Beth Greene shifted uncomfortably in the plastic seat of the waiting room outside her therapist's office. This was her second stint at a self harm program in three years and her family was hoping it would be the last. Grady Hospital was in the city, far from her parent's farm but they were able to make visits on weekends. Her mother would bring baked goods or books Beth had asked for from the bookshelf in her room. It was awkward, sitting there in the tiny visiting room, her father's eyes so sad at the idea of his youngest daughter being prone to self harm. Every time they came to visit when they would leave, her father would hold onto her as if he'd never see her again, as if he'd already lost her.
"Daddy, I'm fine. Only have six more weeks of the program and then I'll be home."
"Promise me this will never happen again, Bethy. Breaks our hearts seeing you this way. I wish you'd let me help you somehow."
"I'm getting all the help I need. By the time I'm released the fall harvest will be over and we'll have all winter to spend time together. Okay?" She places a kiss on her father's cheek, trying to assure him in any way possible that this will be the last and final time she'll try to take her own life.
It wasn't that Beth hated her life or herself or anything in particular it was just something that she did. Something she had done when things become too much and her mind started to consume all her thoughts, swallowing her up and making her into someone she didn't recognize. Finding that release was always so prevalent, she never thought to question the reasoning behind it. During the 7th grade, Beth found herself slipping in and out of a sadness she couldn't contain. Feeling moody and angry. Hating everything that came out of her stupid brother's mouth. For the first time in her life nothing made sense to her for no particular reason. Maggie had told her the moods swings were just a side effect of puberty and in time she'd get used to it. For a while she believed that until she started her first period at fourteen.
After lunch Beth stopped by the girl's bathroom to wash her hands, apply a coat of chapstick and try to ignore the thoughts of the rest of the day nagging at her, school daunting as ever. The second she pulled down her panties and saw the blood, she knew exactly what had happened. Peeling off her underwear and wrapping the center with toilet paper she made a makeshift pad, saying a silent prayer it would hold together through the rest of the day. Of course on this particular day she had chosen to wear shorts. The remainder of the day she spent in silence as her friends talked and gossiped about boys, copying each other's notes and sharing gum. Beth wanted to open her mouth, wanted to tell them what had happened but she couldn't. Something about this made her feel like everything was falling apart just like she always knew it would.
She wouldn't talk to anyone but Maggie, crying any time her mother would try to talk to her about tampons or midol. Screaming for her to leave their room. Whatever her sister had assured her would even out over time hormone wise had only gotten worse.
"It gets better, I promise." Her sister cradled her head, pushing her hair back behind her hair. "Besides, now you'll get curves."
"Great. More bullshit to deal with. I'm not ready for this." Shaking her head, she wipes away tears with the back of her sweater. "Women get to carry around all of it, don't we?"
"Nobody is ever ready for it, Beth. You just have to deal with it."
"That's it? That's life? You just have to 'deal with it'?"
"Unfortunately that's just the way it is. You know I love you but I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. You're not a little girl anymore."
Surprised with her sister's blunt attitude, she pulls away, turning her head to her pillow. "You don't have to be mean about it."
"I'm not mean. You're overly sensitive. PMS or not. You always have been."
"That's it? That's life? I'm a cry baby? That's the life changing advice I get from my big sister?"
"What do you want me to say, Beth? You started your period. It's not the end of the world."
Hearing Maggie get up and close the door to her room, she feels a rush of anger, of heat fill through her body. Out of all the people who were supposed to understand her, be there for her and sympathize with her, she thought that she sister would be the one to tell her what she wanted to hear.
Later that weekend, Beth tended to her horse, Nellie, detaching the straps, freeing her from the restraints. Nellie, notoriously being nervous stepped back suddenly, releasing her head from bridle in her mouth. The heavy metal fell against Beth's wrist, leaving a dark, red mark. The second the impact of the metal hit her skin, she felt rush of release. This pain was not like what she had felt in her abdomen, the searing, gnawing pain inside her stomach, the aching in her back and legs. Something about this left her feeling light and airy, floating with the sting of the
Immediately, she wondered if this was the kind of thing people had talked about in health class, on those made for TV movies about kids from broken homes who cuts themselves because they were unhappy? The adrenaline pumping through her veins was a revelation, a revelation from the emotional torment of puberty. The weight of the world was no long on her shoulders. Looking from Nellie to her wrist for a moment, she savors the moment. Steadying herself against the hay bale behind her, she takes one hand and pushes it against the mark, wincing at the sweet sense of comfort.
"Did your last program have any job placement programs? Workshops?"
"No, I had only done outpatient before this. We only went for three hours a day, there wasn't really time for anything else."
"Well, at Grady we have several different options you can chose from. There's a courier training, secretarial work, library assistant…" He begins listing off a few more options but she's already decided on one.
"I might be interested in being a secretary. My Daddy would have me help him with filing and stuff sometimes for his work. Mostly for taxes and stuff."
"That's great. It starts out with a typing course. If that's something you want to do, that will have to take place of your recreation time on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Is that okay with you." Looking up from his chart, he smiles hopefully at her.
She nods her head several times. This place has been nothing but boring since the second she arrived. The nurse in charge of her ward was convinced she had an eating disorder at first because Beth found herself pacing the corridors bored out of her mind.
"Great. Well I'll make sure to add it to your file and schedule and you'll start next week."
"Do people who do the course end up getting a job right away?"
"Not too long after, usually. We'll get you set up with some interviews once you're released."
Beth immediately enjoyed the typing classes. They were learning on old fashioned typewriters from the 50s. A piece of cardstock covering the keys to avert her eyes.
"Now remember to try to keep your hands on the home keys. Technology has make us want to move around all over the place. I see some of you with those two fingers! No more of that!" The instructor walks about the room, yardstick in his hand.
Beth moves her fingers gracefully along the keys, eyes cast ahead on the paper in front of her. Biting her lip and her tongue, she concentrates carefully on each word, each letter, reciting them individually in her mind.
The flesh bores the opposite. The reflecting cable enlarges the convict. Why does the ethical rain respond under an advance? A thread bores a tame suffix. The demise closures the headache. Can the classic stagger near a fussy biography?
The instructor makes her way to Beth's table. "Very good. I'm impressed." She puts her hand on her shoulder, encouraging her to go on.
For the first time since entering treatment she's proud of herself. Excited about something other than finding a way to hide the pinch marks she'd given herself, resulting in a fussy nurse, accusing her of under eating again for trying to hide her body during bathroom time.
"You'll be able to find a job in no time. Any business would be happy to have you as a secretary."
The morning Beth was released from Grady, her parents had been an entire hour early. Waiting in the the lobby for her, they spoke with Dr. Edwards at length about her treatment and everything they needed to do to make sure she felt comfortable and safe at home. Wanting to put it all behind her, she said good bye to her nurses, her doctor, the couple of other girls she had met there in group. The ride home was quiet, her parents occasionally talking about the goings on of the farm, what Glenn and Maggie were up to.
Eager to get back to her own bed, as soon as they got out of the car, Beth made her way to her bedroom. Annette followed her up the stairs not long after, knocking on her door softly.
"Sweetheart, I hope you're not planning on going to bed early. Otis, Patricia, Maggie, and Glenn are coming for dinner. They're all so anxious to see you."
Opening the door quickly, she narrows her eyes at her mother. "Momma, I'm exhausted. I can't believe you'd have a bunch of people over here the day I get discharged."
"They're not 'a bunch of people', Beth. They're your family."
"It's just not what I was expecting. I wish you had told me before."
"It was supposed to be a surprise. A little welcome home?" Trying to understand her mother's gesture, she leans in for a hug.
"Okay. I'll come to dinner but please don't make a big deal out of anything."
"It's just a family dinner, honey. Your sister is dying to see you and I couldn't keep her waiting another day, okay?" She takes her daughter's face in her hands, kissing her forehead. "You've got time for a nap if you lay down now, okay? Set an alarm for an hour and if you're not up I'll come get you."
Nodding, she gives her mother a small smile, closing the door and pressing her back up against it, overwhelmed by the evening looming ahead of her.