Disclaimer: Transformers belongs to Hasbro, Seibertron and Heavy Metal War belongs to Ryan, and my stuff belongs to me. Peter Rabbit and Little Red Riding Hood are fairy tales, they don't belong to me. Dur. Also, please note, I'm not trying to make any political statements in all the bits involving Megatron. Megatron just strikes me as the kind of guy who'd do stuff like that in a peaceful dimension. His actions aren't based off any politicians, living or dead.
Author's Note: Many thanks to Ricochet for coming up with the title!
Author's Note: If you can figure out who Pyro's dad is, you deserve a Hershey's kiss. If you can figure out who Download's dad is, you deserve a cookie. If you can figure out who Download's mom is, you deserve the Mt. Everest of chocolate, because you think in the same strange manner I do.
Download wasn't particularly fond of the idea of telling his life story to an Autobot, but even the wisest and most reserved of Decepticons did stupid, stupid things after a few drinks, as evidenced by the fact that Pyro was involved in his third bar fight that week. Four or five drinks back, Download had lost count, a complete stranger had mistaken him for his father. The tank transformer was used to this, as, due to the nature of the Heavy Metal War, it was a fairly common occurrence, but every time it happened, it put Download into a particularly ranty mood. Besides, the Autobot sitting next to him had already told him that he wouldn't mind. That, and the only other transformers that Download would dare rant to were Coelus and Tetsaiga, both of which had already heard everything Download would rant about, and had also been there in person for most of the things, anyway. The fact that the Autobot had offered to buy the brown Decepticon all the drinks he wanted in exchange for the story may have also influenced his decision a little. Maybe it was more than a little. Maybe it was a lot closer to completely. Completely, totally, and utterly. Download downed yet another now free-to-him drink and asked, "Where would be a good place to start?"
"The beginning?" the Autobot suggested amiably.
"As good a place as any, I suppose," Download said, shifting in his stool in an effort to gain a more comfortable position. He'd be there for a while, after all.
After another drink, Download shut off his green optics, sighed and began to speak. "My father made his living as a bodyguard for politicians. Well, really, he was hired by politicians to bodyguard their kids, which, really, when you really think about the personal character of the guys that hired my dad and their priorities, it really isn't all that great. Daddy never minded, though, he liked kids. I guess I oughta mention that in the dimension I come from, the Autobots and Decepticons aren't rival factions at war, but more of..." Download paused to search for the right phrase, have another drink, and dodge the unknown object that went flying by his head. He then finished his sentence with, "opposing schools of thought. Right, so, when I was little, this one creep of a politician, Megatron, hired my dad to- what?"
The Autobot gawked and asked, "Megatron?"
"Primus, you look like a frog with your mouth hanging open like that. And yes, Megatron. You gotta remember, this is an alternate universe."
The Autobot stopped gawking and said, "But still, Megatron, the fearsome Decepticon tyrant?"
Download chuckled and said, "Tyrant? He's close, but technically, he's still being re-elected. And he's not all that fearsome, either. Well, admittedly, he's certainly somebody whose bad side you don't want to get on, but he doesn't scare me. I'm going to kill him someday."
"Why?"
Download had another drink and answered, "Hey, I'm getting to it. Be patient. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. When I was little, Megatron hired my daddy to guard his daughter, Tetsaiga. That's her." The brown tank pointed at a silver femme a few stools down, who was chatting with an orange Decepticon sitting next to her.
"That's Megatron's daughter?" the Autobot asked.
"Yep, although she'd rather not be. Her father's not as ironic as who her mother is."
"Who?"
Download smiled and said, "Starscream."
"Starscream?" the Autobot asked disbelievingly. The Decepticon nodded and helped himself to another drink. "But Starscream's not a femme!"
"Not where you come from, but where we come from, she's a she."
"Dear Primus, the sad part about that is that I'm not too terribly surprised by that."
"Hey, we were surprised when we found out that in most dimensions, Starscream's male, so don't feel too bad. Agh, I gotta quit getting off topic like this or I'll never finish!"
"Sorry," the Autobot said meekly.
"It's OK. Now pay attention, 'cuz this is going to get pretty complex, and this is pretty important info. Megatron hired my dad to guard his daughter, Tetsaiga. However, Megatron also hired his brother-in-law, that's one of Starscream's brothers, to kill her."
"Wait a minute, I'm sorry to interrupt again, but he hired her uncle to kill her?"
Download nodded and said, "He was falling behind in the polls, and what better way to get a nice, fat boost than your precious daughter being tragically killed by an assassin that would never be caught? Skywarp was in law enforcement, after all."
"That's just wrong," the Autobot said, frowning.
"You're preaching to the choir," Download replied, having yet another drink. "That's how Daddy died. I remember it like it was yesterday. Megatron was giving some stupid speech, I wasn't paying any attention to it, it was meaningless to me. Mom was listening, though, and she didn't seem to like it at all. Of course, Mom didn't like Megatron at all, either, not that I can blame her for that. Tetsaiga didn't seem to be paying attention to the speech, either. She was just chatting away with my dad, smiling away. Then Megatron smiled that evil smile of his and said something to her, and she walked up to him, Daddy following of course. Then there was this terrible noise, and I swear, I'd never seen Daddy move faster. I never saw him move again, period."
Download paused to wash that down with a drink, then continued with, "Megatron attended the funeral. Brought the press with him, too. My dad's funeral was crawling with people who knew squat about him. Didn't really matter, though, because thanks to Megatron, the funeral wasn't about my dad, it was about Megatron. He mad an 'impromptu' speech about how thankful he was to my dad for what he did. Mom just scowled and said that we'd see just how thankful he was when the time came. She was right. By the end of the week everyone seemed to forget we even existed, especially Megatron. Luckily, Mom managed to scrape up enough money to keep us alive until I was old enough to start working. I got a job working in security for an office building. It was an easy job; the most I ever had to deal with was Coelus' weekly stupid prank. It didn't pay very much, but we got by, and that's all that really mattered. This continued basically without change for a long time until a year and, oh, about two or three months ago."
"When the Heavy Metal War started," the Autobot observed.
Download nodded and said, "Exactly." Before continuing his story, the brown tank helped himself to another drink. He also caught something that went whizzing by his head and threw it back where it came from without even bothering to see what it was. "It started just like any other day. And y'know what? That's quite possibly the most over-used phrase in storytelling. I mean, it quite possibly even beats out 'Once upon a time.' There must be a better phrase I can use. I mean, ho hard could it possibly be to come up with something better than 'It started just like any other day?'"
There was silence for a moment, then the Autobot said, "After a few drinks, pretty dang impossible."
"I'll drink to that," Download said, promptly doing so. "Right, so, it started like any other day, I guess. Coelus' weekly stupid prank was on that day. I don't even remember what it was, but it was something particularly stupid and annoying. So, I chased him down, and I had him cornered, when there was an earthquake. And, well, let me paint you a photograph. The chase led us to a storage room, which wasn't abnormal, as they were all over the building, and since they were full of boxes and stuff, they were a good place to corner someone. So, I've got Coelus backed into a corner, and he's got that deer-in-the-headlights look 'cuz he knows there's not escape, and I'm looming over him, about to go in for the kill, so to speak, when there's this earthquake. Not a very big one, mind you, but enough to knock a few boxes over and knock me off my feet and onto Coelus. He mad some stupid comment about how he doesn't float that way and I punched him.
"After that, it was pretty much business as usual. I dragged Coelus down to the lobby, and he complained that his arm didn't bend that way even though it did, as that was the exact same way I dragged him every week. When we arrived in the lobby, everybody was gawking at the center of the lobby. I figured they were all still stunned from the earthquake, but apparently just before Coelus and I arrived Pyro had disappeared into this air. Pyro's ah, well, he's involved in that bar fight, so I can't point him out to you." Download waved his hand in the direction of the pandemonium.
"You never pointed out Coelus," the Autobot said.
"I didn't?" the brown Decepticon asked. The Autobot shook his head. "Oh, well, he's that orange bastard talking to Tetsaiga."
"Isn't that a little bit mean?" the Autobot asked.
"How so?"
"You called him a bastard!"
"Well, that's what he is. He's got a sense of humor about it, though. Says that his parents never were the best at planning ahead."
"So, he's literally a bastard?"
"Yep. Heck, most of Coelus' life, his dad didn't even know he existed. They've only met once, and that was hardly a meeting at all. Oh, look, I've gotten distracted again."
"Sorry," the Autobot said apologetically.
"Naw, it's not a problem. That's info I would've had to tell you anyway. Where was I?"
"Pyro disappeared."
"Oh, yeah. So, I'm dragging Coelus through the lobby like I do every week, and when we get to the point they're all gawking at, well, you've been through a trans-dimensional warp before, haven't you?"
"Ugh, yes. I get queasy just thinking about it. Nasty experience."
"Oh, I've been through trans-dimensional warps 3 times. Trust me, I know. First time's the worst, though. I felt absolutely TERRIBLE. Coelus made some sort of comment about how it was an unpleasant experience and I sat there feeling miserable. Pyro just glared at us. Pyro glares a lot. After I felt a little less miserable, I noticed this building. It's not very big, but it's not that small. It's, uhh..."
"Medium-sized?" the Autobot suggested good-naturedly.
"That's it. It's a medium-sized building," Download said, the drinks he'd consumed obviously beginning to take effect. "Nothing too fancy. In front of the building there was this little green guy staring at us. He wasn't staring at us like he was suspicious of us, he was just staring at us with this look like he didn't really care we were there, we just happened to be a little bit more interesting than the scenery. He looked like the three of us could've just spontaneously combusted right then and there for no reason at all and it wouldn't have phased him in the slightest. It's really unnerving. Especially coming from a little guy like Hertz. He's not here, so you're gonna hafta just take my word on this, but Hertz is one creepy little kid. He doesn't fight, his job's recon. It's a little weird having a cassette following you around all the time, but after a while you just kinda get used to it. I didn't mention that Hertz transforms into a stereo yet, did I?"
"No, you didn't."
"Oh, well, he does. So, we're staring at Hertz, and he's staring at us with that look of his, and we've got no idea what's going on. Well, Coelus and I have no idea; Pyro's glowering at Hertz and at least looks like he's got some idea of what's happening. Then Hertz walked up to us and introduced himself. He said that AF had been waiting for us and that we'd better come inside. So we go inside and in there is this spunky little femme who identifies herself as AnimeFangirl, or AF for short and she says that she's glad to be the first one to welcome us to Seibertron, as she's sure that Hertz didn't have the good manners to do so.
"Then she informed us that we'd been recruited for the Heavy Metal War. I was worried about my mother, so I asked if it was possible to get back home. AF said that it wasn't, we were stuck there, so we should make the best of it and participate in the War. After all, we wouldn't be getting home anytime soon, and there wasn't any other way we could spend our time, so why not? As much as I hated to admit it, she was right, so I said I might as well. She asked Pyro and Coelus if they'd fight, too and they agreed. Like most things that go her way, this made AF very happy. She promptly sent us out to go fight some Autobots. No offense meant, of course."
"None taken," the Autobot said, obviously aware of the facts of life.
"Good. Now, the next day, AF brought Tetsaiga in. Y'see, a few months before the War started, Tetsaiga had a huge argument with her father. So she'd moved out and started working as a secretary at our office building. Due to her feminine nature, Tetsaiga got hit on a lot back at the office, especially by Coelus. So, of course, the moment se walks in, Coelus starts hitting on her and she hits him." Download grinned at the memory and had another drink. "It was glorious. I think she'd wanted to do that since she started working but never did for fear of getting fired. Ahh, you should've seen the look on AF's face. It was like she'd made some sort of terrible, grave mistake.
"Afterwards, we achieved a strange sort of normalcy. At least, as normal as things could get without a set schedule. Sometimes AF would spend nearly all day sending us off to do things. Sometimes she'd just pop in long enough to give us something to do, occasionally, she wouldn't show up at all for a few days. And our powers started developing."
"Powers?" the Autobot asked, confused.
"Our magic. And don't look at me like that. It's true. It's not all that special, either. Our magic follows a lot more scientific laws than you might think."
"Prove it," the Autobot challenged.
"Fine." Download focused his gaze on one of his empty glasses. For a moment, nothing happened, then the glass slowly rose into the air, swung around a few times, and began to slowly lower itself back down onto the bar. Before it got that far, however, something crashed into it. Download decided to ignore it, whatever it was. He turned back to his Autobot companion and said, "I could've done better than just that if I was sober."
"H-how?" the amazed Autobot asked.
"Glass is made from sand. Sand falls under the category of earth. I'm an earth elemental."
"Earth elemental?"
"Yeah. I'm an earth elemental. Pyro's wind, Coelus is water, Tetsaiga's fire, and Luxa and Nexa are light and dark."
"Luxa and Nexa?"
"Relax, they're next. You remember the Big Whoops?"
"Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt."
Download smiled to himself, glad he wasn't the only one picking up human phrases. "Well, shortly after the Big Whoops, AF brought in Luxa and Nexa. It was also shortly before the xp boost we got, but AF swears the thought never occurred to her until after the fact. Knowing AF, that's entirely possible, but the whole thing seems oddly sketchy to me. Anyway, Nexa and Luxa are twins, although they're certainly not identical ones. Luxa is white and light blue, transforms into an ambulance, and she's this sweet, little thing. She gets confused really easily, though. She's very much what AF would call 'blonde." Or 'Trista." I have no idea what she means by 'Trista,' but she describes Luxa like that a lot."
"It sounds like a human girl's name," the Autobot observed. "But how do you turn a name into an adjective?"
Download shrugged and had another drink. "Beats me. AF's weird like that. She describes Nexa as being 'sorta Marie-ish.' Again, I've no idea what she means. Nexa's black and navy blue, transforms into a sports car, and she generally minds her own business, except when Luxa is concerned. And since Luxa's not very good at minding HER own business, Nexa gets involved a lot more than she wants to, I'm sure. I don't know, I don't interact with her very much, but she seems OK enough. Luxa's magic is white magic, which is basically healing. Nexa's magic is black magic, basically portals.
"Of course, when AF said portals, the first thing that popped into my mind was home. AF told me not to let my hopes get up for a while because it would take some time for Nexa to be able to create a portal at all, and it would take some time indeed for her to be able to create a stable portal to a specific dimension. Despite all that, I felt a lot more positive just knowing that eventually, I'd have a way home. I was happy just being able to wait for it."
"So, are you still waiting?" the Autobot asked.
Download shook his head, a sad, almost hollow look on his face, saying "No. I'm not." The Autobot looked at the brown tank silently, expecting something more to follow. He was not disappointed. "A year after the War started, AF got us all together and she said that we could go back where we came from for a day, and if we decided we liked it better there than at Seibertron, then we could stay there. Then she told us to have fun, good luck, be safe, come back, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. She's very chatty at times. Hertz just gave us this look and told us not to die. At the time, it seemed to us like a pretty illogical thing to say, since, as previously stated, our dimension is a relatively peaceful one. Turns out, it really wasn't all that illogical. After we finally got AF to shut up and let us go, Nexa opened a trans-dimensional warp to our dimension. Did I mention how much I hate trans-dimensional warps? Because I hate them. A lot. Loathe them with a burning passion, even. Thankfully, the warp spit us out in an inconspicuous place, but it still left me feeling about as miserable as the first one I'd gone through did.
"After the miserable feeling passed we agreed to meet back there, since it was a nice, secluded corner of a park that nobody ever really took notice of. We went our separate ways and I headed towards the apartment where I used to live. I got there, and before I even went in, it just felt all wrong. I went in anyway, and the apartment was completely empty. It felt cold and dead. I looked around the apartment, trying to find any clue as to where my mom was, what had happened to her. I searched around for a while then the guy who owned the apartment building came in, and, well, he was definitely surprised to see me. I had, after all, been gone for a year. I waited until he finished the stunned silence and question phases of shock, then I asked him where my mom was.
"He looked like he didn't want to answer, then said that she'd moved. I asked where to and he paused again, then gave me an address. It sounded familiar so I thought about it for a while, then I realized that it was the address of the cemetery where my daddy was buried. I asked if I understood him right, that my mom was dead, and while he never came out and said it, I could tell that it was true, just by the look on his face. I asked how she died and he just said that she got sick. H didn't say what she got sick with, and I don't think I really want to know. After that, I went to visit my parents. I stayed at the cemetery for a long time until Pyro came to me and told me that we had trouble."
"What kind of trouble?" the Autobot asked.
Download, who was currently in the middle of downing another drink, was about to finish and answer when Coelus asked him, how many drinks he'd had. Tetsaiga surveyed the empty glasses arranged in front of the brown Decepticon and said, "I don't think he's sober enough to remember."
"Come on, Download, you know AF doesn't like it when we drink too much!" Coelus scolded, quickly ducking to avoid a flying object with the ease of an experienced bar-goer.
Download shrugged the reprimand off, pointed to the Autobot, and said, "He's paying for them."
The orange Decepticon looked at the Autobot and asked, "Why on Seibertron are you buying drinks for him?"
"I'm telling him a story," Download answered for the intimidated Autobot.
"You're telling him a story?" Coelus asked. "You're telling him a—What are you? His freakin' mother?"
"I don't imagine that Download would make a very good bother. He's too..." Tetsaiga paused, searching for the right word with which to prove that Download would not be a good mother.
"Male?" Coelus suggested.
"Exactly. He's much too male to be a good mother," Tetsaiga said, laughing.
"Oh? What about your mother?" Download asked.
Tetsaiga blushed, then retorted with, "Hey, have I ever claimed that my mother is a good mother?"
"She's got a point, y'know? Neither of her parents are really any good at the whole parenting thing," Coelus said.
"How so?" the Autobot asked.
"Like I told you, Megatron tired to off her at a young age, and Starscream... Well, Starscream knew about it and didn't do squat," Download explained.
Coelus looked at the Autobot and asked, "That part of your storytellin', Download?"
"Hey, I'm not telling him the story of Peter Rabbit or sumthin'," Download answered crossly.
"I don't think you could remember the story of Peter Rabbit even if you tried," Coelus challenged.
"I could so!"
"Prove it."
"Yeah, Download, tell us a story!" Tetsaiga taunted.
Download was silent for a moment, then said, "Peter Rabbit was a rabbit. A young, stupid rabbit. He did something he wasn't supposed to do and nearly died, like, 12 times, but he didn't die, because he's the main character of a children's story. The end."
"I've got the suspicion that that was pulled out of your tailpipe, Download," Tetsaiga said.
"Oh, that was definitely pulled out of his tailpipe. It could be applied to practically any children's story. Listen, Little Red Riding Hood was a girl. She did something she wasn't supposed to do and nearly died, like, 12 times, but she didn't die, because she's the main character of a children's story. The end. See? Total tailpipe-age," Coelus said.
"But didn't Little Red Riding Hood die? The wolf ate her, didn't it?" Tetsaiga asked.
"Well, yeah, it did, but she didn't die. The natural laws of physics simply don't apply in fairy tales," Coelus explained.
"Obviously," Tetsaiga replied. Download lifted a drink, but Coelus took it from him and drank it himself.
"Hey!" Download protested.
"What? It's not like you need more," Coelus said, setting the glass down with Download's other empty glasses.
"It's my drink," Download said, almost whining.
"You're not paying for it," Coelus replied, mimicking the tank's tone.
"But I am!" the Autobot protested.
"Fine, fine, what's Download doing for his free drinks? Telling you stories? Psch, I can do that. Better than he can, too, probably!"
"I'm not just telling him any old story, Coelus."
"Well, what story are you telling him? Whatever it is, I'm sure I can tell it just as well, if not better than you can. I certainly wouldn't mind some free drinks," the orange hovercraft said optimistically.
"I'll have you know that I'm telling him my life story!"
"He's buying you free drinks for THAT? You should be buying HIM free drinks for putting him through that! That should count as torture!"
"You're exaggerating!"
"Well, normally, yes, he would be, but if you add in the factor of how many drinks you've had, he just may be right," Tetsaiga said ponderously.
"I 'may be right?' Just maybe? I've had to sit through his drunk life story before, I swear, it IS torture! I can DEFINITELY tell that story better than he can, easily! A veritable walk in the park!" Coelus exclaimed.
"Prove it, then," Download challenged.
"Fine, I will! Where'd you leave off?" the blue-opticed Decepticon asked.
"Where did I leave off?" Download asked this rather overwhelmed Autobot.
"What? Oh, umm, you went back to your dimension, found out that your mom had kicked it while you were gone, and spent, like, all day at a cemetery until that Pyro guy came to you and said that there was something wrong."
"Short and to the point. I like it," Coelus declared. "Unfortunately, that sticks us right in the middle of that whole ridiculous fiasco with Tetsaiga's father and whatnot. Agh, Tetsaiga, I'm gonna need some help starting this thing off, since I wasn't there when you started the whole stupid, complicated thing."
"Alright," the gun transformer replied. "Well, after we split up in that park, I went to my family's house, just for the heck of it."
"House?" Coelus asked. "That thing counts as a HOUSE?"
"Is residence a better term?" the silver femme asked back.
"Try BIG ASS MANSION. In all capitals. Underlined. Three times."
"Alright, I went to my family's BIG ASS MANSIONS in all caps, and underlined three times, just for the heck of it. Better?"
"Very."
"Good. So, I go there, just for the heck of it and honestly, I wanted to see my father's reaction. So, I ring the doorbell, and my little brother answers the door. He stares at me for a while, and then he tells me that I'm dead. I told him that I hadn't been informed of that, and that I hoped he wasn't too disappointed. Then I asked if he was going to let me in or not, and he said that he wasn't supposed to let dead people into the house. So I pushed him out of the way and went in anyway. I swear, Primus was in a sadistic mood when he created little brothers. Especially when he created Skyfire, the little creep. Anyway, I went and found my father, and he just looked at me and noted that I wasn't dead, with this tone like he was mildly surprised, but more disappointed than surprised. So I said more or less the same thing back to him, imitating his tone. He glared at me, I glared at him, we're such a loving, caring family.
"He asked me what I was doing there and I said that I wanted to see if he was still a slimy creep, and he was. I also told him not to worry about it, because I'd be leaving soon. Then Father got this look on his face and said that no, he didn't think so. I started to ask him what he meant, and I got about half way through, when I felt this nasty pain in my back, and BAM! I'm out like a light. Stupid Mother with her stupid null rays. Stupid things hurt terribly, you have no idea."
"Actually, I've been null rayed before," the Autobot said.
"It frickin' hurts, doesn't it?" Tetsaiga asked. The Autobot nodded sagely. "Alright, Coelus, I think you can pretty much take it from here."
"Yup, enter Coelus, stage left," the orange hovercraft said, grinning. "Well, after I left the park, I went to my house and, huh, 'met' my dad. It didn't go too well. Y'see, we both thought that the other was an intruder. So, we've both got weapons pointed at each other when my ma comes in and nearly has a spark attack, the poor femme. After that, she explains everything to me, that the guy I'd thought had broken into my home was, in actuality, the guy who half my genes came from, and he'd been living there for nearly a year. Turns out, after Tetsaiga disappeared, our disappearances suddenly got loads of press, and one of the articles that my dad read mentioned Ma's name, so they met back up and fell in love again, apparently forgetting whatever the reason was that they broke up in the first place. My parents aren't exactly well-known for their deepness."
"Apparently," the Autobot noted.
"Yeah. So, umm, after Ma told me all that, I left to go sort it all out. Yeah, so, I wandered around town for a while until I ran into Pyro. He was acting slightly panicked, which is very odd for him, so I asked him what was wrong. He informed me that Tetsaiga'd gotten herself into some deep slag, not using those exact words, of course. I told him I'd help and all he had to do was lead the way. He didn't seem too sure about it so I told him not to worry about it, 'cuz I'd squirmed my way in and out of tight situations before and that Primus seemed to like me so far. All Pyro had to do was drop me off at the front door and wait. Pyro didn't seem to like the idea much, but he agreed to it anyway."
"Wait a minute," the Autobot interjected.
"What?" Coelus asked.
"How'd Pyro know that Tetsaiga was 'in deep slag,' as you put it?"
"Well, I can assure you that my cousin is not some sort of creepy stalker, if that's what you're suggesting," Tetsaiga said, laughing.
"Cousin?" the Autobot asked.
"Yeah, his father is my mother's brother, thus making us cousins," Tetsaiga explained.
"As for how he knew Tetsaiga was in deep slag, well, he's a wind magician, and Primus knows that they just know EVERYTHING," Coelus added with a slightly sarcastic tone. "Anyway, Pyro took me to Megatron's BIG ASS MANSION in all capitals and underlined three times. So, I ring the bell and Tetsaiga's little bro' answers the door. I tell him to get his dad, and he asked why, so I told him that I wanted to talk to him, duh. Then the kid asked me if I was armed, and I told him I was, and I swear, it's the only time I told him the truth. I guess he figured that anybody who'd admit they're armed wouldn't try to kill anyone or something, 'cuz he brought me in to see Megatron.
"So, I told Megatron he had a very nice house, and he just looked at me and asked who I was, so I told him that my name's Coelus. He said that the name sounded familiar and I said it probably did, since I'd mysteriously disappeared a year ago, and had received a fair amount of press for it. That certainly got his attention, and he asked if I knew his daughter, and I said that yeah, I knew Tetsaiga. He asked me what I thought of her and what she thought of me and I told him that while I certainly liked her well enough she completely loathed me, which was, unfortunately, at the time, the cold, hard, painful truth." Coelus adopted a somber look as he said this. Tetsaiga shoved him playfully and called him a wuss.
"Hey, quit flirting!" Download said, scowling.
"It's not flirting!" Tetsaiga replied.
"It sure looked like flirting from where I'm sitting."
"Would you prefer we started PDAing right here?" Coelus asked roguishly.
"What? You're going to start hugging?" Download asked back. Coelus was silent for a split second, then started cracking up.1
"Yes! YES! Hoo, boy, you're not witty very often, Download, but when you're witty, you are WITTY!" the orange hovercraft exclaimed, pounding his fist on bar and laughing some more.
"I don't get it," the Autobot said, confused.
"Don't worry about it," Download said, having another drink.
"Alright now, where was I?" Coelus asked after regaining his composure.
"You told Megatron that Tetsaiga loathed you," the Autobot answered.
"Oh, yes. Well, after that, he asked what I was doing there and here's where I really start just lying through my teeth. I told him that it seemed to me that politics was a real good way to get real rich and powerful real quick and easy. He said that it wasn't as quick and easy as I thought, and I said that normally, it probably wouldn't be, but I knew of two different ways I could do it quick and easy. The first one would be that he'd help me out, y'know, put in a good word for me here and there and what not. He asked why he should go along with that plan and I told him that he'd go along with it so I wouldn't use the second plan, which would be to pick out some of the deep, dark secrets Tetsaiga'd told me about him and reveal them to the world. Needless to say, he agreed to the first plan real quick.
"The question of how to make his sudden patronage seem less suspicious arose, and Megatron told me that the solution was simple, all that had to happen was Tetsaiga and me getting married. After all, who would question his support of his son-in-law? I was confused, so I asked him if he simply hadn't heard me when I said that Tetsaiga loathed me. He said that it wouldn't be a problem because soon she wouldn't loathe me anymore. That just confused me further, so I asked him to elaborate, and he told me about this machine that had been developed in secret, that barely anybody knew about, and if was, more or less, a brainwashing machine. He was going to use it on Tetsaiga to turn her into the obedient daughter he'd always wanted and an obedient wife for whoever he chose."
"She doesn't look brainwashed to me," the Autobot observed, looking at Tetsaiga.
"DAMN STRAIGHT!" the silver femme exclaimed loudly, slamming her fist onto the bar.
"Hey! Keep it down over there!" another bar-goer shouted irately.
Before Tetsaiga could retort, Coelus covered her mouth with his hand and apologetically said, "So sorry! It won't happen again, I promise." The orange Decepticon leaned in close to Tetsaiga and asked, "Isn't that right, dear?"
She removed his hand from her mouth, smiled sweetly at him and said, "Damn straight."
Coelus sighed, turned to the Autobot and said, "Why of COURSE she doesn't look brainwashed! That's because she isn't. I got there first. After Megatron told me about the brainwash-y machine, we talked some more, but none of that's really important. I don't even remember most of it. After that conversation, I asked him if I could stay there for the night, since I didn't have anywhere else to crash, which was, of course, a lie, but a terribly important one. He said that I'd have to work on my word choice, but yes, I could stay there for the night. He led me to a room and left me there. It was a very nice guest room, kinda made me wish I really was crashing there for the night, but I had business to take care of.
"Thankfully, the guest room had a window, which was what I was hoping for. I opened the window and asked Pyro if he was out there, and rather than just say yes, he sends me this angry little whisper asking me, and I quote, 'Coelus, what the hell have you been doing, twiddling your thumbs?' So I told him that I was, but my thumbs were getting sore, so I thought I'd chat with him instead. He told me I wasn't funny, and I told him that that made me very sad. He said that I deserved to be made very sad since I hadn't gotten Tetsaiga yet. I told him that that's what I needed him for and asked him where Tetsaiga was. He told me that she was in a room one floor up, sorta in the middle-ish, maybe off to the left a little, sorta. I asked him if he could possibly be more vague, and he told me she's somewhere on the planet. I asked him if he'd accused me of being unfunny. He was silent for a while, then told me he was sorry for being so vague, but it was the best he could give me, since he was outside and I was inside. I told him it was OK and I'd make do." Coelus paused to stretch and have a drink as something went flying over hid head.
"Ohh, that wouldn't have ended well if that was a little lower," he observed before resuming his tale. "Right, so, I left the guest room, went up the first flight of stairs I found, and attempted to locate the 'middle-ish, maybe off to the left a little, sorta.' I swear, Primus really does like me, because wouldn't you know it; Tetsaiga was in the first room I looked in. It was amazing. What's also amazing is how peaceful Tetsaiga looks when she's asleep. She makes such a beautiful damsel in distress."
"Yeah, some knight in shining armor you are," Tetsaiga said, shoving Coelus again.
"Yeah, Coelus, the idea behind being a knight in shining armor is you rescue the girl and NOT become her replacement. That bit's kinda important," Download added.
"By that definition Download's more of a knight in shining armor than you are!"
"But I'm not a girl!" Coelus protested.
"OK, I'm lost now," the Autobot said.
"It's OK, you'll understand soon," Coelus said. "Alright, Tetsaiga's room had a balcony, which was amazingly convenient, and thus further proof that Primus really, really likes me. So, I went out on the balcony, and I got Pyro to come up and I explained my plan to him. It was a rather simple plan. Since Pyro had the advantage of flight, he'd take Tetsaiga out, using the balcony, and I'd just quietly slip out before anybody noticed that she was missing. Sounds like a good plan, right?"
"Yeah, it does," the Autobot agreed.
"Well, it wasn't, because it overlooked something very, very crucial," Coleus said.
"What" the Autobot asked.
"Megatron, in his endless paranoia, had security cameras in his house."
"You're kidding, right?" the Autobot asked.
"Nope. He honest-to-goodness has security cameras in his house."
"Yipe."
"Indeed. If it weren't for that little detail, my plan would've worked perfectly. As it was, though, before Pyro got out with Tetsaiga, Megatron came in with some armed servants."
"Armed servants?" the Autobot asked.
"Did I mention the endless paranoia?" Coelus asked back.
"Ohh," the Autobot said simply.
"Yeah. So, I told Pyro to proceed as planned and get Tetsaiga to a safe place. He asked what I would do and I told him not to worry about it 'cuz I could take care of myself."
"You did SUCH an excellent job of it, too!" Tetsaiga said sarcastically.
"Hey, my intention was not to get out of there, it was to stall long enough for Pyro to get out, and in that respect, I succeeded perfectly."
"So, they overcame you?" the Autobot asked.
"Actually, umm, no. I sorta did that myself. Y'see, I didn't want to kill anybody, so rather than shooting at them," Coelus gestured to the gun sling over his right shoulder. "I opted to use my magic. But you see, the thing about water magic is, if there's no source of water nearby, you have to make your own. And when I say 'you,' I mean 'I,' of course. It's actually rather simple, it's just bonding hydrogen and oxygen together, but you see, that's the problem. Making water takes oxygen out of the air, so too much water means too little oxygen. In other words, I threw water at them until I passed out. Amazingly heroic, ain't it?"
"You shall truly become famous in legend and song," Tetsaiga answered deadpan.
"Yeah, but for what?" Coelus asked, sighing. "So, what happened on your end of things while I was unconscious?"
"Well, keeping in mind that I was unconscious as well at the time, I'm not exactly sure, but as far as I can tell, Pyro dropped me off at Nexa and Luxa's place, then went to get Download," Tetsaiga said.
"Yeah, I remember coming inside and hearing you demand to be told what was going on. Very loudly, I might add," Download remarked.
"I'm not known for my patience, it's a simple fact. Doesn't really matter, though, Pyro explained everything, anyway. Good thing, too, if he hadn't, I may have been forced to kill him, and where would that leave us?"
"Well, I don't know about you, but Pyro and I would be dead," Coelus answered.
"Way to recognize a rhetorical question, Coelus," Tetsaiga said.
"You're welcome!" the orange hovercraft replied, beaming.
The femme shoved him playfully for a third rime and said, "You big numbskull. Anyways, after Pyro explained all that to us, Nexa asked what we would do next and Luxa said that we couldn't just leave Coelus behind. I asked her if she had any suggestions as to what we could do, and she said that we had to rescue him, of course, so I asked her how we would go about doing that, and that shut her up for a minute or so, but then she said I was so negative it was a wonder I ever got anything done. Nexa, however, is thankfully much more sensible than her sister, and said that to form any sort of good plan, we needed info. Info, of course, being Pyro's specialty. Yay, wind being everywhere all the time.
"He glanced at us briefly, then turned back to the open window he was staring out of and said that they'd moved Coelus to Uncle Skywarp's little, old-fashioned jail. And, of course, I just had to add that it came complete with not-so-little, old-fashioned torture implements. The look on Luxa's face was very much a Kodak moment, and when Pyro added that he didn't have anything that had been illegalized yet, at least, last he'd checked, the look on her face went from being a Kodak moment to a MasterCard commercial. Priceless. I wish I'd had a camera with me."
"I wish I'd been there," Coelus said.
"Yeah, but it you'd been there, then she wouldn't have made that face," Download pointed out.
"Yay, paradoxes," Tetsaiga said. Coelus muttered. "So, we spent all night discussing possible plans of action, and we finally decided on one just as the sun was coming up. And wouldn't you know it, we spent all that time just to end up deciding on the simplest plan, which was that Download would go down there, break in, get Coelus, then break out. It had to be Download because the press had a habit of working fast, so undoubtedly anyone who was up had heard the news that I'd magically reappeared after being gone a year, only to be promptly' kidnapped by my cousin aided by an accomplice, who had been captured.' So, of course, pictures of me and Pyro were all over the news, which left Download, Nexa, and Luxa as our choices for people to do anything, and, well, honestly, Download's just better than Nexa or Luxa at fighting and stuff. So, we sent Download out, and with a great deal of directions from Pyro, he finally made it. And I believe you can take it from there, Coelus."
"For a while, at least," the orange Decepticon replied, smiling despite the subject matter. "When I woke up, I was chained to a wall. You ever been chained to a wall before?"
"No, can't say I have," the Autobot replied.
"Well, trust me, you ain't missing much of anything. I seriously doubt I can lift my elbows above my shoulders without a great deal of pain. Yeah, so, take it from me, never be chained to a wall overnight."
"I'll, uh, try to remember that," the Autobot said, obviously seriously doubting the true practical use of the advice.
"Yeah, so, I wake up, and I'm freakin' sore all over from passing out due to lack of oxygen, being chained to a wall, like, the whole night, and, chances are, being beaten at random intervals throughout the night. And the soreness wasn't exactly helped by the first thing I saw being Megatron telling me good morning and calling me scum. I said good morning back to him and called him a rat's ass. Megatron, of course, has no idea what a rat's ass is, but it's one of those phrases that you don't have to know what it means to know it's an insult, so he hit me anyway. This continued for a while, the two-sided exchange of insults and the rather one-sided exchange of beatings.
"He asked me questions, too, mostly stuff I didn't know, like where Tetsaiga was. Predictably enough, if I didn't give him an answer to his liking, I got beaten again. Quite monotonous. There was one interesting question he asked, though. He asked why I did it, why I would pass up the chance to have riches, power, a beautiful wife, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I told him that money and power only meant anything to those who already had some, and, if it was all the same to him, I'd prefer a real femme for a wife rather than just a pretty doll. Obviously, Megatron didn't appreciate that answer, 'cuz he hit me and said that I wouldn't be living long enough to get a wife, real or not. He's very positive, ain't he?"
"Oh, he's the shining example of optimism, certainly," the Autobot said.
"Yeah, so, after that, this black and purple seeker-"
"Skywarp," Tetsaiga supplied.
"Alright. So, after that, Skywarp comes from somewhere, I didn't see where, and he's got this huge, scary, nasty-looking thing in his arms, and he looks absolutely giddy about it. He happily informed Megatron that he managed to find it. I just stared at the nasty-looking thing, with these claws and stuff all over it, and I started to believe Megatron's statement about not living long enough to get married. Skywarp said that he was ecstatic to finally be able to use it, and I just had to go and ask if the thing was legal. He said it was if you knew the right people. I immediately decided that the farther that thing stayed away from me, the better and proceeded to stall for time. I asked Megatron if he'd answer a question for me before he killed me.
"From the look on his face, he obviously knew I was stalling, but he decided to humor me anyway and said that he'd answer one question, but only ONE, and it better be yes or no. So I told him that I'd always wondered if when Tetsaiga was little and somebody tried to kill her but ended up getting the bodyguard instead if he'd had anything to do with it. I looked at Skywarp and added that if he didn't know he could leave. Megatron smiled that creepy smile of his and said that Skywarp should know since he was the one he'd hired to do it. You know what, you're not reacting the way I'd expect an Autobot to."
"That's 'cuz I already told him about that," Download informed Coelus.
"You already told him?" the hovercraft asked. The brown tank nodded his confirmation, then helped himself to another drink as something that looked suspiciously like a large insect's head went flying by. "Tell me, Download," Coelus said, "does the word suspense mean anything to you?"
"Sounds kinda familiar, but I can't put my finger on it. Is it a food?" The drunk Decepticon' s companions gawked at him for a moment, then Tetsaiga quietly slid his glass away from him.
"What a lousy storyteller," Coelus said, disapprovingly. "I suppose he also already told you that Tetsaiga's bodyguard was his dad?"
"Yep," the Autobot answered. Coelus sighed.
"Lousy, lousy story teller. Completely ruined most of the effect. Oh well, I'll just have to make do. After that exchange, Skywarp started his machine and asked Megatron if he could rip me to shreds yet. Megatron turned to look at him, and was probably about to say yes, but he was interrupted by the door exploding violently off its hinges. Not much of one for stealth, Download is. It's just as well, though, I guess since I certainly prefer his not being stealthy and my not being dead to the alternative. He must have heard that last conversation, because the first thing he did after breaking the door down was absolutely massacre Skywarp. I probably should've felt worse about it than I actually did, but at the time I was just glad his nasty, little machine wasn't going anywhere near me.
"After Download finished dealing with Skywarp, he turned towards Megatron, who apparently just remembered that he had a fusion cannon on his arm and a hostage. That's another thing that sucks about being chained to a wall, it's way too easy to be taken hostage. So, Megatron's got his fusion cannon pointed at my head, Download's just standing there, his plan, and I use the word 'plan' loosely, completely blown out of the water by that, and my gratitude at not being killed slowly and painfully by Skywarp had finally faded enough for me to wonder what Download was doing there. And that's when a reporter and a cameraman came in, obviously drawn in by the door having exploded. I don't like to think about what would've happened if they hadn't come in. I don't imagine my head would look all that attractive inside out, y'know?"
"Very disturbing mental image," the Autobot said.
"Very disturbing nightmares. It's not your head, it's mine. Anyway, I gotta give that reporter some credit, he sure can think on his feet, as soon as he came in and gave us all a look over, he started earning his paycheck. He called it all pretty well for his view on things, I suppose. Doesn't really matter to me. Now, some of the stuff I did may seem pretty illogical, but keep in mind, I thought I was going to die, and that can make people do stupid things about as much as drinking too much can." There was a silence as the group looked at Download.
"What?" the brown tank asked.
"Whatever."
"Yeah, so, I greeted the reporter and I asked him if he remembered the assassination attempt on Tetsaiga, and he said that sure he did, it was the first big story he reported on. So I said that he might find it interesting that Megatron had something to do with it and that dead body he was nearly standing on used to belong to the would-be-assassin. The poor reporter obviously hadn't noticed Skywarp when he came in, 'cuz he nearly jumped out of his armor when I pointed him out. Megatron however, is much more skilled at press-manipulation than I am. He asked me if I really expected anyone to believe that 'bunk.' I told him that 'bunk' sure was a funny word to pick to describe the truth. I also told him that I was rater insulted that he'd branded me as a kidnapper. After all, I said, I'm sure Tetsaiga preferred being 'kidnapped' to the alternative. Download finally decided to say something, specifically that yes, indeedy, she did."
"Damn straight," Tetsaiga said.
"I know I would," the Autobot added.
"Who wouldn't?" Coelus asked. "Anyways, I continued to insult Megatron like that for a while, and I gotta hand it to Megatron, he's very patient when he's being watched. However, he does have his limits. I don't even remember what it was exactly I said to really cheese him off, but, well, it really cheesed him off. So, I'm staring down the barrel of his fusion cannon, and he called me a bastard, and wouldn't you know it, I just had to go and say that I'd rather be the illegitimate child of my own parents than his legitimate one. Oooh, that just cheesed him off worse.
"In hindsight, I suppose, the look on his face was quite hilarious, but at the time, of course, it was really scary. Even scarier was the fact that he was charging up his fusion cannon. He'd have killed me if it wasn't for the factor of Download and his Earth magic. About a billion things happened all at once, and when I say about a billion, I mean, like, 3. Megatron fired, and Download knocked over the cameraman and used his magic to pull out a nice chunk of metal out from the wall to block my impending doom. It worked, too, obviously. But my luck's not quite good enough for it to work perfectly. I got brained by some shrapnel and KO'd. So I have no idea what happened next."
"Well, don't ask me. I wasn't there," Tetsaiga said.
"Download, I don't suppose you're by any chance sober enough to know?" Coelus asked.
"Know what?" the drunken tank asked back.
"What happened after that!"
"What happened after what?"
"Oh, never mind, it's not that important," the orange Decepticon said. "Regardless, I'm not dead or chained to a wall, so it's all good. Of course, after I regained consciousness, Tetsaiga smacked me silly."
"You deserve it for being such an idiot," Tetsaiga said.
Coelus smiled amiably. "It was worth it." The femme shoved him yet again.
"Weirdo."
"Maybe I am a weirdo, but I'm a loveable weirdo, right?"
"Very loveable," Tetsaiga admitted with a sigh.
"Now, unless Download's been keeping secrets, there's really no more life story to tell."
"Hey, kid!" Download turned around in his seat to look at the transformer who'd tapped him on the shoulder and winced because it was the same helicopter who'd mistaken him for his father.
"What do you want?"
The slightly beaten-looking Autobot held up an unconscious blue seeker and asked, "Does this belong to you?" Download recognized the seeker as Pyro and nodded. "Well, merry Christmas," the orange-faced helicopter said, tossing the Decepticon to Download. By some great miracle, the tanked tank managed to catch Pyro as the helicopter walked away.
"What part of 'I'm just here to get my team members' don't you understand?!" Everyone in the bar turned to look at the diminutive femme arguing vehemently with the bouncer.
"What part of 'you're underage' don't YOU understand, miss?" the bouncer asked patiently.
"It shouldn't matter because I'm not here to drink!"
"It matters because it's not guaranteed that you're not lying to me about that."
"But I'm not lying!"
"But you could be."
"But I'm not!"
"I can't be sure of that."
"Yeah, so go away! Nobody wants you here anyway!" Coelus shouted.
"Hey, you can shove it, Coelus!" the femme shouted back. "Let me in!"
"No!"
"How can you not let me in after that?"
"A customer recognizing you does not make you trustworthy," the bouncer said sagely.
"Yeah, whatever you do, don't let her in! She's a terrible drinker!" Coelus shouted.
"You liar! Besides, you're one to talk about being a terrible drinker, you're here every day!"
"Not every day! I take Sundays off!"
"Is the bar even open on Sundays?"
"No, ma'am," the bouncer said.
"Oy vey. Would you please just let me in?"
"No, nobody that's underage is allowed to come in."
"Darn it!" the femme turned to her equally small green companion and said, "Hertz! Help!" Hertz sighed and approached the bouncer.
"You're underage, too," the bouncer said.
"That's true, but, you see..." Hertz's voice adopted a mysterious tone as he waved his hand in front of the bouncer's face. "You will let us in."
"I will let you in," the bouncer said hollowly, allowing the green Decepticon and the femme to pass by him.
"Jedi mind trick, nice," the femme said.
"Jedi?" Hertz asked.
"Never mind, it's not important," the femme said as the pair approached the group at the bar.
"What are you doing here, AF?" Coelus asked.
"Getting you, dur! You guys were supposed to be back by now!" AF said disapprovingly.
"Hmm? Ah, so it is," Coelus said. "I wasn't paying any attention to the time. We got kinda distracted."
"By what? Do I really want to know?"
"Download decided to impose his life story on this poor guy," Coelus explained, motioning towards the Autobot.
"You make it sound as though that should be an act punishable by law," AF said.
"It should be! At least, when he's drunk. It's mildly tolerable when he's sober."
"Not that he ever tells it when he's sober, but still," Tetsaiga added.
"Hey, quit picking on the poor guy, will you?" AF asked.
"Alright, alright. Download, what on Seibertron are you doing with Pyro?" Coelus asked.
"I don't know! Somebody just handed him to me!"
"Well, give him to me, you're too drunk to carry him," Coelus said.
"Oh, and you're sober?" Download asked, handing Pyro over anyway.
"I never claimed to be sober, I just said you're too drunk. I'm not too drunk," Coelus replied, slinging the light blue seeker over his shoulder.
"Can we go BEFORE Hertz and I get viciously attacked for being underage?" AF asked.
"Hey, Download's underage, nobody ever notices that," Tetsaiga pointed out.
"Well, yeah, that's because Download looks like he's old enough. Hertz and I don't."
"C'mon, Download, let's go," Coelus said. "I don't need to help you, do I?"
"I'm not THAT drunk," the tank said, getting off his stool.
"Good," Coelus replied, following the femmes and Hertz towards the door.
"Hey, Download?" the Autobot asked.
"What?" the Decepticon asked, turning around.
"If you'd known everything was going to turn out this way, would you still have gone to work on that that you first came here?"
There was a pause, then in an amazing moment of clarity, Download said, "Y'know what? I don't know. There was a time where I would've said 'no' in a heartbeat, but now... I just don't know." The tank left without elaborating any further. The Autobot watched him go, then turned around and looked at the bill the barkeep handed him.
"Holy crap," the Autobot said simply.
1PDA is short for Public Display of Affection. Usually, the phrase is associated with making out, but at my school, hugging counts as a PDA and is a punishable offense.