Oh Fishsticks!, a dynasty warriors fanfic

Oh Fishsticks!

Chapter 1: The Yellow Turban Revival

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They are property of KOEI, except for Sun Ne Delight and Major Tom. The character Major Tom is from the song "Space Oddity" by David Bowie, I used the name for a satirical purpose and do not claim ownership to the song or character. I do not claim ownership to these characters, but I have altered their personalities slightly and drawn from real plot events to make this story. Once again all of it belongs to KOEI

Excerpt From the Diary of Zhuge Liang:

Dear Diary,

The Yellow Turbans have returned and once again plague this land. My lord Liu Bei has charged me with the task of subjugating them. This is no easy task for I have lost my strategical skills. No one knows this, but I am not a strategical genius. As a matter of fact all the credit goes to my sock puppet friend Fillmore, but Fillmore has left me for Sima Yi. Now I am all alone, and I must get my Fillmore back.

"Lord Zhuge Liang!" Zhao Yun interrupted, "We have intercepted some yellow turban intelligence info."

"Really!?" Zhuge Liang replied stunned, "What have you got?"

"Well when we had spies running through the Yellow Turban camps we recovered a communications disk from a man named David Bowie. One that was an interesting conversation between their base camp, which they referred to as 'ground control' and a top operative named 'Major Tom'" Zhao Yun declared.

"Really?" Zhuge Liang said stunned, "What did it say?"

"It can be decided that Major Tom is so influential that the people want to know what kind of shirts he wears. He also seems to have a magical floating can. Apparently it is capable of great speeds, and can think for itself. It also mentions his wife and kids, which we could use as a threat. And at the end the circuit goes dead, our research kids think this circuit is an acronym for Communications and Intelligence Relay for Continuous Unification of Indecisive Troops." Zhao Yun explained.

"Hmm it appears as though this Major Tom character is our only threat. Mobilize our forces against us." Zhuge Liang ordered. It was at this very moment another soldier burst in.

"Lord Zhuge Liang. The Yellow Turbans are here!" The messenger declared.

"Damn it all. Zhao Yun give the order to the troops to assemble, messenger, carry this disk to Pang Tong for analysis." Zhuge Liang gave the orders and the disk to the messenger. And they all left the tent.

"Zhuge Liang! You are nothing but a fool, surrender to the will of the heavens" A voice announced, "Prepare to meet your doom at the hands of the greatest general of the Three Kingdoms."

"Lu Bu is over there!?" Zhuge Liang yelled sarcastically.

"How dare you show such insolence! It is I the great Sun Ne Delight, the greatest of the Yellow Turban generals." Sun Ne Delight announced.

"I've never heard of you!" Zhuge Liang shouted back

"Oh you will rue the day you crossed paths with me and my 1000 man cavalry." Sun Ne Delight announced, "Go ahead there's still time, run on home and start ruing. No seriously any time now go on ahead start ruing.

Zhuge Liang thought, "I don't want to fight, I'd have no clue what to do I'd be crushed for sure."

"BRING IT ON!!!!!!!" Zhao Yun yelled.

"Damn it, did your mother drink, you know like when she was pregnant with you?" Zhuge Liang rhetorically asked.

"Well she did do a little opium" Zhao Yun admitted, "but nothing big."

"FINE! You do not bow to me!? Then I will crush you!" Sun Ne Delight announced.

"Oh fish sticks!" Zhuge Liang exclaimed. "Quick how many units do we have?"

"Umm..." Zhao Yun said counting on his fingers, "About 2000 infantry to their 1000 cavalry."

"Think Zhuge! Think!" Zhuge Liang said, "Give the orders for the men to partner up for one to ride on the back of the other. That should balance out their cavalry."

"You do know that that doesn't count as a cavalry unit right?" Zhao Yun said rhetorically.

"Never, ever doubt the commanding officer." Zhuge Liang said. "Quickly give the command." And the command was given. The troops jumped on to another persons back. "To battle we jog!" Zhuge Liang proudly announced.

"I just don't get you, some moments I respect you, others I loathe you for your insanity." Zhao Yun said quietly.

"Hey, a lot of men shave their legs, it helps me think better. Besides Yue Ying loves my skin so beautifully soft." Zhuge Liang said rubbing his leg, "Smooth like a babies bottom."

"Have you given up yet Zhuge Liang?" Sun Ne Delight said.

"No. You'll have to beat my cavalry before I'll surrender to a no-namer like you." Zhuge Liang said in a harassing tone.

"Never talk to the Yellow Turban's greatest general that way. All units Charge!" Sun Ne Delight yelled.

"Oh fish sticks! Everyone charge!" Zhuge Liang ordered.

Oh no! What could happen next? Read on to find out in Chapter 2: The Piggy Back Brigade. Please be constructive in your reviews.