STRANGERS WITH CANDY- "THE BLANK SPANK"
SCENE 1- JELLINEK and NOBLET are living together in a small apartment. No bedroom. Just a living room with a couch and a mattress in the corner.
NOBLET: I can't believe a year's gone by and I still can't find a job. Flatpoint can suck my-
JELLINECK: Hey now mister, that's my job. Anyway, if it hadn't been for that school we would have never met, you never would have left your wife, and we would have never discovered that live chickens shouldn't be used in four play.
NOBLET: *Rubs his crouch with a grimace and nod.* But still, I wish I could find a job so we can show the court we're making enough money to adopt. I have a nurturing spirit that's going to waste.
JELLINECK: But you have a kid…
NOBLET: I meant one that I can love.
*DOORBELL RINGS.*
JELLINECK: Who could that be? *Answers the door.*
JERRI: Hey there, queers. I hear you're looking to adopt.
NOBLET: Jerri! What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in school failing right now?
JERRI: Nah. I dropped out and got my GED.
NOBLET: How?
JERRI: Oh, I put Orlando in a wig and had him take the test for me.
(FLASHBACK)
*Orlando in a bad wig sitting at a desk.*
TEST ADMINISTRATOR: You're Jerri Blank? It says here you're a Caucasian American woman with chunky hips and a lingering smell of rotten pastrami. Is that you? *Sniffs air and narrows eyes. Dramatic music plays.*
ORLANDO: *Nervously.* Yeah…
TEST ADMINISTRATOR: Works for me. *Hands him the test.*
JERRI: Couldn't tell the difference. So, you're looking to fulfill a nurturing desire?
NOBLET: Yes!
JERRI: Perfect! Well, here I am! I'm in need of a new daddy and step-mom since mine are gone.
JELLINECK: You're step-mother died?
JERRI: No. She flew the coop a year ago with my loser step-brother. She decided to follow her dream and do a one-man Peter Pan play in every state. I think she's in North Dakota right now. Meanwhile, she abandoned me in our house with no food or water!
JELLINECK: No water? How have you been going to the bathroom?
JERRI: A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. I had a poop room. That's what got me kicked out. The neighbors squealed on me for "polluting" the neighborhood with "hazardous waste" when it started to overflow out the window. Next thing you know, my home is condemned and I'm kicked to the curb. You gotta help me! I have nowhere else to go.
NOBLET: No.
JELLINECK: Wait, Chuck. This might be exactly what we need. By raising Jerri, we'll see if we're really ready for children. It'll be like having our own little special needs girl.
JERRI: Yeah! Wait...wha-
NOBLET: All right, all right. But someone will have to get a job with another mouth to feed around here.
JELLINECK: I can sell some paintings!
NOBLET: No. I have an idea. Jerri, since you're going to be living here, you have to chip in too.
JERRI: Aghh...
NOBLET: I want you to teach Geoffrey how to be a whore.
JELLINECK: *Laughing.* Very funny.
NOBLET: I'm not joking.
JELLINECK: What? No! I can't do that to my beautiful body! It's a temple to myself.
NOBLET: Don't make me bring out the hand.
JELLINECK: Chuck! No! I physically can't do it. You know I'm starting to develop painter elbow.
NOBLET: Look what you're making me do! *Pulls his old wedding ring out of his pocket and puts it on his finger. Also puts on a decoder ring and RingPop.*
JELLINECK: Not the rings! *Screams as Chuck slaps him repeatedly in bitch slaps.*
JERRI: *Laughing as JELLINEK screams.* Sure thing, Mr. Noblet!
NOBLET: *Straightens up.* It's not Mr. Noblet anymore, it's... *Pulls off glasses with a bloody hand.* Papa Nobbie.
(FADE OUT)
SCENE 2- JERRI AND JELLINECK are on a street corner. JELLINECK is in a cut off shirt, short shorts, and platform shoes.
JELLINECK: I don't feel good about this.
JERRI: But you sure do look good. Those shorts make your booty POP! Mm! *Slaps his ass.*
JELLINECK: What do I do...?
JERRI: That's easy. Just pretend you like having sex for money. Or that you're with Mr. Noblet.
JELLINECK: But...he changed. I don't know who he is anymore. *Sadly looks across the street where Noblet is wearing a pimp coat and carrying a pimp cane. He's talking to two prostitutes.*
JERRI: He's just an average Joe trying to make some Hondo off of hoochie.
JELLINECK: What?
JERRI: Shh. Here comes your first customer. Knock em dead! Oh, and don't forget to -chhhkkk chkek- *Makes obscure sounds, hand motions, and hip thrusts* just like we talked about.
JELLINECK: *Nervously approaches the car and talks to the person. After a moment, he gets in.*
JERRI: What a trooper! *Walks around and sees a hobo covered in newspapers. Stares for a moment then yanks a paper off. "Hey!" he shouts then goes back to sleep.* Serial killer sweeping the red light district! Targets former art teachers with beautiful hair! Oh no! Mr. Jellineck! *Looks up in time to see JELLINECK put his hands against the window in desperation and the car screeches off.* Papa Nobbie! *She runs across the street to NOBLET.* He took Jellineck! The ASS Killer has him!
NOBLET: ASS Killer?
JERRI: Art School Serial Killer.
NOBLET: *Eyes widen.* GEOFFREY! *Turns to JERRI.* Do you have my money?
JERRI: Oh yeah. Here. *Hands him a wad of cash.*
NOBLET: *Counts money slowly, nods with a smile then dramatically looks back up.* GEOFFREY!
(FADE OUT)
NOBLET: Jerri! Will you pay attention? *JERRI is braiding the hobo's hair into cornrows.* This is very important. What did the car look like?
JERRI: *Goes over to NOBLET.* Well...it had tires. Four, I think. And they were black!
NOBLET: Good. What else?
JERRI: I don't know! *Panics.* I ain't gonna squeal!
NOBLET: *Slaps her.* Think!
JERRI: *Closes eyes.* There was a bumper sticker. It said, "An art teacher ruined my life and now I want to kill them all. In bed."
NOBLET: Bless your eyes! *JERRI's right eye twitches.* Never mind. I think I know where they're going.
JERRI: You do? Where?
NOBLET: The abandoned bumper sticker factory! All the machinery is there to make that bumper sticker and it's empty so he can do his evil bidding in private. I'll get the car. *Disappears.*
JERRI: *While waiting for him, a car pulls up to her.*
HORNY MAN: How much?
JERRI: Depends. How fast are you? I got about 30 seconds.
NOBLET: *Pulls up.* Get in!
JERRI: *Shrugs to HORNY MAN.* Sorry.
(FADE OUT)
SCENE 3- Inside the bumper sticker factory. JELLINECK is tied to a chair and blindfolded.
JELLINECK: Where am I? It smells like...Stickers.
SERIAL KILLER: You would know, wouldn't you? From all the gold star stickers you used to put on people's projects. All except mine.
JELLINECK: I would never defile a piece of art with a star! Only puppy and kitty stickers. Who are you? What am I doing here? Is this what whoring is like?
SERIAL KILLER: No. This is what dying is like. *Removes JELLINECK's blindfold and holds up a terrible drawing to his face.*
JELLINECK: Oh God! It's horrible! Why are you doing this?
SERIAL KILLER: I've always loved art but every art teacher has made me use spit to mix my watercolor.
JELLINECK: Not me. I would have given you a puppy sticker just for expressing your feelings.
SERIAL KILLER: I hate puppies...
JELLINECK: *Gasps.* You monster!
SERIAL KILLER: Even in kindergarten my art teacher failed my finger painting project. Let's see how well you can finger paint without your fingers, Mr. Polliwag. *Pulls out a long knife.*
JELLINECK: No! That's not my name! You got the wrong guy! Not my wonderful wiggle wedges!
NOBLET: *Appears out of the shadows.* Keep your paws off of those phalanges or I'll- *He says threateningly until SERIAL KILLER points his knife at him.* Here, take her! *Pushes JERRI forward.* She's ten times the art teacher he ever was!
JERRI: Mr. Noblet, I'm not- *A wad of cash is shoved into her mouth and NOBLET pushes her closer to SERIAL KILLER.*
NOBLET: *Runs to JELLINECK and releases him. They run out together.*
JERRI: *Screams, close-up as SERIAL KILLER approaches.*
(FADE OUT)
SCENE 4- Back at the apartment. JERRI is laying down on the pull out couch with SERIAL KILLER sleeping naked beside her. NOBLET and JELLINECK are asleep on the mattress on the other side of the room.
JERRI: Well, I didn't die. I just had to show him one glance of my station and that was enough to stop the crazy train. Damn was he kinky. Today I learned a valuable lesson: whoring can get you killed, but it can also get you enough money to buy your own hookers! Woo-hoo! *Throws money into the air and prostitutes appear from under her blankets.*
FIN.