Boulevard of A Broken Heart
Hope: (noun) A feeling or dominant desire for a certain thing to happen. A sense of need. A need that's not always acquired.
Yearning dreams and empty promises. They meant nothing. I try to be brave, that's what you would have wanted me to do but how can I be brave. How can I go onto love someone else again when I'm afraid to love again? Afraid to fall. Afraid I'll lose you forever?
But watching you roam around, alone, sacrificing your soul to the devil; my love for you suddenly turns into doubt. Doubt that you're too far gone. Beyond reach.
I take a step forward. And I'm one step closer. Closer to where you want me to be; to move on.
Pieces of me have died everyday waiting for you. Waiting on you. But don't be afraid, I could never stop loving you as my world continues to break. I could never fathom a life without you. Time has begun to stand still in your absence. Days come and they go. The minute hand ticks down as dust speckles around me. But you don't return. It's been years but feels like endless lifetimes in my heart.
Do you ever think of me? Do I even cross your mind? Because you cross mine, every waking second of this nightmare. Even now. There's no escape.
Everything we shared - all the memories, I live them every living moment in the sheer hope that they'd come true once again. That I could go back to that other time. The beauty in them is vacant now, I don't see the happiness. Don't see the joy. Don't see the hope. What's to hope for when I know after all those cherished memories comes heartbreak?
Yet, I will be brave.
I won't let anything take away those moments. The moments I'll cherish forever, even if their beauty and essence disappears in time. I won't let go of the thread of hope that you'll come back one day. Because I know you will. We can't just forget what we had. You can't just forget what we went through. It couldn't have been for nothing. It just can't. I won't accept it.
And so I force my legs to continue upon the path you would have wanted me to take. The only one on offer.
Every breath we shared. Every hour we spent in each others arms. Every touch; it has come to this. For this moment where those vague memories will keep me alive. Not Damon, not Jeremy or the wishing well and blessings from my friends. But the hope that time will bring your heart back to me. Where it belongs.
Although I shouldn't, I can't help but hope that time will bring your heart closer to mine soon. This wait is becoming the death of me. Yet, it's all that's keeping me going. Keeping me edge forward even though my heart consents against it.
One final step and then another and I still hope. Holding onto the wishful bouquet reminds me of you, of how your skin felt to mine. Of your softness. Of your kindness, your sweetness; your love. And how it all turned twisted.
All along, I believed you'd come back to me. That you'd find yourself again and come back to me. God only knows it's all I hoped and wished for. All along I waited for your arrival. For you to turn up at my doorstep one day and take me back into your arms, regretting ever leaving, ever losing yourself.
But you never did.
But I still wait for you.
Even now as he pulls the veil away from in front of my face; revealing the glimmer streaks on my cheeks. I'll never lose hope in you. Even though you urged me to forget, even though you hurt me, crushed my heart; I'll never stop loving you. Nor will I stop hoping.
Repeating the words after the vicar, I close my eyes, imagining they are for you. Theyareforyou.
I do love you, Stefan. From the very bottom of my heart. Loved you achingly since the day you left and yearned for you from the very moment you walked away. But, you're just not here to hear these words. Not here to accept them. And there's nothing I can do about it apart from wait – like I have for the past heartbreaking months.
Long are the nights where I dream of your lips once again, against mine. But instead, I am touching his at this very moment. And a part of me dies a little bit more when I come to the recognition that they are not yours.
I've loved you all this time. Nothing can change that, nothing will change that. Not the ring on my finger or the kisses shared with him or the fact that I'm sharing a bed with someone other than you and definitely not because I am now Damon's. Because it will always be you, Stefan. Forever and always. So I'll continue dying everyday waiting for you. Because that's all I can do. And that's all I want to do. Because without hope, I'll just be another corpse left beyond repair in the boulevard of broken hearts. Because I believe, one day, you'll return back to me.
And if you don't, well… I just won't break it to my heart.
I'll always love you Stefan. Always. Just remember that even if you can't be here to comfort me with the words.
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