Title: Alternate Selves

Rating: T

Warning: Cursing, joking Sasunaru, and death

Pairing: None, though there is a scene with implications, but the implications are untrue

Summary: [Crack-fic, one-shot, joked about Sasunaru] Nothing in the world could prepare Naruto for the horrors he was about to face. How could anything? There was only supposed to be one psychotic Sasuke in the world, not three.

Alternate Selves

"Can you stop being an ass for five minutes and actually talk to me?!" Naruto caught himself shouting, his breath coming out in huffs as he did his best to convey his anger to his best friend, Sasuke Uchiha. He couldn't even remember what he was angry about, except that it had something to do with Sasuke. To which the jerk didn't even have the decency to act phased. He didn't even bat an eyelash as Naruto stood in front of him, in the middle of the street, fists clenched at his sides, and a look that promised murder painted on his face. Naruto was getting more of a reaction out of the people of Konoha than he was from Sasuke! There were plenty of shocked, angry, and amused expressions on the faces of onlookers, yet he couldn't even get a scowl from Sasuke. The other boy might as well be a statue!

"Well?" Naruto prompted, feeling a vein twitch in his forehead as he waited for Sasuke to speak.

The Uchiha didn't speak; he turned on his heel and began walking away. There wasn't even an annoyed grunt! He just shoved his hands into his pockets and nonchalantly strode off.

"Damn it, Sasuke!" Naruto growled under his breath, charging after his best friend's retreating form.

Today was one of those days when Naruto wanted nothing more than to punch Sasuke in the face. He'd do it, too. Sasuke was so infuriating! It seemed like he knew exactly how to push Naruto's buttons, first by being a prick, then by breaking Sakura's heart and running off to join Orochimaru, and a bunch of other crap that Naruto had better not think about if he didn't want to accidently kill Sasuke.

Why did Sasuke have to be such royal pain in the ass anyway? Sure he had a rough childhood, but almost everyone in Konoha seemed to. Sometimes Naruto just wished that Sasuke was a little more reasonable, just a little bit friendly, and maybe... yeah, a ton of other stuff.

He wished he had a different, better, version of Sasuke.

Maybe someone would hit Sasuke over the head, and the brain damage would improve Sasuke's personality?

"Look out!"

"Huh?" Naruto, who had been too consumed by his irritation, missed who had given the warning, and searched the crowd for the owner of the voice. Suddenly there was a burst of pain and everything went dark.

X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.

A loud ringing, like the shrill sound of many bells, echoed in Naruto's ears, causing him to scrunch up his nose in distaste and try to cover his ears with his hands. However, his hands might as well have been cemented to the ground. He tried moving his body too, and luckily was able to roll over onto his side with a grunt. He would have celebrated the small victory if it weren't for the way his stomach rolled like the ocean's waves when he switched his position.

What happened, and why did he feel like he had been trampled on by a herd of elephants? He remembered yelling at Sasuke but that was all he could recall before waking up in…

Where was he?

Naruto's eyes flew open in a hurry. All of his ninja training urged him to assess the situation and find out how much danger he was in. At first glance the danger seemed minimal. From what he could gather within a second, he was in a bedroom and not chained down at all. It would have been a relief if he had recognized the bedroom, but from what he could tell, he was in a stranger's room.

With another two seconds, he noticed that he was lying in a bed and it was nothing like the type of bed he was used to. It was high off the floor, with a thick mattress that reminded him of a marshmallow. An equally soft blanket covered the bed and his body, which he was thankful for when he realized he was missing his shirt.

His missing shirt was the first thing that sent a prickling sensation down his spine. The second thing caused him to tense and sweat a bit was that the mattress was made for more than one person. Not only that, but there was DEFINITELY another person ON it!

Had he slept with someone? Who? Had he been drunk? Had they been drunk? Was he in trouble? What was her name? Should he know who it was? What did he say to score someone? Would it work again?

Even if it's not your fault you know somehow this is going to get blamed on you, a voice in Naruto's head told him sassily, and he begrudgingly agreed with it. He was optimistic, but that didn't mean he had no concept of reality. It would probably be best to sneak out before anyone caught him in such a compromising position; he wouldn't though. If he really had… "slept" with the person sharing the bed with him, he should probably find out what had transpired between them and led to them getting a little more than personal.

He had to pee though.

Wincing in embarrassment, and a bit of pain, Naruto searched the room for any sign of an exit. He spotted a door across the room and slowly pushed his way up from the bed. He had halfway slid out of the bed when something grabbed his wrist and pulled him down onto a surface that felt like cool, smooth skin.

Oh ramen! Naruto mentally cringed. Outcomes of him dying raced through his head, but he pushed them back, and fought against the hold on him. He felt an arm wrap around his unprotected waist and tried not to make any sounds that gave away the shear terror he was feeling internally. It felt like he was wrestling with an octopus as he flailed his arms about.

Where was all of his ninja training when he needed it?

"Naruto! What is the matter with you?" A gruff, annoyed, and sleepy voice half-snarled into his ear, and Naruto froze as recognition dawned on him.

He couldn't possibly have…

He turned his head to look behind him, and every drop of blood might as well have left his body as his skin turned pale at the sight of Sasuke. He felt his skin threaten to break out in a cold sweat as his best friend held him so his back was pressed up against Sasuke's naked chest.

He was in a nightmare; he had to be!

He immediately began to struggle.

"What are you doing?" Sasuke yelled as he tried to keep his hold on Naruto.

"What are you doing?" Naruto tried not to screech as he fought against his friend's grip. He felt the hold on his waist loosening and would have felt relieved if he wasn't so busy freaking out about sharing a bed with his half-naked best friend.

"I'm trying to find out why my boyfriend for the last two years is fighting me," Sasuke answered.

Maybe it was just the way he said it, but somehow that comment triggered something in Naruto's head. The next thing he knew he had elbowed Sasuke in the ribcage and was running out of the bedroom, shouting something along the lines of "You crazy bastard!" He was trying to stay calm. He had been in worse situations and managed not to panic before. Oh sure, it was a more than a little unsettling that his best friend suddenly thought they were boyfriends, and he had woken up shirtless in a bed with…

Ack! Okay, maybe he did have a reason for panicking. So he didn't feel ashamed as he ran through a foreign house, made more like a giant maze than any other house he'd ever seen, and ran down the first staircase he found, taking the steps two at a time. He did feel more than a little embarrassed when he tripped down the stairs and landed with his face planted in the ground.

Gravity was not his friend today.

He was prepared to push himself off the ground and take off in another wild sprint, but his plans were stopped when someone placed a hand on his shoulder and effortlessly lifted him off the ground. Once he was standing erect again, Naruto looked over at his helper and got ready to take off again.

Sasuke stood next to him. He was no longer shirtless, and even had a black leather jacket on (Oh, thank ramen!). However, in one of his hands was a… gun?

Sasuke was holding a gun? What the heck was Sasuke doing with a gun? Where was his shuriken, and why wasn't Naruto running away like he should have been?

He tried to take a step back, but Jacket-Sasuke used his grip on Naruto's shoulder to keep him in place, and even glared at him for trying to move. Naruto wasn't sure if he should be thankful for the familiar look or not. Either way, it probably wouldn't be smart to anger the guy holding a weapon in his hand.

"I told you to stay put," Jacket-Sasuke growled and lowered his grip so he was holding Naruto by the arm, he then proceeded to lead Naruto around the house.

Naruto rolled his eyes at the ceiling. Weapon or not, Sasuke was seriously deranged if he thought Naruto was going to stick around in a bed with him, and decided to tell him just that. "You're nuts if you think I would stay in a bed with you, especially after you said we have been dating for two years. That's just crazy! You need your head examined by Tsunade if you think we have been dating for two years."

Sasuke scoffed, and yanked Naruto forward none too gently. "More of your practical jokes?"

"If anyone is joking here it's you," Naruto accused.

Sasuke stared at him with a look at him that blatantly said, "Do you hear yourself when you speak? No? Then you are more of an idiot than everyone already knows."

"…"

"…"

"…"

Okay, yeah, what Naruto said had been stupid. Sasuke joke? He was the crazy one if he thought that was true.

"Fine," Naruto acknowledged his defeat, "but what the heck is going on, Sasuke?! One minute you're in bed with me and the next thing you're…"

Naruto wasn't sure what Sasuke was doing, besides leading him around the house, and in such an odd way too. He kept his back pressed up against any walls they walked by, and always did it when they were turning a corner. Heck! Sasuke would make sure his gun was around the corner before he was, and always looked ready to fire it. He'd also crouch low to the ground and duck behind objects while forcing Naruto to mimic him. Were they supposed to be on a mission or something?

"Stopping trying to pull one of your pranks," Sasuke growled as he pressed their backs to another wall. "I am your body guard, I would never share a bed with you."

"Whaaaaat?" Naruto yelled, and pulled himself out of Sasuke's grip, taking three steps backwards.

"Damn!" Sasuke cursed, spinning so he was facing Naruto, and then suddenly he fell forward. A puddle of blood pooled around Sasuke's limp, and obviously unconscious body. ((Worst death scene ever))

Naruto should have been scared. He should have run to Sasuke's side and seen if there was anything he could do to save his friend, but he didn't, because Sasuke was standing in front of him.

What the-! Naruto's mind screamed as his eyes kept going back and forth between the dead Sasuke lying on the floor and the one holding the bloody shuriken. What had just happened? Why were there two Sasuke's? Did Jacket-Sasuke's death count as homicide or suicide? He was so confused, he felt like all of his thoughts were at some wild dance party without him.

"You!" The Sasuke with shuriken growled lowly, and Naruto took another step back and held his hands up in a placating gesture.

"Hey, I'm not the one holding the weapon!" Naruto defended himself jokingly, hoping his good humor would break through to the new Sasuke. If the red eyes and swirly black things in those eyes were any indication though, he was failing miserably. Sasuke wasn't going to try to kill him though, right? They were still best friends, right? Sure, they had fought before, and Sasuke had even tried to kill him before but that didn't really mean…

…

…

…Aw crap.

Sasuke charged at Naruto, and Naruto wondered if Sasuke had somehow forgotten all of their training together, because he was acting more like a homicidal maniac than a trained ninja. Naruto side-stepped out of the way and Sasuke ran past him.

Naruto did a double blink.

Okay… that couldn't have really just happened.

Turning to look over his shoulder, Naruto got ready for Sasuke to strike again, and cried out in pain when a blade slid deeply into his shoulder. His response was automatic, he slammed his fist against Sasuke's face, sending the other boy's body flying before it crashed about four meters away from Naruto. He then clutched his injured shoulder and pulled out the shuriken that had been stabbed into him.

"What the heck Sasuke!" He shouted as he clutched his shoulder tenderly. "I knew you could be a dick, but what the heck was that! You have lost your mind! You've—"

X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.X.

"He's coming to," a voice said from above him.

"Huh?" he grumbled. Everything felt so weird. His senses felt foggy, except for the thrumming pain in his forehead. Wasn't he supposed to be in a house with Sasuke? Wasn't his shoulder supposed to be in tremendous pain? Hadn't he been stabbed?

Naruto concentrated his focus on his shoulder but he didn't feel anything unusual.

He sighed in relief. It had all been a dream.

Blinking open his eyes, Naruto's sight was met with two faces. One face was that of an old man, who was holding a wet cloth to his face. The other face was pale with dark eyes and frown permanently sketched into it.

Oh no!

"Sasuke!" Naruto shouted, his hand reaching out and clasping the wrist of his best friend, who was crouched and leaning over him. Sasuke reaction was subtle, but Naruto could tell by the way he slightly tensed and quickly glanced down at the contact that he wasn't too pleased with the touch, however Naruto could care less. He had to make sure he wasn't still stuck in his horrendous dream. "How long have we been friends? We're only friends right? You're not trying to kill me, right?"

"Tch," Sasuke's tongue clicked against his teeth. He wouldn't look at Naruto as he glared at something to the side. "Idiot, we're not friends, and I'll kill you if you ever ask again."

It was rude and insulting.

"Sasuke!" Naruto cried in bliss, and without warning, sat up and wrapped his arms tightly around Sasuke's neck. The old man who had been holding the wet cloth, moved out the hyper blonde's way, and stayed back, though he looked on in worry. It would appear he was more concerned about Naruto's well-being than the blond was himself, and who could blame him? Naruto was clinging to Sasuke, which everyone knew was a death wish.

"Don't you dare change, you bastard!" Naruto yelled as he clung onto his best friend. He could feel Sasuke's fingers dig into his upper arms as the older boy tried to physically remove Naruto's grip on him, but Naruto refused to let go. This was his Sasuke; rude and cold hearted, but his nonetheless, and he would never trade his friend for any other version of the boy.

"Let go!" Sasuke scowled, and pushed against Naruto.

"It would be best if you let go, and laid back down. That bump to your head is rather nasty." the old man mumbled, but was too timid to try and force Naruto off of Sasuke.

"Only an idiot who walks into a pole wouldn't understand what 'Let go' means!" Sasuke huffed while still trying to pry Naruto off of him, and Naruto smiled blissfully.

Nope. He wouldn't trade his friend for anyone or anything.

…Well, maybe for ramen.

Author Ramblings: Thank you for reading my little crack-fic. I guess this is what happens when an author writes so much drama that their head finally explodes with humor. I based the three weird Sasuke's on some clichés found in Naruto fanfiction. As for any readers who read my other work, please look at my profile for information.