Kyuubi, How It Really Went Down
Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me, but if it did I'd do… something
A/N: I know this story is completely retarded but I decided with all the conspiracy theories about Naruto's dad and the Akatsuki leader and this and that. So I decided to make up one of my own. It's up to you all to decide how much of it is true. Please don't flame me too bad; it's my first and probably my last fanfic, and it's a one-shot. I do accept constructive criticism, but don't correct my spelling. I know, it's atrocious. I'm the liverwurst speller in the hole whale word.
(Oh I have links to the pictures in my profile, if you can't get to them)
Let the madness begin…
"It's your baby." Ami said looking him dead in the eye.
"Fuck that shit. No it ain't mine you whore." Yondaime argued.
"You the only one I've been with, prick." Ami said raising her voice.
"Then you better get an abortion no jutsu." Yondaime said.
"Do those even exist in this universe?" Ami asked.
"How the fuck am I supposed to know?" Yondaime replied, regretting that he'd ever touched her.
"I'm keeping it." Ami said plainly.
"Shit."
"You have to marry me." Ami said her voice raising an octave.
"Like hell I do." Yondaime replied stubbornly.
"You're going to have to support me and this baby with your Hokage money." Ami ordered.
"Fuck."
Fast Forward to October 10th.
"Man, that kid's going to be born any day now. There's going to be big controversy when it's born and I'll probably lose my Hokage position. I wonder what Jiraiya would do if he was in this situation."
"I probably would have used a condom, loser." Jiraiya retorted.
"Man go away, those probably don't exist in this universe either." Yondaime said.
As Yondaime thought about his dilemma, a random guy came in.
"Hokage-sama a giant nine-tailed demon fox is attacking the village," reported the random guy.
"And how the fuck is one guy supposed to fight a big-ass demon?" Yondaime yelled.
"Umm… haxs?"
"Just get the fuck out of here, man."
A few minutes later…
Pic in profile
"THis is getting serious. think, Think, THINK...BRAIN BLAST!!!!"
"You, random guy, look up sealing jutsu on wikipedia."
"My name is-"
"No one gives a fuck." Yondaime yelled.
"But Wikipedia doesn't-"
"Yes it does. Now do it!"
"Okay Hokage-sama." Said random guy.
"Random guy 2, get that whore Ami down here."
"My name is (wike wike) Slim Shady." Said Random guy 2.
"Umm…Sure…Why not?"
30 minutes later…
"So what's the actual plan?" The random guy asked.
"It's simple. We just have to seal that big ass demon into the baby. That way the village is safe and I'm a hero. Also it won't look bad if I take an interest in the child who contains the demon fox. I can raise him and no one will be suspicious at all. They'll just think I've decided to take the woman who risked her baby's life under my roof as a show of my gratitude by providing them support until his 18. It's fool proof." Yondaime explained.
"Umm…" Random guy said.
"How will we actually get the kyuubi to come to us?" Slim Shady asked.
"With this PokePorn." Yondaime said. (A/N: You know you're curious. Go here or to my profile)
(http ://www. deviantart. Com /deviation/591 38467/)
"That Ninetails is a bad girl." Random guy said.
"O.o" Slim Shady said.
"Dude WTF?!!!" Yondaime said.
"Hey you're the one that just happens to have it on hand." Random guy argued.
"… Come on Slim, let's get the kyuubi. Random guy, go deliver the baby, that bitch's water just broke."
"MY NAME IS-"
"No one fucking cares!" Yondaime said as they exited the room.
1 hour later (Sadly Ami has died in childbirth)
"Well that takes care of that problem. Now I have even more of an excuse to raise him." Yondaime said.
"Umm… Hokage-sama, this kid has blonde hair and he kind of looks like you…" Random guy reported.
"Fuck. Well she was a slut anyway. Any ideas, Slim?"
"We could say the father died during the battle." Slim Shady suggested.
"But there aren't many villagers with blonde hair and blue eyes." Random guy said.
"Damn."
"We could pass it off as an effect of the sealing jutsu." Slim said
"Works for me." Yondaime said.
"But…" started Random guy
"Dammit, Random guy, what is your problem?" Yondaime yelled.
"Well it started when I was just a kid at the ninja academy…"
"STFU, N00b!"
"He pwned j00s LOL." Slim shady said.
Let the justu begin
20 minutes later
"Damn this is taking a long time. It's like draining all my fucking charka." Yondaime complained.
"You spelled chakra wrong."
"I fucking hate you man." Yondaime said.
3 Hours later
"Well, I'm glad that's over with. We should have a big party. We'll invite all of Konoha." Yondaime said.
"Awesome." Slim Shady said.
"That's not really in the budget right now. And I don't think a party is a good idea now with people still mourning the loss of their love ones." Random guy announced.
"That's it random guy, you're not invited."
"Damn."
"Turn off the computer, Slim." Order the 4th Hokage.
"K… Oh Noez!" Slim Shady exclaimed.
"What is it now?" Yondaime asked.
"According to this article, that sealing jutsu you just performed is going to kill you." Random guy said.
"That's pretty gay." Slim shady said.
"SON OF A BITCH!!!" yelled Yondaime. dies
END
A/N: That's pretty much it. I know it's not that good but I wrote it at like 3 in the morning and had too much sugar. All I ask for is reviews.
Konichiwa bitches PS. This retarded fic couldn't be made without the help of Techy and Becky. So if you hate it, it's only 33.3 my fault.
P.S.S Becky has his own original fiction on fiction press which I'll put the link to after I get at least 10 reviews.