I saw something on the Jay Leno Show, a parody of Die Hard, with John too upset about Edward and Bella breaking up to fight the bad guys. This is what happened.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
…
Hermione Granger had had enough. She knew that most people her age experienced a certain amount of 'angst' but this was outside of enough. Harry had missed an entire day of class! She pounded on the door of the Room of Requirements, Ron behind her.
"Harry James Potter! Open this door this instance! You've been in there for three days! The weekend was fine, but what about classes? And Voldemort. He's not going to defeat himself this year." She heard nothing from inside. "Ronald, did he say anything to you before he went in?"
Ron looked thoughtful. "Something about his One True Pairing."
Hermione sighed. "Oh dear."
She opened the door and went in, Ron following her. The room was all dark with a spot light on a bed with black bed sheets. Harry was on the bed curled in a ball and crying. Next to the bed was a nightstand with four books on it. Hermione sat next to him and rubbed his back.
"Oh, Harry, did your OTP not work out?"
Harry nodded, his face buried in a pillow.
"I know the world seems like its going to end. I remember my first OTP, it was Rachel and Tobias from Animorphs by K.A. Applegate. She died in the very last book. I was so heartbroken I cried for weeks and was inconsolable. But life will go on. And there are fans of the Erik/Christine from Phantom of the Opera or Kirk/Spock from Star Trek that will never get together in cannon and-"
Harry jerked up right. "My situation is different!"
Ron, who had been zoning out while Hermione was talking about muggle things zeroed back in.
"How is it different?"
"My pairing broke up!"
"Harry, that's not unique. What about Rose and Mickey from Doctor Who, or Sherlock and Irene from the Arthur Conan Doyle works."
Harry started to cry again. Hermione rubbed his back. "There, there."
Sensing he wasn't going to care about what was going to happen next Ron looked at the books on the night stand. The covers looked interesting, even if they weren't moving. He took the four and went to his dorm. He would read them out of sheer boredom.
Hermione was able to get Harry to stop crying. "Who is your OTP?"
"Bella and Edward."
It took Hermione a moment to place the names. "No, Harry! How could you. Those books are nothing but tripe and mind rot."
"No, they're not! I wear my love proudly!" Harry pulled aside his robes to show he was wearing a shirt with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson on it.
"Harry, the books are finished; they got married and had a kid. They did not break up."
"Yes they did. She cheated on him. And it wasn't even with Jacob!"
Hermione's brain stalled. He was talking about the actors. He was raised in the muggle world, he should know the difference between actors and characters. "Harry, they didn't- that's not…"
"And what about Nessie!"
"What does the Lock Ness-"
"No!" Harry wailed. "Renesmee. Their daughter. What's going to happen to her?"
Hermione's eyebrow twitched. She smacked him on the head. "You're being ridiculous. I expect to see you in class tomorrow."
She swept out of the room grandly enough to make Snape proud- if he could ever be proud of a Gryffindor.
Harry started to cry again.
…
"Hey Ginny?" Ginny looked up from her homework to look at her brother. "I just finished this book. It was pretty interesting. Harry let me borrow it, and I thought you'd like it."
Ginny took the book, wondering what both Harry and especially Ron could possibly like enough to read it.
"Twilight. Huh. The cover looks interesting."
…
Hermione was very annoyed. Harry hadn't come to class today. And it was potions. A thought struck her as she looked at the professor.
"Sir, why aren't you more upset about Harry not coming to class?"
"Less work for me if Potter is going to flunk out by not coming to class."
Hermione blinked, not expecting the answer.
"And twenty points from Gryffindor for questioning a professor."
Her eyebrow twitched twice.
…
As she walked to the Headmaster's office Hermione noticed most of her classmates were reading books. Part of her was very glad they were expanding their literary knowledge. She briefly wondered what the books were and if she'd read them.
She told the statue the password and entered Dumbledore's office. He was sitting behind his desk and eating lemon drops.
"Headmaster, I'm here about Harry."
"Ah, yes. Young Harry. How is he doing?"
"Well, you see, that's the problem. He hasn't been to classes. He's just sitting in the Room crying."
"Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine. Boys do as boys do, you know."
Hermione stared at her Headmaster. "What?"
"Have faith in me Hermione. All shall be well."
Hermione's eyebrow twitched three times. She stomped out of the office.
…
"Susan, here's your copy of the fourth book. I haven't read it yet, but Padma said it was the best one yet," Parvati said.
Susan eagerly took the book.
…
Hermione just wanted to concentrate on Herbology. That was very hard to do with a pouting Harry on one side, and a reading Ron on the other. Her other classmates were doing their schoolwork half heartedly, which wasn't different from any other class. What was different was that they kept sneaking glances at books. Even Professor Spout was reading. Hermione made a mental note to find out what books were so interesting to the Hogwarts population.
"Harry, can you please hand me the spade?" Hermione asked politely. She didn't look up from the pot she was concentrating on.
Harry looked at the spade between himself and Hermione.
Hermione looked up in time to see the spade fly by her and land in Draco's lap. He didn't react, too absorbed in his book.
Hermione sighed.
…
"My Lord?" Lucius received no answer. He was starting to get a little worried. He hadn't heard from the Dark Lord in nearly a week. He looked around the room. There was no one there, except Bella. She was sitting in a wing chair, reading. This was the calmest Lucius had ever seen her. He walked over, curious. There was a pile of books around her feet. He picked one up.
"Twilight. Hm. The cover must be broken, yet it draws me."
…
"I hereby call to order the first meeting of the Twilight Fan Group." Daphne Greengrass banged a mallet on the podium in front of her three times. Most of the population of Hogwarts was in attendance and all there applauded.
"The schedule for today includes; fundraising ideas for a trip to Forks, research into the possibility of Angelia being a witch, counseling for those with different OTPs to remain friends and voting on what our official colors and mascot will be."
…
"And the results of our look-a-like contest are in!" Seamus announced cheerfully. "In first place for Edward is… Cedric Diggory!"
Cedric stood up, outraged. "I object! I hate Edward! I'm firmly in camp Alice/Jasper!"
…
"Stupefy!"
Hermione facepalmed when Harry fell to the ground. "Honestly, Harry. You need to be more aware of your surroundings. What if I was a Death Eater? Ron, tell him!"
Ron looked up from the fanfiction he was writing. "Whatever Hermione said, mate."
Hermione undid the spell. "See Harry? Ron agrees with me, so you know its Sirius."
"I still don't see the purpose in life," Harry muttered.
…
Dumbledore look at the faces of the many students before him. Each was wearing a muggle shirt over their robes with a handsome young man on it. "How many I help you children?"
Neville Longbottom stepped forward and handed him a list of names. "This is a list of all the students who want Professor Lupin to come back and teach DADA."
The Headmaster looked at the names. There were a lot, many of whom he was surprised to see. There were a lot of pure bloods on the list. "May I ask why?"
"We're hoping he might know another werewolf. Also, we've realized that werewolves aren't evil."
"I see… well, I shall certainly take it under advisement."
…
At dinner Hermione finally couldn't contain her curiosity. She went to Ernie Macmillan. "What are you reading?"
Ernie showed her the book. "Its Eclipse, the third in the Twilight Series."
Hermione looked around her in horror. All of her fellow students were reading the Twilight books.
"No, no, nononononono!"
She ran to her dorm.
…
Hermione levitated a stupefied Harry to a hidden location.
"Harry, I'm doing this for your own good, as well as the good of the Wizarding World. I've found Voldemort's base. You're going to fight him, which will break this funk you're in. Then you'll win and that will distract everyone long enough so I can burn all those horrid books."
Hermione shoved a door open, her wand at the ready. "Oh, come on!"
All of the Death Eaters were sitting around, reading the Twilight books.
"Where is Voldemort?" she demanded.
Peter Pettigrew pointed to a door. Hermione stormed through it. "Alright, you two are going to fight, by Merlin!" She set Harry down and turned to look at Voldemort. He was curled up in a corner. "For goodness sake, what is wrong with everyone?"
Voldemort looked at Harry. "I-" he noticed the shirt Harry was wearing. "Were they your OTP too?"
"Yes! Now what's going to happen? The world is over!"
"And what about Nessie?"
Hermione screamed.