Disclaimer: I do not own Hogan's Heroes or profit from writing such stories.
Chapter 1: The Informer
Gut Abend, folks. My name's Felix and I'm a mouse. Yeah, I know. Go ahead and have your laugh. Done? Okay good. My parents either had a sense of humor, or they were just really cruel. Maybe we could mix it together and say they had a cruel sense of humor. Yes, that's it. I'm satisfied with that explanation. Are you? Good, I'm glad. Now that we have that out of the way I'll get right down to business.
I live in a prisoner-of-war camp. It's called Stalag 13. It's run by a German colonel named Klink. Actually come to think of it, it's actually run by the senior POW officer. His name is Colonel Robert E. Hogan. Such a distinguished name, isn't it? I have no idea what the E stands for. Maybe he did what my cousin, Karl, did. Karl just added the letter S to his name. He said it was sophisticated. Anyways, back to where I live. It's an okay place. I live in Barracks 2 with my human, Carter. Carter is a swell guy. He feeds me all sorts of nice things he has in his pockets. He also makes sure none of the other guys do anything to me. I like the other guys.
Kinch is pretty nice to me. Sometimes, when Carter is gone on a mission, he'll hold me in his hand and talk to me. LeBeau puts up with me because of Carter. He did get the dogs to stop bothering me. Newkirk says he doesn't like me, but sometimes he'll sneak me a piece of cheese from the officers' mess. Colonel Hogan doesn't care one way or another. He just told Carter to make sure I didn't distract him while he was making his bombs. I was indignant. As if!
I like my human. I don't know if I'd still be alive if it weren't for Carter. I remember the first time I saw him.
I was running through the woods trying to escape the guard dogs. They were supposed to be chasing an escaped prisoner, but they like the prisoners. I hate those dogs. Sure, you might be thinking, "Dogs don't have any interest in mice." But I'll tell you, they double as cats in the wartime. Anyways, I was running away when I came upon one of the men from where I lived. Olsen, I think his name is. He was with another guy. Olsen took off his jacket and gave it to the other guy. He ran off and the dogs started barking. That was when I realized I had gotten so interested in Olsen, I'd forgotten about the dogs. I was trapped. I had nowhere to hide. So I did the next best thing. I scrambled up the new guy's pants and hopped into his pocket. I liked it there. It was warm and soft and it had a few crumbs of bread in them.
I had just fallen asleep when I was rudely awakened by the human; Carter, I learned was his name, who threw the jacket on the floor. I was none too happy. I crawled out of my nice warm bed to see what was going on. My newly adopted human was being fitted for a suit. At least, it was supposed to be a suit. It would have made a better blanket. Well, I learned my human was going to be leaving soon. I couldn't let that happen. I had adopted him. He was my human!
I was going to talk to him, but I couldn't because of some guy named Wagner. Turned out the guy was German. Everyone was busy, so I didn't get to talk to Carter until later, when everyone was sleeping. I scrambled up his pants and sat on his shoulder. He woke up and took me in his hand. He started to stroke my fur. That was when I realized I really had to make sure he didn't leave. I started squeaking to him, and he seemed to understand. He nodded and talked back to me. He told me about himself and his life. I learned he liked to blow things up. That sparked an idea in my mind.
I ran and grabbed a grenade from one of the guards. It was really heavy, so I had to ask a few of my cousins for help. We placed it in the radio room. Then I pulled the pin from the grenade. Now before you start lecturing and saying that was dangerous, it was a dud. You think I would risk my human's life? Of course not.
In the morning, the radioman, Kinch, found it. He shouted, "Live grenade!" So my human ran over and started to disarm it. That was when he found out it was a dud. He told them exactly what he told me. They were impressed. I was so proud of my human. I was sure he was going to stay.
It wasn't until after he had already left that the other men told Colonel Hogan about Carter. So Colonel Hogan asked for Carter back. He got his demolitions expert, and I got my human. And that is how I found my very own human. All my other siblings have humans. It was time I got one, too. I even took on his last name. I call myself Felix Carter. None one else had a last name. They were all very envious. Soon all the mice had last names. I was so proud that I started something. But I am even prouder of my human. He has become a vital part of Colonel Hogan's team.
Even with all his busyness, he still has time for me. He talks to me and strokes my fur. He also made me my own box. He lined it with yarn and even put some food in there for me. Just in case I want a snack. I love my human. That sounds weird to all my family, but I can't help it. My human is the best human any mouse could ask for.
Until next time -
Felix Carter
If you have any episodes you want Felix's take on, feel free to tell me!