Outside it is gray and cloudy, much like how I've been feeling on the inside. It reminds me of how the iron grey sea tosses back in forth, the calm before the storm. Most days I don't even feel alive. I just exist. Can you give me something to believe in? Because right now I'm breathing just to breathe and I need something to keep on breathing for. Since you left me, I feel as if everything around me is falling apart, no matter how hard I try to fix me I can't. If I can't fix myself, than who can? Lord! If you are real please breathe into me, and make me real again. I'm begging you, make me whole again. Stop the tides from taking me under. Deep inside my sub conscious mind a voice says "God can't save you, you're too far gone."
They say kill what destroys you, but what if what's destroying you is yourself? I remember the first time I met you, do you remember me? It's funny how you do things for the ones you love, and also how blinded love can make you. Love is but a word, which you give meaning to. You were once everything I hoped for in life. Unbeknownst to you, you were the first one I let through my walls in a long time. You dismantled them. Then you left, leaving nothing but a skeleton of once was. Maybe you can see what began to take root in my heart? Sorry conscious, I should have listened to you. Look at all the damage I have caused my heart. Sorry for all the times I've cut, sorry for all the pills, sorry for all the times I've tried to drown you at the bottom of a bottle. Tell me heart. Why do you still beat?
When will you let me die? My body submits, my soul succumbs, but why does my mind still resist? I can feel myself becoming everything I did not want to be. My heart has been shattered, and what's left of my soul is slipping away. I have nothing left, but hate and sadness. I'm not dead, but I'm not alive either. I'm just a ghost with a beating heart.
I stand above you, knife held high, and I watch as your chest falls up and down to the rhythm of sleep, in perfect sync, like how the reflection of water is before it's disrupted. Like how it was through our entire relationship, but that's ok now. I can see now. I bear down with full force. So remember love, as I look into your eyes watching the light leave them, as you blood spills across the bed. You killed me first.