Little Red Riding Kyle was walking through the forest thinking about guys.
He was on his way to visit his grandma who was a little black boy named Token. Get over it.
But then a Big Bad Wolf who was a hilarious woman named Janet walked into the house and said "I have a large VAGINA" and traded places with grandma.
When Little Red Riding Kyle got to the house with his basket filled with gluten-free organic treats he saw the Big Bad Wolf who was now dressed as Kyle's grandma.
The Big Bad Wolf said "I want to have sex with lots of guys!" Because Kyle is a stupid Jew he barely noticed that his grandma was not in fact a little black boy named Token.
Little Red Riding Kyle said "What a deep voice you have!" The Big Bad Wolf said "Better to tell hilarious jokes with!"
Little Red Riding Kyle said "What big eyes you have!" The Big Bad Wolf said "Better to see how large my VAGINA is with!"
Little Red Riding Kyle said "What big hands you have!" The Big Bad Wolf said "Better to gesture towards my fat body with!"
Little Red Riding Kyle said "What a big mouth you have!" The Big Bad Wolf said "Better to eliminate all men with!"
The Big Bad Wolf lunged towards Little Red Riding Kyle who jumped back in terror. Poor Little Red Riding Kyle was entirely defenceless.
Just then a stranger who was a socio-economically disadvantaged redneck boy named Kenny burst through the door holding a baseball bat with nails hammered into it.
"I'm suffering from systematic inequalities that keep me below the poverty line!" He said and drove his bat into the Big Bad Wolf who it turns out had been using her upper middle class privilege to keep down others in the forest.
Blood splattered everywhere and Little Red Riding Kyle was saved! "What can I do to repay you?" Little Red Riding Kyle said.
The redneck boy smiled and took a few steps toward Little Red Riding Kyle. He said "An hour of your time in grandma's bed oughtta cover it."
And so Little Red Riding Kyle and Kenny the redneck boy pushed the Big Bad Wolf's body off the bed. They began taking off each other's clothes and…
"Why the hell are you reading that crap, Ken?"
Kyle's voice, tinged with annoyance, sharpened with irritation, interrupts his reading, abruptly halts his imagined narration, in the voice of the story's author and illustrator.
Aimed for an audience of kindergarteners, Kenny heard Cartman mention something about his involvement in the tale, snapping at him as he typed up the official version in some variant of a Lucida font. Once he completed the little book, making lines with a ballpoint pen and colouring in figures with a Crayola 64 pack, Kenny managed to grab hold of the one and only copy, slipping it from Cartman's backpack while he angrily scrubbed the vagina-balls off his face, grumbling how he shouldn't have used a Sharpie and how he forgot girls keep their balls on the inside. Kenny merely rolled his eyes, and braced himself for what would obviously be a drivel of moronic stupidity.
Idiocy? Kenny expected. Softcore porn? Not exactly.
Kenny glances from the storybook, tearing his eyes away from the shakily drawn bed, from the unevenly crosshatched walls, from the discarded costumes and cartoonish figures representing him and Kyle. He blinks away the disproportionate faces, the sloppily drawn kissing, the half-assed censoring blanket, and looks into the glowering green eyes of his boyfriend.
Kyle's head tilts up as he stares, refusing to let his eyes flit down and see the book's nonsense, content with the portion he heard before. The curls peaking from the sides of his hat frame his face, more effective than some Grimm Brothers cape, his expression devoid of amusement. He doesn't repeat himself, lips remaining in a sure frown, knowing Kenny heard his question, loud and clear.
A smile spreads on Kenny's face, an uneven and lopsided smirk. He slides a finger between the pages as he shuts the book, saving his place. He leisurely drawls, "Y'know, I pegged orange more your colour. Red only works for your hair."
He shuts his eyes, lets out a groan. Kyle raises his hands, reaching for the cardboard cover, "Give me that."
With height as his advantage, Kenny lifts the book up, high over his head, well out of Kyle's reach. Kyle steps forward, leaning against him, with an arm outstretched upwards, groping just beyond his grasp. Kenny, in a singsong voice, "Ah, ah, ah; I still got a couple pages. Wait your turn."
"That thing," Kyle stands on his tip-toes, still struggling, never giving in. He bites the inside of his cheek, then spits out, "Belongs in the fuckin' trash."
"Ya sure?" Kenny rises onto his toes, his movement casual, action childish, "'S a real page-turner."
Fed up with nicer tactics, Kyle jumps up, in more desperate attempt, to rectify what he should've done the moment he saw Cartman walking around with that stupid little book. But Kenny evades him, his arm ducking down, dodging Kyle's hands. He wraps an arm around his waist, pressing the back cover against Kyle's spine. His other hand grabs the other side, turning the storybook into a neat clasp, locking him in Kenny's hold; and banging their mouths together.
Kenny inhales Kyle's sigh of aggravation, swallows the angry huff with upturned lips. He feels the tension melt, the charged emotions mellow in the kiss, Kyle soothed by Kenny's touch. The kiss only lasts a moment—they never last long enough, Kenny thinks, always too short—before Kyle eases down, flattening his feet. He looks up at Kenny again, the same gloss to his eyes, but shades of red tint his cheeks.
A subtle blush, one Kenny knows the process of well: first his ears redden, darkening slowly, the rouge stealthily infecting the rest of his face, until his complexion matches his hair. Every time he sees it, causes it, Kenny can't help but smile, "Ah, so that's why you're Lil' Red."
A breath through the nose, then Kyle mutters in exhale, "Shut up, jackass."
"But it's been a while since you've been riding."
"And I can change that at any time."
"Really now?"
"Yuh-up."
Kenny tongues over his lips, taps one finger on the book's cover, "So, 'f I tossed this in the trash right now, how much higher would my chances of gettin' that be?"
"Astronomically higher."
Without another word, Kenny looks to the large trash bin and tosses the book. The pages flutter as it flies through the air, making a loud thud as it hits the rim of the trash can. It bounces, once, before plummeting into the black plastic abyss. He hears it hit the bottom, then looks back at Kyle, his eyebrows raised.
Kyle, with a laugh, replies to Kenny with a wide grin.
…and Little Red Riding Kyle and the redneck boy named Kenny fucked happily ever after.
The End.
(Until Little Red Riding Kyle got AIDS from Kenny and died.)
A/N: So I've been extremely swamped with school, and so I haven't really had a lot of time to invest in my other projects. This however I wrote in about three hours because I was so happy about Little Red Riding Kyle, and I hope that you at least got a kick out of it and enjoyed it. Till next time!