Small, short, and only slightly cracky. Slightly inspired by a friend of mine who does in fact, sleep grope. He says it's a Pavlovian thing. B. This is for you.
Read on! (Humbuggy)
Peter has this thing. It's somewhat embarrassing and has led to the shouting, running, shooting kind of trouble that he excels in, but it's something that he finds very hard to help.
It's like sleepwalking, but instead of walking, he gropes people. If he's sleeping, and there's someone right next to him (also sleeping), his hands and fingers just magically gravitate towards certain areas. Next thing he'll wake up to is his hands in places that you don't touch in public, or at least, not respectable public. It's either that, or he's slapped awake and shouted at. Sometimes it leads to the kind of story two people laugh over, and other times… it doesn't.
It's only happened once or twice, or eight, or eighty times.
It's not his fault okay! He's just a horny gropey person when he's asleep. It's his subconscious, he can't really help it okay?
It first started occurring when he hit puberty, that 'magical time of transformations and blossoming' where suddenly the four armed woman with the scales is the subject of some really strange fantasies. Technically the sleep groping started after the four-armed woman decided to show him 'how to be a man-tchala'. So what if his first sexual experience was with a four-armed alien when he was fifteen, none of his childhood, even on Terra, was exactly normal okay?
Anyway, back to the sleep groping thing. Only a few times has it gotten him into trouble that he can't talk his way out of. Because there was that one time in a dingy prison brig waiting for transport out when he was 19, where he was elbow to elbow with some others when he fell asleep and next thing you know, there's a riot. Damn his wandering hands, and damn over-reacting alt-chiturians.
Oh, but there was also the time where he fell asleep in the corner of some bar with someone, then that other time with Verixi artefact and it's unfortunate self defence mechanism, oh and the thing that happened with the Corixian– you know, why doesn't he just stop there? There have been a lot of 'times'.
Half the time, it's okay, because sleep groping is fine when you were consensual awake-groping and consensual fucking and consensual snuggling two hours before with the same person. Mostly the person next to him will groan sleepily with arousal, then next thing happens there's another round of consensual sexing. Which Peter will never say no to. Because, hey sex!
But before the whole thing with the orb-that-was-actually-an-infinity-gem and Ronan the Destroyer, and you know, the whole saving the galaxy thing, the sleep groping wasn't actually that much of a problem. However, he's now living with the following people:
1. Gamora, who could kill him with her little toe.
2. Drax, who could kill him.
3. Rocket who could kill him.
4. And Groot who, despite being stuck as a twig in a pot, could also possibly kill him.
Groot isn't really an issue though. Tree's don't have sexual organs where sleep-gropey hands are likely to wander. Everyone else though…
He is so fucked, and not in the good way either.
Mostly he's able to avoid awkward situations just by not sharing his bunk (not an issue), avoiding sleeping next to other people, and snuggling a pillow.
Yes. Snuggling a pillow. Pillows do not have sex organs and are not conscious. Therefore, he can do as much groping as his subconscious desires with no consequences. Fact.
But some situations are simply not avoidable. And this is currently one of them.
It goes like this: A contact notifies Peter of a rare object worth a ton of credits to the right people. The guardians mutually agree to retrieve it from it's hiding place on a freezing moon bum-fuck nowhere. In the maze of caves where the thing is located, Gamora and Drax are separated from Peter and Rocket. Peter and Rocket subsequently lose their way back. Now they both really, really, need to rest while stuck in a cave just a few degrees off 'freeze your dick solid'.
Yeah. Somehow, Peter was always nervous about it coming to this.
Rocket scuffed the ground with one foot, before looking up at Quill.
"Yeah. We're lost." Rocket stated, breath coming out in little puffs of condensed air.
"I got that Sherlock." Peter replied as he shivered relentlessly in his warm, but obviously not warm enough, coat. "Do you think we can find our way out, without having to rely on Gamora and Drax to find us?"
"In a word. No."
Rocket scratched behind his ear and yawned. "I think we're just gonna have to bunk up here while we wait. I seriously need sleep."
Quill sighed, shivered violently some more, before agreeing with reluctance. "You can sleep at this temperature?"
"Naw, I'l just shudder in place – body heat Humy!" Rocket snapped, obviously reaching the end of his patience. "I'm better off than you, cause I've got fur, and my cybernetics' can keep me a little warmer. But unless you want to come back with less body parts than you started with, we're gonna have to share our body heat. Which means you get to be the big spoon."
Wincing, Peter started to object before Rocket interrupted by lumping his furry little body on the ground and curling in place.
"Get the fuck down here Quill, and spread the edge of your coat a little. The ground is cold."
Peter restrained a sigh, and gave up, bending down to seat himself on the ground, obediently curled around Rocket. There was a minute or two of fussing about as they both got themselves and Peter's coat arranged to their liking; one edge between the floor and both Peter and Rocket, and the other curled over like a blanket.
It took about a minute or so before Peter could relax enough to appreciate the fact that he truly was warmer. The heat that Rocket gave off was enough to take the edge off the chill, and stop him from shivering. Kept insulated by Peter's long leather coat, both Peter and Rocket soon found their selves drifting off into an uneasy sleep. Peter had enough presence of mind to hope that his hands would keep to their selves before he let unconsciousness take him.
Unfortunately it is not so.
A screech of "What the FUCK Quill!" Sends Peter tumbling out of sleep and into brutal consciousness as he realises what Rocket definitely just happened to wake up to.
Aww crap.
"What the Hell were your hands doing there?" Rocket demanded as Peter rolled to his feet and held his hands far away from anything they could grope.
"Sorry, man, sorry! I swear I didn't mean too – it's just a thing I have. It's why I was so reluctant to 'share body heat'. I swear I didn't mean to – Like seriously. I never sleep with anyone who I wasn't fucking so it ain't a problem."
Rocket does a full body shudder. "I am never sharing a bunk with you, ever." He shudders again before he calms down enough to say. "We are never going to mention this to anyone. Okay?"
"Okay!"
"Okay."
They observe each other for a moment longer before Rocket says, "That's not to say I'm not interested in a bit of tail. But you- urgh. No."
"I feel the same way." Peter assures, still keeping his horrible offensive hands high in the air. "We okay?"
"Yeah. We're okay." Rocket swipes a rough hand over his face and his ears, muttering under his breath. "Aww, Christ, yeah, we're okay."
He must have picked that swear up off Peter, 'Christ' was entirely a terra thing.
Peter scuffed a boot on the ground. "Okay. Well. I think we should get going. I'm pretty sure I've remembered which turn went wrong."
"Right. Yeah. Lets go."
With a huge amount of awkwardness that was very quickly dissolved by inappropriate jokes and reminisces about previous heists gone wrong, the two found their way back to the Milano.
Gamora and Drax looked up with no little relief as they approached.
"Quill, Rocket. We were about to go searching for you." Said Gamora, eyes flicking over the mismatched pair.
Peter grinned and waved a weary hand. "No need obviously. You find it?"
"Yes. We've stuck it in lock up."
"Good." Peter said, and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm going to go have a hot shower or something. Those caves were freezing."
Things after that returned to normal and the incident was never brought up again.
Except for that time they played never have I ever.
Lets put it this way. There's not a lot that Peter and Gamora haven't done, Drax thinks too literally, Groot is a tree, and Rocket…
Well. Rocket's a talking raccoon. He was always going to be an outlier.
So yeah. They don't mention the time they played never have I ever. It was a terrible suggestion, and Peter was huge idiot for thinking of it. The whole night turned into one of those things that got turned into a flea, then put in a box, than another box, then a larger box, then squashed with a hammer. Only to DIE, NEVER TO RISE AGAIN!
Like he said. Never. Ever. Going. To. Talk. About. It. EVER.
FIN.
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