The Arkham Solution
"I just don't think it's a good idea," said Dr. Leland firmly.
"Excuse me, Dr. Leland, but the mayor isn't interested in your thoughts," said the PA, coldly. "He is merely interested in informing you that he will be visiting with a few select guests at the end of the week to inspect this facility and its inmates. And he trusts you will have this facility and its inmates ready for inspection."
"It's not as simple as that," snapped Dr. Leland.
"I don't see why not," replied the PA. "This facility should always be kept up to the highest standards of…"
"I'm not talking about the facility," interrupted Dr. Leland. "I'm talking about the inmates. If you really expect them just to sit quietly and behave while the mayor and his cronies stare at them, like animals in a zoo, then I'm afraid you are completely unfamiliar with the inmates of this facility."
"That is neither my problem nor the mayor's," retorted the PA. "It's yours. As head of this institution, you are responsible for the behavior of its inmates. I would suggest that you use your power and authority to make them behave."
Dr. Leland snorted. "I may be good, but I'm not a miracle worker. Even Batman can't make the Joker behave."
"I repeat, this is not the mayor's problem," said the PA, rising. "It's yours. I have done you the courtesy of informing you of his visit, which is more than generous. I trust you will have everything prepared in good time. I will see you then, Dr. Leland. Goodbye."
The PA left Dr. Leland's office, and she stared after him, astounded. Her astonishment quickly turned into a mass of other emotions – annoyance, rage, and mostly concern. She sighed heavily, standing up and slowly making her way down the hall to the cafeteria, where the inmates were having lunch. Or at least, that was what they were supposed to be doing. She sighed heavily again as she heard shouting and screaming coming from the room.
She entered to see the guards trying to hold back a very angry Poison Ivy from attacking the Joker, who was giggling uncontrollably. "What happened?" demanded Dr. Leland, rushing over to them.
"This bastard slipped vegetables into my food!" screamed Ivy, lunging forward. "He thinks it's really funny to make me eat my own babies! It's not funny, you monster, it's just disgusting!"
"Well, why don't you go all bulimic and throw them up, then, Pammie?" chuckled Joker. "You could stand to lose a few pounds anyway, y'know."
Ivy screamed and started forward again. "Red, Mr. J, stop it, please!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, stepping in between them. "Why can't we all just get along?"
"Because he's a vicious, evil, sick creep!" shrieked Ivy.
"That ain't a nice way to talk about the man I love, Red!" snapped Harley. "Anyway, he's doing you a favor! People need veggies so they're healthy – he's probably saving you from cancer or something! But you always gotta see the worst in him!"
"Yeah, since when am I the bad guy, Pammie?" asked Joker, in mock offense. "At least Harley appreciates my loving and generous nature," he cooed, patting her on the head. She squeaked happily and kissed him. "What is your problem with me anyway, Pammie?" he asked, grinning at Ivy. "Why are you always picking fights? Is it jealousy? Got a craving to get down with the clown, huh?"
"I would rather sleep with Scarecrow!" snapped Ivy. "No offense, Professor," she said, turning to him.
"None…taken," said Jonathan Crane, slowly, looking up from his book. "Although actually there is. When did I become the lowest common denominator? I thought that was Eddie Nygma!"
"I could have said Nygma, but you were there," retorted Ivy. "Look, it's nothing personal, Johnny, you're just not my type. Just like J isn't my type."
"Count your blessings, guys, she's the kinda bitch who loves you and leaves you," muttered Two-Face.
"Shut up, Harvey!" snapped Ivy. "You just can't let it go, can you?"
"And why should I let it go, you selfish tramp?" demanded Two-Face.
"Everyone just calm down!" snapped Dr. Leland. "Pamela, you can either sit quietly and finish your lunch with the others, or you can be escorted back to your cell without finishing your lunch. The choice is yours."
"Isn't he gonna be punished?" shouted Ivy, throwing a finger at Joker.
"And how do you suggest I go about doing that?" demanded Dr. Leland.
"I think Harley could give you a few ideas, Doc," chuckled Joker. "She just loves her punishments, doncha, pooh?"
"Mmm hmm, Mr. J," she breathed, kissing him.
"Pamela, please, just be the better person," said Dr. Leland. "I have enough on my mind at the moment without having to deal with squabbles among the inmates."
Ivy glared at Joker but sat back down slowly. Joker chuckled. "She wants me," he murmured.
Ivy punched him in the face, and the guards seized her again, dragging her off to her cell as she struggled to break free, shouting insults back at Joker.
Dr. Leland sighed. "Ok, listen up everyone," she said. "The mayor is planning a visit here at the end of the week. It's very important to this facility, and to me personally, that you're all on your best behavior while he's here."
Joker giggled. "Sure, Doc, no problemo," he said, grinning. "We'll put on quite a show for the old mayor."
"Not a show, Joker," growled Dr. Leland. "I don't want a show, a joke, a gag, a game, or anything of the kind. Could you please just be good and not do anything while he's here? Just sit in your cell and smile. I know you've got a lot of practice smiling."
"Aw, Doc, where's your sense of fun?" asked Joker, smiling. "It ain't every day the mayor honors us with his presence. I'm sure he'd enjoy a little entertainment."
"Joker, please," said Dr. Leland, seriously. "Please, please, please, I'm begging you. Don't do anything. My job is on the line here."
Joker nodded. "Ok, Doc, you've always been a decent gal to me, and I know Harley here is pretty fond of you," he said, ruffling her hair. "So I'll be good."
"Do you promise?" asked Dr. Leland.
He grinned. "Doncha trust me, Doc?" he murmured.
"I suppose I'll have to," sighed Dr. Leland.
"Why is the mayor coming?" asked Two-Face, puzzled. "He's never shown any interest in visiting before."
"He's the new mayor," said Dr. Leland, shrugging. "I guess he wants to implement some new policies, or use it as a publicity stunt or something."
"I didn't know we had a new mayor," said Two-Face. "Guess I've been locked up in here longer than I thought."
"Yeah, he's only been in office about two weeks," said Dr. Leland. "Mayor Richard Hunt."
Crane's book suddenly clattered to the ground as he looked up, horrified, at Dr. Leland. "What…did you say?" he stammered.
"Mayor Richard Hunt," she repeated, puzzled.
"Richard…Hunt?" stammered Crane. "Can you describe him?"
Dr. Leland shrugged. "Late 40s, maybe. Dark hair, average height, blue eyes, from what I can remember from his campaign posters. Oh, he has got a distinctive feature, a kinda scar just above his eyebrow, like he's been cut or something."
"That's him," murmured Crane. "That's him. That's Richard Hunt."
"You know him?" asked Dr. Leland, surprised.
Crane nodded. "I went to school with him," he replied. "I gave him that scar."
"You did?" repeated Dr. Leland, astonished. "How?"
"I just got…sick of the bullying," he muttered. "And so one day I snapped. He was going to shove me in my locker again, but that day I had brought a knife…and I cut him. It was so good, so gratifying, to see the look of terror, of fear and terror and pain in his eyes as he screamed, as the blood ran from his wound. The blood that washed clean my humiliation of being picked on by him day after day…"
His hands had tightened into fists and there was a murderous gleam in his eyes. He noticed everyone staring at him and cleared his throat. "Perhaps a more thorough explanation is in order. He was in the grade above me at school. I was always an exceptionally bright student, and as such had to suffer my share of bullying. But Richard was the worst. He was incredibly popular – I don't know why, with a name like Richard Hunt, you'd have expected him to be bullied too. His name was Dick Hunt, for God's sake! It wouldn't take the Joker to see the funny side of that! But the other students loved him. Women wanted him, and men wanted to be him. He was always so charismatic – he had to be, he couldn't get ahead with his intelligence, so he had to get ahead by being popular. He hated me, and I hated him. He was jealous of my brains, and I was contemptuous of the ignorant buffoon. So he spent his days tormenting me, until the day I fought back. And after that…after that I was transferred to a different school, so I didn't see him again. Apparently bringing a weapon into a school is a criminal offence. But as I told them at the time, the real offence was the fact that he was allowed to hurt me and no one cared. No one would do anything about it, because he was so beloved and popular. What else was I supposed to do? I had to stand up for myself. And so I did. It was their fault, and his fault, not mine."
Dr. Leland stared at him. "And this is the mayor who is coming to visit this facility at the end of the week?" she murmured.
"Apparently so," replied Crane.
Dr. Leland sighed heavily again. "Great," she muttered, leaving the room. "Just great. Better start the job hunt now, Joan. By Friday, you'll be needing a new one."