Insecurities
By: RavenHeart101
Disclaimer- I'm not JK Rowling am I? Nor am I LeAnn Rimes… or I would not be on here. All I own is the poem at the beginning.
Summery: Remus is insecure and Sirius helps him feel better about himself.
WARNINGS- SLASH AND SOME SWEARING!
I'm not beautiful…
I'm not perfect…
I'm not anything special…
I'm a bit arrogant
I'm a bit superficial…
I'm a bit neurotic…
I always act professional…
I'm everything you never wanted…
I'm everything you will never need…
I'm everything you say you love…
And I know I will always bleed.
"I know what makes me comfortable
And I know what makes me tick
And I when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day, and pray to God
I won't make the same mistakes…"
He did not know what else to do. It was so hard to please everyone all at once. That is why he needed to get away. That is why he ran. That is why he always ran. His haven was the Library. He knew Madam Pince would not mind if he went in that late. He knew that no one would follow him there.
His insecurities were written across his face. That is the way it always was. He was not good looking. No, he was scrawny, he was pale and his hair was horrid. He was not perfect like Sirius or James. He had so many imperfections. Sometimes he let things slip; sometimes he would talk to fast. Sometimes he would speak in French to much. Sometimes he would embarrass himself by tripping. He would always do the work assigned, and work himself raw. He would always be polite and talk himself out of trouble. He would never complain and he would never cry in front of anyone but his mirror.
Ever since Sirius and him had gotten together, nothing had been the same. He was too jumpy, and his heart rate would increase the moment Sirius came near him. His work started to decline and he started to daydream even more. All he could think about was Sirius and it was scary. He knew what the feelings he was having were, he just did not want to have them. He wished he could go back to the days of being silent and playing pretend.
"All the rest is out of my hands…"
Remus was tired of running away. Remus was tired of fighting. Most of all, Remus was tired of living. Remus had had enough of the foolish and cruel games life and love kept on throwing at him. It was all a big circle. He would lose something that he cared about and than have it ripped out of his grasp in less than a second. Than he would gain, something and the same thing would happen again. Remus was not about to risk that happening with Sirius.
He stopped running halfway to the library. He stopped trying the moment he stepped off the seventh floor. He dropped down to the ground in a helpless heap. And with a silent sob, his barriers broke.
"I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can…"
He was worried. Just plain worried. He knew what would happen to Remus if he was out there all on his own. No, he did not know why he ran, but he always did. This time Sirius went after him. He followed him until his faithful stop. He followed him up until he collapsed onto the ground in the middle of the fifth floor.
He ran over to his collapsed friend, concerned and angry. Angry at himself. At the world. At everything and everybody. Remus was far too nice to have to deal with any of this. He was far too nice to have to feel anything like this. Believe it or not, Sirius understood. He understood what his younger friend was feeling. He understood how hard it was to pretend that you were perfect. James did too, Peter maybe not as much but he tried.
He wrapped his arms around the shaking teen and let him cry into his shoulder. He felt his white shirt get wetter and wetter with each horrifying sob. Remus' grip on him was as if he was about to die. "Shh… it's okay Rem. It's alright." He whispered gently into the werewolf's ear as he stroked his tawny hair gently. He slowly began to feel his own eyes tear up. Soon he himself was crying, silently. For the sadness that his love was feeling, for all the scars that he knew he could never mend.
"Yeah I don't know my father
Or my mother well enough
It seems like every time we talk
We can't get passed the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world
Then it is to please myself…"
The teenager continued to cry his heart out. Until he realized who he was holding onto. He pulled away quickly, resulting in the two of them tumbling down onto the ground. Remus' back was pressed against the cold grey granite and Sirius' toned chest pressed against his own not as toned one. Sirius pressed his hand against Remus' wet and clammy cheek, and he was just about to kiss the younger boy when he pulled away.
Remus pulled himself out from under Sirius and crossed his arms, waiting as the dark haired teen stood up. "What's wrong?" Sirius asked truly concerned. His grey eyes sparkled from the tears he had shed.
He wanted to say Nothing is wrong, why? However, "I'm nothing you need." Came out instead. Sirius was surprised and he just stood there for a minuet or two, mulling things over. Nothing he needs… he is everything he needs.
"You're everything I need, Remus."
Remus' eyes began to prickle again, and he wiped at the furiously. He was not going to cry over some stupid line. "That's bullshit and you know it." It came out harsher than intended, but he did not try to apologize. Instead, he crossed his arms and walked over to the window that over looked the school grounds. It was late December and snow covered every inch of the grounds. Sirius shook his head and stood behind the werewolf, placing his hands on his shoulders.
"I didn't know you could swear." He joked without any attempt. Remus glared at the sky and roughly threw off Sirius' hands. Sirius' face darkened. "What's wrong?" He asked forcefully.
"Nothing's wrong." The tawny haired boy answered quietly.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked again.
"Nothing's wrong."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You can tell me."
"Nothing's wrong, Sirius."
"Yes, something is. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong."
"Stop lying to me and just tell me the truth."
"I am telling you the truth!" His voice was beginning to rise.
"No you're not."
"Yes I am!" His voice continued to rise.
"Remus, just tell me what's wrong."
"NOTHING is wrong!"
"Than why are you yelling?" When he received no response, Sirius continued. He placed his arms around Remus's waist. "I wish you'd just tell me what was wrong." Remus sighed angrily.
"Why can't you just leave it?" He asked angrily. Although Sirius could tell that, there was a hint of desperateness in there. He did not answer; he just stood the way he was. His arms around the slender waist and his hands clasped in front. Remus sighed again.
"Do you know what it's like to have to act like nothing's wrong when you hate everything about yourself?" He asked never moving his gaze from the iced over lake. His voice was quiet, but he knew Sirius could hear every word. "I was taught that- that what I was… that it was bad – that it was evil." He laughed bitterly. "You know, the first day I ever saw the train my father told me never to make friends. He said that it was too dangerous. He said that I would hurt someone more than I could ever hurt myself."
He paused and wiped away another tear that had begun trickling down his face. Sirius tightened his grip on the boy's waist. "I can never be as good as you or James. I can never be as handsome or as perfect as you."
"All the rest is out of my hands…"
"Remus." Sirius whispered, distressed.
"No. You know it's true." Remus turned around to look Sirius in the eyes. "These scars…" He gestured at the scar that ran down his neck. "They're there for a reason. They're there to tell me… to tell me that no matter what happens I will never be good enough. You know why? Because I'm a monster."
"You are no monster."
"I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can…"
He laughed bitterly. "Than what am I? Hmm? An animal? No, wait, I think I have it. Human?" Sirius began to agree. "No. Don't say anything. I'm not human, and you know it. How you could love a monster like me is beyond my comprehension."
"I can love you for many reasons, Remus."
"Like what?"
"For one, you're the nicest person- yes I did just say person- on the planet that I have ever met." Remus snorted. "That's not very attractive, you know? Any way, you may not be handsome but you are beautiful." His hand trailed down Remus' face.
"Well I know I can't care about how everyone else really feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal…"
"Each and every scar tells a story. They do not say that you will never be good enough. Their memories of the beautiful animal you become once a month. I love each and every imperfection."
"Why?" Remus asked his voice coming out in a choked sob. Sirius smiled down at him gently.
"Because everyone has imperfections. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone is afraid of things and everyone has a monster within." Remus had begun to cry. "I mean look at James. His hair looks like a whole Quittich Match had gone on the top of his head." The shorter teen chuckled a little. "Imperfections just prove to people that you're not perfect."
"There's nothing good about me." Remus tried once more.
"You're kidding right?" Remus shook his head slowly. "You're beautiful. You are kind. You are smart. You're someone I can trust. Your eyes remind me of my favorite season, autumn. Your laugh is music to my ears. Just being with you makes my whole day look up. You are clever and you are very sly. You have courage to do something every month that most people would die from. You are honest and you're the best friend I could ever have." He leaned down and kissed the shorter boy on the nose. "That's why I love you. That is how I do love you."
"I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change…"
Remus let himself fall into the comforting embrace. His own arms went around Sirius' back to his shoulders. He gripped them with all his might and allowed himself to cry once more. He did not want to move… he did not think he could if he tried.
Sirius buried his face into the tawny hair, pulling the boy closer. He let him cry, he let him let go of every bad thought, of every moment when he underestimated himself. He smiled into the hair that tickled his nose and gazed out into the sky. Just than a shooting star flew by, lighting up the sky. Sirius looked down at the boy in his arms and made his silent wish. Remus looked up at him. "Thank you." He whispered before leaning up and kissing his lips gently. Sirius looked back up at the sky when Remus had buried his face back into his shoulder. He made his wish once more…
"I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can."
I wish I will be all he will ever need. He already was.
A: N- Hi all! This story came out more depressing than I was aiming for… Oh well. I hope you all like it! Please review. --Raven--