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Monty Python Trigun Theater
Various drabbles, one shots, and silly fun taking place at various points in Trigun…in the style of Monty Python.
(For maximum effectiveness, imagine all the Trigun characters have thick British accents... heeee)
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Chapter 1: "Dead"
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The light in the sky was dimming as the twin suns of Gunsmoke were getting lower in the sky. An orange glow was cast upon a high cliff leaving stiff shadows on the figure of a man poking another man with a pointy stick.
"Poke."
"Poke."
The man did not move. It was possibly because he had a rather large amount of red stuff leaking from his head… or that he had just been napping on a rather large tomato that went squish.
"Are you alive, Legato?" Knives asked with agitation, giving Legato another good poke in the leg.
No answer.
Knives poked him harder, "Cause if your faking you really need to clean up this mess!"
Knives tapped his foot angrily and pointed to the red stuff, "You are bleeding all over my planet! You're messing up what will become my precious Eden!"
Still no answer.
The wind blowed a bit.
A tumbleweed rolled by.
"You know," Knives began as he stared at his minion, "the least that brother of mine could have done is cleaned up this mess." Knives kicked Legato a bit.
"At least they could have covered you up with dirt…or rocks, or small pieces of wood…or something." The Plant crossed his arms and tapped his foot in aggravation.
Two tumbleweeds rolled past.
"I sure as HELL ain't touching him." Knives leaned over a tad and peered at Legato's creepy happy smile. "I don't want to get human cooties."
A tumbleweed rolled by and got stuck in Legato's hair.
"Oh that's just GREAT!" Knives grumbled sarcastically, and wandered around to the other side to inspect the hairy tumbleweed blue entangled mess.
"Huh, what's this?" Knives peered at Legato's left arm that was really Vash's missing arm.
"Ugh." Knives shook his head. "I can't believe my brother is that much of an idiot. I basically gift wrap his arm by sending Legato on a suicide mission and Vash doesn't even have the sense to get his arm back after blowing Legato's brains out. I mean, surely he wants it back! I kept it warm for him all these years attached to my top minion like any good brother would. I mean, I would want MY arm back if MY brother shot MY arm off! Ugh!…Vash is such a scatter brain…can't even keep up with his own limbs…"
He was about to walk off when suddenly, a strange voice was heard in the distance.
Knives turned to see in curiosity.
A mysterious hooded figure came walking out of nowhere from the desert, pushing a cart.
"Bring out your dead…" The hooded figured droned, "Bring out your dead…"
Knives raised an eyebrow, and glanced at this human with a cart that was coming closer.
"Hmmm…" Knives pondered.
"Bring out your dead…"
"How, convenient." Knives rubbed his chin, and tossed away his pointy stick, which flew over and whacked Legato clear across the face.
"Bring out your—"
Knives jumped and waved his arms, "Over here! Here's one!"
The cart, holding one corpse already, came to a stop next to Legato.
"Here's a deceased for ya, take him away." Knives said.
"Are you sure that one's dead?" The man asked, as he placed Legato on the cart, "I thought I just saw him twitch a bit."
"Nope, he's as dead as a can of spam!" Knives quipped, rubbing his hands together.
"But, I'm…not dead." Came a hoarse voice from Legato.
Knives' eyes widened.
The hooded man pointed at Knives, "The bloke's not dead you idiot."
Knives fumed, "YES he IS! Look, he's dead! Deceased! No more! Passed on! Kicked the bucket! Bit the dust! Bought the farm!"
"…I'm getting better." Legato chimed in hopefully.
"No your not!" Knives put his hands on his hips and stared Legato down.
"I'm better, really…" Legato whined.
Knives grunted and tapped his foot angrily, "What's THAT then?"
"What?" Legato asked obliviously.
"THAT!" Knives pointed furiously at the blood pouring from his head.
Legato rolled his eyes around abit trying to look and see what Knives was talking about.
"…I don't see anything." Legato stated.
"Legato," Knives waved his arms about, "you have a HUGE gaping HOLE in your head!"
"No I don't." Legato said nonchalantly.
"Yes. You do." Knives lowered his voice.
"I do not." Legato argued.
"Well," Knives paced back and forth, his eye twitched, "How do explain THAT?"
"Explain…what?" Legato asked.
"That huge red pool where you were just a moment ago and all that red stuff gushing forth from your shiny blue hair and spilling onto the dirt, your clothes, the cart…it probably flew on Vash as well."
"Oh?" Legato said.
"Yeah, what do you call that?" Knives retorted.
"Erm…ketchup." Legato said looking off in another direction.
"KETCHUP?" Knives exclaimed in disbelief.
"…I was having a bit of a snack." He said sheepishly.
"A BIT of a SNACK?" Knives fumed.
"It was just a hotdog…"
"A hotdog?" Knives growled, "A hotdog! What were you doing having a hotdog up on a cliff when you were supposed to be eternally and painfully suffering Vash the Stampede!"
"But…I was hungry," Legato whined, "And I really like wieners!"
Knives glared at him, "I bet you do…"
The hooded figure with the cart blinked, "Can I go now?"
"ARgh!" Knives sighed, "Why couldn't I have had a proper minion that did specific evil things according to my specific evil biddings instead of going down to the corner shop every five minutes and stuffing his pie hole with various confections that begin with the word 'hot' and end in the word 'dog'?"
"Um…Mastah?" Legato tried to interject.
"But, nnnnoooooOOO," Knives complained, "That's not all is it! Not only does my top evil minion that is supposed to watch over all the other lesser evil minions sneak off on a regular basis to gorge on hot dogs, but he also sneaks off to cafés and movie theaters to nibble on corn dogs, hot dogs on a stick, cinema hot dogs, and foot longs; ice cream, pie, cake, and ding dongs; whipped cream, and chocolate thongs; twinkies and cinnabuns; Nestle, Hershey, his stomachs a bloody black hole!"
The man with the cart blinked again, "Can I go now? …I got dead to pick up, corpses to drop off, deceased to transport, I need to pass off the passed on…"
"Sure, sure" Knives nodded, waving his hand, "Away with you…"
The man with the cart turned, and began to roll Legato away.
"Hey!" Legato complained.
"Oye, wait eh!" The cart man exclaimed, "I can't take 'im like this, he ain't dead yet."
Knives grunted in annoyance and located a piece of dry wood…
"SMACK!"
…and gave Legato a good whack.
"Is that better then?" Knives smirked.
The human with the cart gave Legato a few pokes. Nothing happened, no twitches, complaints, nor stray bits of flatulence.
"I guess he's adequately dead," the man shrugged, as he went back to push his cart.
"Yep, he's really oh so surely dead." Knives said, nodding.
"Well…Mmkay," the hooded man mumbled as he pushed his cart back into the desert from which he came.
The man looked upon Legato and smiled, "My, my, blue hair then? That oughta fetch a pretty penny on eBay…as well as that TV antennae attached to the shoulder there."
Knives was far away in the distance, whistling as he went, on his way back to his evil layer of evilness…plus his happy wine filled tree garden complete with lawn furniture.
"I'm glad that's over then," Knives thought to himself.
And then, from off in the distance came, "…I said I was getting better! I'll…I'll come to life in a moment, …really, I promise! …no really! …no…no, what's that? …what?…no…no, not the stick again! …not the—"
"SMACK!"
Knives smirked, "And that was that."
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End.
(…of that particular tale)
What will happen in the next spontaneous tale of silliness?
Find out in the next chapter!
Review! Review please, tell me if you love me, hate me, or tolerate me!
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(Alternate ending)
Off in the distance:
The hooded figure looked at the corpse of Legato, "I guess he's really dead then."
The hooded figure smiled evilly, "Not for LONG!"
"Whoosh, Sparkles, Special Effects"
The human pulled off the hood to reveal, "GASP!" a fangirl!
"HAhahahahah!" she cried out, whipping out a magical-fanfiction-fairy-wand, "Live, LIVE!"
She cackled and spun around many times, waving magical fairy dust upon the very dead Legato.
"Huh?" Legato awoke confused.
"Hi! I love you!" the fangirl professed in a screeching voice while making kissy noises and holding up papers with outlines of all the fanfictions she would write where this inexplicably alive Legato would hook up multiple times with her Mary Sue character.
Legato's eyes went wide, "HELP! Mastah! Where's that piece of dry wood, I need a single concentrated blow to the head, STAT!"
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Review! Please!
Disclaimer: I guess people still do these disclaimers. Basically I own nothing. Neither Trigun nor Monty Python. It's just for fun.
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