Family Business Feud
By Churnok
Disclaimer
Lobo is the copyright of DC comics and is used here for non-profit entertainment purposes only. His daughter Mera is my creation and not to be used without my permission. To find out how Lobo got a kid of his own read my story entitled Daddy Lobo. Permission is given to anyone who wants to archive this story as long as they let me know first and give me a link to their site. I welcome any comments, questions, and/or constructive criticisms. Warning; alien profanity and battle induced nudity.
He studied the fortifications surrounding his quarry. It was an impenetrable fortress reputed to have enough weapons and ammunition to stop a couple armies. He loved a challenge.
Then his attention was drawn to a cloud of dust approaching the fortress. His binoculars zoomed in on the cause of the cloud. Chalk white skin, greasy black hair and psychotic red eyes. Yep, that cloud was announcing the arrival of one of the biggest walking attitudes ever to ride a space bike. He should know. He raised her.
Lobo kicked his own bike into high gear. "Time to have a little talk with my daughter."
His bike roared up alongside hers. He had to yell to be heard over the combined noise.
"What the frag are you doing here Mera?!"
"The same thing yer doing here," she yelled back. "Trying to clloect the bounty on this scrag bag!"
"What have I told ya about trying to steal bounties from other hunters?!"
"That if the other fragger can't keep it he doesn't deserve it!"
"Ya, the OTHER fragger! I'm yer fragging father!"
By this time they had come into range of the base's defenses and had to stop talking while they dodged incoming fire.
"Nice defense system," Mera said to herself. "I'll have to come back and raid this place after I collect the bounty."
"The only thing yer gonna collect is a swat on the backside!" Lobo said over the com system their bikes shared. "Nobody messes with the Main Man! Especially not his own brat!"
"Aw stow it Dad!" she yelled back. "The Main Woman can handle this Czarnian dirt digger just as well as the Main Man!"
"That aint the point! The point is that this is my target not yours! Go get yer own chew toy!"
"Come-on Dad! You know how hard it is to find a chew toy with this much spice!"
The two bounty hunters continued to argue until, to their mutual disappointment, they reached the front gates.
"Aw dang," Muttered Mera. "Just when we were getting warmed up."
Lobo shrugged. "It's hard ta have a good argument while dodging heavy weapons fire anyway."
"Yeah," his daughter agreed with a grin. "Ya just can't trade punches that way."
They dismounted and pounded on the towering gates.
"Ding Dong Lobo calling!"
A couple dozen gun slits opened in the gates. High powered laser rifles targeted them.
"I don't think they're interested in buying Dad," said Mera.
"Nah, they just want a demo first." And with that they both unslung their slug throwers and began blasting. When the smoke cleared the laser rifles were destroyed but the doors remained unscathed.
"humph," muttered Lobo. I guess he shoulda bought his guns at the same place he bought that door."
Mera studied the door. "Solid trillium. Inch thick and with what looks like a couple coatings of heat proofing. We can't blast through the front door. Can't pound through it either." She looked around until she found the covering for the external access port and grinned. "Time to hack this place." She slung her gun over her shoulder as she walked over to the port, tore off the cover, plugged in her pocket computer and began to hack the system while Lobo reloaded his slug-thrower.
Mera and Lobo had so much in common that it was scary, but while he knew only two ways to open a locked door (either break it down or blow it up) Mera knew several (most of which actually left it intact). She could hack into any system in the time it takes her father to trash a bar and that's with both of them at the same level of intoxication.
Meanwhile, deep within the fortress an alarm woke the self proclaimed overlord of the galactic underworld who was the target of the two bounty hunters.
"Warning. System breach," said the monotone female voice repeatedly, barely audible over the klaxon.
"Computer, activate counter measures and display intruders," he said as he got out of bed and walked to the control console. "And shut that blasted alarm off!" The klaxon went silent as a view of the front gates appeared on the screen followed by an expletive from the overlord. "What is this father-daughter day for bounty hunters?" He quickly checked on the status of his external defense systems. It was as he feared. The bounty hunter had gotten past the long ranged defenses and had destroyed the gate guns. Lobo's reputation was known throughout the galaxy. The only reason Mera's reputation wasn't as bad or as well known was because she hadn't been around long enough. The very idea of Lobo even reproducing was considered a horror story that most civilized cultures prayed wasn't true. The overlord wondered which gods he had P.O.ed to warrant the punishment of a visit from the two people who defined cruel and unusual as he activated internal defenses and primed his battle suit and escape pod.
"Ya got that door open yet?" Lobo asked impatiently. "I wanna haul this bastich in before happy hour."
"Just getting an internal schematic. I know you want to blow the place off the planet, but I want to minimize the odds of this fragger getting away while we're breaking his toys."
"Lobo shrugged, "if he runs I'll get pissed, hunt him down and beat him up before I toss what's left to the people paying for his hide," he said like it was business as usual.
"We don't get paid for a corpse on this one."
"Hey I know my job," Lobo said, cocking his gun for emphasis, "he'll still be breathing when I turn him in. He'll just be unable to do much else for awhile."
The doors opened with the requisite ominous groan as Mera unplugged her pocket computer. "Yeah, but with my way we don't have to worry about bloodstains on our bikes, not to mention the fact that I want to get back in time for happy hour as much as you do." She reloaded her gun and they strode into the fortress.
The Overlord figured he had fifteen minutes before the psychotic bounty hunters got to his inner chamber. Just enough time for him to escape but first he had to make sure they didn't survive to come after him. He set the lockdown to activate two minutes after he left and the self destruct to go off thirty seconds after that. Now he was prepared to escape. At that moment the door to his inner chamber was blown open.
"Looks like our host is trying' to run out on us," Lobo said with a sneer as he stepped through the smoking hole.
"And we came all this way to dance with him too," Mera said as she stood beside Lobo.
The overlord roared and charged them intending to crush them both with the massive power in his battle-suit's fists. Mera caught the Overlord's right fist in her left hand, while lobo caught the Overlord's left fist in his right hand. They used the transferred momentum to spin and slam their elbows into the oncoming torso sending it flying backwards and tearing the arms off in the process.
"That was too easy," Lobo muttered annoyed.
"Cheer up Dad. Maybe this suit regenerates."
They watched and were soon rewarded as the suit grew two plasma cannons to replace the arms. From the quickly mending torso the Overlord spoke. "Foolish bounty hunters. Did you really think that I, the Overlord of the Galactic Underworld could be defeated by mindless thugs like you?"
The bounty hunters looked at each other, looked back at the Overlord, shrugged and said, "Yeah."
"Insolent insects!" he shouted and began firing at them. They dodged and Mera tossed an explosive at the crotch of the battle suit, which blew the legs off.
"Emasculating female!" the Overlord shouted (though not in a soprano) as he scored a hit on her sending her crashing through the wall.
"Mera!" It was now Lobo's turn to shout. He glared at the Overlord. "That tears it you venushien pig fragging bastich. You can insult me. You can shoot me. You can even blow me up, that's just business. But you just made it personal. Nobody and I mean NOBODY hurts the Main Man's Main Girl and gets away with it!" He rushed the suit and tore it open revealing a green monkey.
"Hello Ogu," Lobo snarled as he grabbed the primate and pulled him free of the battle suit.
"Let go of me you flea bitten animal. No one touches Ogu the great!"
"Not a chance tree rat. First you're going to apologize to my daughter. Then you're going for a ride."
"You fool. Your precious daughter is dead. I blasted her full in the chest."
"Yeah and you ruined my favorite jacket," said Mera as she climbed back through the hole. She was still smoking from the blast and she was practically topless but alive and pissed.
"It takes more than a single blast from a plasma cannon to take us out," Lobo explained. "Which is fortunate for you. If Mera was dead, then I would make sure you wished you were. Now apologize and let's go."
"If I didn't kill her, then why did you fly into such a rage?"
Lobo bonked Ogu on the head a couple times. "Hello, dummy. She's my daughter. As any good parent, and many of the bad ones, will tell you. You hurt my kid, I hurt you. Understand?"
"Pretty birdies," was the only reply. Lobo had bonked him a little too hard.
"OK, we came, we saw, we kicked monkey butt," said Mera as she walked up beside her father, brushing off bits of dirt and discarding the remains of her shirt, bra and jacket. "Now I just need to change clothes and we can go split the bounty on Bonzo here.
"Hold it. Who said we were splitting the bounty?" Lobo snarled.
"Hey, you'd still be trying to get inside if it weren't for me hacking the fragging system. Besides, I'm the one who got blasted."
"You got blasted because you got sloppy," Lobo countered as he started for the door only to be clocked from behind by one of the battle suit's robotic arms.
"There is no way that I'm letting you cut me out of this deal," Mera snarled.
"You think the Main Man can be taken down by a spoiled brat like you?" Lobo replied as he tossed the monkey aside and pulled out a hand blaster.
"Hey, I learned from the best," Mera pulled her own blaster, "I'll have to thank uncle Crago for the lessons sometime."
"Why you little…" They began to battle as only family members who have little to no concept of morals or fair play can battle until a stray shot slagged the wrong control panel and activated the lockdown followed by the self destruct.
"Warning, base lockdown has been activated," said the computer. "Self destruct thirty seconds after lockdown completed. Minimum safe distance unknown."
Lobo and Mera cast annoyed glances at the computer like kids whose mother had called them in for supper just when the game was getting good. Then they bolted for the door. Mera grabbing Ogu as they ran, trying to get out before the trillium walls slammed down sealing each section of the fortress. They made it out just as the outer gates were closing, though Lobo did lose a boot to the doors. Their bikes were moving almost before they were properly mounted and the two hightailed it for the upper atmosphere. Once there they turned back and watched the fortress turn into a giant mushroom that probably sent a shockwave across the hemisphere.
"We really have to stop arguing in buildings," Mera said after a moment's thought.
"Yeah," her father agreed, "we always get interrupted by the place coming down around our ears."
Mera tossed Ogu to her father while she dug a relatively clean shirt and bra out of her bike's storage compartment and put them on. She would have to buy a new jacket.
"So, you going to cut me in on half of this guy?" she asked once she was dressed.
Lobo shrugged, "I was going to use some of it to help you pay your tuition at Fragger University anyway. I was just ticked at you trying to steal my mark."
Mera sighed and quoted the university slogan, "Frag U. the place where the scum of the universe send their kids for higher learning. Hard to believe I'll be starting my senior year there once summer vacation is over."
"The Main Girl is growing up," Lobo said with fatherly pride, "and if she don't graduate valedictorian somebody's gonna get a frag grenade suppository."
"Yeah and I'm not excluded from the list of possible recipients," Mera said with a grin. "Now let's go return this monkey to his bride and collect the bounty from her father so we can celebrate during happy hour."
"Last fragger there buys the first round!" Lobo declared as he flew off.
"You're on old man!" she yelled after him as she pursued him. Another job done for the two biggest attitudes in bounty hunting.