A/N: This isn't a smut story. It's a sexual comedy, but it is sexually explicit for comedic effect. In this first installment Liam and Hayden engage in some kink negotiations.

Bad Sex

Chapter 1: Liam & Hayden

Liam grazed his mouth over Hayden's and brushed the hair back over her shoulder. "Are you ready to take the next step?"

She closed her eyes and nodded against his face.

Excitement surged through Liam's body. They had been dating for over a month and this would be their first time. He shucked his shirt over his head and leaned forward to resume their make-out session.

"Wait." She pressed her hand against the warm swell of muscles lining his hard, hairy chest.

"Is this your first time?" He asked, his voice as gentle as he could make it.

"No." She shook her head and gave him a coy smile. "Actually I've done it a lot."

"Nice!" Liam nodded, appreciating that she was experienced.

"Yes, and I know exactly what I need to get me off."

"Perfect." He covered her hand with his own and squeezed her fingers. "I don't wanna do this unless it's good for both of us. Please, tell me what you need."

Hayden took a deep breath and went for it. "Okay, I know this may sound strange, but I can only climax if the Frozen soundtrack is playing in the background."

"In that case crank up the music and let it go!" Liam declared.

"Thanks." Hayden grinned, relieved he wasn't turned off. "Also, I'm going to need to face east."

"Positioning is everything for some people," Liam agreed with a smile. "But no problem here. North, south, east, or west, I'm just happy to get laid."

"And I'll need three fingers up my butt."

"Hey, I'm game."

"Also, I have to top," Hayden said with a crisp nod.

"Wait what?" Liam furrowed his brow.

"Yeah, if we do this I'm going to have to fuck you with a strap-on. Otherwise it just won't be worth it."

Liam shrugged. "Well I've always heard prostate stimulation is very pleasurable, so I'll give it a try."

"While we're fucking talk dirty to me in a French accent, but when you start to cum scream my name in a Spanish one."

"Castilian or Mexican?"

"Columbian."

"That'll be so hot!"

"Oh, and you have to ask permission before you cum."

"Kinky!"

"With at least thirty minutes prior notice."

"Oh...well sure."

"And please estimate the amount of semen you'll be ejaculating. Just a ballpark figure is fine."

"It's usually between three and five ropes and then a little dribble, but with all that prostate stimulation I'm gonna guess six ropes and maybe a trickling spurt or two."

"And you have to curl your toes during your orgasm."

"I always do." Liam winked.

"Into my initials."

"Can I use my claws for extra length?"

"If that helps," she answered. "Oh, and last thing. I want to light some scented candles."

"Scented candles!?" Liam gasped and recoiled.

"Yes, just out of the way, maybe on a desk across the room or something."

Liam folded his arms and scowled. "That would kill the mood for me."

"But you can pick the fragrance."

"Not happening."

"And you won't reconsider?" Hayden frowned.

Liam's face softened. It wasn't her fault they were sexually incompatible. "I'm sorry. I just can't. I probably won't even be able to get it up with scented candles in the room."

"Dammit! I really wanted to do this." She sighed with disappointment, but then her face brightened. "Oh well, I guess when I get home I'll just put on some crotchless sweatpants and masturbate to 90s music videos."

Liam smiled and nodded. "As will I."

-000-

End Note: I hope you guys enjoyed this story and got a little chuckle out of it. Feedback is greatly appreciated!

If there's sufficient interest I may post more installments featuring other character pairings. I have an idea for a Scott/Stiles chapter in which they decide to take their friendship to the next level...but then discover they're both really not into it once it starts happening. I have a few other half-ideas swirling around my head and welcome prompts involving almost any combination of consenting characters. The main thing is that the focus for this series will be on lighthearted sexual misadventures with an emphasis on humor, not eroticism, romance, fluff, angst, or drama.