title: you hold my heart in your hand (please don't break it)
summary: Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Sanageyama Uzu would lie awake in bed and simply think.
characters: Sanageyama Uzu, Matoi Ryuko
pairings: Established UzuRyuko
notes: This was inspired by a doujin I saw on Tumblr where Sanageyama and Ryuko are getting married and Ryuko and Mikisugi have a long overdue talk. There was a line in there, between Nonon and Sanageyama that kind of prompted this. Also posted on Tumblr.
-.-
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Uzu would lie awake and the nagging worry that he pushed out of his mind would come crawling back and try as he might, he could never stop it. "Ryuko's too good for you" and "she's going to leave you for the nudist", among others, plagued him, leaving him unable to sleep even though his body and eyes protested.
He wasn't stupid, as Jakuzure often said, and he was well aware of Ryuko's long held feelings for the older man. He told himself, some days more insistent than others, that so long as Ryuko was happy, then he'd be content just being her "rival" or whatever she wanted him to be. He told himself that he'd back off.
But neither Mikisugi nor Ryuko made a move and it only gave him hope. It wasn't much, but it was all he had. He clung to it like a drowning man clung to a lifesaver and the longer neither made a move, the more his hope grew until he could no longer hold it back.
And if he were honest, he was a selfish man.
Breathing deeply, Uzu shifted so that he could see the outline of Ryuko's body in the moonlight, watching as it rose and fell gently. Reaching out, he brushed a finger across her back, over her shoulders, never quite touching. Almost afraid that any more and she would disappear.
In all honesty, he was waiting for the day she'd realize he wasn't good enough, that she still wanted Mikisugi. He waited for her to tell him that what they had was over, that she could no longer kid herself with their relationship. He waited. He hated that he waited. But like his thoughts, he couldn't stop.
"Mm, Uzu?"
His eyes immediately flickered up to find Ryuko's sleepy eyes turned on him. Still his heart leapt and beat faster whenever she spoke his name. He whispered, "Yeah?"
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
The bed shifted as Ryuko turned to be able to face Uzu without straining her neck. Her eyes looked clearer, the sleep slowly disappearing but never fully going away, as she regarded him softly. "Nothing never means nothing. It's always something."
Uzu shook his head. "It's really nothing, Ryuko. Go back to sleep."
One of her hands came up to brush away the hair that had fallen into his eyes and he shuddered, eyes falling closed at her touch. Her fingers traced a line from his cheekbones down to his jawline, her touch feather light and brushing butterfly kisses against his skin. Her movements paused against his lips and he held it there, pressing soft kisses to the pads of her fingers.
"You know I'll listen if you ever want to talk about it, right?" she whispered, though in the silence of the night it sounded a lot louder to his ears.
"I know," he replied, sighing the words into her fingers. "Thank you."
Ryuko hummed, already slipping back into the slumber she had been roused from, and turned her hand so that their fingers could intertwine, interlinked hands resting on the pillow between their heads.
Uzu shifted forward to plant a soft, adoring kiss to the back of Ryuko's hand and then one to each of her eyelids, and finally, to her lips. It was short and sweet, gentle and so unlike the kisses they shared during the day; it was reassuring in a way. Whether he was trying to reassure her or himself, he didn't know.
His other arm wound around her waist, pulling her closer so that he could cradle her to his chest, nose buried in the junction of her neck, breathing in the smell of her shampoo and body wash and something distinctively Ryuko. It was awkward, but Uzu's willing to put aside a bit of discomfort if it meant holding Ryuko close.
With the tick of the clock hands permeating the silent night air, Uzu felt the moment Ryuko had fallen back into a deep slumber with her way her chest rose and fell against his own, a steady and comforting tempo. Gently untangling their hands so that they were no longer trapped awkwardly between them, he stroked her cheek one last time, placing a feather soft kiss to her temple. Against her skin, he murmured, "I'm sorry."
Yes, Uzu thought. He was a selfish man but everyone deserved to be selfish once in a while. And, glancing down upon Ryuko's sleeping face, he was going to continue to be selfish for as long as he could.
-.-
She still hadn't broken up with him.
The curtains were drawn back, allowing the moonlight to shine through, surrounding the two of them in a halo of light. Uzu found himself wide awake and with a sigh, he reached over to rummage through the nightstand drawer, pulling out the dark velvet box he had hidden there three months ago.
He sat up, fingers playing with the box. Snapping the lid open, he stared at the simple silver band that sat within the cushions. Tracing a finger along the edges, he gently brought it up to the light, observing the way it shone.
He chuckled mirthlessly at himself and placed the ring back into its box. What was he thinking, buying a ring? Just because Ryuko was still with him didn't give him the right to trap her to him forever. She was still in love with Mikisugi and that hadn't changed in the four years they've been together. The hope he had clung to early on in their relation had long since diminished until it was nothing more than a thin thread, ready to snap at a moment's notice.
"Uzu? You're still awake?"
Angling his head at Ryuko, he found her propped up onto her elbows, hair falling in a tangled mess around her face. One of her hands was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and in that moment, she had never seemed more beautiful.
He returned the box back to its dark corner in the drawer of the nightstand. "Couldn't sleep."
"Is something bothering you?" she asked, stifling a yawn that threatened to break through.
"I – yes." With a sigh, he gazed at her through the corner of his eyes. "Will you listen?"
She blinked, pushing herself so that she sat upright and reached over to grasp him hands within her own, thumbs rubbing comfortingly across the backs of his hands and over his knuckles. "Of course."
It was like the floodgates had opened and everything came spilling out.
All the fears he had kept locked up, the worry that gnawed and ate away at him, came rushing out in a jumbled mess of an explanation. He wasn't making any sense, he knew, but that didn't stop him. He kept talking, an unstoppable train wreck. Ryuko listened, never pausing her ministrations and never speaking, simply letting him barrel on until he could no longer go on.
He paused to draw in a deep breath and didn't say anymore, letting the silence wash over them as Ryuko tried to soak in everything that was thrown at her. The silence dragged on, Uzu too anxious to speak up again and Ryuko too unsure of how to respond.
At length, he spoke up. "You love Mikisugi."
Ryuko didn't answer immediately, her thumbs pausing momentarily before starting up again. Uzu shifted anxiously, waiting impatiently for her reply and the longer she didn't utter a noise, the more worried he became.
"Yes," she sighed at last. "I do love Mikisugi."
It wasn't new information, but it still stung. That fact that she had admitted it made the sting just that much worse, but it wasn't something he wasn't used to.
"But," she continued, "I also love you. And right now, Uzu? I'm happy with you and I don't want anyone else."
"But what if –" he tried to argue, only for her to place a finger over his lips.
"No buts, Uzu." She shook her head, tangled hair flying over her shoulder. He brought a hand up to push some wayward strands out of her face, lingering near the shell of her ear. "I'm not going to leave you for Mikisugi."
He wanted to believe, but t was hard. For so long, he had told himself that Ryuko would disappear that he never questioned it. To hear her say, so frankly, that she wouldn't was jarring and unexpected and he wanted to tuck it away into some dark recess of his mind, to pull out later and marvel over. The frayed thread of hope started repairing itself, glowing brighter and stronger and Uzu wondered if it was okay, to be able to hope again.
Ryuko seemed to have sensed his disbelief because she leaned over to kiss him gently, and when it seemed he still didn't believe, she leaned in again and again, kissing him until he did. And even when he did believe, they didn't stop.
-.-
It didn't stop the worries from coming over him. He would still lie awake in bed and think of how Ryuko loved Mikisugi, how his life might have been had they done something about it. Sometimes, it was harder to ignore the little whispers, but then he'd glance down at the ring that adorned his left hand and it would help ease the worry.
It was still a dull pain, knowing that he wasn't Ryuko's first love, but that was alright. As long as she loved him, here and now, everything was going to be okay.