Tigerheart
I remembered the day my father left. The way my mother had wailed. The way he had given his praise to Lionpaw, and had hardly even given me, his own son, a second glance. He was out leader, he was supposed to protect us. Not abandon us like we had meant nothing at all to him. Not turn to the soft, easy life of a kittypet.
Traitor.
I swore I would be stronger than him. Stronger than anyone. "I was never the weakest."
That's why I was so furious when Bluestar brought him here. Kittypet. How could he have the heart of a warrior when that's what he was? With that soft flame hued fur and emerald eyes.
It was a sin for me to think him beautiful.
Or to laugh inside when he looked so excited about something that an experienced clan-cat knew. Or enjoy the feeling when he sought my praise. When he wanted me to teach him, to show him where to put his paws.
I had a lot to be angry about then. My leader choosing Lionheart over me for a countless time. Ravenpaw's loud mouth at the gathering.
But that emerald gaze still lingered on me. He had not lived here as long as I. had not seen what my father did to us. How Bluestar chose Redtail over me though I was by far his senior. How Redtail had failed to protect Sunning Rocks, and had us flee like cowards. How our clan was slowly dieing because of my father's mistakes. But that Kittypet only saw my last effort to fix it.
He had leaned against my shoulder as the elders had carried Spottedleaf's body away. Tears had stung his eyes, but he did not cry. And I whispered in his ear the words that I held true to.
"This is the true life of a warrior. Not a season goes by anymore where you don't have to bury a clanmate or someone you love . . ."
All I wanted was to change that. To get rid of the leader that had betrayed Thunderclan just as much as my father had. I knew her sins. I'd seen her take those kit's away, seen how she watched them grow up from a distance.
And I watched Fireheart bury many more comrades after that. I took the chance, the chance that he might understand what I wanted to accomplish. You have to spend life to make life, and I thought he understood.
I was betrayed again.
And I let the anger consume me. I let the darkness overtake me. It was too much. Twice, a betrayal from someone I cared for. Twice by kittypets. And I wanted no more of it. I wanted revenge.
I'd promised Shadowclan my help long ago, so I gave it. They understood that the clan's were dieing. And Starclan trusted their lives to me, by giving me nine of my own.
And I made a mistake. I underestimated the "allies" I'd found. Had I lived after that night, I would have stood at Firestar's side once more, as part of the joined clans. But I did not.
I died.
It hurt so bad. And I clawed at the ground, begging and pleading the silent, invisible stars. But they vanished before my eyes with every life ripped out of me. And all the while, I stared up into emerald eyes. Help me, save me, don't let me die here. Please.
But there was nothing he could do, and I could clearly see the shock and anguish in his eyes. As well as a tinge of regret. Do you remember? The night Spottedleaf was laid to rest? This time, it's my body you must bury. Will you shake as you cover me in dirt, will you wail when no one else can hear you?
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't want this, never this. We were the same, you and I. I wanted what was best for my clan.
Forgive me.
When my last life left me, the world turned dark. There is no Starclan for murderers and traitors.
I walked the nightmares of countless cats. If Starclan carved trails out of dreams, then I would make my own oath dream's darker twin.
Brambleclaw's nightmares of the final battle with Bloodclan. Hawkfrost's nightmares of his drowned brother. Cinderpelt's nightmares of the fate I mistakenly sent her to. Lontails' blackened shadows of nightmares as his sight was lost to him. Ashfur's nightmares of my dogs on his hackles.
And Firestar's . . . they were of me. Of my death. Of my body gushing blood at his paws, and my amber eyes pleading with him for forgiveness. I felt his emotions each night I watched, his horrible guilt.
He asked the stars for a strong deputy to take over his clan. So I gave him my son. I didn't know why he wanted it, he'd said so many times how he could never give up on Graystripe. So why then? Why so suddenly?
I hadn't been able to walk into the dreams not even Starclan sent him. Dreams of his own death, eerily similar to mine, as I would one day see. He wanted to die when Hawkfrost caught him in that trap. How many lives he lost that night, I'll never know. Almost as many as he had wanted to though, I guessed that much.
I knew Lionblaze was not of my blood, but he was of Firestar's. And except for his eyes, he was his exact likeness. But it was those eyes that I wanted him to have, so he was nothing more to me than any other normal warrior.
But Tigerpaw . . . He was my blood, mine and that gender-confused Rowanclaw. My daughter had the worst taste. But Tigerpaw, I considered him mine. He looked just like me, except for his eyes.
They were emerald, inherited from his father's side. I stood beside his sibling, Flamepaw, in the light of the setting sun as they gave Tigerpaw his warrior name. and I couldn't help the way my heart, though it no longer beats, shuddered as Blackstar said it.
"From now on, you will be known as Tigerheart, for your strength and courage, as well as reminder that treachery and betrayal are never to be forgotten, and neither shall the night we fought together, all four clans."
Firestar, he named the young cat after me, and after you. Do you know? Will you realize when you hear it at the next gathering? Will you emerald eyes waver with the same regret as they did as I lay dieing at your paws? I wonder if you would cry, if only for a moment, for the mistakes we both made.
RANDOM AUTHOR RAMBLE
This seriously is the official name for Tigerpaw of Shadowclan. When I first heard it, I thought of this fic and thus, wrote it. :D
Yay TigerFire. *dances* I hate writing in first person though. Ew. But I couldn't get he words to sound right when I did a third person POV. Dang.
Also, about Rowanclaw, for those of u that don't know, he was a girl in Into The Wild, and then changed to a boy. :3
Well, I is off to my anime convention now. Woohoo NDK! *waves Yaoi paddle high*