A/N: I've always had this headcanon that Emma was so psychologically affected by everyone abandoning her that once she got pregnant, she would spiral out of control. I'm not sure if this is quite what you were hoping for, but it is a version of the pregnancy story I had eventually planned on writing.
As a warning, it is a little emotionally draining (at least it was to write). There are some psychological behaviors that could trigger someone (eating disorder, prostitution, self-harm, etc.), so be careful.
This is probably the darkest thing I ever have or plan to write.
Emma never admitted it to anyone, but she thought a lot about prison, about her life growing up, about how she never really knew when or where she would eat. But, she mostly thought about being abandoned. She was abandoned by her parents as an infant. She was abandoned by her foster families as a child. She was abandoned by Neal as a teenager. No one ever loved her enough to stay in her life, and there were times that every self-doubting thought she ever had came rushing into her mind if she looked at Killian.
The day Emma figured out she was late was terrifying. Her heart started to beat fast as Ruby casually said something about how her lower abdomen felt like it was on clawing at her muscles. It was as if a light went on in her head, suddenly becoming aware of the date. She placed a five-dollar bill on the counter and sprinted out of the diner, running to the nearest drugstore and buying three packs of pregnancy tests.
She wound up in the small bathroom at the sheriff's station, drinking a jug of water to make sure she had enough liquid in her body to cover six pregnancy tests. When all of them showed a pink plus sign, Emma froze where she was, dread overcoming her. She didn't want another child, ever. The trauma she went through with Henry all those years ago scarred her for life, and even the thought of having another kid nearly killed her.
She didn't tell Killian about the baby for nearly a month. They only talked about kids in the year they were dating once, both agreeing that having Henry part-time was enough for their lives. It was for that reason she didn't say anything to Killian – she didn't want him to leave her because of the baby they didn't want. She wanted to spend time with him, etching their life together into her brain, so that when he inevitably left her, she would still have the memories.
Killian had known something was wrong with Emma, he always knew. He rarely pushed her, though, knowing she would come around and tell him if it was important enough. But, her behavior had become so erratic that he finally confronted her about it. She apologized when she told him, letting him know that he shouldn't feel obligated to stay, but he was overjoyed at the news. Killian ran up and hugged her, kissing her passionately before kneeling in front of her stomach, rubbing and talking to it, before standing again to hug her close. He told her he didn't realize how much he wanted a child until the moment she told him. His face didn't leave the smile for days, and Emma painted a fake one on her own on her face, trying to mirror his enthusiasm.
It was once he found out that every insecurity she ever had coursed through her veins. Something in the telling him made the situation real, and it triggered her emotionally in a way that spiraled out of control.
Emma surprised Killian with a phone one day. She programmed in her number, telling him she wanted him to be able to contact her if he needed her. In truth, she bought it so she could check in on him, to make sure he hadn't left yet. In the beginning, she would call during her break or text him if David wasn't looking. As the days went by, she began to contact him more and more, keeping her phone out on her desk instead of her pocket for easier access. Emma called Killian more often than she texted him because she wanted to hear his voice, and she knew it took him longer to respond if she sent him a text instead of actually calling, anyway. Usually he would answer with an enthusiastic voice right away. When he didn't pick up at the first ring, her heart would start to beat fast, and if he didn't answer at all, it took all her strength not to leave work and go find him.
If it were more than an hour than the last time that she had talked to Killian, Emma would ask David if he's heard from him. David would usually say that he hadn't since the last time he, Robin, and Killian went to The Rabbit Hole or when she and Killian came over for dinner. If he got a text, she would nonchalantly ask who it was, her breathing hitched unless he said Killian's name. After questioning David, she would always go back to her paperwork, shifting through the pages without reading anything, going through the motions for the appearance.
Emma started to initiate sex with him more and more, trying to show him why he should stay with her. Killian was more than happy to participate, joking her hormonal state made her aroused by the simplest look. Emma knew the truth. She wanted to keep him satisfied. She didn't want him to have to look elsewhere, to say he was bored with her lack of intimacy. She would give in to all his fantasies, hoping he would stay pleased with her performance for at least a little while. There were times that they would cuddle naked under the blanket after, him spooning her from behind. His breathing would slow as he fell asleep, the hot air from his nose blowing softly on her neck. She would keep her head on her ear, facing away from him, and silently cry, making sure she was so quiet and so still that he wouldn't wake up. She couldn't help but feel like she was a whore, putting herself out there like that. He wasn't asking to sleep with her and she knew he would never force himself on her, that she was initiating everything. She knew that if he found out she was using her body to keep him around, he would never sleep with her again, even after the baby was born. Still, she felt like she was being used, that he was only staying with her for her body.
Emma bought a scale during the second month of her pregnancy. She started to become obsessed with her weight and feared any pounds she might gain. At first it was once a day, then twice, then three times, then any free time she was not doing something. There was little weight gain at first, but then eventually she got heavier. The first time she saw the scale go up, she began to work out. Killian once asked why she was running every morning, and she told him it was good for the baby. He believed her lie, and her weight steadied, for a while. When she started to gain weight again, despite her athletic efforts, she stopped eating. She would claim that she was having too much morning sickness that eating breakfast would only make it worse. She would make a lunch in front of her family, but then dump it in the first trashcan outside of her apartment building on her way to work. She would sit with Killian and Henry during dinner, moving her fork around her plate to make it look like she ate something, even if not a single piece of food touched her mouth.
Each morning before work, Emma took a shower. She would then look at her nude self in the mirror, turning so her right side was showing her reflection. She would run her hand over her flat stomach, a sigh of relief overcoming her when it slid down in a straight line, knowing she still had the body Killian liked. But then, she started to show. The first time she saw a bump, she took her hand and pushed her stomach in, her palm forcing her stomach to stay flat. She would suck in so much air that she could barely breath, but always felt defeated when the bump reappeared. She would go through this routine every day until even the illusion of a flat stomach wasn't possible. Emma started to wrap her arms around her stomach more and more after that, trying to hide any signs of her less-than-perfect protruding stomach.
The first time her jeans didn't fit anymore, she fell to the floor in a crying heap, finally accepting that her body was changing and there was nothing she could do about it. She felt ugly, fat, and she thought, once again, that she was a failure. Her body had betrayed her, and she feared Killian would no longer look at her as if she was beautiful. She couldn't even look at herself in a mirror anymore, the mere sight disgusting, reminding herself that she was no longer a thin, pretty woman.
Emma had her mood swings under control, for the most part. There were times, though, that a negative, raw emotion coursed through her. She prayed that this would happen when Killian was not around, but if he were, she would excuse herself, running to her bedroom and ducking into the closet. When she was mad, she would take a sweater and scream into the sleeve, even going as far as to bite her knee if yelling wouldn't calm her down. When she was sad, she'd cry, holding a hand over her mouth to keep her whimpers from sounding, using her other to catch the tears before they slid down her face. It was the worst when she was irritated because there was nothing she could physically do to compose herself. She just had to wait it out in the closet until she was ready to come out. Usually the emotions would run it's course relatively quickly, but sometimes she had to stay away for a half hour or more. She didn't want Killian to see her in any emotion less than content in fear that he would say her temperament was making him unhappy.
It became a ritual for Killian and Emma to sit together on the couch before Henry woke up. She would lean into him, pulling his warm body to her's. She would put an ear up to his chest and listen to his heartbeat, the only thing that proved that he was sitting there with her. Killian would softly rub her belly with his right hand, his hooked arm draped behind her. They wouldn't watch TV and they rarely talked during these moments. Instead, the sat together, only wanting to be in each other's company.
One morning, the baby started to kick, and Emma winced at the pain. Killian paused the hand on her stomach and looked at her, concern filling his face. Emma brought her hand up on top of his stomach to encourage him to start rubbing again. She liked the feeling of his hand on the baby because it made her think he might actually stay once their child was here. Killian's arm agreed, his hand caressing the bump that she had unwillingly given up trying to hide. She kept her hand on top of his to make sure it stayed on her shirt, refusing to let him lift his hand off of her. She made sure to never show she was hurting in front of him again, not wanting him to be worried about her.
Emma and Killian eventually told her parents after four months, and they were thrilled. David kissed her forehead while Mary Margaret hugged her tightly. Killian was beaming with pride, while Emma plastered a smile on her face, faking enthusiasm with each of her parent's questions. Killian and David retreated to a different room to discuss fatherhood while Mary Margaret stayed with Emma. She insisted that they threw a party for Emma and Killian, and she had a difficult time saying no, so Mary Margaret started to put together the biggest social event since their own son's first birthday.
A week later, everyone was gathered in Granny's diner, the gossip about the royal pirate baby the talk of the town. Emma clung to Killian the entire time, weaving her fingers through his to stay by his side. If they sat down, she would make sure he was on the inside of the booth so she was blocking him from just getting up and walking away. If there had been some moment that she had lost him in the crowd, Emma started to panic and rush around the room, looking for her boyfriend. When she spotted him, she would thread her arm through his to pull him close. No one noticed her attachment to Killian, and so she was easily able to follow him around the diner.
Whenever they were alone at home, she would make sure they stayed in the same room. If he went to the kitchen, she went to the kitchen. If he went to the bedroom, she went to the bedroom. She dreaded whenever he had to go to the bathroom, for it was those five minutes that she was afraid he snuck out the window. She tended to follow him right up to the door, making up some reason for why she had to be in the hallway. Killian didn't seem to notice, or at least he didn't care if he did.
Eventually, she became so obsessed with being by him that she made excuses to come with him places outside of the house. If he were going to work at the docks, she would find some cause to be on the lake. If he were going to clean his boat, she would say she'd help him. If he were going out with Robin and David, she would make sure Regina and Mary Margaret went out, claiming it was a group date instead of a guy's night. She even went as far as to offer him a job at the station, stating that she needed fewer hours because of her pregnancy. He declined, saying he enjoyed working by the lake. Emma's heart sank a bit, and because of that, she went on early maternity leave, lying that she needed the extra time to prepare for the baby.
It was the beginning of her eighth month of pregnancy and Emma had gotten so big that she was having a difficult time sleeping with Killian anymore. She didn't want him to see her naked, anyway, because her body was so out of proportion. She was terrified that he would leave for someone younger, cuter, and thinner, so she attempted to pleasure him in other, less physically demanding ways. Killian pulled himself away from her almost instantly, causing Emma to sit in pity. "What are you doing, Emma?" he asked.
Emma shook her head, refusing to talk while her eyes started to water. She started to pull herself up and, upon standing, she started to waddle towards the hallway door. Killian, much quicker than she, ran in front of her to stop her from moving any further. She turned towards the bathroom and started walking that way, her body shaking from her refusal to allow herself to show emotions. Once again, he stopped her in her tracks. "Get out of my way, Killian," she said in the calmest voice she can muster.
He didn't move. "Emma, what are you doing?" he asked again. She could tell he wasn't just talking about that very night this time. She could tell that he knew she has been having problems for months now. She could tell that he finally gave up trying to guess why she had changed.
She sat down on the bed, finally letting her emotional build up take control of herself. "I'm trying to make you stay, okay?"
"What? That's –"
"Everyone leaves me, Killian," she cried. "Last time I was pregnant, I was alone in jail. I was abandoned my whole life, and now I've trapped you into this situation. I don't want you to resent me. I don't want you to leave me. So, I wanted to keep you happy so you'd have a reason to stay. But I've had the worst eight months of my life!" She hit her stomach. "I hate," she hit it again, "this fucking," once more, "baby!"
She brought her hand up to strike again while Killian caught it in his hook. "Stop! You're going to hurt the baby!" he yelled.
"The only reason you're here right now is because of this damn baby! If he was not here, you'd have left a long time ago!" she yelled back. Emma yanked her hand out of his hook, cutting herself in the process. Somehow, she made it into the bathroom before he could stop her, shutting the door and locking it so he couldn't follow her. She turned on the faucet to run her bloody arm under water. She raised her head to look into the mirror and saw her appearance. She was beet red, her eyes puffy and her lip trembling. There was a pain in the back of her throat that she tried to swallow away without any success. She couldn't believe she lost control in front of him, and now he for sure had a reason to run out on her.
She heard a soft knock on the door. "Why would you think I would leave?" he whispered through the door. She could hear the distress in his voice, and she was able to imagine his saddened face pressed up against it, even if the door blocked the view from her.
She took a large band-aid and covered up the already clotted cut and slowly opened the door to see Killian, just as miserable as she had predicted. "Because I've never had anyone stay." Emma admitted. She swallowed before continuing. "Because I've never been enough for anyone to want to stay."
Killian grabbed Emma into a hug, kissing the part of her hair and holding her up to his body. "I'm never going to leave you, Emma. How could you not know that by now?"
Killian's shirt was started to stain from Emma's tears. "I've been abandoned too many times. I'm never going to be able to believe that anyone will stay. It won't matter what you do or say, Killian. I think about being alone all the time, even before I got pregnant, and the damage has been dug too deep."
Killian guided the pair to the bed, sitting down and bringing her with him. "Then I shall have to prove it to you every day that I won't leave. There will not be a day that goes by that I will not be by your side. It will matter not if there is a voice in the back of your head telling you otherwise, I will not leave." He touched her stomach. "Now, about our child…" Emma rubbed her hand over the bump, staring at it. "Please tell me you don't hate him."
Emma's eyes filled with guilt as she looked back up at Killian. "There are times I look at Henry and have a burning hatred. It isn't hatred for Henry as a person, but for the concept of Henry. It's completely irrational for me to feel anything but love for him. But there are still times I will see him and think about how Neal left me in prison, alone and scared. There are still times I will think about how I was pregnant without someone by my side. I spent 10 years trying to erase the memory of Neal deserting me and giving birth to Henry. I had even done a pretty good job at that." She took a deep breath and watched their two hands touching her belly. "I feel like a terrible mother when I think these thoughts about Henry." She took a deep breath. "I don't want another kid, Killian. I really don't want this baby."
He took his hook and guided her face up to his, stroking her hair once he got their eyes locked together. "You are going to hold your child for the first time in two months and these thoughts will be merely that. You are going to love him more than words can describe. You are a wonderful mother, and both Henry and our future son are the luckiest lads to have you in their lives." Emma gave a sad smile before letting it drop again. "Emma, you can't live your life keeping everything to yourself. Please let me help you, I want to help you."
Killian still let Emma follow him around for the last two months of her pregnancy. He now invited her places with him instead of making her think of an excuse to come with him. When at home, he didn't leave a room without telling her where exactly he was going or how long he planned to stay in that room. He wanted to make sure she always knew he was going to be near her, that he wasn't going to leave.
He could now identify whenever her judgment was being clouded by thoughts of abandonment. Sometimes when she thought he wasn't looking, she would gaze at him with longing eyes, and he could feel all the energy it took her not to go over and make sure he was really there. It was then that he would lean over and kiss her or rub through her hair with his hand or caress her bump.
At night, they would lie together under the covers. Killian would position himself in such a way that his head was next to her exposed belly, singing sailor songs and massaging it. There were times when Emma would tap him when he was falling asleep, bringing his hand over to her stomach where the baby was kicking. He would light up immediately, staring at her and thinking how beautiful it was that they created such an amazing thing. He wished he had gotten to spend all nine months in this blissful pregnancy bubble.
The day Liam was born was one of the happiest of Killian's life. He can still see Emma waking him at 2:00 in the morning, telling him they had to leave right then. He can still see when they got to the hospital and nurses assigned them a room. He can still see her grasping his hand as he helped her through the delivery. But, most importantly, he can still see her face of joy when she held her son for the first time. He remembers her looking into Liam's face, kissing his forehead before she turned to Killian with a smile on her face. "You're right," she had said. "I don't think I have ever loved someone as much as I love him."
She reached her head up as much as she could from her sitting position, Killian leaning down the rest of the way to kiss her before taking his son in his arms. "Daddy's here," he had whispered into the tiny ear, yet loud enough for Emma to hear. "Daddy will always be here."