sunday september 18th
9:30
in my bed of pain
Oh triple poo. And also merde. Why would anyone sane be up at such an hour on a Sunday? I haven't the slightest idea.
9:31
It's because of the fisticuffs at dawn fandango yesterday. Ever since then I have been on my miserable bed of pain.
9:32
And my rack of lurrvve. I thought I had finally left the cake shop with my one and only Italian Cakey (and perhaps a little nibbley of my Dave the Tart), but now it seems I don't have either a cake or a tart.
9:33
Except me of course. I'm quite a tart, buying more than one tasty treat at the same time.
9:34
Oh lovely. I sound just like Jazzy. She must have rubbed her voleousity off on me. (Oo-er!)
1 minute later
It really wasn't my fault. Dave was the one who made me dance with him in front of Masimo. I was very much forced.
1 second later
He was also the one who stole me away in the woods and pushed me into a river.
Masimo doesn't know about that, but still. It was all Dave.
1 second later
He is also always forcing me to snog him. It's vair annoying.
1 second later
And told me he loved me.
1 minute later
Which, by the way, neither the Sex or Lurrve God has told me.
1 minute later
Actually, I'm quite certain that no one has ever said that to me.
1 minute later
Minus Libby. She lobes her Gingey very much.
1 second later
But she also puts makeup on cats, so there you go.
1 minute later
It's possible the elderly loons have said it before, but I tend to tune out their loony ramblings.
1 second later
And considering the way they treat me, I would find it vair, vair hard to believe.
10:00
my kitchen
Do you see? No food anywhere. I'll most likely starve.
10:01
Burnt toast it is.
10:07
Enjoying my oh-so-delectable meal when the phone rang. As payback to my unloving parents, I refused to answer.
1 minute later
By some miracle, Libby has answered it.
"Hewwooooo?"
This is scary. She is standing in front of me, smiling like the loon that she is.
"Yes. Gingey is here." I jumped out of my seat.
"Give me the phone, Libby!"
She jumped away and threw Baby Jesus at me.
She yelled, "No! Bad boy!"
I'm not even sure if she was talking to me.
"No, damn it! Gingey is in boboland!"
I said, "I am not, Bibs! I'm awake! Give me the phone!"
"Okay mister, that's naaiiicce. Gingey will like that. Bye bye, sir." And she slammed the phone down.
I yelled, "Who was that?"
"Nobody, bad boy."
"What did he say?" She smiled like even more of a loon.
She said, "It's a secret, you will likee."
"Libby, I-"
"Shut up, you bloody arsehead!"
She wacked me in the head with scuba doll barbie and ran off before I could say anything else. What in the name of Slim's diet is wrong with that child?
1 minute later
Big G, I am sorry for being bad. But please tell me that wasn't Dave?
1 second later
Oh dear God!
What if it was Masimo?
1 minute later
It could have been any of the ace gang, really. They are sirs and misters in my dear sister's mind.
1 minute later
Please, Big G, not Masimo!
5 minutes later
Oh bugger! Just called all of the Ace Gang, it wasn't them.
1 second later
Except maybe Ellen. Her answer was something along the lines of, "Er.. well... why, I mean, why would I... you know, call... er...you," for about ten centuries. So I kindly hung up before she really answered.
11:30
dressed and made up
Wearing very un-sex goddess clothes, jeans and a t-shirt. Hair is natural. Makeup is... actually, I'm not wearing makeup. Today is a day of misery and pain. Just in case of tears, I steered away from makeup.
1 minute later
I am also locking my tartiness up. And my red bottomosity as well. Forever.
1 second later
For today. I can't stop cold turkey. My lips would go into relapse and I would always be running around puckering.
1 second later
My lips would be very nearly the size of my conk! God Lor- er, Buddha!
1 minute later
Doorbell... who on earth would be here on such a day of pain? I shall ignore it.
1 second later
After this morning's phone incident, I think it's safer to get it myself. Probably Ellen come round to finish babbling at me. Hahahaha.
2 minutes later
Definitely not Ellen.
"Hey there, Sex Kitty! Did ya miss your hornmeister?"
I stared at him, doing my best impression of Goldy the goldfish in goldfish land. Shut up brain, shut up!
"What are you doing here?" I said this all full of sophistication and whats-it.
"Didn't your darling sister tell you I was coming round?" I groaned.
"She most certainly did not!"
He laughed as he pushed past me and into my house.
1 second later
Dear Buddha, fank you vair, vair much for that phone person being Dave, and not some sort of Lurrve God. I will now be a buddhist forever and-
I felt warm air blowing on my face, so I opened my eyes. Dave was standing a centimeter in front of me, breathing heavily.
"Praying to Big G, huh? Thanking him for my gorgey presence, no doubt."
"Buddha, actually. I've been a Buddhist for years."
"Oh, so you've been thanking Buddha for my amazing body."
I snorted. It was vair attractive and posh. "No, just thanking him that it was you on the phone earlier, not Masimo. I'd feel a bit bad if my sister was the reason he was afraid of all Shakespeare-a-gogo land."
He smiled in that bizarre way of his. "Ahhh yes, that would be unfortunate if he thought all of us were as loony as Libby. He might go a little crazy if he thought he was surrounded by a bunch of loons."
I said, "He might even whip out his handbag." It was one of those things that you say because you specifically told yourself not to. Dave just raised an eyebrow, smirking. "I... I didn't..."
"You finally admit it!" He ran around the room like a gazelle.. running around in a room.
2:00
on my bed of... not pain.
with dave. (oo-er!)
Dave is such a laugh! We have just been talking in my room for hours. He has given me several laugh attacks to end all laugh attacks. We've discussed everything from the brand of Masimo's handbag, to Ellen's parents, to transvestites in Hamburger-a-gogo land.
1 second later
And not a smidgen of red bottomosity! Not a snog or anything tarty in sight!
1 minute later
Oh dear! My lips have started puckering up on their own. I have no control at all! I hope Mr. Biscuit doesn't notice.
1 second later
Bugger. I think he has.
1 second later
He has leaned in slightly. What did I do to deserve this? His hand is stroking my hair lightly. It's giving me the major horrrrnnn.
1 second later
But... Masimo is my one... and only...
1 second later
Forget Masimo!
1 second later
The phone rang. Oh, that bloody thing. The Elders will get it.
"You should probably get that," Dave said all quiet-like.
"My parents can." My parents? Dear Lord, I must have gone jelliod! I leaned in. Our lips were so close that I-
"Georgia!" The door banged open and Mutti bounded in.
We both jumped apart like two jumping things. (Me and Dave, not my Mutti, just to clear up for the vair dim.)
"Er... sorry. It's the Ital- er... Masimo." I jumped up and grabbed the phone.
"Ciao Masimo!"
"Ciao, cara. You are well?"
"Er... quite, you?"
He said, "I called to talk about the er... fisticuff?"
"Oh...er." I have such a way with words. It is no wonder I am always getting forced into snogging people.
"I'm sorry, I, how you say... overreacted."
"Er... right. That's okay."
Dave started singing some odd song about being lost in a forest with a book. Vair loudly. I walked out of my room to not be distracted.
1 minute later
I can still hear his awful voice.
1 second later
Actually, it's not so awful. It's rather nice. He's gotten all soft and... oh. It gives me the horn...
Bad horn! No! I am such a tart! I can't go around horning over one boy while another, my one and only, is on the phone.
1 second later
The Great Vole from within speaks again.
1 minute later
Dave won't stop singing.
"Don't get offended if I seem absentminded,
just keep telling me facts, just keep making me smile."
He has hopped up and is prancing around the room. This must be some interpretive dance. Masimo is rambling on about... er... I haven't paid the slightest bit of attention.
1 second later
He's rambling on about Pizza-a-gogo land.
"Oh cara, I would love you to come to see Italy with me."
"Er... right. I don't think that will happen. My Mutti and Vatti are awfully strict about... life."
"I see..." he said. He did not see at all.
"I'll pay for you, anytime," Dave sang while winking at me.
Is he calling me a prozzie? I glared at him like a glaring thing.
Masimo said, "I will miss you again."
"You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness," Dave yelled, falling to the floor.
What fresh hell?
"...Miss me?"
"Si, I will be going back home."
What what?
"But.. you just got here! When?"
"Baby, you've got to be more discerning,
I've never known what's good for me." Dave has stopped dancing around and yelling and is just staring at me like a staring thing in- shut up!
"I go back in a few weeks."
"Baby, you've got to be more demanding,
I will be yours."
"This is okay, Cara?"
I said, "Yeah... er, no. Actually it's not." What?
"What are you holding out for?
What's always in the way?
Dave looks quite un-laughish now. Poo.
"I understand. It must be hard for you to be with the one who is always away when the other love is, uh... staring you in the face?"
"What? Er... I don't..."
"Why so damn absentminded?
Why so scared of romance?"
"Uh.." I cleared my throat, "Yeah, yeah it is."
I heard him sigh. "This is the end, then?"
I paused. No! You can't dump a Lurrve God! Nononono!
"This modern love... breaks me.
This modern love... wastes me," Dave whispered while looking at the floor.
"Yes," I said confidently.
"We can still be mates?"
"Of course! Happy matey mates!"
Dave is so quiet now that I can't hear him.
"Well then, I will miss you. As a mate."
"Right. I'll miss you too."
We said goodbye. When I walked into my room, Dave's head popped up and he was smiling like a loon. The loon that he is.
"So how are things with the homosexual?" I sat on my bed and looked away from him.
I muttered, "Not..." He raised an eyebrow.
"Not?"
"Not," I repeated. He hesitated.
"So... you're no longer official snogging partners?"
"Non."
"He broke up with you?"
"...Not so much." He sat next to me.
"Sex Kitty... am I hearing you correctly? You dumped a Lurrve God?"
"Oui."
"Non!"
"Oui!"
"What on earth would you do that for?"
"What if I'm meant to be with someone but my red bottom keeps messing it up?" I blurted. He smiled sadly.
"He takes care of sheep. I'm sure Robbie would take you back in a heart beat." I looked away, turning red.
"Suppose it's... not Robbie?" He raised an eybrow.
"God lord, it's Mark Gob?" I punched him lightly. He smiled.
He said, "Well, who is it then?"
Go away, red face! I'm not in blushville!
"Well... he is quite gorgey. And vair nice and marvy at footie. And also, quite a laugh." I like to think that I was very discreet there. That is what I like to think.
Dave was smiling insanely now. Even more insanely than Libby. "And ever since I've met him neither of us have been able to control the call of the horn, no matter who our official snogging partner is, so maybe, perhaps our red bottoms know more than we do?" I finished in a rush.
Good lord. If he smiles anymore his mouth will surely fall off his face. I was just going to tell him that, but I only got to, "If yo-" before he quite literally snogged the lips off of me.
1 minute later
Ngghhhhh...
1 minute later
Oh fabby fab! 6 ¾!
1 minute later
Oh yummy scrumboes! Neck nuzzling!
We really should add it to the scale.
1 minute later
He pulled away and I could hear my lips screaming, "No, come back!" He smiled.
"So, my lovely kittykat, would you do me the honor of becoming my official Sex Kitty and snogging partner?
I said, "Oui." Then we both smiled like loons. A full nose across the face smile.
1 second later
An uncovered face! Dear lord of all things holy, Dave isn't allowed to see my face au-natural! I jumped up and covered my face with my hands. Dave just stared at me. I could feel him staring at me like a staring thing.
"Kittykat... um... vas ist le problema?"
"My face is ugly and au-natural! Why didn't you say something?" I heard him sigh.
"Kittykat, you look lovely au-naturally. All that makeup you wear just makes you look like a tart. No offense." I pulled my hands away slowly and stared at him.
He stared back.
I raised my eyebrows. He raised his higher.
I said, "You're mad."
He said, "You're mad."
Before I could could say something clever back to him, he kissed me again. I pushed him away immediately. Almost immediately. As soon as I could get my lips to obey. He gave me a look.
"Dave. Do you see my nose? It is roughly the size of a volcano erupting."
He nodded and said, "Yes." I flicked his head.
"And my mouth only makes it look bigger. And my hair, it looks like it has been groomed by Angus. And-"
"My dear, dear Georgia. I agree with everything you have just said," He interrupted. I glared at him. "But you still look like the Queen herself."
"Dave. The queen is the same age as a dinosaur. That is not even nearly a compliment."
"Hmmm... yes, but that is what I like best about her."
"Dave! You are making as much sense as a rock."
He paused for a moment.
"Do you know why Tom and Jas are so happy together? Because they enjoy looking at newts, and eating organic vegetables, and he doesn't care that she has a room full of creepy owls, and she thinks it's cute when he rambles on about facts. And do you know why Sven and Rosie are going to be happily married? Because they are very nearly actual vikings, and they enjoy wearing furry pants and mad dancing and she doesn't mind that he's from Reindeer-a-gogo land, and it doesn't bother them that they can't understand anything the other says."
Where is he going with this?
"If I were only in lo- interested in you because you of how you looked, I could just as well be dating Wet Lindsey. I have only ever seen her looking as fabby as she can look. But you, I have seen with no makeup, tossed into rivers and bushes whilst camping, in a viking helmet while mad dancing, after crying for hours, and dressed as a man. But I would still pick you over her every time, and you seem to have picked me. Now, why do you think that is?"
I thought about it for a moment.
"Because... I'm your Sex Kitty and you're my hornmeister. Because you understand me when I'm speaking gibberish and making up words and making no sense. I don't mind when you ruin a nice moment by doing something stupid like wearing a clown nose, and you don't mind that I would go to a party as a giant olive. I don't mind when you're a rude pig, and you haven't run in horror from my family. We understand each other best when we're being complete loons," I said before I could tell my brain to stop.
He looked at my in shock. "Heavens no! I was just going to say that you have lovely nunga-nungas."
I smacked him across the head, but he just smiled goofily at me.
1 minute later
Dave has started mad dancing in my room. It doesn't seem to bother him that he has to jump over piles of Libby's toys to do so. There is also no music, which makes this whole thing very odd.
1 minute later
He keeps giving me looks and telling me to come dance with him. I just stared at him. I am much too sophisticated for that.
1 minute later
I finally got up and joined him, because I felt a little bad for the loon. That is just the kind of person I am.
1 minute later
We found some gum in my room, so we started doing a bit of the snot disco inferno. In the middle of our lovely dancing, he turned and looked at me. He was still twisting about and shaking his head around a little as he said, "And this is why I picked you."
I smiled at him with the gum hanging off of my face.
1 minute later
Wait, was he talking about my nunga-nungas again?
The lyrics are in italics. The song is This Modern Love by Bloc Party.
I know this is a bit cheesy, but oh well.