Disclaimer: I do not own Animal House.

This was originally just one rather large oneshot, but I decided to split it up into three chapters so it would be a little easier on the readers' brains, and so it could be on the front page more (I could therefore whore for more attention for my fanfics yet again).

So yeah... looks like I'm consistently the only one writing Animal House fanfiction. Not that this will ever stop me. Okay? I better not hear your flames making fun of this fact. You can make fun of everything else, but at least make it a little bit of a shock to my system.

Oh, and one more thing that I think I am going to reiterate later: this humor is kinda different than the movie. It's a little more... cartoonish and... jerky, maybe? I don't how to describe it.

Anyways, I'll shut up and now. Enjoy it (pfft).

--

"What are you doing?!" Otter asked Boon, staring at the newspaper in his hand in disgust. "Reading the paper? When have you ever read the paper?"

Boon shrank back into the secondhand couch in the Delta House living room. "It's not my fault! Katy's making me do this!" He was whining.

"What part are you reading?"

Boon's face dropped and he looked to the side in shame.

"Come on. Tell me what you're reading."

"No! Never!"

"Give me that!" He grabbed it away.

"Nooooooo!"

"EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW."

--

"A job?!" Bluto shouted in utter anger and disgust. "What, we're not good enough for you?"

Boon held the Help Wanted section protectively to his chest. "No, no, it's not that! Really! It has nothing to do with-"

"OH! You need cash? Or something else?" Bluto looked suddenly understanding. "Oh, hey, that's different. Later on we'll go shopping at Omega House and-"

"No, it's not about- well, it kind of is, but I'm not the one who came up with the idea."

"You said Katy came up with the idea," Otter looked triumphant. He was spreading word of Boon's job hunt all over the house. "Did you know the average Boon is only allowed to think for himself twice a day?"

Boon's mouth dropped in shock. "That… that was unnecessary."

"So your girl actually wants you to get a job?" D-Day was flipping through the Classifieds, but he was actually searching for ads for weaponry and cheap Swiss whores. "Yech, why?"

"I'm not entirely sure. She said we should start saving up money. I mean, I'm broke, but she's not. I don't know why she thinks she needs money… she said she highlighted job listings in there that she thinks I should specially consider. What's highlighted?"

D-Day opened it up for him to see. "Just this one at a daycare." He laughed as he said it.

"What's a daycare?" asked another Delta who had come into the kitchen to get a beer. He didn't care enough to stay for the answer.

"A daycare?! What do I know about kids?" Boon grabbed the paper as if it had personally insulted him and inspected the ad. "Yeah! This is some weird job for me to go over and wipe noses! Why would I do that? Is the pay outrageous or something? ... No, it's totally ordinary!"

"I can't even remember the last time I saw a kid," Bluto said. He took a swig of his third beer that morning. "Of course, I can't remember what we did yesterday."

"Hey guys! Whatcha doin'?" Flounder's annoying morning person voice interrupted their meaningful conversation.

"Job hunting," Otter answered.

"Drinking!" Another Delta said.

"Realizing my girlfriend of a long amount of time actually doesn't know anything about me," Boon was still staring at the job offer.

"I already have a job!" Flounder said, still smiling with innocent cheerfulness. "Over at that fast food place. I just applied a few days ago. I start today, in fact! It should be fun."

"Hey, wait, what do you do over there?" Bluto asked, curiosity appearing out of nowhere.

"Well, I take orders, and I put meals together for people. I answer customers' questions, sometimes I mop the floors and clear the tables, and I tell the homeless guys to go away."

"… Do you get free food?"

"Well, you can't just eat food for free," He laughed a little, the laugh of the naive. "But I guess you could get an employee discount."

"When are you going to work?"

He checked his watch. "In a couple hours. It's still pretty early."

"… How about I go with you? To check out your job?"

"Oh boy! That'd be great!" This filled Flounder with joy; imagine! One of his friends coming to offer support for his aspirations! (Not that the fast food business was his dream job, but it's still pretty cool to have someone come along.)

Otter, tired of not being a focal point of the dialogue, reached over Boon's shoulder and tapped his finger on an ad in the paper. "Hey, look, an ad for yard work. Well, that's plenty simple. Mowing lawns, pulling weeds, pretty easy. I could do that. And the address doesn't sound too far from here. What's our address anyway?"

"No clue."

"I'll ask Hoover. Hoover!"

Hoover came in with a spring in his step. Obviously another morning person. Where do these people come from, anyway? "Good morning, Otter, everybody! Wow, I see we're up early! Oh, wow, a little early to be drinking, isn't it, Bluto?" He looked at the paper. "Oh! You guys are looking for jobs? That's really responsible of you. I'm impressed! And proud! What are you considering?"

"Yard work," Otter rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"The fast food business!" Flounder exclaimed.

"Free food!" Bluto shouted, despite this not being a job.

"Daycare…"

"Sleeping!" Pinto said angrily from the doorway. He stomped away.

"Pinto will be coming with us," Bluto stated.

"Yay!!" Flounder was overjoyed.

"I can't get a job, I've got an appointment," D-Day laughed as he looked at the paper and wrote the down the number under the ad entitled Sonja Make Happy!

"I have some work to catch up on, actually, I'll stay here!" Hoover started for a beer. (He usually wasn't one for drinking in the morning, but they were almost gone.)

"Aw, come on, Hoover! It's the weekend!" Otter said. "Besides, you will never, ever be totally caught up."

"Being caught up on your work is actually a myth." Boon supported him.

"Never happened!"

"And never will!"

"Cut it out, you guys. Even if I don't get much work done, I never just hang out inside Delta House on Saturdays. I'm sure it will be fun." Hoover opened the bottle.

"It'll only be fun if you don't participate in the satanic rituals," Boon warned. "Careful. They always make whoever's newest to the ritual group clean up the sacrificial blood splatters."

"Very funny…"

"And D-Day's in charge of catching the squirrels they're going to use."

"Huh what? Quiet, this is a really important call!" D-Day called out from where he was off in the corner on the kitchen phone.