Pop Quiz
A/N: This is inspired by "Question 7 and a Half" by Starran and "Simple Instructions" by , only with much more characters with even weirder personalities.
Jaune was panicking. It was just like any other Sunday: He slept in, he ate breakfast, he got run-over by an over-enthusiastic Nora. Then, professor Ozpin sends him an s-mail (scroll mail) to meet him in one of the classrooms. So, there he was...
And so was the rest of his team, and then some.
To be specific, teams RWBY, CRDL, CFVY and SSSN.
"Ruby, did you crash your rocket locker again?" accused Weiss.
"What? No! Why me?" Ruby complained.
"Cardin, did you pull Velvet's ears again? You know how Yatsuhashi doesn't like it when his partner gets bullied," accused Coco.
"Hey, I may be a bit of a jerk, but I can take a hint!"
"Nora, did you break someone's legs again?" accused Ren.
"Maybe~" Nora replied.
"Hey, how come nobody's accusing me of doing anything?" asked Sun.
"Because we know that you're good enough to not get caught."
"Oh, thanks–" when Sun turned around, he came face-to-face with non–other than professor Ozpin, "–nevermind."
The coffee-loving headmaster was carrying a stack of papers as well as his signature coffee mug. He continued to the desk in the center where he placed the stack of papers and took a sip from his coffee.
"Relax," he said after awhile, "nobody has done anything troublesome... Yet..."
At this, almost everyone in the room relaxed and let out sighs of relief...
"Instead, we shall be having a surprise test that could very well change your lives."
...until Ozpin added the last bit.
"A test? We didn't even get to study!" said a panicked Ruby.
"Calm down, Ms. Rose, this isn't that kind of test. Now, would everyone kindly take a seat," said Ozpin.
Everyone complied and chose their seats. Sun, who couldn't be bothered with studying, (predictably) sat beside the smartest person he had the best chance at copying answers from, specifically, Ren. Nora also sat beside him, and two rows down and five seats to the right was Ruby and Yang. Team CFVY sat together while teams CRDL and the remainder of team SSSN tried to find good seats near the smarter students. Jaune himself chose to sit alone, but Pyrrha immediately stood and reseated herself beside him.
Professor Ozpin then began handing out the test papers face-down. When he returned to the desk, he took a another really long sip from his coffee before he actually spoke.
"As I've stated before, this test may affect the course of the rest of your lives. Read and follow the instructions for each item. Failing to follow the instructions will have its consequences. You may begin."
Jaune immediately flipped over his paper and wrote down his name, age, team name, and specified that he was the leader. However, when he read the first item's instructions, he was surprised. It wasn't matching type, it wasn't multiple choice, it was a simple statement.
'Your name is Weiss Schnee'
"What the heck?" Jaune thought to himself. He didn't quite get it, so he skipped over to item number two. The instructions were just as strange.
'Say your name'
It looked easy enough, but, what? What kind of test was this?
"Dove Bronzewing," said, well, Dove himself. Really? Is that it?
Apparently not. Right after Dove said that, there was a bright blue spark from his chair.
"AH! What the fuck!" he exclaimed.
"Watch you're language Mr. Bronzewing," said Professor Ozpin, who was also carrying a laser pointer l of sorts with only one button. It was pointed at Dove, and there a red dot pointed at where he was seated.
"Oh, crap!" Jaune once again thought to himself.
Everybody tensed as Ozpin took another long sip from his seemingly-endless coffee. When he realized that nobody was speaking, he raised the laser pointer again.
"Jaune Arc," said Ren.
Everybody waited, but no shock came.
"What? It said so on the paper."
Realization dawned on everyone else as people started calling names.
"Ruby Rose," said Yang.
"Yatsuhashi," said Coco while Yatsuhashi paled. He could only pray that his team leader didn't do anything "inappropriate" while using his name.
"Pyrrha Nikos," said Cardin, much to the actual Pyrrha's disgust.
"Sun Wukong," said Blake.
"Neptune Vasillas," said Sun as the actual Neptune paled considerably. If there was one thing Sun liked to do, it was to mess with everyone else.
"Velvet Scarlatina," said Weiss.
"Yang Xiao Long," said Nora.
"Scarlet," said Neptune.
"Russel Thrush," said the actual Scarlet.
"Sage," said Velvet.
"Blake Belladona," said Russel.
"Nora Valkyrie," said Sky.
"Weiss Schnee," said Jaune as the actual Weiss muttered a curse. Of all the people who could've gotten her name, the Schnee name, why did it have to be dunce #2?
"Dove Bronzewing," said Sage.
"Cardin Winchester," said Dove.
"Coco," said Yatsuhashi.
"Lie Ren," said Ruby.
"Sky Lark," said Pyrrha.
"Fox," said Fox himself as everyone looked at him strangely. Irritated, he held up his paper and gestured to the first item.
"What? I got my own name," he said.
"Wait, how can you read?" asked Neptune, "does your paper have Braille?"
"Just because my eyes are white does not mean I'm blind! Do you have any idea how many times I had to put up with team CRDL's stupid pranks and jokes because of that assumption? They taped a drawing of a–"
"Wait, you could see us doing that?" asked Russel.
"Ahem," said professor Ozpin as he raised the laser pointer again.
Everyone tensed and decided to get back to the test, which brought Jaune to item number three.
'The person you get along with the least is feeling sore. Massage them.'
Dust. Damn. It.
Jaune would rather get electrified than give Cardin a back rub.
"F*CK!" yelled Sky as he somehow got shocked despite not being on his chair. He had stood, most likely to give someone that massage, and moved behind Ren when he was shocked.
"What did I do wrong? You all know I don't get along with Lie the most!"
Meanwhile, Neptune was standing behind Blake while rubbing her shoulders. When everyone turned their attention to them, he said, "I figure that Scarlet would still be mad at Sun for replacing his romance fanfiction with Yaoi."
"That was you?" asked an enraged Scarlet as he shot a glare towards Sun.
"Dammit Neptune!" yelled Sun. Neptune just shrugged after he settled back to his seat.
That aside, everyone knew what to do now, the only problem was who to do it with
Dust, that sounded wrong, didn't it?
"Ah, the truth is such a painful thing," thought Jaune. He then stood to give Ren a shoulder massage, acknowledging Weiss' dislike of him (Jaune).
Other than, Ren, Weiss, Coco, Yatsuhashi, and Fox all crowded around Dove, who currently had Cardin's name. Unfortunately for Dove, there was a large-enough crowd that nobody noticed when Fox stomped on his shin while Coco covered his mouth and Yatsuhashi held down his arms while Weiss and Ren upheld the facade of giving him a massage while everyone else giving a massage could only watch.
Other than Dove (Cardin): Scarlet (Russel), Sage (Dove) and Pyrrha (Sky), recieved these massages. When everyone returned to their seats, there were several flashes of electricity as the entire team CRDL ended up getting shocked out of their seats.
'Serves them right for not acknowledging that everyone hates them,' though Jaune.
Item number 4: 'Your partner is feeling cold. Give them your shirt.'
What. The. Hell. What the Dust is going on in prof. Ozpin's sick mind?
'Damn in!' thought Jaune, 'I'm not standing to give Ren my jacket! Someone, please, anyone...'
To everyone's surprise, Pyrrha was the first to stand. Everyone held their breath as she walked over to Ren, stripped to her bra, and tossed him the top she normally wore. Pyrrha then scurried back to her seat and attempted to hide her blush.
'P-Pyrrha? Of all people? Why, just, why?' thought Jaune. Then, he had the smartest idea since the test started. After checking for any fine print, and confirming that there wasn't any in that particular item, he stood up, stood in front of Yamg, took off his hoodie, only his hoodie, and gave it to her before sitting back down with a smug grin. Ozpin didn't specify what counted as a shirt.
"Hmm, well played Mr. Arc, well played," admitted the professor.
Now, everyone who had an extra layer of clothing stood up with new confidence. Yang, Ren, Neptune, Yatsuhashi, Blake, Weiss, Scarlet, and Ruby then stood and gave their jackets, and cloak to Jaune, Cardin, Scarlet, Sun, Fox, Coco, and Sky, respectively. At the end of it all, mostly due to mismatching sizes, people left shirtless were Pyrrha, Nora, Coco, Fox, Velvet, Sun (he made it a point to walk really slowly in front of Blake's table), Sage, and team CRDL. Nobody got shocked, just really embarrassed.
Item number five made things worse.
'You're feeling lonely. Give yourself a hug.'
Would anyone notice if Jaune tried to sneak away? Most likely.
Jaune stood and went over to Ren. The two then gave each other one of those awkward bro–hugs with a pat on the back. Ren, in turn, went to Ruby and gave her an awkward hug while Yang glared at the two of them, though Ruby had no problem giving Yang, her own sister, a hug. Both Yang and Nora were enthusiastically squeezing the life out of each other, though Nora was "accidentally a little too rough" on Sky. Boring moments aside, Blake blushed heavily as a shirtless Sun held her close.
"Like what you see?" he asked.
Blake rolled her eyes. Velvet was equally flustered when she was suddenly embraced from behind by a shirtless Sage, much to Yatsuhashi's annoyance. When Pyrrha ended up getting hugged by a shirtless Cardin, Jaune felt like throwing up. To his relief, as soon as Cardin left, Pyrrha began to apply generous amounts of Sanitizer on the bare skin that made contact, showing how she thought it was disgusting.
"SON OF A BITCH!" yelled Fox as he received a painful shock to his bottom. Coco was equally enraged. Nobody did anything to Fox's butt except her. Yes, she meant it.
"What the hell! I got my own name!" he shouted at Ozpin, who said nothing in response but to each of his hands on the opposite shoulder.
"Dammit Fox!" shouted Coco at his obliviousness to his self–hug dilemma.
Okay, okay, so hopefully everything else will go smoothly.
'Sudden blizzard. You need your shirt back.'
Dustdammit item number six!
Much confusion and clothing swaps later, everyone had their shirts/jackets/robes/cloaks back. To their relief, the next question was a simple Grimm analysis and killing strategy, along with the next five questions, which brings us to the second to the last item.
'Valentine's day is overrated. Show your love to your loved–one today.'
Oh, no. This is where things get fucked up and weird. Even weirder than when Nora tried to dress Ren as a sloth.
Don't ask.
It was awkward for some, but to people like Sun, this was a golden opportunity.
"Hey, Weiss!" he said as he took his shirt off again, "Like what you see?"
Sun was then (predictably) assaulted by Neptune and Blake, who each threw an empty chair at him.
'Dammitdammitdammit!' thought Jaune. Then, he remembered that Weiss didn't have Myrtenaster with her, so he had no problem with saying, "What's up?" to Neptune. Unfortunately, he failed to take into account how close Weiss was sitting to him.
Sorry Pyrrha, but it looks like Jaune won't be having kids any time in the future.
"Yo, Sage!" said Neptune. As soon as Sage stood, he sent him a wink. Scarlet was outraged.
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE THAT I'M NOT GAY!" he shouted.
"Wait, you're not gay?" asked Coco.
"No! Do I look like I'm gay?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...I really hate you guys."
To everyone's surprise, Dove was the next one to stand. Who would he call? Who was Cardin Winchester crushing on, and how did Dove know?
"Hi Velvet."
What?
'If that ain't crack, then I don't know what is," thought Jaune, whose future children were starting to recover.
"Just... Why?" asked Coco.
"Uhh... Stockholm Syndrome?"
Ignoring the fact that it was Dove who made this assumption, and not Cardin himself, each member of team CFVY, except for Velvet, who was hiding under her desk in shame, grabbed an empty chair nearby and threw it at Cardin.
"Dove... You bastard..."
The next brave soul to volunteer was Sky. Everyone knew what he was gonna say, except for Ren, so they were disappointed when Nora shut him down.
"Say anything, and I'll break your legs... And your future babies."
Sky gulped as he weighed his options. Get shocked a second time and risk loosing feeling in both his legs for an unspecified amount of time, or have his greatest asset in bed be crushed as well.
Sky sat down, and he got shocked again.
To make matters worse, Nora went over there and smashed him with another empty chair.
"That was for thinking about doing it in the first place!
Bottom line is, everybody enjoys throwing chairs at team CRDL.
"Neptune!" said Blake all of a sudden, "How's it going?"
"Blake! This isn't Ninjas of Love stop making us your Yaoi toys!" said an annoyed Sun.
Blake blushed, but was nonetheless outraged over Sun's perception of Ninjas of Love. It's not Yaoi, it's boy's love.
To Ruby's horror, Yang stood up.
"Hey, Ice Princess, Hi!" said Yang.
At this, Ruby turned several shades redder than her cloak and the Rose petals she left with her semblance.
"Huh... Ruby's bent?" said Dove.
"I knew it!" shouted Cardin, which earned him another empty chair to his face. Poor Cardin. He probably had chairphobia by that point, or whatever the hell the term is.
"I am not bent!" shouted Ruby, who was brandishing another chair (where'd she even get that?).
Moving on to the next person to stand: Nora.
"Hi Blake!" she shouted as Yang facepalmed.
"Heh... Like big sis, like little sis– WHOA!" said Cardin as he cut himself off and ducked in order to dodge a chair that was thrown at him.
"Hah! Better luck next time– OH, DUST WHY!" much like with Jaune, Cardin forgot to take into account how close Yang was sitting from him, only instead of delivering swift justice like Weiss did, Yang just kept crushing his Wang, and continued crushing it until she was satisfied and went back to her seat.
Even with his pride having been crushed both figuratively and literally, Cardin still managed to stand up by leaning against his table and tried to say something.
"H–Hey T–T–There, Jau–" this time, instead of a chair, Pyrrha picked up Russel and threw him at Cardin instead.
"At least it wasn't a chair this time."
Also, his chair fell backwards and further damaged his pride, both figuratively and literally.
Seriously Cardin, this wouldn't happen to you if you'd just shut up sometimes.
Everyone else's reactions were relatively boring after Cardin's severe beatdown, so we shall now skip over to the last item, which Jaune read with bated breath and a heart filled with anxiety.
'You now have your names back–'
Wait, what?
'As well as 10 seconds to repeat the previous set of instructions, or you lose the ability to reproduce.'
When Jaune shifted his view to the front, he was confronted with the strange sight of professor Ozpin, who was wearing a strange white sweater with OTP knit in red at the front, standing in front of a projector screen that was displaying a countdown from 10... 9...
'Oh, dust!'
8...
They were too young to be neutered! What kind of punishment was this?
7...
Not this, anything but this! This isn't fair!
4...
"WHAT HAPPENED TO SIX AND FIVE!" exclaimed Jaune.
2...
'Goodbye, future children. I shall miss you.'
1...
"Oh, screw it!"
When everyone looked up from their wimpy display of fear for their future kids, they saw that Coco had gotten up from her seat, pulled Fox from his, and kissed him outright while groping his butt for good measure.
"I have no regrets!" she said while flashing a double peace sign before (fashionably) strutting out the door.
"Wait! Coco!" yelled Fox as he chased after her.
'Okaaay...'
5...
'Shit! That thing's still going!'
4...
Why did their headmaster have to be a shipping maniac? Why?
3...
"Ah, to hell with it."
Sun immediately sprung from his seat and over to Blake's before stealing her into a kiss without warning before he too ran out the door, muttering something about how he ruined Blake's Yaoi fantasy between him and Neptune.
"Umm, what just happened?" everyone facepalmed at Blake's obliviousness. She reads smut, for dust's sake, how could she not take a friggin' hint?
3...
Fuck! The countdown decreased again!
2...
Yep... This is definitely it.
1...
"Nora? What are you– Oomph!" Ren was interrupted as Nora glomped him and promptly began exploring his mouth with her tongue.
'Well, that escalated quickly,' thought Jaune.
Unfortunately, despite Nora and Ren's borderline steamy escapades going on, the timer was still going down
3...
2...
"You know what? I don't even care at this point." Neptune then stood up and kissed Weiss who pulled him back in as he tried to leave, and ended up making out with him in the floor.
'Why is everyone here so friggin' horny?'
2...
Wait, what? That's too much, wait– too little, no– DAMMIT!
1...
Before Ozpin could render everyone childless, Velvet sprang up and kissed Yatsuhashi full on the lips before running out of the room, face redder than Ruby's cloak, Yatsuhashi in hot pursuit.
"One down... One to go," said Ozpin, who sipped some more from his coffee. Seriously though, was that thing bottomless? Because it never ran out during the entire test.
5...
'Wait, what is everyone staring at me?' Thought Jaune as he noticed how everyone kept exchanging glances between him and Pyrrha.
3...
What's the point of starting at five again if you're not gonna include four!
2...
Shit! Dammit... Uh...
1...
"Oh, what the heck."
Jaune just went with it and brought his lips unto Pyrrha's. He didn't care that team CRDL were probably taking pictures to mess with him after that, or that professor Ozpin was grinning like a little girl on sugar high, he just cared that he finally got to confess to Pyrrha, no matter how "sudden" it was.
"Excellent," Ozpin said to himself as Glynda Goodwitch somehow ended up behind him, her crop loaded with lightning dust, "everything went according to plan!"
"Sir," she said, "isn't playing matchmaker to a bunch of teens by forcing them into this test and having me zap them while covered in prototype camouflage dust and telling me which one to zap with that laser pointer because you thought they were lying a little bit to creepy for a man your age?"
"Professor Goodwitch, unless you'd like to end up with professor Port in the next story, I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself."
"Yes, sir! Now, what shall we do about the angry students?"
When Ozpin looked around at the remaining students, he realized that all of them were hefting the empty chairs they seemed to be fond of throwing.
"Hmm... Good point."
Just outside the lecture hall, anyone outside would have seen professor Ozpin wearing a white OTP sweater bust out through the door of a classroom as a bunch of angry students chased after him while hefting empty chairs to be thrown.
'I really should stop spiking my coffee on Tuesdays,' though professor Oobleck as he pretended to not see anything.