Edward Masen's mother had been a firm believer in the divine powers of chocolate. If he was ever hurt Elizabeth was ready to give him a bar of chocolate and a comforting pat on the head.
He never complained, never wanted her to smother him with unneeded hugs and kisses and worry. He was five and could take care of himself, thank-you-very-much. The lovely sensation of of soft, sweet sugar melting in his mouth did make his wounds feel a little bit better anyway.
Years later, when he woke up from a pain that was impossible for a human to endure and discovered that he wasn't human anymore, he was horrified.
When his new father told him that his mother and father were dead, the place where is heart should have been felt like it was tearing, ripping, and the feeling was far worse than the fire he had just woken up from.
And now Edward Cullen could no longer even eat chocolate.
.
His whole existence was centered on blood.
The liquid gave him, like every other creature, life, though he possessed none of his own anymore.
It felt like cheating. Stealing another creatures life merely to sustain himself, a being that should have moved on long before.
It grated on his conscience and sometimes he felt as though his mind would snap with guilt.
He wondered if Carlisle became a doctor if only to give back some of the life he stole.
Yes, Edward and every other vampire needed blood to live.
But was he truly alive?
When a creature lived without life, how was it alive?
And when it came down to it, all Edward wanted was to live.
.
Stalking down a dark alley was easy.
He was silent and swift and invisible. His prey (filthy, disgusting monsters) were no match for his strength.
Before Edward had been reborn, he would have never dared to wander down a backstreet in the city after nightfall. He had been the son of a rich lawyer and, while he was tall and brave and a little impulsive (he never would've wanted to join the army with such a passion otherwise), he wasn't all that strong.
Now, no pathetic human could hurt him.
But that made him wonder: if he didn't feel fear was he severing his last ties to life?
Th lack of worry and adrenaline rushing through his body meant he had nothing to lose.
If he didn't even have his life to lose, what did he have?
.
Edward had never cared about his hair until he couldn't do anything with it. The damn copper locks were practically designed by fate to fall the exact same way no matter how much he brushed it.
His hair didn't grow or change colors anymore and, while it didn't make him angry, it did make him annoyed. He was still a teenager, despite what his 'family' sometimes thought and he wanted to at least be able to experiment with his hair a little!
He wasn't ever going to change - emotionally and physically he was the same forever. Even his hair.
God, eternity was boring.
.
If Edward concentrated hard enough, sometimes he could pretend that his heart was still pumping blood through his veins.
To be honest, it was no use pretending he was alive. Death was death even if it was only halfway.
Still, the longing for a warm, working heart sent a strange pull through his stomach.
Bella's heart still pumped. It fluttered and danced and beat out rhythms, showing just how alive she was.
"My heart beats faster only for you," She would whisper to him in the darkness of her room.
A man-boy with a wild heart (a working heart!) flashed through his mind and he thought about how much it hurt that the words weren't completely true.
Not being able to say it back hurt even more, he decided.
His dead heart lay still in his chest.
.
Considering the fact that his body temperature was comparable to an ice cube, it wasn't really logical for Edward to miss feeling cold. He should've wanted to be warm.
It was all in the wording though: he wanted to feel cold, not be cold.
Everything that was cold to humans was warm to him because he was so damn freezing.
He was ashamed of it but sometimes, when Bella was in a deep sleep, he would slide between the sheets and hold her (never breathing, just in case) for exactly fifteen minutes (he didn't think he would survive the guilt if she caught a cold). Then he would run downstairs to the kitchen and grab an icecube out of her freezer, hoping to feel the chill seep into his fingers and numb them.
If he could feel cold, it meant he was warm again.
.
~A Finale~
The snow danced with the wind as it floated gently down to the ground. Bella laughed brilliantly, spinning and twirling and stumbling in the white powder.
Just because she didn't like it didn't mean she couldn't enjoy it every so often, she'd informed Edward when he'd inquired wryly.
After watching for a moment, he joined the girl partly to make sure she didn't hurt herself and partly because she looked irresistible with her brown hair flying and her pink lips spread in a brilliant smile.
Edward closed his eyes and spun with her through the snow.
Yes, he wished that his heart was racing and his blood rushing with excitement. He wished that this fast paced dance didn't feel so slow to him. He wished that he could join Bella afterward and drink hot chocolate because he felt cold.
But, really, why focus on everything that he missed when he had everything that he wanted right with him, dancing in the snow.
Nugh, this didn't really turn out the way I wanted it to. And I had to omit 2 parts of this thing since they were so awful. Erg. That bothers me.
IMPORTANT!! So, I think that I would like to explain what I meant in that last line. This fic is meant to be somewhat chronological. When it says that all Edward wants is to be alive, it's before he's met Bella. Now, he has Bella and when he's with her, he can feel like he's alive again. And while he can't have everything he had while he was human, it doesn't really matter because he has Bella and he has life (or as close as he can get to it).
ALSO, Edward has always confused me a little because, sometimes he acts like all he wants to be is human again but at the same time he can insinuate that he thinks humans are beneath him. Not Bella of course, or the Quilluetes, I suppose, but humans in general. So that's why there's minor human bashing here.
ANYWAY, please please please review!! Pretty please?
I'll just hide from the flames that will be given to me over this now -.-"
~Twinkle