Just Wanted You to Know
Betaread by StopTalkingAtMe
Chapter One
Arnold Rimmer did one last check of his shoe's for scuff marks before putting his shoes on and checking his appearance and fixing his hair. Satisfied he picked the shoe polish up and put it away in the locker. Lister rolled his eyes at the fact Rimmer would get ready for a shift of fixing vending machines like he was getting ready for a date.
"Second Technician Rimmer, please report to Captain Hollister's office," the voice of console operator Kristine Kochanski said over the speaker system.
"What did you do this time? Paint the captain again?" his subordinate and roommate Lister asked him.
"That was your fault for feeding me Titan mushrooms," Rimmer insisted. "I have no clue why he wants to see me this time."
Lister reminded him, "They were already out of your system. Just admit it, you're a nut case."
"I'll write you up for that, squire, calling a superior officer a nut case," Rimmer snapped, writing in his notebook he always kept in his breast pocket.
He made sure he was presentable before seeing the captain. Maybe his last exam results had been wrong, and he was going to be made an officer. People of his rank generally didn't see the Captain, yet Rimmer had seen Hollister and the previous two captains many times over the past twelve years he'd been working on the Red Dwarf. He was one of the longest serving crewmembers on the ship which was hard to believe considering his rank.
- Red Dwarf -
"You wanted to see me, Captain." Rimmer saluted his special salute, not one of the boring salutes that everyone else did.
"Rimmer, I don't care what you do in your free-time, however having prostitutes calling the ship looking for you is against the regulations and could block vital messages regarding our mission," Captain Hollister lectured.
"I have done no such thing!" Rimmer was offended that the captain would even think anything like that. Sure, on his planet leave, he had visited the Red Light district on different planets once or twice, but nothing ever happened since he'd chicken out and he most certainly didn't ask any of them to call him back if he did manage to make it to a room.
"Then why do I have someone who looks like the model Janine calling and asking to speak with you?" Hollister enquired.
"Only Janine I know is my sister-in-law. She's a real model, not a prostitute." Rimmer was offended that the captain could possibly think Janine was a hooker.
"You expect me to believe that Janine, the model, the successful model with a clothing range my wife adores, is your sister-in-law." Hollister clearly didn't believe that she was the real deal or that she would be related to someone like Rimmer.
"Yes, sir."
"So you won't mind if you take the call in my office, with myself present. To prove she really is who you say she is."
"Not at all, sir."
Hollister called out to the console officer. "Kochanski, connect Rimmer's call."
A few moments later Janine was on the video screen, the real Janine, his sister-in-law.
Arnold greeted her. "Janine, you look well. I wasn't expecting your call. What do I owe the pleasure?"
"When was the last time you spoke to your mother or brothers?" Janine asked in a to the point tone, not interested in small talk.
"It's been a while since I spoke to anyone." Arnold frowned and turned to Hollister, who was listening in. Technically his mother wasn't meant to contact him at all considering the whole divorce thing when he was still a teenager.
"You wouldn't know that your father passed away last week," Janine informed him, not at all sounding upset at her father-in-law's passing.
"How, when? Why didn't anyone tell me?" Arnold asked. He glanced back at the captain and tried to keep his face blank while inside he was falling apart. Did his family hate him that much they wouldn't even tell him his own father was dead? It didn't feel like this was real, it had to be a dream. Any minute he'd wake up in the medical bay to find this was some weird hallucination.
"Heart attack on Thursday night."
"Not a stroke?" Rimmer asked. If felt like he was watching from the outside as his body went through the motions of answering Janine.
Janine nodded. "Your mother's usual antics were the cause." She didn't need to elaborate; Rimmer knew what his mother was like, and the captain and officers didn't need to know. "Frank has a hard time accepting that your mother wasn't faithful." Rimmer rolled his eyes. Frank was always so oblivious to their parents' ways. "Your mother told the family she'd informed you of your father's passing."
"I haven't had any calls from her," Rimmer confirmed. The last call he had from his mother had been years ago. She usually only sent him letters.
"The funeral is next Saturday, that is the earliest John can get home." Janine continued. "I'm in charge of catering, and hadn't seen an RSVP come back from you, I do hope that you come. Tell me as soon as possible. Arnold, I want my children to meet their uncle. I must be going. The children will be home from school soon."
Arnold didn't say anything else. The call disconnected and he continued staring at the blank screen. His father was dead! His father had died without ever saying that he was proud to have him as a son. All he ever wanted was his father to say 'Arnold, I'm proud of you.' But not once, not once in his whole life had his father said those words to him.
"Rimmer," the captain called out. "Rimmer, Rimmer!"
Rimmer ignored Hollister trying to get his attention. "I need some time alone." Walking out, not waiting for a response to confirm he was dismissed; right now he honestly didn't care.
He couldn't return to his room; he wouldn't be able to deal with Lister right now. He missed the days when he had his room to himself. He made his way to his favourite observation deck, scaring the couple that was using it. He just sat looking at the stars, thinking about the father he hated. The father who hated him back, who he could never be good enough for. Maybe divorcing his parents when he was fourteen had been the wrong thing to do. Maybe if he stayed around, maybe things would be different.
- Red Dwarf -
"McIntyre, I want you to confirm if Second Technician Arnold Rimmer's father is really dead," Hollister requested. "I don't want him using this as an excuse for his poor work performance if it isn't true."
"Already done sir, Mr Harold Rimmer passed away recently of a heart attack," McIntyre confirmed. Everything Arnold Rimmer said needed to be confirmed as he often elaborated the truth as an excuse to get out of some duty that scared him. "Janine really is his sister-in-law sir, I did a background check a long time ago, his family really is exceptional, well, except for Rimmer himself."
"I believe that Rimmer is from one of the outer rim colonies. Put him on bereavement leave and organise for him to be on the next shuttle back to his home," Hollister ordered. "I don't care if he doesn't want to go; it will get him out of our hair for a few weeks."
"Yes, sir," McIntyre replied.
- Red Dwarf -
Rimmer didn't even know he had company until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Rimmer, you've been out all night and missed our shift. Did you get dumped by some girl? No, that can't be it, you'd have to get a date first. Did the captain tell you you're no longer allowed to take exams? I mean the only time you have missed a shift is when you've been in the hospital, usually after you failed your exams. I checked the medibay first, the nurses hadn't seen you. I then asked around, and Chen mentioned you interrupted his date last night. I didn't know where else to look so I thought I'd see if you were still here." His roommate prattled on.
"You noticed I was gone," Rimmer said in surprise. Turning to face Lister, looking for any hint on his face that he was lying or about to prank him.
"Well, of course I noticed. You're always in my nose about something," Lister replied. "It's rather quiet in our room without you telling me not to smoke or reciting other rules and regulations to me. It was fun at first, I got worried when you still didn't return. You do end up in the medibay a lot."
"No one ever notices when I am gone. Or if anyone did, they didn't care that I was gone or was grateful that I was gone. No one will miss me when I die."
"Of course someone will miss you, I mean everyone has someone. What about your family, I'm sure they miss you?" Lister ssuggested, sounding concerned.
"Nobody likes me, not even my own family," Rimmer confessed. "I bet the day I die, they will throw a party and celebrate the fact that I'm not there to annoy them anymore. I was a disappointment to my parents, they made that very clear, I couldn't live up to their expectations. I wasn't like John as much as I wanted to be, he was perfect and could do no wrong in my parent's eyes. Did well at school, had lots of girlfriends. Was the youngest person to be accepted into the Space Corp Special Forces. Frank also did really well at school, is now a captain in the Space Corps and married the most perfect woman in the universe. Howard was excellent at sports and always had a girl on each arm, he's in the Space Corp as well, but I'd already left before he was accepted in so I'm not sure what he does. Then there was me who was horrible at school work, failed at sports and only had one real girlfriend who left me for my brother and a few failed dates. My parents didn't love me or like me. I divorced my parents when I was fourteen. I needed to get away from them, I needed breathing room from their disapproving looks. I thought I would go out on my own, make something of myself, and prove them wrong. But that hasn't happened, I still haven't made something for myself. I failed miserably and proved them right."
Rimmer had never told anyone about what his home life was actually like beforehand. He'd brag about his family, but never talked about how they mistreated and ignored him. Absorbed in his own self pity and not registering it was Lister he was talking to, Rimmer didn't notice the concern growing on Lister's face.
"You're not going suicidal on me, are you?" Lister asked with concern. "Killing yourself is not the answer. Maybe you just need a change and do something completely different, find something you are good at. They have people on the ship that you can talk to."
"What's the pont? I've already spoken to the people on the ship who are meant to help and it didn't change anything, made everything worse in some cases. The former psychologist said she couldn't help and referred me to someone else off the ship and refused to see me anymore. The current one has more problems than I have. What can I do? I'm not good at anything? I can't even pass my smegging exams after all these years and all those hours studying. I spend hours thinking I was a fish during my last exam! What type of person does that? I wish I was a fish. Everything would be easier as a fish. I wouldn't commit suicide, didn't even give it a thought. I'm too much of a coward to even try, I like living too much despite the fact I don't have anything worth living for."
"Then what is this about? I've never seen you like this before."
"My father died. He died over a week ago, and my mother and brothers didn't even think to tell me he is dead. I found out from my sister-in-law, that was why I was called up to the captain's office. He didn't believe that she is related to me. My father died and not once did he tell me that he was proud of me. I heard him tell John all the time that he was proud of him, I heard him tell Frank at least once a week. I heard him tell Howard that he was proud of him multiple times. He would boast to other people how proud he was of John and Frank. Not once did he say those words to me, and now he's dead and will never say that he is proud of me, proud to call me his son. I hated him you know, hated that I could never live up his expectations."
"I lost my father when I was six. My gran told me that he'd gone to the same place my goldfish had gone. I thought that she meant to the loo so I would sit in the bathroom talking to him down the toilet. Reading him the cricket and the Zero G football scores," Lister told him with a slight chuckle.
"And your mother?" Rimmer asked.
"She died when I was young, I don't remember her. My parents were not my real parents, I was adopted. Me real parents left me under a pool table in a pub. I always wondered, why didn't they love me? What was so wrong about me that they abandoned me in a pub at only a few months old. I don't even know when my real birthday is. The point I'm trying to make is sometimes it's nothing that you do - they are the problem. I was a baby, what could've I done to cause my biological parents to abandon me? You should stop worrying about doing something to make them love you. Work on loving yourself first and making yourself happy. That's what I'm doing, working at keeping myself happy, working towards a dream that others may think is crazy. I'm going to buy land on Fiji and raise a few animals, get married to someone I love and have a couple of kids. Be a better parent then my biological parents."
The two men sat in silence for a while longer, looking up at the stars, deep in thought about their own families. "Rimmer, come back to the room; have dinner, shower and some sleep. Tomorrows a new day, start living for you and not some smeghead who never appreciated his own kid."
Rimmer nodded and followed Lister back to their shared room.