Love? Who knows what that is. I don't, that's for sure. I don't think I've ever really loved. I don't know if I can. Oh, it's not that I'm a complicated person because I'm not. I just don't like to be that weak. It's simple: when you love someone, you open yourself up to them. You let them see the 'real' you. A concept I'm not sure I'm all together comfortable with.

Not that I'm a crazy person or what have you. I'm just…I'm me and that discounts a lot, I'd say.

As for love and me? Well, I LOVE being a part of a band and my gigs, sure. Does that count? When I'm on stage, playing guitar or singing, I'm not Ray Barnett, MD. I'm Ray Barnett, Rock Star. Sure, I've used the word 'love' to get laid, but it's never been serious.

It could be argued I'm a private person. To a degree, I suppose we all are. But me? I'm not comfortable with the whole idea of vulnerability. It scares me. I'm seen as rough, tough, strong. I'm able to hold my own, so to speak.

So love? Between the ER and gigs, no time for it. I never really was loved and honestly, never really knew if I could ever love so deeply and allow someone to see me: Raymond Lee Barnett, Silly Ass.

Well, that was until a certain Neela Rasgotra entered my life.

She was Abby's roommate first and then, for whatever reason, Abby decided to not room with Neela anymore. I don't know if that's one issue I'll ever know the full story behind. But, I had a spare room and too much rent to take care of on my own, so I offered my room to Neela. Can't say that I've ever regretted it, though, honest, I've second-guessed it at times.

She was like every woman. Beautiful. Come on. I may not think I am able to love, but I ain't blind either. I thought several times, if I'm honest, of using the 'love' word to her, but she never struck me as the type that would be like my groupies. Say 'I love you' to a groupie, they're yours for as long as you want or even need them. Sometimes, just for the night, and that's just fine by me. Not Neela. She's…she's…she's…Neela.

I could just spend all day looking at her. She's petite. She's beautiful. Dark hair and eyes to match. A fiery temper that only seemingly invites you to rise to her. Skin that I want to know if it's as soft and smooth as it looks. Perfect lips for kissing. There have been times I've imagined kissing her.

There was one time I imagined marrying her. I imagined having kids with her. No one ever knew.

But, now. Now? She's married. Not to me. To Michael Gallant. I hate him. I hate him with every fiber of my being. Sadly, I hate myself even more for not telling her. Somewhere along the line, I discovered what love was, who I loved and now it's too late to tell her.

So, I watch and listen to her as she talks about him. I see her face light up and I hate that it's not me that makes her smile that way. I love her smile. She sings when she talks about him. God! Why not me? Why couldn't I make her voice sing that way about me?

I love how she pushes my buttons. I love when she's angry with me. I sometimes believe I piss her off just to see her get angry.

So, I've come to this conclusion: I love her.

I hate Gallant.

With that, I've discovered that without her, it's hard to breathe. It's even harder to move. The apartment is now too quiet. Too bachelory. Too anything and everything.

So, one more night, I'll use the 'love' word for a groupie, but it won't be the groupie I'll be thinking of and it won't be love I'm feeling. I need the company. I need to feel wanted by someone. But, I wish it was Neela that was by my side tonight and the next and every night.

I miss her already.

Without Neela, can I ever truly love…truly love again?

This is what I've been thinking all day – it's mostly ME…but somehow, putting these words for Neela isn't right. It just suited Ray. I hope you all like…it's a small glimpse into who NAVYCORPSMAN is.