Title: Our One Chance to Succeed...And We Failed
Author:: folkin_up_again
Chapter: 1/1
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Gen
Warning: Sadness? Does that count? Oh, and MAJOR SPOILERS for season 2 and 3 finales.
Summary:: Time. What is time but the inability to undo past mistakes and foresee future misperceptions?
Disclaimer: Trying to convince you Supernatural is mine would be an endeavor as successful as a blind man explaining the colour red to a deaf man.
Author's Note: Written before season 4.

This how the Winchester family of Lawrence, Kansas dies:

*

Sam stares, disgusted. His one arm useless, the other clutching a rusty pipe that could, would, end all this pain so easily. One blow.

Jake was down and it would be so easy to slug him, so quick and easy, and everything, all that pain Sam'd abhorred for so long…well, he'd be one step closer to closure. But at what cost?

Giving in to Yellow Eyes' sick game, that's what.

So yea, he could kill Jake. But by doing so, he'd win this game, this grotesque, bloody game that's taken so many lives, and winning would proclaim him a prize as accomplice to world dominance.

No thanks.

But at the same time…at the same time the raw feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, sorrow, they whirled inside him, taunting him, pleading with his mind to indulge in sweet revenge.

His ambivalence hangs heavy in the air for a moment, his hand raised but reluctant to deliver, his face set in a scowl of anger. But then his hand drops, because he may be a lot of things but he will not be a murderer. At least when it's unjustified.

*

Running with Bobby, rushing and calling out his brother's name, it finally sinks in. After searching and worrying for so long, he can almost feel Sam; imagines him bloody and bruised, but alive, yelling at Dean for taking so long to find him, but grabbing him in an embrace at the same time, with tears in his eyes.

But it doesn't go like that.

Instead, he cries out his brother's name and feels like someone just socked him in the gut fifty times with a 10 lb weight.

Instead, he runs to Sam and he pulls Sam into the embrace.

Instead, his tears shine in the moonlight and cascade tracks down his face.

Instead, he's yelling at Sam, and at God, because nonono, Sam, his Sammy, can't be dying.

*

He sees Dean, hears his name called out. He begins to smile because oh, Dean is here. Here in this hellhole, this playground of despair, his brother is finally here, and now things can-

And the stake rams into his back, he feels it, the pain, the splinters and jagged edges cutting through him sharply; like two mismatched puzzle pieces forced to coincide with each other.

He slumps because it just…pain.

He whimpers for a moment because…agony.

He feels arms around him and leans forward because…Dean.

He closes his eyes because…light.

Blinding light.

For a single moment, despite the pain, despite the macabre of death, despite the darkness, despite all the lost souls enveloping around them, Sam feels good for just a single moment. Because once again he's with Dean. They're together and with the feel of Dean's arms around him, Sam feels safe again. But finally…

He gives in to the darkness because…death.

*

Dean saves him. Sells his soul to the devil, but he saves him.

*

This is how it happened:

*

Sam's plastered against the wall, staring at Ruby's face with a figurative shotgun cocked and ready to just blow Sam's brains out.

But it's not Ruby and the figurative shotgun isn't really a shotgun…it's more like a machinegun.

But that's too simple. It's too easy to just kill Sam like that. He has to pay first for the sin of living, of breathing fresh air because he wasn't allowed to die first but also not allowed to live happily either. Now he has to watch Dean die because Sam wouldn't stay dead.

Now he has to watch in agony as beasts he can't see but sure as hell can feel rip into his brother's body. He has to gaze as his brother's arms, face, legs are slashed and bloodied. He has to beg, fucking plead, to one of the Devil's spawn to 'Kill me instead, let him go!'.

And it's useless because now he also watches as Dean's eyes dim and finally go out but not down, and even now after this horrid torture of watching Dean die, now he has to stare at the death as it taunts him. This is your doing, Sam Winchester, and all because you had to be noble and not kill Ja-

And then there's light. Same as before but still different, because this time he knows what it means. And he waits, waits and watches as some Demon spawn comes closer to him intent on killing him.

He almost wants it, almost welcomes the death because Dean's in Hell right now, and after everything Sam's done in his life, there's no doubt in Sam's mind there's a reserved place in Hell just for him, and so dying means being with Dean.

But even now, even now after everything he's had to live, and die, through, even now there's no mercy for his soul. Now, when he wants it, wants the abyss and the darkness and fuck even the pain, he can't have it.

*

And the goddamn opportune moment is literally shot to hell instead of the bitch and he's screaming and he's crying and he's praying and he's fucking sobbing his heart, emotions and what little soul he has left out, but nothing is bringing Dean back.

*

John Winchester Died.

He died saving his son Dean Winchester. John came back, albeit and however briefly, but he came back.

Sam Winchester died.

He died saving himself. Sam came back too though thanks to his brother.

Dean Winchester died.

He died saving his brother Sam Winchester. Dean didn't come back.

*