What Hurts The Most
Hey guys! This is chapter one of What Hurt's the Most. It takes place in season 6 sometime. Chandler was planning on proposing, but never did. He didn't tell any of the friends about it. Richard did show up at the restaurant, thus making Chandler try to throw Monica off by making her believe he hated marriage, but he never revealed his feelings for her.
I have a pretty good idea where I want this story to go, so let me know if ya like it. Cause if you do I'll continue! Thanks!
Like We Never Loved At All
"Mon pick up it's me… hey you there? If you are pick up! Listen I know that you aren't leaving for New York until Saturday and you're probably working all the time until then, but I need you to call the caterer, they screwed up the head count, and for some think we ordered steak burgers for the entrée. I need your help! You know I have a hard time understanding foreigners on the phone. Anyway, can't wait to see you! Everyone is excited to see you… yes even Mom. Call me when you get this. I love you. Bye."
Monica signed as she stared at the blinking light from her answering machine-- Only two more days until she'd be back in New York. She haphazardly tossed her keys on the table next to the couch and sank into its cushions. Her hands went immediately to her temples as she tried to rid herself of the headache she felt coming on. She had been living in Chicago for almost four years now, and had convinced herself that her life there was better then it ever was in New York. She was working at an extremely upscale restaurant on the north side, had great friends, and a terrific boyfriend. Her life was great.
"Hey honey, what are you doing home so early? I thought you had to work all day." Monica looked up as James walked in the door.
"Yeah I finished next weeks menus early so I took the rest of the day off." She explained as rose to meet him and she greeted him with a kiss.
"Lucky me." He said into her hair. "Since you have the night off, why don't we order-in, maybe rent a movie or something," he suggested.
"That sounds great, but I still have a lot of packing to do."
"Oh… okay," he said trying not to sound disappointed. "Well how about you finish packing tonight, and tomorrow, since it's your last night in town we go out for a nice dinner together?"
Monica smiled against his lips then slightly pulled away from his embrace.
"That would be perfect."
"Great. Well I'm going to go on down to Jack's. The game is on, and I told Paul I'd meet him down there for a little while. Plus, that way you have no distractions; I know how much you hate to pack. "
Monica sank back down into the couch as soon as he left, her hands once again returning to her aching head. She reached over and hit the play button on the answering machine. She had already heard Ross' message, she was walking in when he called. She listened to the message again, this time only half listening. She hit the delete button after it finished playing and picked up the receiver to dial the caterer. After seven rings, and no answer she hung up. She knew she should call her bother but she really wasn't in the mood to plan or organize anything. She smiled sadly when she thought back to when she loved to do those things. She would drive her friends absolutely crazy, paying attention to every last detail. Joey had often referred to it as "CC Mode," which meant crazy and controlling. She glanced over at the numerous water bottles and bowl of old popcorn, from three days ago, that laid on the coffee table, and her boyfriend's dirty boots, still caked with mud from a job sight, resting on the off-white carpet. That would have sent her over the edge years ago. She probably would have lost sleep over the bottles alone.
The reality was that part of her had died a long time ago. As soon as her plane landed in Chicago she was a completely different person. She had to change, because everything she did, thought, and saw reminded her of her old life, a life that towards the end was full of pain and sadness. She didn't want to remember or think about it anymore, and she had actually managed to do that; well until she found out that Ross and Rachel were getting married. She was so shocked when she heard the news and even more so when Rachel insisted she be her Maid of Honor, she actually fell off the bed. So for the past seven months she had been planning their wedding from Chicago. Even though the wedding was still three weeks away Rachel insisted, and eventually Monica agreed that she would fly out and stay the remaining three weeks with her best friend and brother to tie everything together before the big day.
She stood and walked into her bedroom, stepping over the pile of clothes that lay in the middle of the floor, and opened her closet. She might as well start packing, or she knew it would never get done. She opened up her suitcase and started to throw miscellaneous tops and skirts in it.
"This is going to be a long night."
She sat on the bed hours later exhausted. She had forgotten how much work it was to pack, especially for three weeks. She grabbed a duffle bag from the floor and started to fill it with shoes, when something caught her eye. She looked at the small brown and white box with a sad smile. It had been ages since she had seen it, and even longer since she'd open it. She cautiously walked over kneeling beside it, almost afraid of what was inside of it, even though she knew perfectly well what it's contents were. She sat down next to it silently debating with herself if she really wanted to open up a can of worms by actually allowing herself to remember.
"Screw it." She said and carefully lifted the top from the box. Her hands went immediately to the photos inside. She riffled through a few of them before coming to the one on the bottom, which she had purposely put there. She smiled at the two people smiling back at her, their arms wrapped tightly around the other, both not even paying attention to the camera. They were just staring at each other, with wide grins and eyes so full of love. Monica could feel her stomach turning into knots and soon after tears filled her eyes.
"How did we let it slip away?" She wondered silently.
She could feel his name tugging at her lips. She swallowed hard. She hadn't said it out loud of years.
"Hey babe, what are you looking at?" She froze when she heard her James' voice behind her. He knew little about her life in New York, and was always skeptical when she seemed to want to avoid the subject completely.
Monica quickly slid the picture under the others and pulled one from the top.
"Oh I was just looking at some pictures of my friends from New York."
It wasn't really a lie; he was her friend. Key word was. They hadn't spoken in years.
"Oh really… would you mind if I took a look with you?" She smiled hesitantly before allowing him to sit next to her.
"OK now who's who?" he asked studying the picture she held in her hands.
"Well you know my brother Ross," she said pointing to her brother and then Rachel. "This is Rachel. That there is Phoebe and Joey is standing there behind the couch."
"Yeah I know about them. I heard you mention them when you were talking to Rachel the other day. Who's that?" he asked pointing to the man who was standing with his arms around Monica.
"That's me!" she exclaimed, knowing who he was really talking
"No, Mon, I know that's you, hello. I meant the guy standing behind you."
"I've never told you about him before?" she knew very well that she hadn't as much as uttered his name to anyone in the last four years.
"Nooooo, I would have remembered. You've told me a little about your friends, but I don't remember him.
Just then the phone rang. Monica jumped up eagerly to answer it.
"Hello"
"Hey Mon, it's Rach.
"Oh hey, I called the caterer, everything is in order," she lied. She would call them in the morning. It wasn't worth worrying Rachel over. She watched as her boyfriend left the room to give her some privacy.
"That's great Mon, thanks! We've got so much to do when you get here."
Monica half listened to her friend chattering like monkey for the next twenty minutes about hair appointments and dress fittings. Her mind was somewhere else. She wasn't sure if it was because she was going back to New York, or the picture from earlier, but she couldn't get him, or the life they had shared out of her mind.
"Mon… Mon are you there? Hello Monica!"
"Oh sorry Rach, I just got sidetracked, that's all."
"Oh," Rachel said smiling. "It wouldn't be because of that handsome man that's living with you is it?
"NO!" Monica half screamed into the phone.
"Whoa, calm down Mon, I was only kidding around."
"Sorry Rach, I've just got a lot on my mind that's all.
"Okay well I'll let you go then, I'm meeting the gang at the coffee house anyways."
"Okay." Monica muttered into the phone.
"I can't wait to see you Monica, it's been so long."
"I know, me too Rach."
"We're all so excited to spend time with you..."
'Everyone?" She thought, but to damn scared to let it leave her mouth.
She quickly said goodbye to her friend and walked over to the box still lying on the floor. She quickly shoved the pictures back inside it, and tossed it onto the highest shelf, away from anyone's eyes. That was a part or her that she needed to forget about for everyone's sake, not just her own. People could get hurt if she did, and that was the last thing she wanted. She had already hurt them enough when she left; she wasn't going to let that happen ever again.
Monica slowly made her way through the bustle of the airport. Flying in on a Saturday was not a wise choice. Her flight had been delayed two hours at O'Hare and had circled JFK for forty-five minutes before they were allowed to land. All she wanted was to take a long hot bath. She made her way through the usual crowd that surrounded her gate, and took a seat on a bench next to the baggage claim. Ross was supposed to pick her up, but because her flight had been delayed, he had left her a message saying one of them, probably Joey would be there to pick her up.
She couldn't believe she was actually in New York. She thought it would be a little strange, coming back to the very place she ran from. She remembered coming there the night she had left, the night that changed everything. She closed her eyes, trying to keep the memories from flooding her mind, but it was useless. Her hands made their way to her head, in their usual attempt to rid her of the splitting headache she had already. It wasn't that she didn't love her life. She loved Chicago, and her life there, but there always seemed to be something lingering in the back of her mind that she didn't belong there.
She picked up her cell phone to call James; hoping talking to him would rid her of the memories. Plus she needed to call and let him know that she arrived safely like she had promised hours earlier. She got the machine.
"Hey honey it's me, I just wanted to let you know that I made it here alive, and that I'll call you later. I love…"
She stopped when she felt a strong hand on her shoulder.
"Well that was fast, I thought..."
She lost her voice when she spun around. She quickly snapped the phone shut. She turned her gaze to her shoes, unable to take the intensity of his gaze that she felt burning a hole into her. Her stomach twisted, her body went numb, and she was sure all the color had drained from her face. She grabbed the bench to steady herself before looking up at him. She could feel the word on her lips, and even though in the past she didn't even think of saying it out loud, with him standing there in front of her; his sandy brown hair, soft smile, and his eyes, oh his eyes. The name just rolled off her tongue…
"Chandler."
"Hey…" he said after a moment, his gaze never leaving her face. "I thought that was you."
She smiled. "What are you doing here? Ross said Joey was coming to get me."
He looked down embarrassingly at the ground.
"Umm… actually I'm not here to pick you up."
"Oh… " She answered, the next question already coming out of her mouth. "That what…."
"I'm actually catching a flight myself."
"Oh…" Now she was embarrassed. "Where are you going?"
"Atlanta…."
"Oh."
The both stared at each other, not knowing what to say, or what the other was thinking. She could feel her eyes swelling up again, she couldn't believe he was standing in front of her. Of all the things she thought she'd say, she couldn't remember any of them.
'So how've you been?' She could detect a small amount of uncertainly in is voice. He was nervous, of course. She was too, extremely in fact. Anyone who was standing in a three hundred foot radius could see that!
"Good… I've been good… you?"
"Good, good."
They fell into silence again. Chandler wasn't sure what he wanted to say to her. A part of him wanted to run the minute he had spotted her. The truth was that he had stared at her for what seemed like hours, watching her look around for Joey, fiddle with her watch, and bite her lower lip like she used to do when she was anxious. He had fully intended on walking away from her, just like she had walked away from him. But here he was, standing in front of her, and even with her tousled hair and weary eyes she had never looked more beautiful to him.
"When are you coming back?" Her small voice snapped him back to reality.
"Huh?"
"When are you coming back to New York… you're going to be here for the wedding right?"
"Oh of course, I wouldn't miss the couple of the decade actually make it down the isle. Plus we all have a bet going that by the end of the night the whole "we were on a break" thing will come up. I can't miss out on that."
Her laughter warmed his heart.
"Thank you."
"For what?" he asked.
"Making me laugh, you always knew how to break the tension."
"Really? Because I only remember adding to it," he joked
"Well you've had your moments." He smiled at her. "You never answered my question. When are you coming back?"
"In a few days."
"Oh so you'll be around then." She said her eyes making their way to the ground once more.
"Yeah…" He wanted to scream, "Of course I'll be there, I've never left!" but bit his tongue. He never thought he'd see her again, and if he did was sure he would be so filled with anger he'd scream and yell at her making her listen to how much she had hurt him all those years ago. But he didn't. All he wanted to do was look at her. He was afraid if he tore his gaze from her, for even a second, she'd vanish.
"Hey Chandler… honey there you are, we better get going, they have issued the last boarding call, we can't miss our flight.
Monica felt her stomach twist again when she saw what could only be considered a tall, blond, gorgeous supermodel wrap her arms around Chandler.
"Ummm…okay." He said, his nervousness building. How could he have forgotten about Natalie.
"Um, Nat this is Monica…. She's an old friend."
Natalie extended her hand, and Monica hesitantly took it.
"It's so nice to meet you. I love meeting Chandler's friends, all of them are so wonderful. Did you guys go to school together at NYU?"
"No." Monica said. She looked around nervously hoping that by some fate of God that Joey would show up before she had to explain their situation to Natalie, which Chandler obviously never mentioned to her.
Sensing her nervousness, Chandler spoke up,
"She's Ross' sister."
"Oh! Really!" Natalie exclaimed. "I that's where I know you from! Ross has a picture of you two in his apartment."
"Oh…" Monica didn't know what to say. She didn't know what Chandler was up too, she never asked, but this was not what she expected. How could he be on his way to Atlanta with this woman?
"How long have you two been together?" she asked, attempting to act as though she was okay with it.
" Almost a year." She heard Natalie say in a high-squeal like voice, which was already getting on Monica's nerves.
"In fact," Natalie continued, "We are going to Atlanta so he can meet my parents."
Monica wanted to throw-up as Natalie continued on about her parent's 50th wedding anniversary, and how excited she was for them to meet the "love of her life." She silently wondered if Chandler considered this Natalie person the love of his life.
She looked up at Chandler whose hands were rubbing his temples. He couldn't believe that of all places to see Monica again, it had to be here, now, with Natalie standing next to him.
"God must really hate me." He mumbled to himself.
"Monica! Mon! I'm so sorry I'm late the stupid parking attendant wouldn't let me park out front, I had to use the meters that were all the way…"
Joey stopped dead in his tracks as he looked in horror at the scene in front of him. He ran over to Monica.
"Hey dude, I thought your flight was leaving earlier."
"Delayed." Was all Chandler could force out.
"Yeah, stupid fog." Natalie chimed in.
"Oh hey Natalie. What a nice surprise."
Joey didn't know whom to look at. Monica looked like a ghost, all the color from her face had been completely drained and Chandler had his eyes closed, his hands rubbing the sides of his head, no doubt trying to rub this encounter from his memory. You could cut the tension with a knife.
"Well I don't mean to cut this short, but we have to get you," he said pointing to Monica, "to Ross and Rachel's." He grabbed her bags and arm. "Have a safe flight man!" He screamed while running like he was fleeing a scene of a crime.
They didn't stop until they reached the entrance.
"Mon, I'm so sorry… I didn't realize…. I didn't think he would be there, I'm so…"
"I don't want to talk about it." Monica whispered, cutting him off. "I just want to take a long hot bath and forget about this whole damn thing."
Monica quickly dropped her bags in the guest room and walked straight into the bathroom. She knew both Ross and Rachel were having dinner with Rachel's parents. Monica was supposed to join them, but with her flight being delayed she had conveniently missed it. She washed her face in the sink as the tub filled. She took the clip out of her hair and sank slowly into the now sud-filled water.
She wasn't sure why she was so bothered by the fact that Chandler was in a serious relationship. She was too for God's sake, probably even more serious than Chandler and Natalie's. Her stomach twisted again as she thought about their run-in earlier. Maybe it wasn't that he was with Natalie, maybe it was because he didn't want her. After all he's the one who didn't want to get married. Sure she had been the one to leave, but he was to blame. Not her. He didn't want her. He didn't want her. How could anyone blame her for leaving?
"He still looks good…" she mumbled under her breath. She didn't even want herself to hear it. But he did, oh god did he. There was something different about him though. Many wouldn't have been able to spot it, but she could. She could see it in his eyes; they didn't shine like they had once. She remembered when they would shine for her. Even though their meeting today was awkward, to say the least, it could have gone worse. But even through the painful silence, and short answers, him just being there, warmed her heart.
"Stop it Monica!" She scolded herself. "This is ridiculous. It's over, all of that's in the past."
The Past…
They were over, and for the next three weeks she would have to put on a brave face and deal with it. She wondered how she was able to forget about their love so easily. Maybe because she was in New York, where they had been together for so long. She wondered how she had ever been able to forget about the magic they created, the passion they felt, and the deep love they shared. She would have to, and for the next few weeks it would be like they never loved at all.
"Chandler…. baby are you okay? You seem like something is wrong."
They were sitting on Natalie's parent's porch both sipping a glass of wine. The party wasn't going to start for another hour or so.
"Yeah… I'm sorry Nat." He said setting down his glass of wine so he could face her. "I just got a lot on my mind that all, things at work are just bothering me." He lied.
"Oh." She seemed satisfied with his answer. 'You want to talk about it?"
"No, I think I'm just going to go for a walk… ya know kinda clear my head a little."
"Okay, well dinner starts in an hour, don't be too long." She said standing up and kissing him goodbye.
"I won't."
He sighed as he made his way down a small path down the rode He still couldn't believe what had happened earlier. He knew she was coming into town for the wedding, but his friends had failed to mention she was coming in that soon. It had been so long since he had seen her, so damn long. He knew that he had missed her when she left, but never realized how much until he saw her again. He couldn't get the image of her out of his head. Her hair was a little shorter than before he had notice, but it suited her. He remembered how he used to run his fingers through it every chance he got when they were together. She would always laugh and tell him she never needed to brush it, because he was always doing it for her. He thought that he'd be angry, hate her even, but the minute he saw her, and looked into her blue eyes, he knew he could never do such a thing.
"What am I doing?" he thought kicking a stick from the middle of the path, and sitting down in the dirt. He didn't care if he got dirty. He felt tears threatening his eyes, and angrily brushed them aside before they began to take shape. He wasn't going to allow himself to journey down the road of what-ifs. He knew that's where his thoughts were heading. He would push away everything he felt about her, like he did years ago. He couldn't let himself remember, if he did people would get hurt, most likely him. He knew that he couldn't handle loosing her again; on any level.
"Stop it Chandler! Come on pull yourself together."
He stood up and started walking towards the music he heard playing from the party. He was going to forget about Monica and they're love all over again, and he knew just how to do it.
"Come on Chandler! Pick up the damn phone."
Joey paced across the floor of apartment 19. He had tried calling three times earlier, but didn't get an answer. He was sure that Chandler would be upset after his run-in with Monica. He had witnessed first hand what her leaving had done to him. He didn't talk to anyone for weeks. It took him 2 months to leave the apartment, and three years before he even looked at another woman. That's when he met Natalie. It wasn't that Joey, or the others didn't like her, she was great, and was good for Chandler. He tried to believe Chandler when he said that he loved her, but couldn't. He didn't look at Natalie the way he looked at Monica. He wasn't sure how Monica felt about Chandler, but he knew that no woman would ever compare to Monica in Chandler's eyes.
He was about to give up when Natalie picked up.
"Hello…" she said giggling
"Hey Natalie, it's Joey, is Chandler there?"
"Umm…. Yeah he's a little busy at the moment." She said spilling into more fits of laughter.
"It's really important, I need to talk to him about something."
Joey could hear the couple talking in the background.
She came back into the phone.
"You don't have to worry Joey, everything went fine! It was so perfect. It's so sweet of you to call and make sure he didn't mess it up!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh come on Joey, don't play stupid, I know someone had to have helped him plan this whole thing."
"What thing!" Joey screamed into the phone.
"His proposal silly. We're getting married isn't that great! Joey… Joey are you there?"