He never understood what I meant. I tried so hard to show him how I really felt, but I am terrible with expressing myself. I was being so stupid thinking that what I did was the right way to show him how I felt. It costed me everything that I ever had or wanted. Only if I had thought things through more throughly, maybe even of asked people how to do it.

Why? That question always pops up in my head whenever I think about him. Why did I do such horrid things to him? Why did I cause him so much pain and fear? Why was I too dumb enough to understand what I was doing would drive him away, not bring him closer? So many sleepless nights I laid staring at my dirty ceiling wondering if I was destined to be alone. I fell head over heels for my partner and being the freak I am messed up everything. Taken away from me after our boss found out I was 'endangering' him, I can't remember how long it was that I cried. Never have I cried that much, not when I was experimented on, not when I found out it was my dad harming me like that, not even when one of my own experiments had failed. It hurt so bad I couldn't help but punish myself for being the way I was. I hated myself and truthfully, I still do.

The day I was told he and I would not be allowed to see each other again, that he was being reassigned to a different, more suitable partner, I realized with agony I did just what my father had done to me. I experimented on him for many reasons, but the main one was just because I wanted him to be marked by me, so everyone would know he was mine. People never believed me when I told them I meant no harm, I cut a living person wide open, of course that would sound crazy to any normal being. Yet...it was how I was raised, my childhood was full of needles, strange liquids, and painfilled hours. The only difference was that I never did it while he was awake, I made sure he wouldn't feel a thing and yet still have scars that I, myself had made. Is it really that sad that it was my only way of expressing love? Those emotions, such feelings I've never felt before erupted every single second I was beside him when he called me his friend. He was my first friend, it was only natural I had a crush upon him...never did I think that crush would develop and last for nearly twenty years.

Over the five years that I didn't see nor hear from him I had done a lot to myself. It started with punching a mirror upon seeing my father's reflection and taking the broken fragments of glass to the left side of my face with my right hand. Then opening my own chest to see if my heart looked as bad as it felt. I made the saying 'bleeding heart' come true that day as I tried to cut my heart out, just to see if the pain of my memories would disappear. It did not. Then I sawed my right arm off, feeling as if the limb itself betrayed me for making such straight lines upon a helpless body. Those five lonely years made me more insane than I ever was before. I never left my lab, not even for food. Although, I could never forget the day after those long five years that I actually received a letter from him. I was completely in shock by what I read.

Our boss was allowing us to meet for a special occasion: my love's wedding. No one would have guessed it possible, but I cried even harder than the day he was taken away from me. In between tears and my shaking hand, I replied back saying I would love to meet the girl he was marrying and be his best man in their ceremony. He was marrying his new partner, a beautiful women in even a gay man's eyes. I saw the way he smiled softly at her and gently caress her flawless skin. Too many times did I have to excuse myself just so not to break down infront of them all.

I think the ceremonial kiss is what shook me the most. Such sweet passion I had never seen before enveloped them, I had to bite my tongue to concertate on the pain there instead of the searing agony I felt in my battered heart. Watching them leave together in such happiness made me realize I never even had a chance with him, even if I had expressed my feelings towards him more directly and honestly he probably would of just been more afraid of me.

Afterwards, during the party I was forced to stay for, I heard something that made my crazy side snap a little bit more inside. No one wanted someone as screwy in the head as I was at a joyful place like this. They hated that I was even invited to such a event being I was the reason the new husband was so paranoid. I snuck out of the party after about an hour when I saw my love sneak off with his wife. For days I just sat in my lab encased by darkness, thinking. For some reason that 'screwy in the head' insult kept repeating itself in my over thinking mind.

It took me all night, but I finally created something I thought might have been impossible. I stared into one of lab mirrors as a demented grin broke across my stitched face. A large screw was pierced through my very skull and brain, it going through the left side of my head and coming out of the right. Drilling the holes through my skull was the hard part, going through my brain made me go blind for awhile, but I didn't feel a thing. I couldn't help but laugh, a shrill laugh that echoed throughout my lab. No longer did I look so much like my father and no longer would that phrase get stuck in my head again. If they thought I was screwy then I was going to make myself be and that is exactly what I did.

The next couple of years were the hardest for me, though. Our boss decided I was more stable and could be allowed to at least spend some time with my old partner. I was a tad happy about it until I found out about his wife was pregnant with a baby girl. I could not help but hate and love that child, created by the man I considered my life, yet also created by the women I considered an enemy.

Watching her grown up I found it ironic she was the first to even see my true feelings. I had became a teacher to spend more time with my secret love and watch over his daughter who I had learned acted very much like he did in his younger days. A major book worm with a snarky attitude when she didn't get what or heard what she wanted as well as those same forest green eyes that I loved to let my sight linger upon. Even at the young age of eleven she knew I was excited when her parents got a divorce and how I was around her father more and more after it was finalized. It took her up until the age of fourteen before she figured out that I was, and always had been, in love with her idiotic father. How ironic is it that the man I wanted to be connected to so badly created the only person that could actually tell what my gestures and words actually meant?

She helped me by giving her father small hints and asking him questions. But I knew it wouldn't work and like usual, I was correct. I had overheard one of their conversations, they were talking about why he was scared of me. Such harsh words spat out of his mouth as he spoke what he really thought, explaining that he was only my friend because I had made him a death scythe and that she shouldn't put too much trust into me or she would most likely end up being strapped to a table and being cut open by yours truly.

I felt so empty and hollow inside, I still do as I write these words down. No one really cares about me or my life story, but just in case I wrote it down here...I think I can finally say it now, Maka, I think your lessons may have worked, even if your fail did not.

I Love You, Spirit...I always have, always will and I'm sorry for everything I ever did to you. Forgive me if you can.

Goodbye.

~FrAnKeN StEiN~

Spirit's whole body shook as he finished reading the letter, tears already pouring down his face. He hadn't meant to say those things for Stein to hear, he was just worried for his daughter, he didn't want to risk Stein going crazy while she was around. He trusted Stein with his life, he was his very best friend, his first friend...

He sobbed as he punched a wall, skin scraping off the knuckles right away before falling to his knees. Spirit held the letter to his chest, how was he supposed to know Stein loved him? All he did was tease him, threaten him, and dissected him for those years they were together.

Spirit could not even bring himself to look at Stein anymore as Shinigami was talking to others about what to do with the body. He had came over to Stein's after his tutoring session with a few students when he realized something was wrong. The door wasn't locked and none of his traps were up as well as the normal crows that stay there were long gone. It was too quiet when he walked in and called out for his old partner. Spirit found him with his left wrist carved into and his right hand gripping onto an empty vial. It was too much for Spirit as he went into another room and called Shinigami saying it looked like Stein had committed suicide as he tried to keep a straight face.

For the rest of his years, Spirit blamed himself and rarely talked at all, even to his beloved daughter...there just wasn't a reason to care anymore. He had killed his best friend before he could say he loved Stein, too, he was just scared like his partner was throughout all those years...