of the Spanish inquisition, it was Dick Grayson, clad in civilian clothes and wearing sunglasses. His hands were in his pockets, and when he saw her he abruptly covered his eyes with a visible wince.

" Shit Raven, at least get dressed before you answer the door. "

He was careful not to uncover his eyes until she had slipped her bathrobe on, and she knew an angry Starfire was nothing to sneeze at. She was still a bit irritated though. How collected had he expected her to be? It was.. Eleven in the morning. Her schedule had been cleared for today in preparation for a monstrous hangover. She was glad for that now. Her patients didn't like to be kept waiting. She put on a small pair of black house-shoes and they retreated to the kitchen, the only place safe from the teenage miscreants. They were supposed to be training today.

After putting some water to boil and taking a seat, she looked Dick straight in the eye. He was sizing up the damage, and she would be damned if everyone would think she was some mentally frayed super-heroine who was holding a grudge at being scorned. Even if part of it was true. Instead of speaking, he waited for her.

" Why'd they send the least talkative person in the group to intervene with the other recluse? It seems counter-productive."

He didn't speak again, still just looking, and she hated that she couldn't see what his eyes were looking at with those damned glasses on. Her foot started tapping. He flinched at the noise, one of his many slight irritations, and they sat there for five minutes. She was tense and angry, he was withdrawn and observant. Just like old times.

Teasing the grain of the table with steady fingers, he kept his eyes firmly planted on the table.

" We're all worried Raven. You haven't been yourself lately. And what you did yesterday was crossing the line. If you had a problem with Victor you could have told us, and we wouldn't have made you come. "

She blinked , once.

" Were you aware your meddling girlfriend commandeered me into coming and that I had relatively no choice in the matter? Or did that slip everyone's mind, because of course when he openly begged me for an apology and I didn't give it I'm the horrible one. Not him, for leaving me for some small-time pink-haired criminal that only reformed because she wasn't fast enough for thieving anymore, after he fixed her up. "

Her voice had picked up a bit too much at the end, and Raven strove to control herself. Why was she yelling a Robin? He'd never done anything to her, besides take everyone else's side one or two times too often. He almost looked regretful.

" Look, Star had good intentions , But you're the one who hit the guy on his wedding day Raven. It's not like he acted like it bothered him, and Jinx didn't mind, but you could have been the bigger person and let it go without a fuss. As it is ; you were drinking like a fish. "

Raven flinched at the thrown accusation. So that's what they were mad about. Not Cyborg, but the drinking. Like it was any of their business how many martinis she had. The muscles tensed beneath her dove gray bathrobe, and Robin knew he'd been too honest.

" I'm not an alcoholic, my drinking doesn't affect my work, and therefore it's none of your damn business, Boy Wonder. I was at the wedding of the man I loved, who left me for another woman, did all of you lobotomized cretins think I was going to sit there, smile like Miss America, and be giddy? "

When she got up, the chair squealed as she went to handle the boiling water. Idly, Rachel noticed her hands were shaking. Clenching them on the white stovetop, she strived for calm. A state of mind she hadn't wanted to feel since her father's death ten years ago. After that, Raven had embraced emotion and strove to feel as much of it as she possibly could. But now, at thirty, she wondered if she ever should have. Maybe she would have been better off if she had turned Cyborg down that night, retreated to her room and meditated for no reason at all.

The hesitant grip on her shoulder was enough to tell her she had been crying for at least three minutes. Horrified at the sound of the ripping, almost hysteric sobs, Robin turned her around, pulling her to his chest and rubbing her stiff spine while she struggled with whatever was tearing her apart. Cyborg had been with Jinx for three years, and Raven had never gotten over it? Of course not. And none of them had realized her stoic acceptance and the way she only spoke to Victor when he asked a deliberately aimed question was her way of hating him. Robin felt like an idiot. Raven was his responsibility, they were a team, even if they were estranged.

And more then duty, she was a friend. They'd spent so much time being happy for Victor, none of them had even noticed how badly she was hurting. Well; they knew she wasn't very happy with him, but they hadn't known she was so close to the breaking point. So he tried not to be uncomfortable and ran a hand down her back. Quiet, just holding and hoping soon she would be alright.

When her sobs died off, She could barely stand. She hated this weakness, what she was letting Robin see. He was good at keeping secrets though. He wouldn't spread around her emotional breakdowns. Instead, he stopped rubbing her back and handed her a tissue from the counter, which she accepted without speaking. Robin winced when he knew she wasn't looking. His shoulder was soaking, and he still had to go to his day job.

Oh well. Some things were worth it, and she'd needed a friend.

" I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."

He saw the way she wrapped one arm around her midsection, clutching like someone was going to kick her while she was down. He felt the need to express his opinion. Hopefully she'd understand what he meant by it.

" Raven.. Cyborg and Jinx are in love. They belong together. You two had something, but he never looked at you the way he looks at her. I think you deserve better. You deserve someone who can feel that way for you. So I'm not sorry Cyborg quit on you. But I am sorry it's been so hard. I'll see you in a few days. Bruce needs another leg surgery and I promised.. Well- you know. "

She nodded. He kissed her on the cheek before heading out. Count on Dick to always be blunt and honest.

Returning to her rooms ( after a shower and a rather long reflection) she unlocked the chest again, retrieving Malchior's book. She wasn't stupid enough to want to see him again. Not for romantic reasons. But talking to him wouldn't hurt. He couldn't affect her the same way. She was older, more mature. And to be honest, she wanted someone to talk to. About betrayal. Maybe he could explain it to her. After all, if he made her angry she'd lock him away and forget the entire thing.

She didn't care about the bathrobe and the soaking hair. She opened the cover and began to read. The book fell from her hands of it's own accord, and the paper began to reassemble.

And for the first time since she was sixteen, she saw those eyes again. And was startled to think she may have been missing them.

AN: I needed a bit of spice, but this will be MalRae. Raven's thirty, she met Malchior when she was sixteen, she killed Trigon at twenty and dated Cyborg until she was twenty-seven.