Title: sly cat
Summery: Albus Potter is sorted into Slytherin and it all goes downhill from there. Crack. [Birthday fic for Dearbhla!]
A/N: Birthday fic for Dearbhlá, aka IIR. 25/9/2012.
...
"SLYTHERIN!" the Sorting Hat called out as it was placed on top of the messy hair of Albus Potter.
The hall was silent.
"You owe me ten galleons, Al!" James yelled.
The hall was silent again.
"Well, shit," said Albus, realising the inevitability of him being the next Dark Lord.
...
The first thing Rose Weasley said to Albus was this: "Don't worry!"
"Oh, thank you –" said Albus, happy that there was someone who wasn't going to tell him he was going to be the next Dark Lord, whilst backing away and making signs to ward him off.
"I'm totally supporting all your evil plans, even if I am a Gryffindor!" Rose continued.
"Oh, damn it all."
...
Next morning, Albus received a Howler.
"ALBUS SEVERUS POTTER! YOU WERE NAMED FOR TWO HEADMASTERS OF HOGWARTS! ONE OF THEM WAS A SLYTHERIN AND HE DID WELL IN LIFE! ...WELL, I MEAN, HE DID ALRIGHT! ... OKAY, HE WASTED HIS ENTIRE LIFE MOANING AFTER ONE GIRL! BUT THE OTHER WAS A HONOURARY SLYTHERIN AND HE WAS AN MANIPULATIVE OLD COOT BUT WE LOVED HIM ANYWAY! HUGS AND KISSES, YOUR FAMOUS FATHER!"
Albus groaned and slammed his head into the table. Luckliy, Lucy Weasley Accioed his cereal away before he washed his hair in milk (despite that she was all the way over at the Gryffindor table. There were quite a few unhappy Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs that day).
...
"So, what evil plans are we doing today?" Rose asked as she hurried alongside Albus, who was quickly striding away.
"Nothing," said Albus exasperatedly and it continued that way until Halloween.
...
Albus woke up with a bad feeling on the thirty-first of October. He told this to Victoire Weasley, his seventh-year cousin, (or cousine as she would have said, being the most French person in Hogwarts).
"Bad things always happen at Halloween," he muttered, eating his cereal, sitting beside the sink and swinging his legs. Molly Weasley's (the Second) singing echoed into the room. "You know. My grand-parents' death. Attacks of Voldemort. The creation of the Golden Trio."
"Oh, I know, I know," Victoire mumbled, not listening to a word he was saying as she carefully did her make-up in the bathroom of the Gryffindor seventh-year girl's dormitory. It did take work to look as fabulous as she did, after all.
...
Something bad did happen.
As Rose and Albus walked down the corridor, they saw a troll. Specifically, they saw a troll going into the girls' bathroom.
"No," whispered Albus and dragged Rose away. He was not having a Neo-Golden Trio. No way.
Then he screaming started and Albus cursed his hereditary hero complex as he wheeled around. Rose promptly tore herself from his grasp and ran the rest of the way.
Inside, after the troll was knocked out by a book, they found Scorpius Malfoy.
"Wanna be friends?" Rose asked the Slytherin, smiling.
"What the hell were you doing in a girl's bathroom?" Albus questioned instead.
...
The Neo-Golden Trio (or whatever everyone was saying) were going into the Great Hall for breakfast, when they saw Dominique Weasley sitting at the Gryffindor, head slammed onto the table with a steaming goblet full of potion in front of her.
"Your dear cousin looks rather suspicious, Rose, Albus," Scorpius remarked. "I wonder what she is up to?"
"Shut up, Scorpius." Albus muttered but they went over to the Gryffindor table anyway.
"Hello, Dominique," greeted Rose as she sat down beside her. Scorpius and Albus placed themselves opposite to the two girls.
"Oh, whatever, Rose – you don't how I feel right now –," the fourth-year moaned as she raised her head. Then she saw who was on the other side of the table. "... oh, hello, Scorpius."
"I am a first-year, Weasley," he reminded her.
"Never stopped Remus Lupin," she smirked, flipping her hair and grinning.
"I'll give you that one," Albus said. "But is it a reference?"
"No, Albus. For the last time, I'm not a werewolf."
"Then why are you drinking Wolfsbane Potion?" Rose pointed out as she watched Dominique down the potion, grimancing.
"...it tastes nice?"
"It doesn't look very nice to me." Albus gave her a look.
Dominique glared.
...
The next morning, they woke up to find that:
a) The Hufflepuff Basement was flooded.
b) The Ravenclaw and Gryffindor towers had been blocked off.
c) THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED had been painted right beside the entrance to the Slytherin Dungeon.
The good thing was that classes were cancelled.
...
James, Fred and Lorcan whizzed by on their Firebolts III, laughing all the while.
The entire school was gathered in the Great Hall. The Hufflepuffs were standing huddled together for body warmth, the Ravenclaws were being snooty and the Gryffindors were sitting muttering while glaring at the Slytherins.
Flich was cleaning up Hufflepuff Basement, with the aid of the house-elves. Lysander Scamander was convinced that he had made a deal with Tom Riddle (when he was alive) for him and his cat to be immortal. Albus himself was convinced at times.
"If they ask us about the paint, I'm going to blame you," Albus whispered in Scorpius' ear.
"I am going to blame it on you," he whispered back into Albus' ear.
"What would Rose say?" Albus whispered accusingly.
"To blame it on Nott."
"Rose wouldn't say that."
"Imaginary!Rose would."
"...Okay, let's blame it on Nott."
"Agreed."
...
Nott was blamed.
It turned out that it was actually Hugo Weasley.