Maxie Jones stood in the cold graveyard as the snow fell lightly around her.
"You're the reason I'm alive, BJ," Maxie told her cousin's gravestone. She could still remember the giggling little girl with long brown hair who loved ballet, who was her best friend. She didn't know at the same time she was sick in the hospital that BJ had been killed by a drunk driver. She didn't know at the time the doctors were operating on her they were giving her BJ's heart. She will never forget the conversation with her mother and Kevin when she found out BJ was dead. The moment she lost her innocence, a moment that changed the path of her life forever.
"It isn't fair that I'm alive and you're dead. My life isn't worth having lost you." She placed a single red rose on BJ's grave and stood up, briefly placing her hand on her chest, to feel BJ's heart beat. No time to loiter, she thought bitterly, there are three other graves to visit.
Maxie ran the chain of the bracelet between her fingers as she kneeled beside Cooper Barrett's grave. She didn't wear the bracelet anymore; she had stored it safely in her jewelry box months ago. She thought it was only right that she brought it here today. She smiled sadly as she examined the heart charm. If he'd lived, what would Coop have possibly given her this Valentine's Day to top such a perfect gift? Would they have even still been together, or would she have messed things up like she usually did?
"Coop, I still miss you," she whispered, leaving a rose and moving on.
The events of the past few days had been horrible, and she was finally getting the opportunity to do her yearly Valentine's Day tradition. Emma was going to be okay; she was out of the hospital and had returned home to Robin and Patrick. Spinelli was going to be released this afternoon, thankfully. He had suffered only minor injuries, but they had kept him for two days at Mercy to treat him for smoke inhalation. She was lucky; not only had Johnny gotten her out of the burning hospital, but Jason and Sam had gotten Spinelli out as well, with Jax airlifting them to safety. She couldn't take it if she'd had five graves to visit today. Especially not if the person she had to bury was Spinelli.
She thought about the horrible mistake she had almost made with Johnny. Honestly, she wasn't too concerned with hurting Lulu. Lulu was going to get hurt anyway once whatever secret Johnny was keeping came out. Even though they had sort-of become friends over the last year, Lulu was the last thing on Maxie's mind when she almost slept with Johnny. All she could think about was Spinelli. Would it have been the one thing she could do that he couldn't forgive? She didn't know for sure. All she knew is that she would push until she found that line eventually, and she would destroy him like she destroyed everyone else she loved. She lived in dread for that day.
But again, as she walked over to Jesse's grave, she wondered how she could go on without Spinelli in her life. She remembered how she ended up crashing into Johnny Zacchara in the first place. She'd seen Spinelli with that freak FBI agent Winifred, and was stunned by how much the sight had hurt her. Isn't that why she was speeding down an icy road? She realized as she laid the rose on the marble tombstone that Spinelli had the capability to hurt her just as much as she could hurt him. Was that whole incident with Johnny really about protecting Spinelli, or was it a way to shut herself off from Spinelli before she got hurt again? She was tired of being hurt. She was tired of losing the people she loved.
She sighed, and dusted the snow from the tombstone. "Jesse, we were just getting started. We never went to that concert in Chicago, we never had the chance we deserved."
Jesse was her first love, losing him had sent her into a downward spiral from which she never thought she'd recover. As she stood there she let herself remember: the carnival, the plans they made to go to Chicago, Jesse getting shot. Jesse having surgery, then her conversation with Monica about being an organ donor…
Suddenly she heard Georgie's voice as a distant memory, "Sometimes love happens that way. One day you have no idea someone exists and then the next you can't remember life without them."
"Oh, Georgie," Maxie whispered, fighting back tears. "Spinelli's right, you were so wise. I never listened to you or took your advice, but you never stopped loving me even when I screwed everything up. I miss you so much."
As she placed the last rose, she dusted the snow off her knees and walked away. She gave one last look back at the final resting place of four people she loved, again, so thankful that no one else she loved had been added to the graveyard.
* * *
Maxie left Robin's and Patrick's house feeling much better than she had when she left the graveyard. Little Emma was doing so much better and was smiling and cooing happily in her mother's arms. Robin seemed happier than she had been in months, and Patrick seemed considerably more at ease, even if the crisis at the hospital had taken its toll on him. Matt was staying with them while he recovered from his injuries from the toxin, and with General Hospital in ruin, they all had an unexpected vacation from work. Maxie avoided any confrontations with the Conceited One, and was uncharacteristically nice to him. She figured he's family, after all, she could stand to tolerate him better. Emma was still clutching the bear Maxie had brought for her when she said her good-byes.
With all of her errands finished, she freshened up her make-up in the rental car and headed for Mercy Hospital to bring Spinelli home. A large bag sat in the back seat, containing new clothes, as well as barbeque chips, orange soda, and a red rose.
Maxie knocked on Spinelli's hospital room door and entered to find him still in a hospital gown in bed, but with Agent Winifred the Freak sitting in a chair next to the bed ogling him. She swallowed down the venom she would normally spew at Winifred, and channeled some of Georgie's wisdom instead.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she said coolly, staring Winifred down while walking to the other side of the bed. Without waiting for a response, she turned warmly to Spinelli and gently asked, "How are you feeling?"
"The Jackal is… better," he rasped almost inaudibly, still unable to speak much.
"The Jackal still has not regained the full use of his vocal chords, however, the medical experts have opined that he shall make a complete recovery within days," explained Winifred.
"But that won't prevent him from going home this afternoon," Sam said, appearing in the door. Maxie was relieved that Sam and Jason were there. Hopefully Winifred the Freak would take a hint and get out.
"Maxie, Sam and I have some business to take care of, would you mind taking Spinelli home and making sure he continues to rest?" Jason pushed a wheelchair into the room. "He's been discharged, the doctors say he can leave whenever he's ready."
"Of course. I'll take very good care of him," she brushed a strand of brown hair out of Spinelli's eyes and smiled at him.
"We're going to take off then. I'll call you tomorrow to check in, Maxie," Sam waved good-bye as she and Jason ducked out into the hallway. "Take care, Spinelli."
"See you tomorrow, Spinelli," Jason nodded. Spinelli nodded and waved in return.
"I should take leave as well. The Priestess bids the Jackal a fond farewell and hopes he has a relaxing evening," Winifred said, looking up at Maxie coldly.
"That's great, good-bye," Maxie smiled, waving at her.
"Farewell, Brave Jackal. I shall see you again soon," Winifred smiled, kissing him on the cheek. Spinelli looked up at Maxie in time to see her flush bright red.
Maxie kept quiet until Winifred left and then unloaded the bag she brought in.
"Here, Spinelli, I brought you a change of clothes, and I also have a snack to hold you over until dinner," she pulled out the chips and orange soda to his delight.
"Most appreciative, Maximista," he rasped.
"And Happy Valentine's Day, Spinelli," she smiled, pulling out the rose.
He returned her smile, and kissed her on the cheek. He held her hand and touched the heart charm on her bracelet. He searched her face for an indication of her feelings, and asked, "How is Fair Maximista?" He didn't ask the more direct question, which was "How is Maxie dealing with all of her loss at this time?"
"I'm fine, Spinelli. I was at the cemetery earlier today, remembering the people I've lost. I could even hear Georgie's voice, remembering her having told me something really wise a few years ago. But I'm here now, with the people I still have. I'm very grateful for that. I'm very grateful for you," she smiled. "C'mon, let's get you home so I can take care of you. We have a holiday to celebrate."
* * *
"You sit here and drink your orange soda, and I'm going to go pour you a bath," Maxie headed to her bathroom. She had set out an assortment of girly candles and had even downloaded some Mozart onto her iPod. She hoped Spinelli didn't mind orange scented bubble bath, but she hoped that would make him smell less like a barbeque pit. She figured the orange would be acceptable and remind him of the "nectar of the gods."
She helped him into the bathroom even though he insisted he was fine, the only thing wrong with him was his voice. She left him to undress and get into the tub, while she brought up a tray of orange soda.
"Maximista, you don't have to bestow such luxurious treatment upon the Jackal," Spinelli protested, giving the orange bubbles a sniff. "Although I do enjoy the scent."
"Nonsense, Spinelli, it's my job to take care of you, and you definitely need a good scrub after being through that fire. We've definitely got to get the residue out of your hair, so there's no lasting damage. So, you just relax, and enjoy some Mozart and orange soda, and I'll be back in a little while to shampoo your hair. I'm going to go see about dinner."
Maxie had called in an order for dinner from the Metrocourt. They normally didn't do take-out, but she asked Carly and Jax for a favor for Spinelli's homecoming. They were grateful for his bravery in the hospital crisis, and even had one of the waiters deliver the meal and provide an elegant table setting. As elegant as it gets in the dingy apartment she shared with Lulu and Johnny, that is. She wondered where those two would be anyway. Hopefully not bringing their drama back to the apartment. Spinelli didn't need that kind of stress. Neither did she, for that matter.
She returned to the bathroom with a variety of hair products. She made him sit up in the tub after dunking his head in the water, and she began to wash his hair. As she massaged his scalp, having added a mix of product, she finally took notice that the bubbles had begun dissipating. She cleared her throat and averted her eyes, deciding her participation in bath time was probably not the best idea she'd ever had.
"Okay, Spinelli, let's rinse that out," she turned on the hot water faucet and added some more bubble bath to the water. She used the showerhead to rinse out his hair, then added some conditioner.
"Might the Jackal inquire as to what most feminine concoction Fair Maximista is using in his hair?" his face scrunched up in displeasure at the smell.
"It's just a mixture of product to take the residue from the fire out of your hair. I used it on my hair yesterday. I promise once I rinse it out, you won't smell girly," she smiled, massaging his scalp again.
"I suppose I do enjoy the application of the girly concoction," he closed his eyes, smiling.
"All right, Spinelli, we're going to leave that on for five minutes. Now, I'm going to give you a facial treatment," Maxie pulled out a container of mud mask.
"Maximista, I must protest, the Jackal surely does not require further feminine beauty treatments," he sat up in the tub again.
"No, no, no, it's not girly at all, I promise. It's just going to remove all that soot and grime from the fire. Trust me, okay? Now close your eyes, and stop talking so much. You need to rest your voice."
Maxie had said the magic words. How could he not trust her? She swiftly completed her beauty treatment, rinsed him off, and indeed, his hair and skin were free of all the residue of the fire without smelling particularly girly.
Afterwards, she lathered him up with shaving cream and shaved off the stubble of the past couple days. She was struck suddenly by the intimacy of this act. She cleared her throat again.
"Okay, Spinelli, go ahead and finish up in the bath. Here, you can use my loofah. Towels are there on the counter, and I have another set of clothes for you in this duffle bag. Dinner will be here in fifteen minutes."
Maxie let the waiter in from the Metrocourt and helped him set up. It looked really elegant and romantic. Like a real Valentine's Day dinner. If things were different, she thought, if I wasn't so screwed up, this would be a real romantic evening. She shook off the thoughts of Spinelli in the bathtub before she did something stupid.
Spinelli emerged from the bathroom, dressed in the new clothes she had gotten for him. One of the perks of her job was being able to take her pick of clothes after a photo shoot. She had grabbed some casual dress items, which were still worth more than she made in a month working as Kate's first assistant. They weren't Spinelli's usual style, but not so drastic she thought he would object. He looked, incredible, she thought. His hair was still wet and he hadn't buttoned the shirt yet.
"Here, let me," she smiled up at him, deftly buttoning his shirt. Again, she was struck by how much she liked taking care of him, doing these things for him. She missed having a man in her life, particularly in her bed. Not since Coop had she felt she deserved that. She reminded herself that she didn't deserve it at all, and she definitely didn't deserve a man as incredible as Spinelli. She quickly finished buttoning his shirt and led him to the table.
"Maximista, this is a wonderful feast. You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble." He held out the chair for her, then took his seat.
"Oh, Spinelli, it wasn't that much trouble. I called Jax and Carly and they were more than happy to send one of the waiters over to deliver the food. We set this up while you were finishing your bath. I just wanted your homecoming to be special, and, and, I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am that you're okay," she stammered, not wanting all of her feelings to come falling out of her mouth. She couldn't do that to him.
"The Jackal is most grateful to be alive to share a bountiful meal with Fair Maximista," he took her hand and in the other raised his wine glass. "Here, a toast, to our good fortune and good health."
She smiled at him and raised her glass to his, "Cheers."
They finished the meal, and the waiter returned from the Metrocourt to retrieve the dining trays. They had just settled into the couch to share a bowl of ice cream and watch an old detective movie, when they heard voices arguing outside the door. Great, Maxie groaned. It's Drama Queen Lulu and Johnny, here to spoil their peaceful evening.
"How do you think I'm going to react after you tell me that? And with my roommate of all people? Get your stuff and get the hell out!" Lulu screamed, bursting through the door. Maxie groaned audibly. Oh no, he told her already!
"Lulu, please, can you take this elsewhere, Spinelli is supposed to be resting. He's still recovering," she pleaded with her, appealing to her affection for Spinelli that she wouldn't have this out right now.
"You slut, you want to stand there and pretend you're concerned for Spinelli's well-being? If you gave a damn about Spinelli, you wouldn't have tried to sleep with Johnny while Spinelli was risking his life trying to save everyone trapped in the hospital!"
"Lulu, get a clue. Johnny was trying to push you away for your own good, and sleeping with me was the one thing that would do the trick. But ultimately, even though it was his brilliant idea, he couldn't even go through with it because he loves you too much to hurt you, even for your own good."
"Wait, are you saying that the Reformed One propositioned Maximista in order to achieve the nefarious goal of breaking up with the Original Blond One?" Spinelli, interjected, visibly upset.
"Something like that, yeah," Johnny admitted, obviously ashamed at himself.
"You bastard," Spinelli threw a punch that hit Johnny square in the jaw.
"Damnit, Spinelli!" Johnny grabbed his jaw in pain, "That hurt!"
"That was the point!" Spinelli lunged at him again, but this time Johnny was quicker and avoided the blow.
"Spinelli!" Maxie exclaimed, grabbing Spinelli by the arm, trying to hold him away from Johnny. "It wasn't all his fault. He just wanted to push Lulu away for her own good, and I…" she paused, fighting back tears.
"The Jackal cannot conceive how Fair Maximista would let herself be used by the Devious One in such a manner." She couldn't stand to see the hurt in his eyes and had to look away.
"Spinelli, I'm not the good person you think I am. I'm selfish and I hurt people. You don't deserve that. And that's why I was going to sleep with Johnny, because then you would see who I really am, and then I couldn't destroy you. But Johnny couldn't go through with it, and honestly, I didn't want to either. Maybe I have more self-respect than I thought, or maybe I'm just so selfish that I couldn't even push you away when I should." She turned to Lulu and continued, "Lulu, I'm sorry, I didn't do it to hurt you and I hope in time you can forgive me."
She wasn't used to apologizing for her mistakes, and Lulu was taken aback. She didn't respond and just went into her bedroom and closed the door.
"Johnny, I think you should leave," Maxie said softly. "I'm sorry for my part in what happened. I'm forever grateful to you for helping Robin and Emma, and for getting me out of the hospital. You saved my life, and Robin's and Emma's, and I'll never forget that."
"No, Maxie, I'm the one who's sorry. And you don't owe me anything. Just, tell Lulu I'm sorry. I didn't want it to end like this, I just wanted to protect her. And I'm sorry, Spinelli. I didn't want to see you get hurt either," Johnny turned and walked out the door.
"Spinelli, I…" Maxie stopped, not even knowing what to say.
"Maxie, don't," he stopped her, turning away from her.
"This is it, isn't it?" Maxie felt the tears begin to fall down her face. "I finally did the one thing you can't forgive. Well, it's for the best. I'd rather see you walk out on me now than visit your grave next Valentine's Day along with Jesse and Coop. Or see you end up addicted to pills, or destroy you in some new and creative way I haven't discovered yet. Spinelli, my love is more poisonous than that toxin at the hospital. And now you know that, and you can leave me before it's too late."
"Your love?" he repeated, staring at her, dumbfounded. "Are you saying you love me?"
She gasped, covering her mouth with one hand, not realizing she had admitted to him what she hadn't even admitted to herself.
"Maximista, is that true?" he stepped closer to her and lifted her head up to look at him.
She nodded, unable to speak.
"The Jackal shall leave Maximista to her private shame at her undesired feelings." He turned, and before she could even respond, he walked out the door.
* * *
"Maxie? I can't believe I'm about to ask you this, but are you okay?" Lulu knocked on her door then entered.
"Yeah, Lulu, I'm fine. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"Maxie, I know. I was in my room, furious with you, and I just… I started thinking about Georgie, and how she forgave me for what happened with Dillon, and… look, I just wanted to say that I don't hate you, and I'm not going to swear revenge on you or anything. I'm furious with you, but I know you weren't doing it to hurt me, and you actually didn't sleep with Johnny, which is, you know, really unusual for you."
"Thanks," she scowled at Lulu, and then sighed. "I guess I deserve that and a lot more. Thanks for not hating me. Georgie was a really good person, and she would have wanted us to get along. Look, Lulu. For what it's worth, Johnny really does love you. He just wants to protect you."
"From what? He left his family so we could be together and not be caught up in the mob violence."
"I dunno, Lulu, he said something about how you didn't really know him and all the horrible things he's done, and how you could never forgive him if you knew all his big secrets."
"What could he have possibly done that I couldn't forgive?"
"Besides trying to sleep with me?" Maxie rolled her eyes and then shrugged. "I dunno, he was the Mob Prince remember? It probably has to do with giving people cement boots and breaking kneecaps and all that."
Lulu sighed, suddenly weary of the subject matter and the possibilities. "So, what happened with you and Spinelli?"
"I'm an idiot and let it slip out that I'm in love with him, and he walked out the door completely mortified at the very idea. He'll probably never speak to me again, which is just as well since then I won't have the opportunity to complete destroy him."
"Wait, you're in love with Spinelli?" Lulu exclaimed.
"What, is that so hard to believe? He's wonderful." Maxie responded, defensively.
"No, no, I mean, I know Spinelli's wonderful, but you've insisted all along that you're just friends and you could never be with him."
"And I can't, Lulu. I love him too much to be with him. Georgie loved him too. She could never forgive me if I destroyed him. And neither could I."
"Maxie, what makes you so sure that you would destroy him? Other than trying to sleep with my boyfriend?"
Maxie sighed. "Jesse, Lucky, Coop, Logan. I don't exactly have a great track record."
"Jesse died because someone shot him while he was on duty. Coop died because Diego Alcazar was a psychopath and killed both him and Georgie, among a few other innocent people. Logan was just as much my mess as he was yours, and if I can let go of the guilt, so can you. As for Lucky, I know I blamed you for that completely, but Lucky made his own bad choices too. Besides, I think you've changed since then. I think Spinelli's had a lot to do with that. If you love him, can you really live without him? What if he starts dating someone else? Like that FBI agent? Can you live with that?"
She felt sick to her stomach at the thought of Spinelli with another woman. Any woman, but particularly Winifred the Freak. She shook her head.
"Then, Maxie, stop trying to wreck your life and start living it. And stop trying to wreck my life too. Next time my boyfriend wants to push me away, try not to make out with him."
Maxie sighed, grabbed her coat, and left the apartment.
* * *
"I thought I'd find you here," Maxie said quietly, hoping she didn't startle Spinelli.
"Maximista is a fine detective indeed," he stared at the water, not turning to face her.
"Spinelli, I'm sorry for making out with Johnny and for trying to push you away. I was just scared."
"Scared of what? Of me?" he asked miserably, certain she was ashamed she felt any sort of affection for a geek like him.
"Scared of losing you. Scared of hurting you the way I hurt everyone else I love. But most of all, scared of being hurt by you. When you leave me, when you realize I'm not worth your time, I don't think I can handle it," her voice broke, finally having voiced her fears. With that he turned to look at her with such tenderness she found herself holding her breath. He walked to her, and placed his hands lightly on her shoulders.
"The Jackal could never come to such a realization because such a notion is but a falsehood. Do you not know in what high esteem the Jackal holds his Fair Maximista?"
"I know, but…" she began but she shushed her with a finger to her lips.
"Maxie, I will never leave you and I would rather die than ever hurt you. You can trust me. I love you," he removed his fingers from her lips and looked deeply into her pale blue eyes, rimmed with tears.
She looked stunned, and he took the opportunity to press his lips lightly to hers. After a brief moment, she opened her mouth to him, deepening the kiss. He ran one hand through her tousled blond hair, and with his other arm, pulled her closer to him. When he finally broke the kiss, he began nuzzling her neck, placing light kisses onto her skin. "I love you, Maxie Jones."
"Damian Spinelli, I love you too." She looked up at him, the most vulnerable she had ever felt. She felt lightheaded from the rush of emotions.
Spinelli pulled away. "The Jackal is most honored to have the love of his Fair Maximista. But we've been here before, only to be later faced with regret and false pretenses. I don't want another beautiful memory tarnished with such remorse."
"Spinelli, I don't have an agenda this time. I know I don't deserve your trust or your devotion, but I'm being honest when I tell you that I'm in love with you. I can't promise I won't hurt you, and I can't promise that I won't wreck your life. And if you want to walk away from me right now, I won't blame you. But I can't keep lying to you, or to myself. I slept with you to keep you away from Winifred. That was wrong, I know. But I wanted to keep you away from Winifred because I couldn't stand the thought of you being with another woman. I couldn't bear it. And instead of being honest and telling you how I felt, I manipulated you. I was jealous. I'm still jealous. I got into that stupid car accident with Johnny because I was upset and driving erratically. I saw you talking to Winifred at the Metrocourt, and it just… it just really hurt me. That's why I got drunk and made out with Johnny. That's how I work, Spinelli. I get hurt and then I act out and ruin everything. That's why I will destroy you, and I… I just couldn't stand it if I…" she trailed off, her voice breaking.
He held her by the shoulders again, keeping her gaze. "Maximista could never destroy the Jackal with such devotion. I regret that my association with the Priestess causes you pain and drove you into the arms of the Reformed One. The Jackal understands the feelings of jealousy well. The mere thought of you engaged in carnal pursuits with the Reformed Mob Prince…"
"I'm so sorry," Maxie started, feeling her eyes fill with tears once again.
"Maximista, my jealousy only serves as evidence of my love for you," he drew her into his arms, kissing her again, this time harder, with more intensity. When he pulled away, she was flushed with desire.
"Spinelli, let's go home. You're supposed to be in bed," she smiled up at him, drawing him closer.
"The Jackal does not believe he will get a great deal of restful slumber in the bed of his Fair Maximista," he teased, taking her hand and leading her away from the docks.
She looked up at him and gave him her most seductive smile. "The Jackal is correct."