A Reason to Smile

Rating: k

Warnings: no beta; not mine, all characters belong to MGM

Spoilers: Sunday- don't read if you haven't seen it (thus it will be spoiled)

Summary: Teyla finds out about Carson

A Reason to Smile

Waking was slow, comprehension non existent. A dull throbbing pulsed through the right side of her body straight to her head. Voices that swirled around her only added to the pain. The white film that covered her mouth seemed to lay siege on her eyes as well. Her lids were heavy and her voice uncooperative. What happened?

Warmth encased her hand as gentle words floated through her head. Someone had been there with her, standing by her, holding her as the pain became too severe. Gentle, kind, understanding. Carson.

The hand around hers tightened. Large, calloused palm and fingers massaged away her worry. Deep, soft words soothed her pain. Not Carson, but still she felt safe and warm. Leaden eyelids cracked open and allowed tired eyes to drift to her caregiver. Large, solid, furry. Ronon.

Cold flowed through her body and she turned to see a figure by her left side. Her blurry eyes took in the state of the room. People, more than usual, filled the infirmary. Suddenly her body felt heavy again and within moments she was drifting.

"How is she?" Elizabeth had been standing quietly behind Ronon for several minutes now. He knew she was there, but would wait until she was ready.

"She woke up for a minute, but she was out of it."

"You should get some sleep."

"Don't know if I can."

"Well, try. I'll sit with her." The Satedan was a mess. His clothes and face were streaked with soot and blood. "You know, a shower wouldn't hurt either, it might actually help."

Ronon looked at his clothes before regarding her with a small smirk. With one final squeeze of Teyla's small hand, he stood.

"She asked for Beckett." Ronon felt more than heard the sigh Elizabeth released. He put a large hand to her small shoulder, "don't stay too long. The nurse said she'd sleep for a while." She nodded in understanding and watched him leave before turning to her oblivious friend.

"Oh Teyla. We lost Carson today. It's not like we haven't lost people before. But this, it's Carson. For the first time since coming to Atlantis, I wish we never had."

Comprehension was slow, words nonexistent. Quiet voices to her left brought her out of her pain. Two nurses were consoling each other as a man lay sleeping to her left. The dim lighting of the room told her that it was night. A sharp pain lanced her side and traveled straight to her head. The hiss she released brought one of those nurses to her side. She ran off promising to bring the doctor. Good, Carson would tell her why she felt as if she'd been split in half.

Teyla closed her eyes to the pain. When she opened them, Dr. Cole was there asking questions. As the blond doctor probed her side and checked her heart rate, Teyla's mind began to wander back to the explosion. What happened?

"You've been spending too much time in this place lately. I'm beginning to think you've got a crush on one of the new doctors."

"John?" He eased into the chair to her right.

"How are you feeling?"

"John, what happened?" He looked so tired and sad and that scared her more than the hole in her side.

Teyla listened as John told her of the deaths of Drs. Houston and Henried, and Sgt. Meara. He told her of the tumors and the damage yet another seemingly pointless Ancient device caused. Her own injury had been bad, but Carson, as always, set her to rights. Then, he stopped. There was more, but Teyla could tell he was reluctant to speak about it. The day had taken its toll. She would give him the time he needed.

"I forgot my bantos in the gym. That is why I was not with her. My mind was on other things and I simply forgot them."

"It's a good thing. We could have lost you too." She meet his shining eyes with weary ones.

"The next thing I remember is Carson telling me I would be alright." John sighed heavily, his hand coming to rest on her arm.

Where was Carson? Why had he not checked on her yet? Should he not be standing by her with words of encouragement and promises of rest and relaxation? Where were the dimpled grin and gentle eyes?

"John, where is Carson?"

She listened. Unbelieving, yet understanding. Carson Beckett risked his own life to save another. The man had survived, but Carson had not. She understood his need to try and save as many as he could. John did not. Why would Carson place himself in danger so readily. He didn't have to operate, he could have left the man there and lived.

"Lived with the knowledge that another died needlessly so he could be saved. Do you really believe Carson could have lived with that?"

"And Carson's death wasn't needless?" Her left hand moved to cover his where it lay on her arm.

"How many times have you put your life at risk to save another? I am living proof of your devotion to your friends. Carson is, was just as devoted, only to all human life. It is not our job to understand death, John, but to celebrate the life we live before it."

John scrubbed his free hand across his face before letting it rest on the back of his neck. She waited for him to meet her gaze before continuing.

"You should check on Rodney."

"Radek's keeping an eye on him."

"And Elizabeth?"

"Is with Ronon."

"Good. Now, you should get some rest."

"Teyla, I'm not going to leave you alone right now."

"I will not be alone," she indicated the nurses hovering around. She gave him a small smile to appease his worry. "The next few days will be exhausting, you should rest while you can."

He released her hands, stood and disappeared from view. Teyla settled deeper into the bed. She felt the tears brimming on tired eyes. Closing them in an attempt to stave off the tears did nothing but give power to the thoughts. Every moment she shared with Carson came forward, but one in particular stayed.

Her memories were interrupted by the sound of familiar boot steps. John had returned with bottles of water, a Power Bar, and a magazine. Teyla watched with soft eyes as he pulled off his boots, propped his feet on her bed and settled into the less-than-comfortable chair.

He shrugged his shoulders giving her a sideways glance, "I didn't have anywhere else to be at the moment."

"Thank you John."

"Get some rest."

Settling on her right side, her thoughts came back to Carson. She remembered the day she had attacked the doctor and a few others while under the influence of the Wraith. Later she tried to apologize to the gentle man, but he waved it off, saying the incident was not her fault. He sat her down, poured a cup of tea, and simply listened. It became custom for them, whenever time allowed, to meet for tea and conversation.

But it was that day, the acceptance, friendship, and laughter he offered, that she remembered best. That was the memory she would bring forth when she thought of Carson Beckett. A simple moment, long gone by, but it would always make her smile.