Permission to Grieve
Waves crashed against the solid rock from the force of the wind. The sun had fallen behind the ocean's horizon and the once vividly red-orange sunset was slowly being cloaked by twilight. They had touched lips. They had began to kiss, until Jellal pulled back, and lied about having a fiancee. Of course Erza saw right through it, but the unwavering guilt was crushing him thus causing him to not fully go through with it and come up with a clumsy lie. Awkward moment between the two of them passing, small talk about various things and an hour later, silence had befallen them briefly as they watched the watched the sky change to a deep purple.
Twinkling stars were filling the slowly blackening empyrean before them. Jellal sat quietly, his hands entertwined with one another, Erza standing somewhat behind him, but close enough to his side that he caught glimpses of her scarlet tresses blowing in the wind, like fine threads of red silk, out of the corner of his hazel eye. It made something inside of his heart clench painfully as a shadow of their past brushed over him. The touch of her hair, so soft and beautiful. How he longed to touch it now like he did back then, with a friend watching jealously and furiously. Jellal squeezed his hands together tightly and stared hard in front of him, focusing on the shadows of the palm trees who's leaves swayed with the night breeze.
"Erza...?" he began carefully, not daring to look up into the redhead's face.
"What is it?" her curious voice resounded in his ears.
Jellal swallowed hard. "It's been seven years... since I regained my memory. Remembering the friends we had as children, how close we all were. You, me, Wally, Grandpa Rob, Milliana, everyone... until Ultear possessed me, and then I couldn't control myself. The Tower of Heaven, Simon... it still haunts me. Like I can't let go."
"Jellal," Erza began and Jellal felt her presence approach him from behind. He continued to stare straight ahead into the star-speckled sky. "Have you given yourself the opportunity to grieve properly for Simon's loss?"
Jellal raised his head in surprise at her question, but did not look back at Erza. "Grieve? For Simon?" He chuckled bitterly before lowering his head once more to glare down at his boots. "I shouldn't even be entitled to grieve for his loss. After all, it was my hand that took his life."
"But was it really your hand?" Erza questioned calmly. "Jellal, Ultear explained it herself that she was the one controlling you in the Tower of Heaven. If you want to get technical, ultimately, it was Ultear that killed Simon. Not you. Why do you think I won't avenge Simon by taking your life?"
"It was still me, Erza," something in Jellal's voice trembled ever so lightly. "I had no control over myself. I was completely gone. It was my hand, my magic, that robbed Simon of his life, of his existence. I took Simon away from you, away from his sister, his friends."
"Do you think that Simon feels that way?" Erza asked him softly. "Do you think that Simon blames you, and that he would want to see you suffering like this? Overwhelmed by remorse and pain?"
"I think if Simon had his way, he'd probably rather see me dead," Jellal stated bluntly and he heard Erza sigh behind him.
"If you think that Simon would want you to die then you don't understand who he is as a person at all. Don't be silly, Jellal." Out of nowhere he felt a small, warm hand lay against his shoulder and squeeze it ever so lightly. "Simon cared for everyone, you included. That's why I think that Simon wouldn't want you to be like this. You can't keep your pain locked inside of you, Jellal. It will eventually break you down into something nobody would want to see. Nobody wants to see a man who's given up on his life or tortures himself daily because of his guilt. If you told Simon you needed to mourn for him, Simon would tell you that's alright. Mourn for me, but don't suffer needlessly over me either. At least, that's what I think."
Jellal raised his head once more and this time looked over his shoulder at the stunning scarlet haired woman standing behind him. They locked gazes and her eyes were soft, her expression gentle and calming as a warm summer rain. The wind blew more locks of hair back from her face, and Jellal felt a lump build up in his throat. "Is it... is it okay, Erza?" he questioned with uncertainty.
The look on his face was so lost, so broken. Erza knelt down onto her knees and wrapped both arms around Jellal's shoulders. "Yes. It's okay, Jellal. Grieve, mourn for him. You're a human being and you feel loss just like anyone else would, regardless of how it happened. Simon was special to you too."
Jellal stared down at the rocky ground underneath them. "I close my eyes at night and I see him jumping in front of you to protect you. I sent that attack at you. It could have killed you, and I watch him fall while listening to the echoes of my own laughter. It's sickening, and it's a nightmare I can't wake myself from. It's there with my waking eyes and there when I sleep," Jellal found himself blurting out and unable to stop himself.
He kept going as the memories of friendship, childhood, death and loss wavered in his mind. His throat tightened and his eyes burned. He closed them and shook his head. "And then when I thought you were dead, and gone for all of those years... But, even still... I wish there were some way I could tell him I'm so sorry, some way I could bring him back or some way I could make amends or back in time and fix everything. How can I ever atone for something like this, Erza?" Jellal raised his knee up and rested one arm over it, his head hanging, and he couldn't fight the break in his voice, the tone of tears sounding in his voice. He rested his head against his arm, shielding his face from Erza's view. He didn't want her to see him like this, though she had seen him cry once before, it was still something he didn't want her witnessing.
"You are atoning, Jellal," Erza told him gently, pressing into his back in comfort. "Look at all the good you've done these past years I've been away. Look at all the lives you've saved, dark guilds you've taken out. I'm sure Simon is watching you right now and feels the same way I do. That you have grown into a wonderful, respectable, brave man. That person in the Tower of Heaven wasn't you. I'm sure Simon knows that too, Jellal. In fact, I'm positive of it."
Silence fell in between the two before Jellal's shoulders began trembling underneath Erza's gentle hold, and he felt her squeeze him tighter as he could no longer hold back his emotions that had been brimming the surface since he and Erza had made their way to this area to be alone and talk. His urge to grieve and mourn his friend's loss, despite the fact that it was his hand who took his friend's life, overcame him and the heavenly-bodied mage began to weep. First softly, body shuddering before his breath hitched, his vision increasingly distorted, his sobbing becoming more profound. He then felt Erza pull him back, her face laying tenderly against the back of his neck. "I feel so lost," he choked out.
"Shhhh, it's alright now. I'm here for you. You don't have to feel lost anymore," Erza told him softly as she pulled Jellal around comfortingly against her chest, his face now hidden inside of her arms wrapped soothingly around his face and his head, her fingers stroking his soft, blue spikes of hair. Jellal's heart lept at those words as he remembered Erza telling him those exact same words years ago, back when he was trapped in amnesia, back when he didn't remember a single thing about his former life or who he was. Erza could feel each tear land on her arm, warm and wet, and her grip tightened ever more. He brought a hand up to her arm and clutched at it
The scarlet haired knight cradeled him as the man mourned for everything that happened, everything that was, and everything that might have been. He was never a man of emotions, never a man of tears, and he felt like it was selfish of him to let himself go like this, but it had been years since the last time he'd cried. Erza had told him it was okay, and so he held onto that belief and let himself grieve, not just for Simon's loss, but for everything he'd endured. Erza's mysterious disappearance and thought to be dead was the last time he'd really let himself fall into any state such as the one he was in now.
Jellal wasn't sure how long he'd let himself cry, let himself selfishly soak up the sweet, warm comfort that was Erza Scarlet, but he eventually found himself calming down, his tears slowing, and then drying up. Breathing slightly uneven, and feeling thoroughly ashamed of himself, Jellal pulled out of Erza's hold. He couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye. "I'm sorry," he stammered out, sounding as if he had a bad head cold. "That was selfish of me."
Erza just laughed softly. "No, Jellal. That was human of you. Not selfish. It's alright," and the smile in her tone forced him to look up into those stunning chocolate eyes with just a hint of violet. She closed her eyes, with long black lashes brushing against her cheeks and nodded her head before opening them again to stare back into his own tear-shod ones. "Better now?"
"Yes. A little, I think. Thank you, Erza," the mage replied brushing his hand over his face, a light blush dusting his cheeks. Jellal rose to his feet and extended a hand to the requip mage in front of him. Erza took it and he pulled the girl to her feet. He walked hand in hand with her over to the edge of the now calming ocean, as the wind had died down. Letting go of her hand, Jellal crouched down and splashed cool water over his heated face. "Perhaps we should be getting back," he stated, rising back to his feet. "It's hard to say how the others are faring with Ultear unlocking their second origins," Jellal attempted a small smile and Erza nodded in agreement.
"Yes, I think that would be a good idea. It's getting late after all." The light breeze blew through her hair once more and yet again, Jellal longed to reach out and touch it. He allowed himself one more moment of selfishness. He placed his hand against her cheek and brushed back the silkened, crimson locks. Erza closed her eyes, leaning into his touch, and placed her hand over top of his. "Yes. Well then. Let's head back." Jellal nodded in agreement. The twosome stood that way for a moment, before Erza reluctantly dropped her hand, as did Jellal. The pair made their way back to their friends, back to a new start, back to a possible, better future, and back to a story for the two of them that was only just beginning