A Gentleman And His Jeans.
//
"These - pants - are - too - tight!" Kevin ground out with a great amount of difficulty as he was finally able to pull on the jeans the Stellavator had generated for him. Normally he loved skinnies. The tighter they were the better. But maybe, just maybe his skinny obsession had gone too far.
These jeans were too doggone tight! He experimentally tried to stretch his legs sideways after pulling them on and tried to sort of do a split to test his flexibility but before he could even get one fourth of the way to the split, he keeled over from the effort it took to do the one-fourth split. Thankfully he landed face-first on the soft plush carpeting and not the hard floor. But something hard poked his lips and his tongue shot out to taste it.
Yuck!
"Joe, why is there chewed chewing gum on the carpet?" Kevin shouted, desperately trying to sit up but being actively hindered by the too tight pants.
Joe strolled into the bedroom, munching on an apple and looking very much not bothered by Kevin's distress over having tasted Joe's chewed up chewing gum which had been on the carpet for god only knows how long.
"What are you doing on the floor?" Joe asked through a mouthful of apple, small bits of which were being sprayed on the carpet. Kevin began to scramble again. This carpet was a serious health hazard! Thanks to Joe, he was sure there would be days old molded crumbs of what had once been a very sprightly chocolate cookie or a healthy green apple.
This time he was able to sit up fast enough because the thought of lying on moldy food wasn't a very nice thought.
"Chew with your mouth closed and don't spray," Kevin snapped tersely, annoyed by the stupid jeans which were beginning to chafe in a very tender reason. He had to take off this thing before he lost the circulation in his lower limbs and with it also his ability to walk and erm, do other important stuff which even thinking about it made him blush profusely.
Joe just shrugged and took another bite of his apple and crunched decidedly on it, spraying some more apple bits on the carpet and down the front of his shirt. How rude of Kevin. He always chewed with his mouth closed.
//
Kevin stalked to the bathroom and gargled his mouth with a large amount of Listerine. The taste of days old Joe's chewed chewing gum had to go. It just had too. The thought of him having tasted that vile gum was making his stomach churn in not a very good way.
Only after gargling for a prolonged period of time with a quantity of Listerine which could only be described as in excess did Kevin stop. After doing a breath check by breathing on his hands and smelling them and feeling satisfied that his mouth smelt sufficiently like menthol, Kevin concentrated on his next problem.
The stupid jeans!
He tugged and contorted his legs whichever way he could in order to facilitate the easy removal of them but the jeans refuse to come off. It was almost as if they had become his second skin and Kevin was not happy with that. He had been told that one needed to be comfortable in whichever skin they were. And he was definitely not comfortable in these tight jeans. He would have preferred a pair of soft flannel pajamas. At least they were easier to take off.
Kevin sighed and put down the toilet lid in order to sit down. However the dastardly jeans wouldn't even let him do that. He had to awkwardly and slowly let him self down and that of course ended in him losing his balance and landing all angles on the floor.
Kevin sighed heavily from the floor.
At least the floor was cleaner than the carpet thanks to Nick's obsessive cleanliness craze. He would drop a line or two about the carpet to Nick. He was sure Nick had his vacuum and duster cloth, hiding somewhere, just ready to be whipped out for something like this.
Meanwhile, he needed to call Stella. There was no way he could get out of these jeans himself and Joe would be of no use because he would only look at Kevin and laugh the whole time.
He briefly contemplated cutting himself out of the jeans. He then imagined Stella going berserk and doing something vicious and revenge propelled to him and decided that maybe that wasn't such a good idea. For his own safety, he had to stay on Stella's good side.
He picked himself up with some difficulty, cursed—with some difficulty cause he wasn't the cursing kind of guy—about the impracticality of skinny jeans and hobbled out of the bathroom. He went back to the dressing room to find Joe there, now eating a cookie instead of an apple and still judiciously spraying the carpet with cookie crumbs so as to assure it that he didn't discriminate when spraying food crumbs.
Kevin feeling a tad bit put out by his current predicament, picked up Joe bodily and deposited him outside the bedroom while very peremptorily shutting the door on him. He left behind a very disgruntled Joe.
Couldn't a man eat a cookie in peace nowadays without having to deal with irate brothers in skinny jeans?
Apparently not.
Seriously. How rude.
//
After very handily getting ride of Joe and feeling immensely satisfied by doing so, Kevin lowered himself on a big poufy armchair and called up Stella. However there was no answer and after a couple hundred of rings—at least it felt that way to Kevin, the call went to voicemail.
"Hi, this is Stella. I cannot be reached now because I'm in the middle of a fashion emergency but leave a message with your name and I'll call you back. And Joe, losing Mr. Huggles does not count as a fashion emergency."
"Stells, I need your help. I'm smack dab in the middle of a big fashion emergency. And if you don't come soon, I may have to undertake drastic measures to get rid of the emergency. And those measures just might involve scissors and a pair of Calvin Klein jeans. So please call back soon."
There that sounded desperate enough. He could almost hear Stella's heels clacking up the stairs soon as she rushed to help him. She loved Calvin Klein's as much as she claimed not to love Joe. Which just so you know was quite a lot.
His phone beeped soon enough and Kevin picked it up and eagerly checked his messages. Yay! She was coming to rescue him from these evil jeans. And as soon as she came, he would be able to go do his favourite thing which was go stalk Macy in the park. Without her knowledge that is. She was slowly getting over the fan craziness thing but from time to time there was a relapse and if she found out that he came to the park on Sunday's to watch her playing with little kids, it just might send her over the deep end. And Kevin didn't want that to happen. Not when they had been making so much progress.
As of now he could sit and have a conversation with Macy without her freaking out, excessively that is. She mostly babbled to get over her nervousness and she did so with a big smile on her face all the time but Kevin didn't mind. He rather enjoyed sitting with her and listening to her talk about everything under the sun in her slightly high pitched and breathless voice, tinged with happiness.
Aaaahhhhhhh!
Macy!
She would be at the park in another half and hour and if Stella didn't get here in time he wouldn't be able to get into position behind the Magnolia bushes and watch her. He quickly read the message which he had been supposed to read before he had gone off on his Macy tangent.
"Calvin Kleins' be damned. Saks' is having a half price sale and sorry Kev, half price owns any day over Calvin Kleins'. Will bring you back something sweet as an apology."
This was a disaster. This could not be happening.
He had to go see Macy. Because today he had a date with destiny. Today he was going to carefully segue himself into Macy's routine with the kids and then take her out to ice-cream. And from that somehow wrangle another sort-of kind of date because he was sneaky like that.
Clearly all of that was not going to happen.
This was a travesty of justice. Kevin thought as he lifted himself off the armchair and threw himself onto his bed in a fit of petulance.
What was this, six degrees of aggravation? Annoy Kevin immensely day? Evil-second-skin-not-coming-off-jeans day?
Either way, he hated it so far.
//
Sometime later Kevin heard a knock on the door.
"Go away," he shouted, still feeling very put out by just about everything in general, from Joe and his eating habits to the unfairness of fate.
"It's me Kevin," Macy's hesitant voice came floating back.
Kevin fell off his bed in surprise. Wow, he was going to be very sore by the end of today, what with all the falling down that had been happening. Macy was here! What was he going to do? Wait, she was here. Oh he was so happy!
Wait, he was still wearing the devil jeans!
Kevin had never ever felt such a mass of conflicting emotions. He wanted to throw open the door and greet Macy in a suave and collected manner but another part of him wanted to hide the lower half of his body so she didn't have to see him in these jeans.
Damn his obsession.
"Kevin, open the door," Macy said, her voice taking on a soft persuasive tone. Kevin felt himself melting. She was so…dreamy and amazing.
He flung open the door and promptly fell at her feet.
"Kevin! Are you okay, are you hurt?" Macy cried out at once, her voice a mixture of concern and worry.
"I've gotten used to it," Kevin said weakly as he got up with some difficulty.
"Stella said you had an emergency so I came straight here. You are not hurt are you?" Macy asked, her eyes going over him quickly to check for any injuries.
"But what about your kids?" Kevin said dejected, feeling bad that Macy gave up her only sports free afternoon to come and check on him.
"My kids will deal. As a JONAS super fan, how am I supposed to supervise little kids when a member of JONAS has an emergency?" Macy asked in horror as if they very thought of anything else being more important that JONAS was utter sacrilege.
"That's really nice of you Macy but it's nothing you can fix," Kevin said earnestly, feeling a little more dejected. Just when he thought he had been making progress as Kevin Lucas and not Kevin of JONAS, he found out he reverted right back to where he did not want to be.
Really this day was beginning to look absolutely horrid.
"Even as a friend?" Macy asked, her face falling and Kevin felt himself perking up. As a friend, she could definitely help. He did not want her to think of him as any kind of pervert though. He was the gentlemanly brother—at least Macy had once said so, despite Nick's vehement protests and he kind of liked that tag. Especially the way Macy's eyes lit up in adoration and admiration, every time he opened a door for her or walked her to class.
"I would love for you to help as a friend. But it might be a little too embarrassing." Kevin said flushing deeply.
"You are talking to the person who dressed up a poor defenseless guy as Nick of JONAS. I think we passed embarrassing, actually downright creepy a long time ago." Macy said with a certain amount of dryness. But even the sarcasm didn't cover the embarrassing blush that painted her cheeks. That hadn't been one of the highest points of her young teenage life.
Kevin prudently didn't comment on that. That had definitely been creepy and a little heartbreaking. If she had dressed Randolph as him, he still would have been creeped out but he would have also been extremely flattered.
"Fine. You can help. But you must promise not to laugh." Kevin said hurriedly looking around to see if Joe was eavesdropping. He didn't need to Joe to know of his awful predicament too because then Joe would rib him about it all day long and then still bring up the topic at awkward times like at interviews and fan meetings and all. He definitely didn't need all that publicity.
"I promise."
"Pinky promise," Kevin said, holding out his pinky and looking at Macy with all the seriousness in the word. Macy linked her pinky with his equally seriously and tugged on it, sealing the promise. Kevin smiled. This was one of the reasons Kevin liked Macy. She knew the value of pinky promises and treated them with all the seriousness that they deserved. A girl after his own heart.
"So what's the emergency?" Macy asked brightly.
"See, uhm…my…these jeans…they are very nice," Kevin said suddenly realizing the inappropriateness of the situation. If he told Macy that he needed help to get off these too tight pants, then wouldn't that make him some sort of pervert because she would think which grown teenage rock star would need help getting off his pants?
Oh my goodness it sounded like it was a line from a porno movie. Not that he had ever seen one—except that one time when he, Nick and Joe had opened their fan mail and found a rather graphic fan comic which their father had quickly confiscated.
But still, he didn't want to sound like a porn star! That would be simply tragic because then Macy would think of him as the weird creepy brother. Porno Jonas would be his new name and then everything would be shot to hell include his budding career, his parents would go bat-shit crazy on his behind and most of all, the progress he had been making with Macy would be all lost.
"Your jeans' being nice is the emergency?" Macy asked confused, looking at him as if he had gone crazy. Well, he had
"You know what, it doesn't matter Macy. I can fix this." Kevin hurriedly said and shut the door on her. He liked Macy. He liked liked her in that way and he wasn't about to spoil it by soliciting her help to take off his admittedly too tight pants which were kind of cutting off the circulation where it mattered the most. Wait, even that sounded like a porno line.
"But Kevin…," Macy called out, her voice sounding hurt and small. Kevin steeled his heart though. He could make up this bit of douchebaggery to Macy later on but if he told her about the whole tight pants removal thing, he'd never be able to live it down.
Okay, he was using the scissors. If Stella shose to go beserk on him, he would show her the text. Calvin Kleins' be damned indeed. There were more pressing problems to deal with. For instance there was a confused girl waiting outside and a lower torso which was rapidly losing feeling.
He quickly rifled around for a pair of scissors and upon finding one, he carefully set about cutting himself about the jeans. It was a time consuming procedure seeing as he could actually cut himself if he wasn't careful enough but he somehow managed to cut the jeans off him without causing himself any major injury. He did have many small cuts to show for it though. No matter how careful you were, scissors were always sharp.
Feeling pretty mad at the jeans and the Stellavator and Stella in general, he made sure he retrieved a pair of shorts from the Stellavator. No more pants for him. Not unless he had to necessarily wear them. For the next few days he was living in shorts to give his lower torso some much deserved fresh air and breathing space.
Chucking the jeans under the bed, he quickly opened the door hoping that Macy hadn't gone anywhere. He found her sitting on the landing and he sent up a quick thanks to the Big Man above. Except when he came near her, he noticed that Macy was staring ahead forlornly, her face having been streaked with tears.
"What's wrong Macy?" Kevin asked, running to her at once. It was all his fault he realized with a silent groan. Why couldn't things go right for him just this once?
"Oh nothing…" Macy said quickly, wiping away tears which were beginning to fall once again and smiling a watery smile.
"I am sorry for shutting the door on you Macy. But seriously, I didn't want you to think that I was being a pervert because then my name would be Porno Kevin of JONAS and I don't want you to think of me like that because I am not like that. And I really really like you so I shut the door on you." Kevin said, slightly out of breath and convinced that he mad no sense whatsoever.
"That didn't make any sense Kevin. But whatever it was, to me you can never be Porno Kevin of JONAS. To me you'll always be the most gentlemanly dude of JONAS." Macy said shyly, her smile returning by leaps and bounds.
"Thank you. People tend to say that Nick is the most gentlemanly." Kevin said blushing. Nick was more of a smooth and suave gentleman. Kevin, he was the everyman gentleman, polite and cheerful.
"Yeah, but I think you are the most gentlemanly JONAS. And also the cutest." She then clapped her hand over her mouth, hardly believing that she had just said that Kevin was the cutest. Kevin for his part felt like he was on cloud number nine.
"You are wearing shorts---?" Macy asked, looking at him stunned. She was initially going to bury her head in her arms and hope that this was all just a bad dream but then she noticed Kevin's bare calves and though they were very nice and all, what in the name of JONAS was happening? Kevin never wore shorts. Kevin lived in jeans—rather tight ones which she quite liked and then trousers. Shorts, shorts were an abomination. Kevin himself had said so.
"I needed some air and don't change the subject Macy," Kevin said grinning, as his gaze zeroed in on Macy's face.
Macy blushed profusely. "It just slipped out. It obviously doesn't mean anything because I think everyone is cute. Even Mr. Lucas." Macy said backtracking and trying to regain lost ground.
"Me and my father are the same kind of cute?" Kevin cried horrified. That was something no kid ever had to hear. That was just wrong on so many levels.
"No…you are cute in a crushable way and you dad…oh hell. Fine, I do find you cute." Macy said finally giving up on trying to explain. It only was making her fall deeper into the pit which she had dug for herself.
"I think you are cute too." Kevin said out of the corner of his mouth. Macy giggled and linked her hands with his.
"Now that we got all of this nonsense out of the way, why don't we get some tacos and you can tell what exactly was happening in there," Macy said as she stood up and pulled up Kevin along with her."
"You see, it all started with wanting to stalk you at the part and a pair of too tight pants…"
"You wanted to stalk me? How sweet of you!"
-Shakes head in despair-
This was inspired by Kevin Jonas and his jeans -- seriously, jeans that tight are never good for you dude, at least in the long run. And lets no even go to the fact about how I am at my lowest ebb of creativity.
Believe me, when I first started on this, the kinkiness of it didn't even strike me. Mid way through I realized with horror, this sounded like a cheap B-movie with porno thrown in for kicks. The line about the pants at least. And then I employed damage control or at least tried too. But it was too late because this fic ran away and decided to get out of control.
A travesty if there ever was one. :|