Heart of the Matter
"There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside,
I've been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore."-Don Henley
Opening Notes: The gist of this one is that it takes place four years after Through the Looking Glass in the Flashforward setting where they didn't go back to the island and Jack's still an addict while Kate is racing Aaron alone. I don't want to spoil anything so that's all I will say. I'm tempted to write a sequel but I'm not sure yet. Please let me know what you think, reviews are always greatly appreciated.
- This one is for DimpleCurlAeternaGirl
Jack splashed cold water on his face, intentionally avoiding the pinched expression that was hidden behind the mess of dark scruff across his chin. He fingered it lightly, memorizing the wiry hairs still damp with a wash of cheep whiskey that had caught on his lips. The taste lingered deep in his throat, following a slight burning sensation that left him pleasantly on edge. He didn't dare look up, maybe when he was a little drunker and the beard meant nothing more than a stout growth of hair on his face, but he was sober enough now to know that he was hiding behind it.
It had been almost a week since he had last bothered to venture out of the apartment. His alcohol supply was running low causing him to taper off a bit because he hadn't had the energy to purchase more. He would eventually when his thoughts became overbearing and he needed to forget, but for now he kept himself buzzed and partially stoned in the late spring heat.
When the doorbell rang Jack shuddered slightly, causing the corners of his lips to droop into a frown. He checked the clock, 10:30, the landlord collected the bills at the beginning of the month and he couldn't remember the last time he had actual visitors. It rang again. He pushed away from the bathroom sink, sauntering toward the door in a tired stumble. He opened it, looking down to see a sandy haired boy staring up at him with big, sad eyes and clutching a backpack that was stuffed to the brim.
"Er...can I help you?" Jack stammered, taking inventory of something very familiar about the well-kept youth.
The boy regarded him with an air of unease as he balled his fingers into his gray and blue oxford shirt.
"Jack?" He asked hesitantly.
The older man's eyes widened, flicking back to the boy's brilliant blue ones.
"Aaron?" he croaked, steadying himself against the door frame.
A seven-year-old Aaron Austen nodded slowly, ducking his way into the apartment before Jack could issue an objection. He ignored the growing mess of maps and bottles all over the floor as he set his bag on the couch and rubbed his arms nervously. Jack didn't look like the man in his memories. The one who used to read to him and comfort him when he was feeling sad. His voice sounded raw in the neon city lights, flooding in from the windows, and he looked as though he had been run over by a truck.
"Aaron, what are you doing here?" Jack pinched the bridge of his nose, shutting the door. Maybe he was drunker than he thought, but when the boy's eyes welled up with tears he knew that wasn't the case.
Aaron's lower lip began to tremble. "Can I live with you Jack?"
The ex-doctor drew in a shaky breath, his features tightened. "What?"
"Mom's been treating me like a baby. I'm in the third grade now and I don't even sleep with Wilbur anymore." He crossed his arms and shook his head at the mention of the stuffed whale he used to insist on bringing everywhere.
Jack felt weak, his knees trembling slightly. Why would the boy come running to him of all people? It had been almost four years since they last saw each other. Four years since he had made the mistake of falling into it like his old man had.
"Aaron, how did you get here?" He asked gently in a ragged attempt to keep his emotions in check. The apartment was a mess, he was a mess and for once he actually gave a damn about it.
"I emptied my piggy bank and took the bus. Your address was in the phone book."
The older man gulped. "Does your mother know where you are?"
The boy shook his head. "No."
"Did you leave her a note?"
"No. I snuck out after she went to bed."
Jack raked his fingers across his scalp. He knew there was an unopened bottle of vodka sitting on the kitchen counter and suddenly became very aware that he needed it.
His gaze drifted back to the boy who was examining an atlas which was splayed open on his couch. Sighing, he eased his tired body down beside him. He had to do something right for a change.
"Aaron, your mother is going to be sick with worry. I know you've grown up a lot since I last saw you, but that wasn't a very grown up thing you did by running away from your problems like that." Jack hoped the boy wouldn't notice how his words stuck together.
"But that's what you did," Aaron retorted. His straggly blonde hair fell aimlessly into his eyes as he spoke.
"And Mom still cries about it."
He roughly ran his sleeve across his face to catch the tears that had started to fall.
Jack's breath caught in his throat, tensing when Aaron launched himself into his white strapless shirt, burying his head.
"I miss you too, Jack," he moaned into the sticky fabric. After a long moment he continued through his sobs.
"I want to go camping with the rest of my class and she said 'no'. She didn't want me going into the woods because it 'wasn't safe', but Ryan's Dad and all the teachers are coming along. It's plenty safe and I can take care of myself."
The ex-doctor's expression was grim. "So you two got into a fight about it?"
Aaron sniffled. "She got really mad and wouldn't sign my permission slip."
"Sounds to me like she was just looking out for you. Would you let something bad happen to her if you knew you could stop it?"
The youth looked up at him with a stunned expression. Jack knew he had made a serious point and attempted to crack a smile which was hidden behind his beard.
"But all my friends get to go do cool stuff and Mom treats me like I'm still a little baby," Aaron tried to reason through the tiny hiccups of pent emotion that were making themselves known.
"I found you all by myself."
"That you did," he agreed, patting the child's back. Kate was not going to be impressed with either of them.
"But. I guess if I wanna show my Mom that I'm all grown up than I shouldn't runway and make her worry huh?"
"Absolutely."
Aaron seemed satisfied with this and rubbed his eyes. He sat up to take a good look around the room, glancing at the bottles, the empty takeout wrappers, and the mess of maps and books.
"Did you have a really big party and forget to clean up?" He glanced sideways at Jack.
The older man tried to dodge the question for as long as possible and became increasingly interested in his feet.
"Something like that," he eventually mumbled.
"I could help you if you want." The boy offered. He closed the atlas, sliding off the couch to stack it with some of the other books in a pile by the door.
"Come on, Jack." He tilted his head backward to where the ex-doctor sat frozen in the shadow cast by the large floor lamp.
"Mom always says it's good to have a clean room so you can find everything you're looking for."
He paused. "...At least that's what she tells me when I forget to pick up my Lego blocks or dinosaur collection."
Aaron's expectant gaze tugged at Jack's heart. It made him hate himself for the state he was in and the boy making everything seem so damn simple—just clean it up.
"Aaron, I really should call your mother," he protested as the child continued to fold dusty maps along the crease lines and set them to one side. Jack was shocked to see the hardwood underneath. He reached into his jeans pocket to dig out his cell phone, frowning when he came up empty handed. He rooted around, thrusting his fingers into the cushions of the couch. He knew it had been there last night...if he could only remember last night.
"Er...you don't see my phone in all that do you?"
The boy grinned. "No. But maybe we can find it if we move some of this stuff out of the way."
Jack felt a thick lump building in his throat. The place hadn't been cleaned since the day he lost his job and felt the need to rearrange all his furniture while he was high. It didn't last. He found the buzz left by the pills kept him relatively placid but when the alcohol was in his system he was more restless than he knew what to do with.
He had to get the boy home...for Kate.
Aaron finished with all the maps and settled on scooping up some of the little pill bottles littered around the room. Most of them were empty but occasionally the rattle of the contents inside would make Jack watch longingly as the boy laid them all on the counter. He felt numb as he got to his feet, picking the blanket up off the floor and folding it across the couch. Aaron beamed at him with an approving grin.
"What do ya want me to do with this Oxy..." He stopped, frowning at the label that he couldn't quite pronounce...too many letters for even a third grader.
"Just leave them on the counter." Jack stated a little sharper than he would have liked, even though his voice sounded quite dead.
"Okay. And all these bottles, you were saving them to recycle, right? Mrs. Riley is teaching us about it in school." He stated proudly.
"I guess." Jack's unintentional collection of liquor bottles was extensive at best. In truth, 'recycling' them had been the last thing on his mind. He pulled some of the wrappers out of the couch and dumped them into the trash bag.
Eventually, Aaron did find his cell phone buried half way under the couch near a pillow that had been tossed aside. He dropped to his knees, ducking his head down as he reached forward to grab the offending object with his right hand. The air was stale with a potent must that made him hold his breath, yelping when his hand scraped against the neck of a broken beer bottle. He hissed at the fractured glass, tightening his grip around the phone and pulling it out quickly.
Jack saw the blood before he did, a long, thin gash tracing down the width of his palm in a slight arc. Aaron winced a little as he brushed it against his leg, not noticing the ex-doctor turn two shades whiter.
"I'm sorry," Jack stammered, his breath hitched in the back of his throat.
Aaron shrugged, "It's only a cut. Last summer, I fell out of Ryan's tree fort and split my head open. I had to get stitches and everything."
He held up his hand. "I get these kind of cuts all the time when we jump off the swings at the park."
His indifferent tone seemed to calm Jack down enough to approach and examine the cut with his own eyes. It wasn't particularly deep, but he coaxed the boy into propping his arm up on the couch while he fetched his medical bag from the back of the closet. He was somewhat surprised to find it untouched under a pile of old shirts that he hadn't bothered to either hang up or throw out.
The third grader watched him with a mild curiosity.
"Will you let me clean it for you? Just to be sure," Jack held out a bottle of antiseptic.
Aaron nodded, climbing up onto the couch as Jack knelt. It had been almost four years since he had last tended to anyone who wasn't himself, which he did a poor job of. It felt strange but not entirely unwelcome; he was relieved that he hadn't forgotten how to be a doctor—even if it was just for a few minutes.
The boy gritted his teeth when the antiseptic hit but Jack was swift and blew on the wound to quell the sting.
"Do you have a dinosaur Band-Aid to put on it? Those are the kind that we always get but Sponge Bob is okay too."
The doctor narrowed his eyes, but didn't ask.
"Sorry, I just have the plain ones." He plucked one out of a box and smoothed it over the area.
"That's okay, those are the ones Mom likes too," Aaron said amiably. He inspected the job and nodded to Jack.
"Thanks."
"Don't thank me, I'm the reason you got hurt in the first place," the older man reasoned, coolly. He set his bag down and stared fixedly at the phone on the table, not looking forward to the call he would have to make.
The youth followed his gaze as he folded his hands.
"I guess, but it seemed more like an accident to me and it's all better now." He raised his arm again for emphasis, earning a soft snort.
"I'd better call your Mom." Jack reached for his cell, his fingers shook as he dialed the number, but he ignored them. He wouldn't take another pill until Aaron was safely out of the apartment.
The answering machine cut in after the third ring as expected. She never answered any of his calls anymore. The tone beeped and he hesitated.
"Kate, it's Jack. I know you really don't wanna here from me right now, but you need to know that Aaron's safe. He took the bus over to my apartment and I..." he trailed off. "Please just call me back when you get this."
"She might still be asleep...she's been really tired lately," Aaron offered. His stomach gave a fierce rumble, catching Jack's attention.
"Are you hungry?"
The boy nodded. "Mom and I were fighting so I didn't come out of my room for supper," he admited guiltily.
Jack bit the inside of his cheek as he surveyed the kitchen area.
"I think there's some leftover pizza." He opened the fridge to double check. It looked safe enough so he scooped up several slices, which he slid into the microwave.
They returned to the couch and Jack was surprised to find his finicky appetite strong enough to devour three whole pieces while the boy worked on his second. The Movie Network was showing Stephen Spielberg's Jurassic Park which hummed in the background. Aaron was paying more attention to Jack than the screen. He suddenly broke out into a childish laugh which made Jack tense.
"What?"
He glanced down to find a significant dusting of pizza crumbs collected in his beard. "Oh."
"Why don't you just get rid of it?" Aaron asked curiously. "I bet it's really itchy and stuff gets stuck in it," he reasoned.
"Well maybe I like it," Jack returned evenly. He did not want to have this conversation with a third grader. In truth, he didn't know why he had stopped shaving; it was never his intention—just something he hadn't gotten around to doing.
The boy considered this. "Nah, I don't think you do," he said with a sideways glance. He took another bite of his pizza and nearly leapt of the couch at the sound of a loud, primal roar, followed by a scream. A very mean looking velociraptor had appeared on screen and proceeded to rip some poor person apart.
"Er..maybe that's enough for one night huh?" Jack quickly changed the channel as Aaron did his best to keep a relatively neutral expression. He was trying to prove that he was unafraid though his bottom lip quivered a little.
"Okay."
They finished their meal in silence as they flicked through the channels, settling on an episode of Friends which was half over and then some cartoons that Jack could not name. Sometime during a commercial he felt the boy shift closer to him on the couch. The contented look Aaron gave him felt like a knife going through his heart. It was teasing him, giving him a taste of the life that he knew he could never live up to having.
He didn't move, not even to get his pills which would numb everything away, as he felt the boy relax against him. Something kept him glued to his spot and he could feel himself drifting into a restful sleep that was not alcohol induced.
Jack's eyes shot open as someone pounded on his front door. He jolted forward, almost knocking a slumbering Aaron off his chest. He frowned, his sleep-riddled mind trying to make sense of the loud shouting that seemed to echo along with the noise.
"Jack if this is some kind of sick joke!"
Kate's fiery green eyes met him at the threshold of the door. She glanced at him, scowled, and forced her way past him, looking around frantically.
"Where is he? Where's my son?" Her tone was both frantic and venomous at the same time.
"Shhh...Kate, just calm down. Aaron is fine." Jack rubbed his forehead and pointed.
"See?"
Kate held her breath as she shifted to see Aaron curled safe and sound between the pillows of Jack's couch. One of his small arms dangled off the side and she gently reached to set it next to his body. She turned on Jack.
"What the hell were you thinking? Why is he here?"
He winced at her tone. "I don't know. He took the bus, he was upset about some camping trip, said he wanted to live with me."
Her expression fell, making Jack feel instantly guilty for bringing it up.
"Woah, hey, Kate it's alright. We talked about it. I think he just wanted to prove to you that he he's all grown up. It's just a stage, he isn't mad at you, it's okay, really." Jack managed sleepily.
She still seemed angry at him, but the overload of adrenaline left her almost as shaky as he was. Jack somehow managed to find the coordination to guide her to the couch, sitting her next to her son...his nephew.
"I just...I woke up and he was gone and I...I thought someone had taken him and that he had gotten hurt and I... This is all my fault Jack, I shouldn't have yelled at him." She closed her eyes, a mix of fear, anxiety, and exhaustion rattling her mind. Images of the past few hours were roaring to life in a way that startled her, made her tremble against the hands that were trying to rein her back in.
"Kate," he whispered in her ear, his hands still on either side of her shoulders, rubbing them in slow, soothing circles.
"Kate, it's gonna be okay. Aaron's young. He is going to act out from time to time; this certainly isn't your fault. You were just trying to protect him." Jack told her gently. Something about her presence made his heart flutter. He wanted to take her in his arms like he used to, to just forget about all the bad things that had happened to them, but didn't dare try it.
She watched him out of the corner of her eye, the way his expression softened making him look almost pained. His apartment was clean but he wasn't and she could tell by the way his hands were trembling that he was fighting it, pretending there was nothing about him that needed fixing.
"I've miss you ya know," she admitted softly.
Something inside him flared. "Kate don't..."
"Don't what Jack? I can't be like you, I can't pretend that this is the way things have to be. I know what I said to you and I know how much it hurts that we had to lie but nobody blames you Jack, not anymore."
"Stop. Just stop, please," he moaned. He could feel his defenses cracking, the need to take something to keep the edge off started to get the better of him.
She caught him before he even attempted to move away from her, forcing him to sit next to her on the couch.
"No Jack, you need to tell me what's wrong. You need to talk to me."
"Nothing," he hissed.
"Nothing," she repeated. "So nothing is why you're drowning yourself in alcohol and pain killers? Why you lost your job?"
His fists clenched as his heart sank.
"How did you..." he mumbled.
"Aaron had to go get stiches at your old hospital. He asked about you and the nurse told him you didn't work there anymore."
She issued a harsh stare toward the pile of bottles by the door. "I know how to put two and two together," she sighed.
"Why can't you just talk to me? I know you aren't yourself but I need to know why, Jack. I need to know why you threw it all away."
"This has nothing to do with you."
Jack's nostrils flared. "I'd be a lousy father to Aaron so it's best if you just keep him as far away from me as possible."
"No." She leaned in to cup his cheeks feeling his hot breath on the side of her neck.
"You're a good guy Jack and I don't ever want you to forget that. I don't care what Hurley said that night to spook you, but I know it did. You were never the same after. Now I want you to tell me why."
"I...I'm not the one to raise Aaron." His voice quivered with both anger and exhaustion. "I'm not supposed to," he finished lamely.
"And you've made yourself believe that, haven't you Jack?" Kate chewed on her lip.
"Do you really think that I am either? That I'm really meant to be a mother? God Jack, I've been on the run over half my life. But do you know what? At least I'm trying."
He emitted an undignified snort. "Yeah well I guess I'm just not cut out for this."
"No," she was breathing heavy and shaking her head repeatedly. "You're a natural," she pointed toward Aaron who had wormed his way back into Jack's lap.
"Just unwilling to let yourself believe it."
It was at that moment that she did something which caught Jack completely and utterly off guard— she hugged him. Wrapping her arms tightly around his back she let her head rest against his chest and he made no motion to stop her. He sighed, allowing the familiar feelings of having someone at his side sweep over him like a warm blanket.
He knew that when morning came everything would go back to the way it was, Kate would take Aaron home and he would fall back into old habits. But for now, for those brief few hours before the sun had even risen, he had gotten to the heart of the matter and was able to forgive himself if not just for a little while.
"I'm so sorry Kate," he mumbled against her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry."
A/N: Well there's a little quick one for you. Definitely the potential of continuing this if you guys are interested? Aaron does have that school camping trip coming up and Jack and Kate might just know a thing or two about camping. Please review.
In the mean time, if you like the Aaron, Jack, Kate relationship check out Five Minutes to Midnight where Season 5 Jack and Kate pretty much land on 36 year-old's Aaron's doorstep as a consequence of Jack detonating that hydrogen bomb.