Pen Pal
1991:
"Hey, Cas, you wanna be my pen pal?"
Dean grins brightly at the slightly older boy in front of him who hid himself in a quiet corner of the Winchesters' garden with a heavy book and ignored the grown-ups enjoying their barbecue party since the moment he arrived with his parents about an hour ago.
"What?" Castiel asks confused, apparently contemplating if he misheard Dean.
"Pen pal," Dean repeats, dropping onto the ground right next to the other boy. "You know, exchanging letters and that stuff."
"I know what it means," Castiel counters. "But … why?"
Dean shrugs and starts to pluck some blades of grass. "It's just … a stupid school project," he explains. "Our teacher thinks it'd be good for us or whatever. She wants us to talk to kids from different countries."
Castiel blinks. "I'm sitting right beside you," he reminds Dean as if he seriously believes the other may have not noticed that. "And I was born here. I grew up here."
"I know," Dean rolls his eyes. "But you're moving. I mean that what this party is all about, right?"
He points at their parents and a bunch of friends Dean never met before who all came to wish the Novaks farewell. Castiel's dad works for the Air Force ("That guy just loves to fly," John always says) and used to be a classmate of Dean's father. They never had much in common during their school time, but choosing a military career path obviously made them find some kind of connection. They're not exactly best buddies (Dean never met him before today), but they seem to care for each other and when John heard that the whole family would be transferred to Germany quite soon he activated their common friends and planned this little barbecue.
Dean hadn't been exactly happy about the idea to spend the better part of the day with a couple of grown-ups he didn't know, but the food was delicious and there would be a football match some time later a few of the attendees wanted to watch, so altogether it wasn't a total waste.
And when he noticed Castiel, sitting alone in the shadows, reading his book by himself, he just came up with his idea.
"So you want to be my pen pal because your teacher is forcing you to?" Castiel asks, frowning.
"Well … no," Dean says dismissively. "I mean, yeah, okay, maybe that's part of it. But she gave me a list with names of people I don't know and … I don't like writing to a stranger, y'know? What if they're crazy? What if they're boring?"
Castiel huffs. "You don't know me either, Dean."
"Yeah, alright," Dean admits. "But you seem like an okay guy. And when I tell my teacher I'll write a buddy in Germany, she'll be satisfied."
Castiel still doesn't seem convinced, but he's not running away either so Dean counts this as a semi-success.
"Just a few letters, alright?" Dean tries his puppy eyes and although he knows they're not as effective as Sammy's, they're not entirely useless. "Mrs. Jones wants us to write some of them during class, so it'd be stupid to spill my guts and never send it to someone, right? It doesn't have to be for long."
"So if it doesn't mean anything to you, why don't you just pick a random person from your teacher's lists, write them a few times and that would be it?"
Quite a good question, Dean has to admit. Of course Castiel isn't wrong and a part of himself already wondered why he made the effort to speak to this boy in the first place. Castiel is practically a stranger anyway, so it wouldn't make much of a difference. He could choose someone who is actually willing to do this and leave it with that.
But still … there is just something about Castiel.
"Aw, c'mon, dude," Dean urges. "Maybe I can convince my dad to tell me some embarrassing stories about yours and I could write you afterwards. Sounds like fun, right?"
Castiel bites his bottom lip, a tiny bit intrigued now. "Well, alright then. If it keeps you from annoying me for the rest of the day."
Dean grins broadly at him. "That's great. Thanks, Cas."
Later at night after all the guest are gone and they're almost finished with the clean up Dean tells his parents about his plans. John seems a bit surprised, but doesn't comment on it, and Mary smiles warmly.
"Oh, honey, that's nice," she says. "I had a pen pal once too. She was a good childhood friend for a long time and even today I wonder sometimes what she's up to. You will love it."
Dean just grins, not having the heart to tell her that he intends to let all of this die within a few weeks.
x
1993:
Somehow Dean's plan didn't work out.
He just wanted to keep the whole thing to a minimum and then vanish into thin air. And at first it looked quite promising since he learned that the two of them didn't have much in common. Different taste in movies, books and music made it hard to tolerate the guy at all. Castiel never heard of Led Zeppelin before and he felt no urge to watch some classics like Stars Wars or Back to the Future. Dean saw himself bored to death rather quickly and he was actually quite happy about that since then it wouldn't feel bad to break up the contact.
But then Dean somehow managed to convince Castiel to watch some Star Trek and afterwards he ranted about the movies in his letters without an end. Dean on the other hand listened to some of the music Castiel suggested and it didn't turn out as bad as he thought.
And so the letters didn't stop.
Rather soon they became really personal as well. Dean told Castiel things he didn't entrust with another soul. He tried to convince himself at first that he just did that because Castiel was far away and couldn't spill this to anyone important in Dean's life. But quickly he realized that he wanted to tell Castiel.
That he wasn't just a pen pal anymore but became a friend somehow along the way.
How the hell did that happen?
"You've got another letter from Castiel, sweetie," Mary informs him when he's just through to the door.
Dean can't keep that stupid smile off of his face. He had a really bad day at school and that's exactly the distraction he needs.
"Awesome," he says, grabbing the envelope before his little brother is able to get his sneaky fingers on it first.
"You know, it's great that you still stay in contact," Mary tells him. "Castiel's father told John the other day that Castiel always seems so happy when one of your letters arrives."
Dean starts to blush and he's got honestly no idea why. "We … we're friends."
"And I'm happy for both of you." Mary drops a kiss onto his cheek and Dean lets her. "And who knows, maybe one day you'll see each other again."
Dean seriously doubts that because Castiel seems rather happy and content in Germany and already talked about staying there even after graduation.
"Yeah," he says nonetheless. "Maybe during the holidays or something."
Because in the end this pen pal friendship is all they're ever going to have.
x
1996:
"Hey, Cas,
I think I like both girls and boys.
Dean."
It's the shortest letter he's ever written before, but Dean doesn't know what else to say. That he feels insecure about the whole thing? That he doesn't know how to tell his parents, his friends? That he fears he's gonna be shunned in school and even outside of it?
Dean is certain he doesn't need to write this because Castiel already knows somehow. He always knows somehow.
His reply is quick so that Dean assumes he wrote it the second he got the letter and rushed to the next mailbox as soon as he finished it.
"Hello, Dean,
there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I myself have some doubts about my sexual orientation as well. I think I don't really care about gender either, a strong connection is much more important to me.
And I know you're afraid of telling anyone. I am too. But your parents will love you, no matter what. Maybe they will even see it coming with the way you're talking about Han Solo. And your friends at school … well, graduation isn't that far away, so screw them if they should say anything against it!"
Dean snorts loudly. It's utterly rare that Castiel swears, he didn't expect that.
"Your biggest problem is probably going to be Sam. He will tease you, but try to be supportive at the same time and by the end of the week you'll most likely kill him.
I already send my condolences and I hope I will be invited to the funeral."
Dean's grin nearly splits his face.
God, he loves that guy.
x
1997:
At his graduation Dean feels downright relieved to leave this stupid pack of students and teachers behind and look into a better future.
But at the same time he wishes that Castiel could have been at his side.
x
1999:
College is hard and a fucking mess and Dean loves every second of it.
At first he hadn't been sure if he should attend in the first place since a solid place in John's garage was waiting for him after he graduated. But Sam insisted vehemently and their mom joined him as well so Dean decided to give a try. And he doesn't regret it one bit.
Sure, it's a lot of work, but the thought of one day creating something new and innovative with his engineering degree propels him forward.
Castiel decided to study law at a German university.
"I don't want to be an attorney someday, making a lot of money and forgetting what is right and what is wrong. I want to help people. Maybe as a legal adviser for a non-profit practice or a charity organization. Just something meaningful.
Like you. One day you will perhaps create something groundbreaking that will help save the planet. There is so much you could do."
And Dean never felt more proud of the way he chose to go.
x
2007:
It's a Thursday morning in May when Dean realizes he may be a little bit in love with Castiel.
Due to modern advancement they switched to e-mails a few years ago (although Castiel insists that he still wants to get some handwritten letters as well) so they can write each other more often and react much more quicker than they used to. So when Dean read his friend's newest message that morning he wants to write back immediately and trash his computer at the same time.
"I met someone. I think it might get serious."
Dean should feel happy for the guy, right? He should say that he's glad Castiel found someone and ask a million questions about this mysterious other man.
But all he wants is to scream.
He feels – ugly, hideous - jealousy growing inside of him and he can't make it stop although it's stupid and pointless since Castiel lives on a freaking different continent and there is no way they could make anything remotely more than friendship work with the lives they have.
Nonetheless Dean's brain doesn't care about logic.
So he stays moody for a few weeks, annoying and confusing the people around him. When they ask him about his bitchy attitude he just glares at them until they back off and bother someone else.
Sam is the only who isn't impressed by this.
"Is it work?" he demands to know.
"No," Dean snaps.
"Mom or Dad?"
"No."
"Me?"
"Right now, yes. Generally, no."
"Is it some girl or some guy?"
Dean keeps quiet and like that he gives Sam the answer he desires.
"So, wanna talk about it?"
"No."
Sam rolls his eyes exasperatedly. "Have you talked with Cas about this? I know you guys tell each other everything."
"Sam ..."
"You even told him about that rash on your -"
"Oh damn, dude, shut up!"
"I'm just saying you have no boundaries," Sam clarifies. "And I know you feel better after talking to him."
"I don't need to run into his arms and cry on his shoulder every single time."
Sam eyes him pensively. "The whole thing is about Cas, right?"
Dean flinches involuntarily. His brother knows him way too well. "Maybe ..." he admits since there is no denying it when Sam smelled a bone. "He … he met someone."
Sam looks sympathetic and Dean really hates to see that on his face. "I'm sorry, Dean," he says, sounding absolutely sincere. For a second Dean even fears that Sam will hug him tightly while whispering into his brother's ear that everything's gonna be alright rather sooner than later. "But maybe this is for the best."
Dean huffs. "Yeah."
"You can move on and look out for yourself," Sam suggests. "I know, you're not the best at relationships, but this thing with Cassie worked quite well for some time, right?"
Dean grimaces. Now he's talking about Cassie too?
"I'm just saying -"
"Yeah, yeah," Dean interjects, waving him off. "I'm just … a bit ridiculous right now, okay? I'll get over it."
"Then hurry up before Jo murders you because of all your frigging moping."
Dean slaps his brother's shoulder, but there's no heat in it.
And two days later Dean's mood improves remarkably when he finds a mail by Castiel telling him that the whole thing with this "special someone" has been a bust.
"Balthazar is a great guy, but we realized that we're better off as friends. And I actually quite like it this way."
And Dean can't keep himself from smiling until his phone starts to ring twenty minutes later.
It's Castiel.
Dean stares at the screen dumbfounded. They exchanged phone numbers years ago, but they barely use them. Just when they're stuck somewhere, bored out of their minds and feel the urge to send some quick text messages. Or when there is something rather urgent happening and they want to other to know asap.
But never once did they use their phone for actually talking with each other.
In retrospective it's overall stupid, but they have been pen pals for so long they just stuck to the known. They didn't want to interfere with the status quo.
Well, since now apparently.
Before he knows what he's doing Dean presses a button and says, "Hey, Cas."
"Hello, Dean."
Holy hell, that voice!
Dean seriously didn't expect that. He's fairly aware that Castiel is a grown-ass guy now (they share pictures of themselves and their families and friends on a regular basis), but he honestly wasn't prepared for something like this.
"Well … it's good to hear from you," Dean says after Castiel stays quiet longer than it's actually polite for a phone conversation. "What's up?"
Castiel chuckles and it sounds genuinely amazing. "You don't need to force yourself to act casual, it really doesn't work. I know as well as you that it's the first time we speak to each other since 1991."
"1991?" Dean snorts. "Boy, it feels like yesterday."
"It sure does."
"So, how are you?"
"I'm great, thank you."
"Even with the whole … well, Balthazar thing?" Dean feels kinda uncomfortable all of a sudden, but he really needs to know if Castiel is okay or not.
"I'm fine, Dean," Castiel promises. "In hindsight it was rather foolish of me to think there could be more between us. He likes to flirt and play and I … well, not."
Dean shrugs. "His loss, man."
Castiel doesn't sound upset in the least and so Dean is able to draw in a relieved breath. Sure, he wasn't happy about the whole situation, but Castiel's happiness is more important than anything else. If he had told Dean that he wanted to move in with Balthazar, marry him someday and raise a few kids, Dean would have been glad. Heartbroken, but glad.
"It's really good to hear your voice," Castiel states, his voice warm. "Why didn't we do this sooner?"
"I dunno," Dean answers. "Habit, I suppose."
"Then maybe we should make phone calls a habit as well."
And so they did.
x
2011:
"I'm so sorry, Dean."
Castiel's voice is a comfort on this rainy afternoon. Dean walks toward the window, watches the gray sky and wonders how he should feel right now. He seriously doesn't know.
"Well, yeah … Lisa and I weren't meant to be."
It's been two days since they split up for good. And Dean doesn't even feel sad exactly, more like numb.
He felt it when he looked at his mom's face after he broke the news to her. She obviously already chose some china in her mind for their potential wedding and Dean felt worse killing her dream than the whole break-up with Lisa. And he felt it when Sam embraced him for one minute and twenty-six seconds, never letting go once.
"I think ..." Dean takes a deep breath. "I think the last few months I just stayed for Ben. And that's a really awful thing to say because Lisa is seriously amazing and she doesn't deserve this."
"Dean, it's okay."
"No, it's not," Dean protests. "I'm a dick."
"Why?" Castiel asks. "Because you cared for her son as if he was your own? Because you didn't work out in the end by no one's fault? Things like that happen all the time. You don't need to blame yourself. I'm sure Lisa doesn't."
Dean smiles weakly and doesn't respond. He doesn't need to since Castiel seems to always know what he thinks.
Right now he feels like an utter failure. For a short while he actually thought he had it all figured out. A house in the suburbs, an awesome woman, a great kid. Pancakes with smiley faces in the morning and soccer practice every other weekend.
But rather sooner then later he realized that it didn't feel right. It seemed more like an escape than a solution. Dean tried to ignore it at first, hoping desperately that it'd go away someday, but it only got worse and in the end Lisa and him both decided that this life together wasn't meant for them.
"I have some news that may cheer you up," Castiel suddenly changes the subject.
Dean listens up. "Yeah?"
"I was planning my vacation today and I booked a ticket to the States," Castiel announces, his smile evident in his voice. "I hope you don't mind my temporary company in a few months."
Dean grins brightly. "Of course not, man."
Although the term "temporary" stingsa bit.
For a few years now they were trying to meet up, but somehow a higher power always seemed to intervene. They never managed to match up their schedules for some reason, be it either work related stuff or the long sickness of Castiel's mom that kept him from traveling at all.
As if fate was keeping them apart.
So when Castiel tells him two weeks later that he sadly needed to cancel his trip since his brother decided to get married at the exact same time, Dean isn't even surprised.
Maybe it's for the best.
Because spending time with Castiel for a short time before saying goodbye to him is probably far worse than never meeting him at all.
x
2016:
When Dean opens his e-mail-account and reads Castiel's newest message with the subject heading "I'm not sure we can be pen pals anymore", Dean freezes up at the spot.
What?
Frantically he starts to wonder if he maybe said something offensive the last time they spoke so that Castiel decided to call it quits, but after some thinking Dean remembers that all he did was talking about Sam's hair cut and some new parts for the Impala.
Maybe a bit boring, but seriously not bad.
He opens the message instantly and feels himself relax after reading the first words:
"Please don't freak out because of the header, it just popped up in my head ;)
It's just that I'm not certain we're able to remain pen pals since in a few months we're going to be neighbors. Well, not actual neighbors – I won't occupy the house next to yours –, but my company is opening a new office in a town not far from yours (40 minutes, to be exact – yes, I looked it up already) and I couldn't say no when they offered me a job there."
Dean stares incredulously at the screen, shell-shocked.
Is this happening?
Is this really happening?
Hastily he grabs his phone and dials Castiel's number, exclaiming, "Are you kidding me?" as soon as his friend picks up.
Castiel chuckles amused. "I can assure you, I'm not kidding you."
Dean's heart races like crazy and he can't keep the stupid grin off of his face. "You're seriously moving here?"
"It felt more than a coincidence when my boss offered me this job," Castiel explains. "It only was right to say yes."
Dean takes a deep breath and tries forcefully to control the thousand different thoughts in his head. He never believed something like this would happen, never dared to dream about it and a tiny part of himself is afraid that it would turn out like any other time when they made plans and were screwed over by destiny.
But mostly he feels elated. Thrilled.
Because deep down he just knows that they would make it work right this time.
Dean manages to stay calm and collected for about ten minutes after they ended their phone call before he rushes out of the door and drives over to Sam's house.
"You'll never guess what just happened," Dean calls, storming into the kitchen and not bothering with knocking or anything. "And by the way, you really need to lock your door. Anyone could come in."
Sam, sitting in front of a delicious looking sandwich, rolls his eyes. "Anyone just did," he says. "So, what's up? Why are you acting like a child on their first day of preschool?"
Dean is far too happy to take any offense. "Cas is coming here," he announces, grinning like a goddamned maniac.
Sam lifts his eyebrows, obviously pleased. "Really? That's great. How long is he gonna stay?"
"Uh, hopefully forever," Dean answers, feeling a bit sheepish.
Sam blinks. "What?"
"He's moving here, Sammy," Dean clarifies. "His company gave him a new job here and it's not that far away ..."
Suddenly Sam leaps to his feet and pulls his brother into a bone-crushing hug. "Oh damn, that's awesome!"
"Yeah, yeah," Dean says, clapping Sam's back and trying not to suffocate.
"When will he come?" Sam asks excitedly after he puts some distance between them again. "And please tell me you're planning to make a move on him. Because I'm fairly sure I won't survive all the freaking pining any longer."
Dean rolls his eyes, but he can't bring himself to be mad about that. "I will, alright?" he promises, trying to suppress a giddy grin and failing miserably. "I'll give him some time to settle in with the new job and the whole new life and then … well, I could ask him out for a coffee or something."
Sam scoffs. "At your rate you could already propose and adopt a cute puppy and it wouldn't be too soon."
Dean punches his brother's arm and grumbles underneath his breath, but surprisingly enough the thought doesn't make him run as it normally would. On the contrary, he can't wait for Castiel to arrive so they would finally be able to start something new.
x
0-0-0-0-0-0-0
x
The pictures Castiel sent Dean of himself over the years didn't do him justice at all.
At least that's the first thing that runs through Dean's head when he finally spots his friend at the airport, pulling a bright-yellow suitcase and letting his eyes roam over the mass of people around him.
His hair and clothes are rumpled, he looks tired and exhausted, but he's still the most gorgeous man Dean ever encountered. Even from a distance his eyes shine almost supernaturally, so damned intense, as if he's an otherworldly being who graces humankind with a visit before returning back to heaven.
And once again Dean thanks everyone who wants to listen that he walked over to Castiel more than two decades ago and changed their lives forever without even realizing it.
Dean steps towards his friend in a daze and says, a bit croaky, "Hey, Cas."
Castiel turns around, the exhaustion around his stunning eyes (which are actually really hypnotizing close-up) vanishing in an instant.
"Dean," he whispers and he sounds so goddamned relieved as if till this moment he strongly believed that fate would interfere once again and keep them apart.
And well, Dean can't really blame him for thinking that.
But before he's capable to say something funny and witty to loosen the mood he suddenly has got an armful of Castiel and he loses his ability to speak immediately.
God, even after hours crammed in a flying tin can Castiel smells freaking amazing!
"I can't believe I'm finally here," Castiel breaths into Dean's ear and Dean can't suppress a delightful shiver. He feels like a damned teenager again, butterflies in his tummy and each touch new and absolutely exciting. He pulls Castiel closer, presses his nose against his friend's temple and doesn't give a damn that he's maybe breaking some personal space rules right now since Castiel obviously doesn't object.
"How … how was your flight?" There are a thousand questions Dean meant to ask and of course at this moment he only could remember the lamest one.
But Castiel doesn't seem to mind. He starts to rant about delays, overworked flight attendants and a little boy who entertained several rows with his laughter and his charm. Even when they start to move he doesn't shut up and Dean starts to wonder if he's always been that talkative before and Dean didn't notice that or if he's just excited and maybe a bit nervous and tries to cover this up with his rambling somehow.
Either way, Dean doesn't care because the guy is utterly perfect, talking animatedly with his hands and sometimes his body, a beautiful flush on his cheeks.
"So, where to first?" Dean asks after Castiel finally took some time to gasp for breath.
"I probably should go to my apartment first," Castiel says. "I'm quite glad my company offered it to me, especially furnished and everything, so I didn't need look for myself. A few of my things already arrived there yesterday, so I'll need some time to unpack. And a grocery run would be wise, I guess."
Dean chuckles. "Yeah, you bet." He smiles easily. "How about we grab something to eat first? I know an awesome pizza joint near your place."
There is something glinting in Castiel's eyes. "You looked up where I live?"
Dean ducks his head to hide his blush. "Well, yeah," he admits. "I … I like to be prepared, you know."
Castiel suddenly stops right next to a colorful gift shop, watching Dean intently. "I planned to wait," he announces.
Dean frowns, confused. "What?"
"I wanted to wait," Castiel repeats. "I mean, there are so many things to be done. It takes some time to settle down and I promised myself that I would do this right. But you …"
Dean blinks. "Me?"
"You have to be so beautiful!"
Dean stares at him for a second in disbelief before his eyes widen. "Um … what?"
"I promised myself," Castiel continues, once again rambling like before. "I really did. But the moment I saw you all of that didn't matter anymore. And that's seriously not me, I'm an organized person and like to make plans. I'm the opposite of spontaneous." Suddenly the distance between them decreases spectacularly. "But then there is you, so gorgeous … so please, don't tell me I've misinterpreted everything we said and wrote to each other because I can be utterly dense sometime and though I sought my brother's advice on this that bastard can't be trusted 80% of the time …" He takes a deep breath. "I'm just …"
Dean's heart is thumbing wildly in his chest and for a fucking eternity he isn't able to answer. But when Castiel's face starts to fall, obviously thinking that Dean is searching for a polite way to reject him, he whispers, "Can I kiss you?"
Castiel gapes at him surprised, apparently not expecting something like this, before he nods with dazed eyes.
And so Dean leans in.
He tried to tell himself beforehand he shouldn't expect too much. Since he was dreaming about kissing the guy for so fucking long he was predestined for disappointment if he would await fireworks or whatever. So he settled for some realistic goals.
But now he realizes he shouldn't have bothered.
Admittedly, there is no firework, but Dean seriously doesn't need one. Instead he gets soft lips that fit perfectly with his, fingers running through his hair, making him almost purr like a kitten, and a body pressed to his until there is no air between them. He feels warm and safe and so freaking amazing.
And with the first brush of their tongues Dean's stomach starts to flutter like crazy, making him dizzy and hungry for more. Heat starts to boil inside of him and Dean isn't sure if he felt something intense like this ever before.
"We didn't even manage to leave the airport," Castiel realizes amused after they need to part to fill their lungs with some oxygen again. But he didn't go very far, merely inches are separating their faces.
Dean laughs softly. "I can't bring myself to feel ashamed."
"Me neither."
Their lips meet once again, obviously incapable of being without one another for long. Dean doesn't know how long they kiss, soft and sweet and unhurried, but he's more than sure that he's already seriously addicted.
"I really need to thank Mrs. Jones," Dean says after some time, nuzzling Castiel's temple and feeling utterly content.
"Who?" Castiel asks bewildered.
"The teacher who started that pen pal project," Dean explains, smiling slightly. "Without her we wouldn't be here."
Castiel pulls back a bit, his eyes watching Dean lively. "I think I've never been so grateful for a teacher before."
Dean chuckles and presses a soft kiss to the corner of Castiel's mouth, feeling warm and happy.
He couldn't agree more.
x
0-0-0-0-0-0-0
x
It's a rainy Thursday morning when a messenger appears on Margret Jones' front porch, a beautiful bunch of flowers in his hands.
Attached to it is a note, saying, "Thank you so much for changing our lives. – Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak."
And although it's been so many years Margret's memory never failed her and quite quickly she recalls an energetic young boy who talked proudly about his little brother and later on about his pen pal who obviously became one of his best friends pretty soon.
Margret smiles softly and puts the flowers into some fresh water.
And when she receives another bouquet of flowers, even more beautiful than the first one, about ten months later, along with a wedding invitation, she instantly marks the date in her calendar and joyously starts to write her long lasting pen pal about her former student.