Kurt: Dammit, Rachel! I have a bone to pick with you!
Rachel: What did I do now?
Kurt: Ummmmmmm I dunno MAYBE STEAL THE BOY I AM COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH.
Rachel: What! I did not steal him. You two never even dated.
Kurt: Yeah, BUT YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND WHO I CONFIDED MY FEELINGS FOR HIM WITH, AND NOW YOU ARE DATING HIM AND I HATE YOU.
Rachel: Kurt, I understand that our friendship was very full of love and passion-
Kurt: WHAT?
Rachel: *Ahem* For broadway.
Kurt: ...
Rachel: But now I see that all I need is my lovely life partner, who I love very much. Thank you for introducing him to me.
Kurt: I told you I loved him.
Rachel: Kurt, you also said you loved Finn.
Kurt: Oh, yeah. And then you dated him.
Rachel: Well Finn is STRAIGHT..
Kurt: BUT BLAINE ISN'T
Rachel: Kurt if you are just going to be immature about Blaine and I's feelings for each other then- OH! Speak of the devil!
Kurt: ...Hi Blaine...
Rachel: Why hello! Blaine what a nice evening for us to have our GIRL-AND-BOY date. Let's have one now, okay? Starting with losing our virginity to each other.
Blaine: ...Hey Kurt. Hey Rachel!
Rachel: Virginity?
Blaine: WHAT?
Rachel: Are you a virgin? I WILL NOT DATE YOU IF YOU ARE TAINTED.
Kurt: You dated Finn after he had sex with Santana.
Rachel: Oh, right. You know what Blaine? Even if you aren't a virgin, I will still date you, thanks to Kurt.
Kurt: NOT WHAT I INTENDED.
Blaine: ... I'm just gonna leave now.
Rachel: NO WAIT.
Blaine: What?
Rachel: Kiss me. Kiss me now Blaine while my lips are wet from cheap lip gloss.
Blaine: Ummm wha-
*Rachel kisses Blaine*
Kurt: D:
Blaine: Wow.
Rachel: What did you think?
Blaine: Yep. I'm gay. 100% gay. Kurt will you come into the bathroom here and have sex with me?
Kurt: SURE!
*Rachel starts singing*
Crazy I m crazy for feelin so lonely I m crazy Crazy for feelin so blue I knew you d love me as long as you wanted And then someday You'd leave me for somebody new
Worry, why do I let myself worry? Wonderin what in the world did I do?
I m crazy For thinkin that my love could hold you I m crazy for cryin And crazy for tryin And I m crazy for lovin you
Crazy For thinkin that my love could hold you I m crazy for cryin And crazy for tryin And I m crazy for lovin you
Finn: Rachel?
Rachel: Finn?
Finn: I love you.
Rachel: Oh Finn. I love you too!
Finn: Wanna do it?
Rachel: EW NO. NOT WITH YOUR DICK WITCH TOUCHED SANTANA. EWWWWWWW
Finn: D:
Rachel: Maybe in season 3 episode 5. Oh snap. Kurt and Blaine better not lose their virginity in the bathroom or that will ruin the plot!
Finn: WHAT? THEY'RE DOING IT IN THE BATHROOM? OH NOO WHAT IF KURT FALLS INTO THE TOILET AND BLAINE FLUSHES HIM? I'M GONNA KILL HIM!
...LATER THAT DAY...
Rachel: Kurt? Kurt where are you?
Kurt&Blaine: AHH!
Kurt: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? IT'S THE BOY'S BATHROOM.
Rachel: Kurt you go in the girls bathroom all the time
Blaine: Okay go anyway now Rachel I need to have sex with Kurt.
Rachel: NOOOO DON'T. DON'T HAVE SEX YET, NOT TILL SEASON 3!
Blaine: Awwww. But I'm horny.
Rachel: NO. YOU CANNOT. NOW BOTH OF YOU, PULL YOUR PANTS UP. I NEED TO TALK TO KURT.
*Finn comes in the bathroom as Rachel and Kurt leave*
Finn: I NEED TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
Blaine: Um, why?
Finn: BECAUSE YOU FLUSHED KURT DOWN THE TOILET AFTER YOU RAPED HIM!
Blaine: ...
Finn: YOU'RE SILENT. THAT MEANS IT'S TRUE!
Blaine: NO, IT'S NOT TRUE, I SWEAR!
Finn: Wait you didn't rape Kurt and flush him down the toilet?
Blaine: UMM NO. Rachel stole him away before I even touched his -
Finn: EWWWWW BLAINE I DON'T WANNA KNOW. But umm... Yeah I'm gonna leave now.
Blaine: CALL ME! *Wink*
Finn: WHAT?
...EVEN MORE LATER THAT DAY...
Rachel: Kurt, now that Finn and I are dating, and you and Blaine are also, I decided that we shall put the past behide us, and you and me shall become friends again!
Kurt: No.
Rachel: WHAT? WHY NOT?
Kurt: BECAUSE YOU STOLE BLAINE. EARLIER. WHEN WE WEREN'T DATING.
Rachel: I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT IT WASN'T STEALING BECAUSE YOU NEVER DATED HIM.
Kurt: Screw you Rachel. What happened when I had a crush on Finn? You rub it in my face and say HAHAHAHAHAHA HE'S STARIGHT AND HE WILL BE MINE! What happened when I had a crush on Sam? Well, that time you did nothing.
Rachel: Wait you had a crush on Sam?
Kurt: Uhh yah? Everyone knew about it.
Rachel: But I never knew about it.
Kurt: Well, no one tells you anything because the second you hear a secret you blab it to EVERYONE YOU FRICKIN' KNOW.
Rachel: Not everyone...
Kurt: Anyway, back to my previous comments, what happened when i had a crush on Blaine? Well for starters, I TOLD YOU I LOVED HIM AND YOU WERE LIKE, 'Oh Kurt don't give up, I'm sure one day you two will sing a duet together. A romantic one! Like, maybe, Candles. Or Baby It's Cold Outside. Or even take a song that isn't actually a fricking duet and make it one, because that's how romantic you two are! You know, that one song that goes 'Take a bite of my heart tonight' that would be sooo sweet!'
Rachel: Oh my gosh you are so right. I have been such a bad friend to you. I'm so sorry. I'll never do anything mean to you ever again, like for example run for Student Class President when you are running just because my and Mercedes had a fight over who would be Maria in the school's play of West Side Story. That wouldn't be very nice.
Kurt: Yeah. For some reason I believe you can see into the future.
Rachel: Blaine and I might not be dating, but him as Tony and me as Maria was a wonderful Idea. I'm sorry he shattered your hopes and dreams and you had to be the officer in the play.
Kurt: What?
Mercedes: WHITE BOY! WHERE MY TAYTA TOTS?