This is the companion fic to 'I Understand' and should be treated as such. I have written these two letters because of things that are happening to me right now in life. Mimiru's letter contains a lot of what I feel as I try to help a friend understand that being more than friends would be heavenly but just being friends is as wonderful. Tsukasa's letter contains most of what I feel Tsukasa/my friend would want to say or would say to Mimiru/me.
Friend: I will always be here for you and nothing will change that. No matter what life brings to us we can always count on each other.
Dedicated with love to FirecrackerGirl, S.C. and Akichi-kun for a friendship beyond boundaries.
Disclaimer: I do not own dot hack or any of it's characters.
Title: Life Is All About Trying
Mimiru, why have you bared your soul to me like that? Your letter has struck a chord in my own soul that I have tried to deny. Yes, you understand enough to be a trusted confidante of my feelings and experiences.
But I don't understand why you would want to burden yourself like that with another's emotions, mine in particular. It is worthless to consider how I feel while there is so much else going on that is more important than that.
You, I know, will disagree with that statement but in my heart I know it's true. I have had too much practice in honing and following my feelings to start disregarding them now.
Mimiru, you are no longer a child but you are also not yet an adult. It is so awkward while you are caught in that in-between stage and not all of what you feel is wonderful. Trust me, I know.
It's been a long time since I considered myself to be a child. Most of it was because of my mother's death and the sense that it was wrong to be outside, to be acting unconcerned and playful as she lay in her final rest. So it was easier to grow solemn and introverted, as I grew older. To be the little adult that grownups loved to see since they never caused problems or needed too much attention. I grew used to taking the easy way out of everything and that is a mistake.
I am not an adult though, Mimiru. Too much of the child I tried to deny myself to be still lives hidden in my personality and manifests itself in my emotions. A child feels two primary emotions when they are very young. Everything seems to end in either anger or happiness. I haven't grown past those two emotions yet, Mimiru, and I'm sorry. Anger, sorrow and former happiness is no way to live your life.
You know about my father and what he truly is under the mask he uses to fool most people into thinking he's a good person. He wasn't always such a terrible person or a monster. His mind broke after my mother passed away and he eventually became that way.
He had always wanted a son, not a daughter. He never wanted me and after my mother died he showed it more often. He punished me for it more often. And he put subtle pressure on me and without realizing it I bent to it.
That's the part that I'm ashamed of, Mimiru. He started to crush me and I let him do it. I let him! As I did what he wanted, the punishments stopped and I was relieved. As long as I played the part everything would be okay. Or so I thought.
It got worse after I hit puberty but no one noticed. And in the end he tried to kill me as I lay unconscious in the hospital as I fought for my soul. I feel that Bear, you, Subaru and all the others saved me. You are the ones who showed me that living is better than taking the easy way out. Better than dying I can say now with fervor. I was a worthless person then but I am not that person anymore.
Please help me move forward. The rest of what you have asked me is beyond me at this point and I don't know whether it will ever be possible but we can try, right? Life is all about trying.
~Fini~