Steele Missing Him

Steele swirled the remnants of the brandy and then lifting the glass offered a silent salute and salutation to the large portrait hanging on the wall. He didn't often drink brandy and certainly not alone but underneath this picture, Daniel's portrait he knew he wasn't alone. Daniel, his friend, his mentor, his father was always with him.

The irony therefore was not lost on him that as he sat here and knew he wasn't alone he felt the most lonely that he had in a very long time. It was his usual custom to come and sit here when things weren't going well. When life dealt him a hand that felt unjustified and unfair. This time however was different, this time he had exciting news, happy news, news he wanted to share with the man who all but raised him. He thought of all of the times that he could have called Daniel and spoken to him and hadn't. Times of missed opportunity, times that would never come again.

Looking into the eyes that always seemed to watch him Steele could almost hear what the man who owned them would have said, "Harry my boy, never look back. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but it can play tricks with your mind and cause you to doubt yourself, and others."

It was true and Steele acknowledged that but knowing the truth of something and implementing it were two different things and often the later was harder than it should have been. People said that you often didn't know just what you had until you no longer had it and that it was only once it had gone that one truly appreciated the value and gift of it. A saying that Steele thought could be taken in many ways, one could make a person yearn for what they had lost and wish they had appreciated it more, another could make a soul determined to be grateful for all he had.

That thought caused him to raise his head upwards, on the floor above him Laura and Sophie both slept peacefully, in Sophie dwelt all she was and all she was yet to become, they had many milestones ahead of them. Milestones he would have loved to have shared with his father, her grandfather. Milestones he was all the more determined to be there for and to treasure and now he was going to treasure them for both himself and for Daniel. Laura too slept and within her dwelt their next child, while he dreamed of a son he also knew he'd feel just as blessed with another daughter. Soon every moment of her life would be a cause for wonder and celebration, things best shared with loved ones.

It made him feel slightly guilty, Laura was the one he most wanted to share his life with and he had that, he had her, he had them. But the little boy that still lived inside of him wanted to be able to share the highlights, the low and all that came between with Daniel too. He'd missed an entire lifetime of sharing things with his father and although he hadn't had that it was times like this that he realised he wasn't ready to give it up quite yet.

"You need to turn those thoughts, around son."

Steele blinked, certain that he'd heard those words as clearly as if they had been spoken aloud to him.

"We didn't need titles and names to know what we were to each other."

Steele smiled at that, over the years he and Daniel had been many things to each other, always there, always a shout or a phone call away. Truth be known they had probably shared a much closer relationship that many other fathers and sons did.

"If only you were here now." Steele said and this time the portrait hang silent. "There are so many things I need to tell you."

"Then tell him." This time the voice was Laura's and Steele would have thought he'd dreamed her until he felt her small, warm and capable hand on his shoulder.

"I miss him."

"I know, but he's always with you."

"Do you truly believe that?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what I believe."

Steele grinned, "That's not like you." he said.

"I believe his legacy lives on in you, in Sophie and in..." Laura paused and touched the slight swell of her stomach, an action that made Steele smile and he reached out to cover her hand with his.

"I also believe that you can share things with him, just like you're doing. The other thing that you already do and do so well is you are the father that you always wanted yourself, the father he would have been to you if only he'd had the chance."

"Do you really believe that?"

Laura smiled, 'I know that, he might not have been a father to you in name but he was a father to you in all the ways that matter. Even if some of those was were dubious."

"To say the least."

"The very least." Laura said grinning.

"Will this ever stop?"

"I'm not sure, I think though with Daniel's skill set and personality that he could be dubious anywhere... even in Heaven."

"True, but I meant missing him, do you think that will ever stop?"

"Only when you see him again and..." Laura shuddered. 'Not too soon, please." she added in a small voice.

"I don't know if I can cope with always missing him."

"Then turn those thoughts around."

"That's what... you'll think I'm insane."

"What he said?"

"It is insane, isn't it?"

"No."

"No?"

"I think those we love and who love us talk to us all the time, we know what they are likely to say and so we're able to have conversations with them on their behalf, you know him so well and he you, part of that at least is bound to remain."

"I just want to share this wonderful life we have with him."

"He is and always will be a big part of it, just as you are and always will be with our children." Laura smiled, "It's still so new', she said, "to use the plural of the word."

"Exciting, isn't it."

"Yes, and Harry", Laura stopped and looking into his eyes said, "he is a part of that, too. The best way you can show that is by simply being you, and be the father he wants you to be, that he missed the chance to be."

"Appreciate what I have before it's too late?"

"Something like that."

"He said that too, I think and I do, I truly do."

Laura kissed him, "I know you do and Harry... it's okay to miss him, I miss him too."

"It's strange, I could go for months and not speak to him and yet I miss him now, everyday."

"Well he certainly was a big presence."

Steele grinned and looking up at the portrait said, "I think he still is."

Taking Laura's hand Steele said, "Let's go back to bed."

"Good idea." Laura said, "After all at least one of us will have to be up soon with Sophie Bean."

Harry winked at the portrait and said, "Does he count?"

"Probably all the time but not as a babysitter, can you just imagine what he'd teach her?"

"Excellent point Mrs Steele, now let's go up, I have a feeling I'll be needing sleep."

The portrait seemed to hang silently as the two made their way upstairs, Steele only turning to glance at it as he was certain he heard a small whisper, "I miss you too, my boy."